tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post3299879137790960031..comments2021-11-12T00:39:32.400-08:00Comments on Our roller coaster ride through infertility and more: You can run, but you can never hideNikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-66391588849569520582009-09-16T10:13:46.708-07:002009-09-16T10:13:46.708-07:00But whatever you do, I don't know that a break...But whatever you do, I don't know that a break or therapy or focusing on getting well is going to help (well it would, but you know what I mean, the IF problem will always be hanging out there until you get closure). Just powering through so that you can get to the end and move on is the most important thing for you I think. Time flies so fast, I wouldn't waste anymore time. I would jump in with both feet. And QUICK!Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07089321888189715242noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-31396644873850983792009-09-16T10:09:14.874-07:002009-09-16T10:09:14.874-07:00Oh Nikki, my heart just sank when I read this post...Oh Nikki, my heart just sank when I read this post. I have been there before. Making lists, over and over, weighing options. It all seems so much, so overwhelming to be back in the same spot having to make such important decisions and not knowing what to do. I remember the feeling well and for me, it was the worst part of infertility. So much indecision. So much pain. I know the decision will have to come from your heart -- that is always the best way to make them. But if it were me, I would do 2 things. I would get in an adoption program right away. I know it seems like so much money, but so much time to research everything. But just jump in. Honestly. Researching agencies and programs is important, yes, but more important is the time it takes to wait and wait and wait. In the end it won't matter what program you choose. It really won't. You will love a child from anywhere, and in the end, every program has it's pros and cons anyway, you won't find the perfect one. So I would ask the agency what programs have the shortest wait times and choose from those two. It does seem like so much work to do and it is, so the sooner you get started filling out the paper work, the better. As for the money, it's really not that much on the front end. The big bucks on due upon placement, so it's enough time to get your finances sorted out. And if you should get pregnant in the meantime, they will probably make you drop off the waiting list anyway. And if they don't, you could always opt out at any point along the way. <br />Then for the second thing I would do. I would definetly use those embryos. You have 2 frozen and a cousin that offered. It seems the cheapest and most hopeful choice on your list and it really could work! Your cousin offered you a wonderful gift and she knows what that offer means and I'm sure she's prepared for it. All the rest will work itself out... the distance, the guilt, etc. this is a great choice Nikki. I would go for it. I know it's hard, but the risk has a really good chance of working. Or, if you just can't take her up on her offer, and you really really think you have one more cycle in you, then I would do this... do one more fresh cycle to get the best embryos you can. And hire the best surrogate, youngest, best uterus you can find, and put those embies in her. Because that really is going the whole distance. That is really really doing everything you ever could. If that fails, it's just not meant to be, and then you are on the adoption list, waiting, and your child will be in your arms soon, either way. I know the last option is so much money it's probably not even possible, especially given the risk of a no. But, if it doesn't work with your cousin, the option is still there, and at this point... you've spent so much time and money and heartache, I know I'd be tempted to just say screw the money, take out a loan, and go the full distance. But who knows, the 2 embryos you have now with your cousin might really work and you won't even need to consider this option. <br /><br />All in all, I don't envy your decision. I know how agonizing these things are and I only wish you much strenght and love as you go through the decision process. You will make the right decision in the end. Your heart will tell you what to do.<br /><br />I'm thinking of you.<br />xoLisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07089321888189715242noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-57527819017916730432009-09-14T16:42:17.117-07:002009-09-14T16:42:17.117-07:00dear Nikki, it's so good to hear your voice.
