tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65101899367901601752024-02-18T19:22:39.881-08:00Our roller coaster ride through infertility and moreThese are my thoughts and ramblings as we plod through our quest to have a family. The ride has been loopy and we seem to be on a low more than on a high. Hopefully this too shall change someday.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.comBlogger222125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-60927242357954374932013-07-17T14:59:00.000-07:002013-07-17T14:59:08.645-07:00Know you're not alone.... I'm gonna make this place your home<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/HoRkntoHkIE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
<br />
The first time I heard Philip Phillips sing this song was on the radio a while ago. I remember I was driving home from work when this song came on, and as I listened to the words, it made me cry. Tears clouded my vision and I blinked them away to be able to see the road ahead. <br />
The song was obviously not written with me in mind, and probably had nothing to do with my situation, but it spoke volumes to me. You see, we had just signed up for domestic adoption, and the lines "Know you're not alone, I'm gonna make this place your home" resonated very deeply with me. Since then, till now - this song became our "Adoption Song". <br />
<br />
Fast forward a few months later.... and he's here! In a whirlwind of emails, texts, calls, trips and visits, we heard from a birth mother, met her, and within 2 months of the first contact, he was already ours!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwfXzZQEZpLRU_SryvyugD43vOI5uqkpcnxEPuuALhCxoghGjryxLOm7n42pLmoBk6zPm2CmukIe8Q0f9MHJRTWdKsFIAvuaKc0qh5veY_bg_Lrqi3aUkTNk4Vz3mjgKko0h-gwyUL5U0/s1600/IMG_20130701_165955.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwfXzZQEZpLRU_SryvyugD43vOI5uqkpcnxEPuuALhCxoghGjryxLOm7n42pLmoBk6zPm2CmukIe8Q0f9MHJRTWdKsFIAvuaKc0qh5veY_bg_Lrqi3aUkTNk4Vz3mjgKko0h-gwyUL5U0/s320/IMG_20130701_165955.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
Introducing Rowan! He is 4 weeks old today, and is an absolute joy. Our road to parenthood was long and rocky, but he is so worth it. The sweet boy has made all our dreams come true and DH and I couldn't be happier.<br />
<br />
We are an Indian couple and we have a Caucasian white, grey eyed, blond haired little one. In the last 4 weeks, we've already had some interesting conversations with strangers who look at us and then look at him and look confused. But we're loving it. Proudly embracing our differences and working towards solidifying our similarities! <br />
<br />
I know I haven't posted anything here in a long long time, and I don't know if anyone is still interested, but I thought I should post an update, just in case. I'm not going to write here in this blog any more. I may start a blog about my adoption story and our journey with him, and once I do, I can share it with anyone who wants to stay in touch.<br />
<br />
Thank you all for being there when I was at my lowest and for always being supportive and encouraging. Life takes us all on different journeys and I guess eventually we all find resolution - one way or the other.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-8670766258273826442010-04-18T18:27:00.000-07:002010-04-18T18:30:00.567-07:00Unresolved<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">Firstly – thank you so much to those of you who thought of me, and thought of me enough to come leave a comment enquiring about my whereabouts. I’m sorry I disappeared off the face of the earth altogether. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I’m sorry for being a bad blogger, and being a bad reader. Sorry to everyone who needed my support and I wasn’t there to offer it. Really, truly sorry about that. No excuse is good enough for not being a good friend, specially in the IF world.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Congrats to the BFPs, new babies, healthy pregnancies, and everyone who is on their way to beating the IF monster in one way or another.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Me – I’m in the “none of the above” category – yet again. It seems to be the story and motto of my life. And this time I have nobody but myself to blame. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The last time I was here on my blog, we had completed our home study, and were about to get started on the outreach part of our adoption process. That was when I just started a new job, which turned out to be way more stressful than I had ever imagined. So our first thought was to wait a couple of months till I feel more settled in my job before we jump into outreach with adoption, because that was going to entail a lot of work on our part as well. We would have to make our booklet, put aside pictures for it, get letters of recommendations from friends (which we had partly done already). </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">We would also have to write a letter, make 3000 copies of it (yes, 3000 – and that’s not a typo), and mail it out to medical centers, OB-GYNs, Planned Parenthood clinics etc across the country. That’s part of our agency’s outreach program. 3000 copies, 3000 envelopes, 3000 stamps – undefined time, lots of money – in short, a complete 100% commitment from us. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So we decided to take a couple of months before doing this. And during those couple of months, I decided to continue to read about adoption to be more prepared as an adoptive parent.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Only, I didn’t expect my brain to do a total flip on me. It did. The more I read, the more I was convinced I was not ready to adopt. The books talked about issues with open adoptions – the questions kids ask, the grief and loss they feel, the situations that come up, and how over and over again we, as adoptive parents will have to deal with those situations. It just made me panic more and more, making me feel like I was not ready to proceed at all. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">And I know one can never be fully aware of all the situations one is going to deal with in life, and I know that everyone’s story turns out to be different, but I also know that I’m tired, and I don’t want to have to deal anymore. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I feel like such an idiot to have been so sure about everything, to have moved ahead with (and completed!!) the home study, and to now realize and confess that perhaps I am not ready to adopt at all. Suddenly the option of living child-free seems more appealing. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I mean, we know how to deal with this – infertility, and life with infertility and being childless. We know how to respond to inquisitive questions – whether they are sensitive or not. Other than IF, life is pretty decent. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">What I don’t know is if I am ready for yet another roller coaster. A lifetime of “age appropriate information” to the child, a lifetime of questions, and inquiries and situations. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Adoption can help fill our need to parent, but it will not fill the void infertility has caused, nor will it heal the wounds and gashes that are so deep. And I don’t know if, for fulfilling our parenting need, we are ready to take on so much more at this time. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">DH feels I may be right, specially since our adoption would be transracial (and that in itself will cause several more unique situations). He feels like we should really think this through before we take any further steps, and maybe even wait till we are eligible to adopt from India. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So here we are. In my head, living child-free seems like a tempting option. In DH’s head, not so much. He feels we should parent, but he agrees that we should not jump in when we are not totally ready. Therefore, we have put the brakes on the process for now. I don’t know how this will resolve, and like much of our life for the last 9 years, we shall see. </p> <!--EndFragment-->Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-83370727640724878482010-01-16T17:34:00.000-08:002010-01-16T18:14:11.215-08:00Bossisms!So often, what you get out of your job depends on your manager. If you’re lucky to have a good manager, you can concentrate on your work, and life goes on. If you get a moron for a manager, life will chase you down to your workplace and mock at you.<br /><br />My manager, as we’ve guessed by now, belonged to the latter group. Grade A moron. Right from assuming that I was childless because I chose not to have kids, to assuming that my in-laws probably hate me because I chose not to have kids, to making comments about how it didn’t matter where I live because I don’t have kids, to how he realized the value of a woman only when his wife was in labor during delivery, he demonstrated his clueless-ness over and over again.<br /><br />I did my bit in keeping him informed about my situation (specially when we were going to Denver for my FET), and then also told him when the cycle didn’t work out (because I was a mess and wanted to leave work after I got the BFN call).<br /><br />This background will explain why the following incident left me both seething in anger, and shaking my head in disbelief.<br /><br />This happened maybe 3 weeks after my BFN (so yes, even the timing was absolutely wrong!). He called me to his office and gave me a piece of paper and said “Can you help me write something for this?” I was expecting this to be some sort of a marketing / sales related announcement or something, so I picked up the paper and read it. Before I make any further comments about it – here you go, read it for yourself. The picture is not very clear because I took it from my phone camera and my hands were shaking too badly to get a steady shot!<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheDnlZD6IgwxIM3lpOfHVS4KYP9PaSG2YFc9b3qbH9TJOX9EPxrjpBdYjn8GSHgVcc8SXIqtpGF_7CAepbDPJmlRWyhFto6S7t8bJ-R0oN-itqfcWbHg0AubqYCgmU0_CkWvHBDm_e45c/s1600-h/IMG_0203_2.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheDnlZD6IgwxIM3lpOfHVS4KYP9PaSG2YFc9b3qbH9TJOX9EPxrjpBdYjn8GSHgVcc8SXIqtpGF_7CAepbDPJmlRWyhFto6S7t8bJ-R0oN-itqfcWbHg0AubqYCgmU0_CkWvHBDm_e45c/s400/IMG_0203_2.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5427523288500547538" /></a><br /><br />He wanted me to help him with a letter to his 5 year old daughter’s kindergarten class???<br /><br />Needless to say my jaw fell to the ground, my hands went cold, and my throat went dry. 10 million thoughts raced through my head at the same time. What kind of idiot does this? This was wrong on so many levels – just so wrong on so many levels!<br /><br />a) He knew of my situation, and my fresh, recent BFN. How wrong of him to even think of asking me to help with this!<br />b) Forget the IF, even professionally this was so wrong! I am / was not his secretary! And even if I was his secretary, I am sure it would not be part of my job to write personal notes for him and his kids!<br /><br /><br />My first thought was to say No. But I was just so stunned that I couldn’t say anything. I stood there and looked at him, and right then, his phone rang. He picked it up, and I walked back to my desk, paper in hand.