...dear Nikki, it's so good to hear your voice. <br />The thought of living child-free is always appealing to me because it would end the most direct suffering. At least there's one option I have control over... so I guess that's the easiest one to go back to. Not the easiest one to choose, of course.<br />I guess you should keep your options open for now and hold off on any decisions. From everything you described on your post, you sound clinically depressed, and your relationship with DH is also suffering from the exhaustion of all this grieving. There's only so much we can take. I would suggest that you take a break now and work on healing yourself, finding your way back to life, back to some joy together, Something clearly outside of having babies. I understand that you say that outside of that things have no meaning. But one, you are depleted, and it's hard to try to carry a baby, a pregnancy, without any energy reserves; second, if you do get a baby, think of the amount of expectation you are throwing on that child. S/he would be the whole significant for your lives. that is very sad. I strongly feel we have to be able to stand on our own first, to be able to parent, and a child is an addition, not the only hope for happiness. That is too much for anyone to bear on their shoulders, to be the sole hope of anybody is a horrible feeling to carry for your entire existence. <br />Think of relationships. When one person is absolutely needy and expects the world from the partner, it's not ever a happy relationship. it's clingy and heavy for the one who has the "responsibility" for the other person's happiness. I believe that with children it's the same way. (and this problem mountain of expectation happens to fertile couples as well. especially when someone gets pregnant to "hold" a marriage together)<br />So, put some energy into getting well, feeling better towards life, and reconnecting as a couple first. If you feel horrible towards life, if you believe it's just emptiness, then why would you want to bring someone else into this? And, it's not true. Life is a great blessing, our planet is beautiful. You know love in your life, you found love and wonderful partnership. And this is why you want a child. To share that love that is greater than the two of you, to share a life that is rich in joy and wonder, to share the experience of walking on this planet together and the blessings of existence. Hold on to that.Petruciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15779047222262497847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-56090378376322602552009-09-14T12:53:55.209-07:002009-09-14T12:53:55.209-07:00Nikki, I am thinking of you lots. Can't seem t...Nikki, I am thinking of you lots. Can't seem to be able to write something useful regarding options, just that I would like to be a support for you and Sarang and that in 3 weeks after my guests are gone, maybe we can see each other and I can give you both big hugs and kisses.banditgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14350894985718085970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-79104369326839715712009-09-13T20:07:29.250-07:002009-09-13T20:07:29.250-07:00Hi Nikki. I'm new to your blog, but I think w...Hi Nikki. I'm new to your blog, but I think we run in some of the same circles. (-;<br /><br />I wish I knew that magic answer. Our last failed cycle ended in February and we are just starting to figure out what our next steps will be. We started working with a therapist who specializes in IF and she has been helping us work through our options one at a time to figure out what is holding us back with each one (aside from the cost).<br /><br />This process is not an easy one and these crossroads are huge. I can't say I have any great assvice, but just want you to know that we are in a similar spot and I know how much it sucks.<br /><br />Hugs.Lost in Spacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07027117135940864685noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-6343714113953116072009-09-13T16:28:31.712-07:002009-09-13T16:28:31.712-07:00Dear Nikki,
I'm glad that you posted your thou...Dear Nikki,<br />I'm glad that you posted your thoughts. It helps writing them down. Personally while I was going through our 6 years of IVFs and facing heartbreak time after time, it became almost an obsession for me; all I was focusing on was having a bio baby and nothing else mattered. This wasn't such a good state of mind for me. Having our DD helped me get through it, she's the only positive thing that came out of all those years of IVF failure.<br />Now I look back and wonder what would I have done differently, and frankly, nothing. Everything we did was right... Many would have quit long before getting to the point we did. We went through 5 fresh IVFs and 4 FET, 1 loss at 20 wks and many early m/cs. What I'm trying to say is that there is always hope even when it doesn't look like it. The only problem DH and I have is that my tubes are blocked. IVF should have come easy for us and the RE's couldn't explain why we kept failing. <br />Not wanting to accept the fact of never having a bio baby wasn't an option, I refused to give up and my persistance paid off in the end.<br />Take a break, let your body and heart heal but when you're ready, get back on that horse and go again. I would try another fresh IVF with PGD and just pull out all the stops. Keep the embryos you have frozen for now as insurance incase the fresh IVF doesn't work. Also I would recommend going to the local RE's office. I went to another RE too after seeing my usual RE for years and the results from the new RE were worse than before so for our last try we went back to our usual RE and did PGD.<br />I often check in on you, don't let go!<br />gentle hugs,<br />KailaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-10420233676929535512009-09-10T23:57:12.129-07:002009-09-10T23:57:12.129-07:00Decisions within decisions...