<br /><br />I IM’ed my DH and told him what had happened, and what assignment I had been given. He was LIVID! Like, ready to come there and – in DH”s actual words - “kick his a$$” DH told me not to write it, and that starting that day I “should be on sick leave – just imagine you have the flu or something” till I could find another job. It’s sweet to know that my DH totally has my back when in comes to situations like these. Here’s a man who is in touch with the emotions of IF, and is man enough to accept the emotions!<br /><br />After my heart stopped racing, and my hands stopped shaking, I thought about going back to my manager and explaining why it was inappropriate of him to ask me to write this letter. Then I was like – he’s never going to understand. I mean - he didn’t have enough EQ in the first place, because if he did, he would never have asked! He would never get it. It would just be all the more painful for me to be talking about my IF to such a clueless man.<br /><br />And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to me that it would be easier for me to just write the note, than to try and explain myself to my manager.<br /><br />So I did it. I wrote the note. I just made believe that I was writing it to my imaginary kindergartener.<br /><br /><br /><br /><b>PS:</b> And to complete the story – no, I did not go on sick leave after this incident. I went back to work and carried on with my usual work as always. I waited till the time was right for me to leave, and I left on good terms. He will never know that he subjected DH and me to so much turmoil that day.<br /><br /><b>PPS:</b> To redeem him a little, he did say this when I resigned earlier this month “I hope 2010 is your year. I hope your adoption match comes through because I can’t see you wanting a baby so bad, and I hope your career takes off the way you want it to” (His language is not as smooth as this, but this is what he meant)Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-33545289689574979952010-01-12T17:51:00.000-08:002010-01-12T18:00:43.715-08:00Where am I?First of all, I am very sorry for being a terrible blogger, and a worse commenter! I keep thinking of topics to write on my blog, and I keep thinking how much my blogosphere peeps must be missing me (though I’m sure I’m not missed half as much as I would like to believe I am!)<br /><br />So where have I been? In a variety of different places actually. This post is just a list of updates on various parts of my life in the last few months.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Where am I in life?</span><br />In life, in general, I’ve been in a good place. I’m at peace with myself and with what has been and will be. I give huge credit to my hypnotherapy session and tape for helping me come to this calm place in my life. For the most time, I’m at ease with myself and I’ve been a lot calmer recently than I have been for years.<br /><br />That is FOR THE MOST PART. And then there are sudden incidents, or parts of conversations, or reminders that come up, and bring everything back to the surface again. A commercial or show on TV will bring a sudden lump to the throat. I’ll go to a blog, and read something that will touch my heart. Lastchance posted a <a href="http://lastchanceivf.blogspot.com/2010/01/when-you-feel-your-heart-is.html">video</a> on her blog, and it made me cry. It was the story of my life, only cuter. She and her DH are so adorable! My DH and I would a) never look so cute, and b) never have thought of documenting our IVF journey so well! No regrets wrote about the <a href="http://lostinspace2008.blogspot.com/2010/01/who-knew.html">“Losses of IF”</a> and reading that made everything come back again. But I realize that’s how life is going to be. I think I’m going to be able to move on, by and large, and once in a while, I will HAVE to revisit everything, acknowledge the deep gashes that IF has left on my soul and on my life, and accept that even with the gashes and the scars and wounds, I still have the strength to walk on. I have to have the strength to move on.<br /><br /><b>Where am I with TTC?</b><br />Nowhere, really. Our frozen embryos will remain frozen for now. I know I don’t have it in me to do an FET just yet. Maybe I will at some point. Or maybe we will try having my cousin be a gestational carrier for us (she had offered last year, but I am not counting my eggs before they are hatched (literally!!) )<br /><br /><b>Where am I on the adoption process?</b><br />We’re doing pretty well on adoption actually. We selected the agency we are going with – and we chose the agency that called us about that potential birthmother back in October. We thought they stood out amongst the other agencies because they reached out to us when they had no obligation to. They were very responsive and supportive through our scurried attempts are putting our booklet together, and have been very proactive throughout. So we chose them and began our home study. And we’ve been happy with our decision so far. No regrets.<br /><br />As of right now, our home study is almost complete. The social worker came home twice. One visit was for him to see the house, and to talk to both of us at the same time. The second visit was for our individual meetings with him. Our finger printing, medical certificates etc have all been done a while ago. We are now ready to pay up for the outreach part and get started! So very soon, it could be any time that we may get matched!<br /><br /><b>Where am I with my job?</b><br />Some of you may remember the crazy stories about my manager. If not, <a href="http://7yearsandcounting.blogspot.com/2009/04/you-dont-have-children.html">here you go</a>, and <a href="http://7yearsandcounting.blogspot.com/2009/07/value-of-lady.html">here you go again</a>! There have been more stories, including one that made me seethe in anger. But that makes for another post, and I will post about that incident soon. So I decided to find myself another job, and leave as soon as I could.<br /><br />I also decided that I was no longer going to put my life and career on back burner because “this could be the month”! 2010 is going to be the year where I take control of SOME of the things in my life.<br /><br />I interviewed at a couple of places, and got offers that I could choose from. I quit my job last week, am taking 2 weeks off, and starting at my new job on 1/25!<br /><br />So all in all, 2010 so far has been good to us. It’s only been 12 days, so I hope I don’t speak too soon! But I’m determined to live my life the best I can, while I wait for things to fall in place. Because I believe it will happen. Some day, somehow, it will happen.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-43317054797717658052009-12-28T22:18:00.000-08:002009-12-28T22:19:52.919-08:00The year in reviewDec 31, 2008: We arrived in Denver for IVF #5. CCRM was going to be the answer to our prayers! New Years Eve was spent taking my injection and getting settled into the hotel room which was going to be home for the next several days. <br /><br />Jan 2009: The first half of the month was spent in CO. I went through my 5th ER – 31 eggs were retrieved! Yes, CCRM did seem to be the answer to our prayers! The rest of the month was spent in waiting for fert reports, growth reports, PGD reports (we did a freeze all cycle). We have 4 PGD normal embryos!<br /><br />Feb 2009: I started prepping my lining for FET. My lining didn’t seem to be growing very well. Almost the entire month was a whirl of lupron, estrogen patches, delestrogen injections and ultrasounds. <br /><br />March 2009: I was still on Lupron! It had been almost 7 weeks on Lupron and I was going insane. My lining was not growing, and nothing seemed to budge it. I tried acupuncture, “bone soup”, hot foods, delestrogen, estrogen patches, estrace suppositories and everything else I could think of. But no luck. I called off the cycle and decided to take a break.<br /><br />April 2009: I was on a break, and we were in need of a salary coming into the house. I started looking for a job, found one and started working. My uncle (mom’s brother) in Nashua was very sick and I spent a week there with him and his family. It didn’t look good, and he didn’t look like he would make it much longer.<br /><br />May 2009: When AF came, we decided to get back on to the FET bandwagon. I started Lupron and all of the same insanity again. <br /><br />June 2009: My parents came from India – to be with my uncle and help him and his family out. Uncle was deteriorating. In the meantime, my lining was doing the same “no growth” pattern as before. I was now on heavy doses of delestrogen and patches and suppositories. My FET date kept getting pushed out because my lining wasn’t good enough. At the end of the month, my uncle passed away.<br /><br />July 2009: Most of the month was still spent on Lupron and estrogen. By the time it came to FET at the end of the month, I had been on Lupron for about 8 weeks! Crazy? Yes, absolutely! My lining barely made it to the minimum required level, and we decided to proceed with transfer. We transferred two beautiful looking grade AA blastocysts. <br /><br />August 2009: BFN. Not much to note for the rest of the month. How many people do you know who are childless even after 5 IVFs? Besides me, I can count maybe 2-3 others. Not a whole lot. It’s a sad, sparsely populated club to be in. <br /><br />September 2009, October 2009, November 2009: Honestly, it’s all a blur. I can’t remember much of what happened in these three months. Somewhere along the line, we started talking seriously about domestic adoption. DH is the project leader for our adoption program. He did all the research and we finalized on the agency we want to go with. We also got a potential birth mom situation that made us so excited. <br /><br />December 2009: Here we are, at the end of a year that I hoped would bring us the answers we needed. CCRM did not turn out to be the answer to our prayers. We are on the brink of 2010, and we are still looking for answers. We still have 2 frozen blastocysts but we are out of steam. I also am not sure my lining will cooperate any time soon. Most importantly, I am not ready to stick another needle into me – not for the foreseeable future. We have filled out our application forms for domestic adoption and have sent them in. We are waiting for our home study to get done. We are trying to be hopeful for 2010, but have been let down and disappointed too many times before to put much hope into our hearts. We are more realistic now, more cautious with the dreams in our minds. My motto is: Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Who knows, life may pan out somewhere in between.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-3269198867640327872009-12-06T20:07:00.000-08:002009-12-06T20:11:19.176-08:00It was good while it lastedNobody said the adoption process was going to be smooth sailing, but after 8 years on a stomach churning, vomit inducing roller coaster ride called infertility, I was secretly hoping we’d get a break and the universe would put us into the “preferential treatment” category. A girl can dream, can’t she?