Since you asked, I ...Decisions within decisions...<br /><br />Since you asked, I will say that I would pursue the surrogacy. For me, it the sort of thing that I know in my heart I would always think back and wonder "what if" and wish that I had tried it.<br /><br />See? Not even trying to be vague and open-ended. I think counseling would be great to help clarify your decision, though - sometimes the answer is right there but you just can't see it yourself.Lorrainehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04180034761243431694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-41281314876992549152009-09-09T16:46:26.276-07:002009-09-09T16:46:26.276-07:00Nikki *hugs*
I know we talked a lot about various...Nikki *hugs*<br /><br />I know we talked a lot about various options during dinner, but I just wanted to stop by to tell you that I'm thinking about you!<br /><br />I'm sorry that your weekend was touched by reminders of your pain (that damn IF always has to find a way to remind us of its presence!).<br /><br />Like we talked about, take a little time to try and find yourself again. Regain your mental and physical strength. Life still has so many possibilities for you in its pocket. <br /><br />Looking forward to seeing you again in the (hopefully) not-too-distant future!Meg.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00362604475161394470noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-42594970091653481302009-09-09T13:00:56.888-07:002009-09-09T13:00:56.888-07:00I'm practically in the same situation and it c...I'm practically in the same situation and it could have been me writing this post. We are also starting to consider the 'what if, it never works' scenario...apieceofwoodhttp://www.apieceofwood.co.uknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-63350541797871142082009-09-08T20:14:30.687-07:002009-09-08T20:14:30.687-07:00I've had the same feelings as you lately, not ...I've had the same feelings as you lately, not feeling any joy in the things I normally love to do. The grief of IF is huge. Hugs to you as you go through the grieving process.<br /><br />If I were in your shoes, I'd figure out a way to transfer those remaining normal embryos. Maybe I would do a ton of research to figure out how to make my uterus work, if that was the choice I had. Talk to your RE at CCRM about how to get your uterus working! There is all kinds of stuff out there, and you just never know what's going to work. Sometimes, half the battle is getting your RE to agree to something.<br /><br />I've also thought about adoption after hearing a co-worker rave about it. He went through IF treatments too, and didn't want to adopt at first. His wife is adopted, so he finally agreed to it, and had a good experience. My husband is against adoption, but I think there is a lot of misconceptions he has about it. I've learned so much about adoption from other bloggers who have chosen this path.<br /><br />No easy answers, for sure. My only advice is not to push yourself to do anything until you are ready. This IF stuff is exhausting! When I get down, my husband makes me workout, and it helps. Focusing on you right now and healing from your last cycle sounds like a priority.Phoebehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07668069274859889749noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-87203084372495616482009-09-08T17:39:00.009-07:002009-09-08T17:39:00.009-07:00Nikki
I'm going to send you a message on IVFC....Nikki<br />I'm going to send you a message on IVFC.<br />I'm thinking of you.DAVshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16759565504954172751noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-11443998897574135142009-09-08T07:58:49.951-07:002009-09-08T07:58:49.951-07:00Dear Nikki, my heart breaks for you that you are h...Dear Nikki, my heart breaks for you that you are having to go through all this. I was realizing that if my last embryo doesn't take in my upcoming FET, I will be wearing very similiar shoes and I believe I would be having the same exact thoughts. Having a next plan always helps me, but coming up with that plan is always a difficult one. Seems no path in this journey is easy or without significant cost.<br /><br />My best advice is to seek some counseling from someone who specializes in infertility and grief. What you are going through is way too heavy for you to carry on your own. While going through the sessions, I recommend taking some time away from the IF world and enjoying some fun time with your dh and friends as much as possible while blocking out anything to do with babies or pg bellies. Then eventually, start working through your next plan. Weigh all the pros and cons of each one. <br /><br />While it is very hard to see right now and maybe not even comforting, try to keep in mind that there are many options available to you, it is not over and you will be a mom one way or another. Hugs!Jill M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03527626839439456919noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-66638568146519834312009-09-08T05:57:08.834-07:002009-09-08T05:57:08.834-07:00I don't even know where to start Nikki. Part ...I don't even know where to start Nikki. Part of me knows what you are going through b/c of my own personal experience but the other part of me (never experiencing IVF) leaves me bewildered. I was forced to quit TTC due to finances. Plus we had exhausted the amount of IUI C's my RE was willing to do, he was pushing us towards IVF, which is against what we believe in. I can say that stepping away from TTC was the best thing for me at the moment, but how long is the moment where I feel satisfied with clearing my mind and becoming me again going to last? In the end I'm still struggling with the ~Norm~ that I can't achieve, ie family. DH is against adoption so we are at the end of our journey. Sometimes I hope that a BFP will happen "accidentally", other times I struggle with the same thoughts "do I really want to be a parent 24/7?" Maybe its our coping mechanism. Who knows. At the end of the day there is no right or wrong answer, its what you feel is best together as a couple. I think stepping away for a while and regrouping doesn't sound like a bad idea. Right now, I'm attempting to focus all my energy in losing the lbs that my body gained from all my self induced "baby weight" from my IF treatment. Through some irl friends I found Isagenix cleansing program, so I can try to detox and feel better about myself first, which is most important. Sorry for the rambling..... ((((HUGS)))))Misty Dawnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10082337877075044503noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-54441672550310192982009-09-08T05:43:35.058-07:002009-09-08T05:43:35.058-07:00maybe another option, too? is it even possible fo...maybe another option, too? is it even possible for you and your cousin to prep for the FET at the same time? ...you see who produces the best "environment" and go with that? <br /><br />nikki, this is such a hard decision, and i'm so sorry that you have to deal with this whole process. :( it's definitely not fair. you totally would make a fantastic parent.<br /><br />you continue to be an inspiration to me!<br />xoxoAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-90506064480350106742009-09-08T05:40:36.466-07:002009-09-08T05:40:36.466-07:00Option 5...