<br /><br />It all started 2 months ago. When I wrote <a href="http://7yearsandcounting.blogspot.com/2009/10/of-race-and-ethnicity.html">this</a> post, we were close to finalizing which agency we would go with, and we were close to initiating the entire paperwork. We wrapped our minds around bringing home a baby of a different race, and started visualizing in our minds a baby in our arms, a baby that we would love unconditionally – our baby. <br /><br />And then we got a call – from the same agency that we were finalizing to sign up with. Hold your breath – they told us they had been contacted by a social worker in Nevada, who had been contacted by an Indian family. There was a young girl in this family who was pregnant, and they were considering placing this baby up for adoption. <br /><br />As you can imagine, our world did an instant flip flop! The agency said they remembered us from our conversation with them, and since it was rare for them to come across an Indian baby up for adoption, they thought of asking us if we would be interested. <br /><br />IF we would be interested??? Of course we would be interested!! <br /><br />Mind you, we weren’t even signed up with the agency yet, so they really had no obligation to bring us this potential match! So in our naïve minds, we started believing this was meant to be! This was the universe’s way of cutting us a break, and making something easy for us. We couldn’t stop smiling! <br /><br />The agency gave us less than 2 days to prepare our “Dear Birthmother” letter and our profile booklet. We worked like insane people on a mission! Writing, selecting pictures, creating the profile, printing, binding, rushing to the agency etc. <br /><br />And then the wait started. I literally had my phone attached to me like an additional appendage all the time. How cool was this! Unlike other couples who usually don’t get the chance to “customize” their profiles and letters to the birthmom’s situation, we had been so lucky to have some information about the birthmom. We knew she was Punjabi (ie, from around the part of India my family is from), so our pictures depicted our Indian roots more than we would have initially imagined. Our letter was written in English, and I also wrote out a copy in Indian! Our profile literally was screaming: “Pick Me! Pick Me!”<br /><br />We were so sure this was going to work! I mean, how couldn’t it? There had to be karma involved in this, right? <br /><br />One week went past. No phone call. Two weeks went past. No phone call. We followed up with the agency. They had not heard either, and they promised to follow up with the social worker. They came back saying the social worker had not heard anything either. <br /><br />One month went past. No phone call. Now it’s almost 2 months. I’m not carrying my phone like it’s my lifeline anymore. The agency never heard anything back. They feel no news means it didn’t work out. And I’ve stopped hoping too. Yes, there is that tiny little sliver of chance that MAYBE, just maybe, it will still happen, and that the birth mom and her family (her dad was the one driving the entire conversation with the agency in the beginning) may still call us. But then there is the very real and probably more likely possibility that we will never hear from them.<br /><br />We don’t know if they didn’t pick us, and picked someone else from another agency, or if someone within their family / friend circle offered to take care of the baby or if they decided not to put the baby up for adoption after all. Who knows what their reality and situation is at this point. <br /><br />But it was good while it lasted. The shine and sparkle in our eyes was worth it! We allowed ourselves to hope so much about this working out that we actually had conversations revolving around me taking time off from work, and us having to figure out day-care etc.! Pre-mature yes, but it was a huge first for us.<br /><br />We had never before come within touching and feeling distance of a baby like this! This birth mother is due on Jan 27! If this match had worked out, we really would have had to have all those conversations and decisions in place by now! <br /><br />But I guess it’s not so simple in my life. The universe and karma and fate and whoever else is not cutting me any slack. The adoption ride may turn out to be as crazy a roller coaster as our IF treatment ride. Hop on and hang tight!Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-9910519617522899802009-11-28T13:17:00.000-08:002009-11-28T13:35:19.158-08:00AngelversaryIt’s been 2 years since that fateful appointment with my RE. I can remember every minute of that appointment like it happened just yesterday. Him smiling when he came into the room, telling us that was our last appointment with him, asking us if we had made an appointment with a perinatologist for subsequent visits. <br /><br />And then the ultrasound when our world came tumbling down. <br /><br />The RE’s shaking hands as he tried desperately to find that heartbeat, to dismiss his suspicions. His voice, higher pitched than usual, saying “There is no heartbeat”. <br /><br />Numbed silence from DH and me. No tears, no words, no nothing. What could we say? Then the whole whirl of things – someone saying “Let’s schedule the D&C”, someone coming and hugging me, saying “I’m so sorry”. DH and me looking at each other, holding hands, still numbed and silenced by the events. <br /><br />Two years to the day. <br /><br />They say time is the best healer. I think time just dulls the pain. The actual pain remains forever. The loss remains forever. All time does is make memories dull and faint. I can feel the choking lump in my throat as I type this right now. The pain is still there, right at the surface. <br /><br />If anything is fading, it’s my memories of how it felt to be pregnant. That was the only pregnancy I felt anything. Not being able to sleep on my tummy as I usually do, because my breasts hurt so much. Not be able to stay awake past 8 PM because I was just SO exhausted. Wanting to eat meat that was cooked with a lot of spice. I am not a beef eater – I didn’t even know how it tastes, but I swear, watching those steakhouse commercials on TV at that time would make me want to go eat steak right then! <br /><br />But those memories are fading away. Every week, every month, every year, I am further away from the time I was pregnant. <br /><br />I’ve been working very hard at accepting the cards that have been dealt out to me. I got tired of being angry at the universe. But then it’s days like today when the floodgates open, and everything comes pouring back in. Why us? What did we do wrong? Our baby would have been almost a year and a half old today. We should have had a home full of toys, and baby clothes and diapers and formula, and baby food. Instead, it’s just us, 2 more years older, no closer to having a family now than we were then! <br /><br />On this day last year, as I wrote a <a href="http://7yearsandcounting.blogspot.com/2008/11/one-year-to-day.html">blog entry</a>, I was getting ready for my CCRM IVF. I still had hope. If my uterus was the problem, we had "fixed" it. If DH's translocation was the problem, we were doing genetic testing anyway. The cycle at CCRM HAD to work. Well, it didn't. We all know how that IVF cycle turned out. <br /><br />Today, I feel miserable. Simply miserable. We did all we could, because we had the ability to hope, and we had the stamina to keep trying. We lost.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-751341286289257642009-11-16T07:38:00.000-08:002009-11-16T07:43:02.498-08:00Somewhere in the universe…..November is Adoption Awareness Month, and so far, the month has been just that for us. More and more awareness about adoption.<br /><br />We started the month by kicking off some of the steps for home study. We got our fingerprinting done first, because fingerprinting results take up to 3-4 weeks to come back. (Of course my finger printing wasn’t without drama! We discovered that my little pinky fingers don’t “print” very well. I have faint lines on my palms anyway, and the little pinkies are practically “smooth”. The fingerprint technician was making jokes with me, saying “If you ever turn to a life of crime, use your pinky fingers, so you don’t leave fingerprints! She then started referring to me as the “Pinky Finger Bank Robber”! Ha! Can you imagine that? I on the other hand couldn’t help but wonder if my fingerprints are getting eroded and my fingertips are now smooth because of all the “drumming my fingers” I have done in the last 8 years! So much of infertility and treatments involved waiting, doesn’t it? Hence the finger drumming…. get it? Get it?)<br /><br />Then we got our medicals done. And as always, not without drama. No sir, in my life, nothing is without drama! DH went to his doctor, got a physical exam, got some blood work done, and was on his way. For me, drama. <br /><br />As part of my physical, my Dr. ordered some blood work and X-ray. I went to get my X-Ray done, and after I was changed into the paper gown, the lab tech asks me “So I think I asked you this already, and you told me you are not pregnant, right?” No, lady, you did not ask me, and yes, while I am not pregnant, it shouldn’t be SO obvious, should it? I should at least be asked!! <br /><br />Then I went to get the rest of my blood work done. I filled out my name and DOB on the check in form, and I get called up immediately.<br /><br />Nurse: “Is this for your son?”<br />Me: …………………………… “No” (Couldn’t for the life of me figure out why she would assume that, till she pointed out that I had put 2009 in the “year” on the DOB part of the form!! D’oh! Why me?)<br /><br />I finally get called in, and the phlebotomist puts on her glove and looks for my vein. She finds the vein, looks up at me, and says: “Looks like you’ve been poked a lot”. I said yes, and asked her how she could tell. She said she could feel all the scarring in my veins from the blood draws I have had earlier. <br /><br />I could have let myself get sucked into the unfairness of it all, all the reminders, all the drama, and question the universe about the injustice that has been doled out towards me, and I did, for a tiny bit. I did have a “Woe is me” pity party for a little bit. But I am not going to allow myself to get sucked into that whirlpool again. I’m focusing on the end goal this time, and I have my sights set on bringing baby home. <br /><br />The agency that we have selected as our adoption agency had an “Adoption Day Party” this weekend. DH and I went, to make use of the opportunity to meet other people in our shoes. It was an awesome experience. We met some birthmoms, and some adoptive families. There were little babies crawling / running around, and it was pure joy watching them. <br /><br />Meeting the birthmoms was the best part. Talking to them brought images to my mind that this could work. We could, at the end of this, bring a child into our family in this way! We can actually do it! I hugged some of the birth moms after they shared their stories with us, and felt that all too familiar choke in my throat, and the sting of tears in my eyes. These birth moms are mere girls! 18 years old, 20 years old! They look like little kids! If we had had children at their age, some of them could actually BE our children! (I mean age wise) <br /><br />I don’t know how our path ahead will be. I don’t know how rocky or smooth our adoption journey will be, but I do believe that somewhere in the universe, the wheels are turning. And our baby is making its way towards us. Only, none of us know how, and when it will all come together. But it will. It has to.