having been through a pretty painful ...Option 5...<br /><br />having been through a pretty painful roller coaster myself,I feel option 5 seems so nice. <br /><br />AT least I will have the money to take care of many kids.. educate or feed..It will not be a painful reminder of one's failure..but will make one feel so useful as a human being..<br /><br />I have asked this question a million times and I am always greeted by silence or words that do not really console me..<br /><br />Q..how long can one go on punishing oneself for no fault of anyone's ?<br /><br />love,<br />shilpaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-91597114500507403112009-09-08T05:39:43.554-07:002009-09-08T05:39:43.554-07:00Argh. I wrote a whole thing and it got deleted som...Argh. I wrote a whole thing and it got deleted somehow! Anyway, it is totally normal to be questioning your needs and desires at this point. I think, after all you/we 've been through, we have a tendency to second guess our motives. I know this winter I was in a similar place- questioning whether or not we really wanted kids (and after 6 IVF's you'd think I would have answered that). I think it is our psyches trying to give us an "out". Totally normal...but very confusing.<br /><br />You will get through this. You have some really good options. The most important thing right now seems to be getting to the same place with your DH. Make sure he knows where you are now too. My DH and I had to have a conversation the other day b/c we were both feeling strangely uneasy and couldn't figure out why...we got what we wanted and are excited...but we were unsettled. It turns out that we've been doing IF treatments for so long and always searching out the next option or looking to the next cycle that we were both feeling a little lost. Like we forgot to do something or we didn't know how to be normal anymore. I'm guessing you guys are in a similar place but reacting to the same thing in a different way from each other. Just a thought. Talk it out.<br /><br />No matter what option you do, it will be a good one.Suehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05323373273366929886noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-54501704934546219952009-09-08T03:49:25.587-07:002009-09-08T03:49:25.587-07:00I will post more later but I wanted to just make s...I will post more later but I wanted to just make sure you know that I am thinking of you ((HUGS)).<br /><br />We went down all of those routes in our minds - it was not an easy decision to use DS. <br /><br />Finally, the feelings you describe - I still have them - IF, loss, depression - it takes a long, hard toll on us and I think that it will take a long time to work through it. Thinking of you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-29190063773091507472009-09-07T20:54:34.741-07:002009-09-07T20:54:34.741-07:00Oh, Nikki....
I hear every bit of what you're ...Oh, Nikki....<br />I hear every bit of what you're saying (and I certainly identify with many of your feelings). I understand that feeling of going through each day without a plan -- ANY plan -- that can keep you going. I'm kind of there right now myself.<br />I don't want to give you some lame pep talk, but I will say honestly that you do have options, which you've so thoughtfully presented. That is a big plus.<br />It's got to be good to know you've got those embies waiting for you, but I understand your distrust of your body. I think the cousin/surrogate idea sounds very appealing. That might be something to talk through and nurture for a while. If your cousin really wants to do that for you, I think that's a wonderful option. You can always get the ball rolling with adoption in the meantime. Since the adoption process can take time, perhaps you can have that in the works just in case. You can always stop the process later if you want to, but if you start now at least you're making headway and making the most of your current "down time." Plus, it might occupy your mind and get you back to having a plan in place.<br />A fresh IVF is always nice, but I understand about being at the mercy of finances....<br />The last option is a tough one. For the time I've gotten to know you, you're someone I absolutely see as being a parent -- however it pans out. I know how much you want that, and I'm sure the feelings and doubt in your heart are more moved by just wanting the emptiness to be filled -- not really wanting to give up your dream.<br />I still have so much hope for you both. I don't know if anything I've said has helped, but I wanted you to know I'm here for you and pulling for you every step of the way.<br /><br />LaurenLaurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07547132736468583637noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-4553382353783726492009-09-07T20:53:13.629-07:002009-09-07T20:53:13.629-07:00Hi Nikki, thank you for taking us through your tho...Hi Nikki, thank you for taking us through your thought process. It's very personal and as I read through all I could think is that you've done a very good job of keeping in touch with your feelings and outlining some options. <br /><br />My only suggestion is that meeting with the infertility therapist I continue to see since I did IVF (even 1-2 times/month) has been helpful to me. Even covered by insurance!<br /><br />I don't know if therapy is right for you or joint therapy is right for you and hubby, but I've found it a good thing. Recommended infertility therapists are listed on Open Path and RESOLVE websites.<br /><br />XOXOLisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17462141149078143157noreply@blogger.com