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-64181866193796748852009-11-01T17:35:00.000-08:002009-11-01T17:55:33.193-08:00This one's for the girlsThis is a story about real life friends. A story about how a group of ladies that met as part of a support group grew to becoming a group of ladies that were supporting each other through some of the toughest times in each others’ lives. <br /><br />A little over a year ago, <a href="http://dochaschronicles.blogspot.com/">Shelby</a> commented on my blog for the first time, and she said she also lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, so I said: “Let’s meet.” We met one afternoon, and hit it off. It was so easy to talk to Shelby. She is wonderfully witty, compassionate and very warm. <br /><br />Shelby had been going to a local support group in San Francisco, and she had met some other ladies there that were also going through IF struggles. She asked if I would be willing to come and have dinner with the group some time. At first I hesitated. I had never been to support groups before. I had never talked to “strangers” about my situation in life (I mean, I do talk through my blog, but I have the cover of anonymity here). Shelby asked me if I would be more comfortable if the group included spouses. That way I could ask DH to accompany me. I did, and that’s how I first met “the ladies”. <br /><br />Our group met quite regularly after that. Sometimes for brunch, sometimes for a drink, sometimes at someone’s house. Everyone was at various stages of their journeys. LW was in the decision making space in between her IUIs and IVF. M was doing IUIs. J was coping with immune issues, and doing IVF coupled with very severe transfusion procedures. OC was going through IVF, and it worked! ME was going through DE and it worked! KW had just had a miscarriage after IVF, and then got pregnant naturally! Shelby’s IVF worked! I was going for my uterus surgery and getting ready for my last hurrah IVF at CCRM. <br /><br />One by one, it seemed like the group was achieving success. It became a little difficult to be the one(s) left behind. I had by now been lapped several times through the years, so in a way, I was expecting it. But it still made it hard for me to meet the group, especially when the majority of the group was pregnant. We met a couple of new ladies, also from the support group that Sarang met Shelby at. The group sort of started growing in a different direction. <br /><br />Sarang (her blog is private, so I can’t link it here) was phenomenal through the changes. She reached out to all the pregnant girls one on one, met with them, checked in on them regularly, all while she was going through a failed IVF and failed FETs. <br /><br />I, on the other hand, let myself withdraw. I felt I needed to. I called it “my coping mechanism” or “self preservation”. I went through my cancelled FET, and subsequently my failed FET, and fell into a dark deep place in my life. I am doing much better now, and now, as I look back, I realize how much of a hand each and every one of these ladies had in gently pulling me out of my trenches. I got emails, voice mails, phone calls, text messages, flowers, and hand written cards in the mail! Each time someone reached out, it put a smile on my face.<br /><br />See, I had spent 8 years struggling alone with IF. I had never explored support groups. I had grown used to dealing with my failures and losses in my own way – which mostly meant closing down from the rest of the world till I regained the energy and the strength to face life again. Receiving these notes and flowers and messages felt different. And I am so very thankful to everyone for being there. <br /><br />So Sarang, MV, Shelby, ME, OC, KW, JC, L – if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart! You rock! You don’t know how much you have helped me by just being there, and by reaching out to me when you knew I needed you, though some of those times, I didn’t know it myself! <br /><br />OC and ME recently had their babies, Shelby is due soon, and so is KW. MV, Sarang and JC’s journey still continues. My journey continues too. The routes may have changed for some of us, but the destination remains the same – parenthood. <br /><br />The group continues to meet – sometimes in big groups, sometimes one on one. We now have more members. Recently, <a href="http://noovenforthebun.blogspot.com/">Meg</a> found my blog and reached out. She and I met for dinner a couple of months ago. Meg is beautiful, and warm and funny! I introduced her to the original group (or at least the ones still on the TTC bandwagon from that group). Meg introduced us to <a href="http://bankingonafamily.blogspot.com/">Melissa</a>, who is a sweetheart! Sarang brought in a few more ladies, and the "new group" met just recently. <br /><br />So now we have new faces in the group, but the bonding remains the same. The stories are different, but the struggle is the same. And it is so easy to connect with these ladies because everyone gets it. Everyone is in different stages of her journey, but the emotions are the same. <br /><br />We meet at restaurants and bond over food. And as any veteran IFer, none of us are ashamed of talking about our body parts, or medical procedures, or TTC terminology. I am sure many a fellow restaurant client on the surrounding tables has had trouble ingesting their food if they have ever overheard our conversations! We giggle over stories of cervical mucus, sperm counts, fertilization rates, number of eggs retrieved etc, while proceeding to eat pizza, or chinese food, or whatever else it is that we are eating. No queazy stomachs at our table! On the tables surrounding us? Who knows? And frankly, who cares? Would they rather have queazy stomachs from overhearing IF conversation, or would they rather be us, having that IF conversation?<br /><br />So this one's for the girls!!<br /><br />This one's for the girls<br />Who've ever had a broken heart<br />Who've wished upon a shooting star<br />You're beautiful the way you are<br />This one's for the girls<br />Who love without holding back<br />Who dream with everything they have<br />All around the world<br />This one's for the girls<br /><br />I recently noticed on my blog traffic monitor, that someone came to my blog by googling for "real life IF meetings in San Francisco". Whoever that was, if you are reading this, and if you are one of us that needs support, I am sure our group will be more than happy to welcome you. Leave me a comment, and we will include you in our next get together.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-29938523614296929742009-10-18T22:43:00.000-07:002009-10-18T22:48:40.961-07:00Of Race and EthnicityOur research into adoption agencies and the adoption process is continuing. Some things are becoming very clear as we dig into the research. And some options are getting eliminated just by who we are and where we are. <br /><br />We are not US citizens. We are permanent residents, and because of that, international adoption is almost ruled out for us. It’s ironical and sad that this route is so difficult for us, because as far as adopting a baby in India would go, we would be close to the top of the list of preferred adoptive parents for the orphanages and the adoption system in India. We are Indian citizens, living overseas. Most orphanages in India love that combination. However, the immigration rules for the US will not allow us to bring into the country a baby adopted internationally unless we “co-reside with the baby in the country of adoption for 2 years”.<br /><br />That almost clearly eliminates the international adoption route for us. That is, unless we decide to uproot ourselves from here and go back to India, and we don’t think we can do that. Everything in life is at such a crossroad right now anyway. We want to keep as much constant as we can. So we are trying to keep our home and place of residence constant and work around available options. <br /><br />As we began “interviewing” agencies and facilitators for adoption, and started asking questions, another piece of information started becoming more and more obvious. It will be almost impossible for us to be matched with a baby of Indian origin. Simply because there aren’t many Indian babies that become available for adoption. <br /><br />We understand why. It’s cultural. We could get VERY lucky and get matched with an Indian baby, but chances of this actually happening are very slim. As part of our routine questions to the adoption agencies we are talking to, we always ask if they have placed any babies of Indian origin. Most have not had any Indian baby placements. One has, but the frequency has been 2 in the last 8 years. So that’s another option that we see as almost non-existent. <br /><br />So not only am I having to process the loss of the biological connection, I am also having to process the loss of the ethnic / race connection. We thought it would help us if we spoke with other families that were built through transracial adoptions. Agencies are willing to refer us to families, but they are all families where the adoptive parents are Caucasian / American, and the adopted babies are ethnic. We have so far not been able to find a combination of ethnic (Indian) parents with Caucasian / American children. I had mentioned this to the hyno-therapist when I had my session with her last month. She told me to think of DH and me as pioneers in this field. She said: “If you can’t find the role models you are looking for, you become that role model”<br /><br />Interesting thought, but still it has been a lot to process. DH has a very wise head on his shoulders. He processes situations like this very practically, and once he is done processing, he is ready to proceed. I, on the other hand, have had many apprehensions. I am trying to deal with each apprehension, and I believe that I am making progress. And with that, I think I am coming to the place where I am accepting that our family is going to be created in a unique way. I am trying to stay focused that the goal is to become a parent, as opposed to the goal being to become pregnant. <br /><br />We have started talking to our families about their thoughts on transracial adoption. I have spoken with my brother and sister, and during both conversations, got the complete support that I wanted. While I was talking to my sister, I had a very powerful vision of DH and me visiting India with our adopted baby – and in my vision it was a little girl with curly hair and a beautiful laughing face – a very “white” baby, with chubby cheeks. In my vision my entire family was fawning over the baby, and everyone was just so happy! It made my heart skip a beat, and then I realized this was the first time I had actually envisioned an adopted baby in our lives, and more over, this was the first time I had envisioned my family with my baby (biological or otherwise). <br /><br />I think we are finally ready to move ahead with starting to fill out paperwork and commit to a home study to start with. I am not freaking out about this any more, and I feel we can do it.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-3887379410694560662009-10-04T23:55:00.000-07:002009-10-05T00:05:24.184-07:00Cleaning the slateI promised my readers that I would write a post about my hypnotherapy session in detail, so here goes.<br /><br />I had first heard about “hypnosis as a therapy” from a couple of "now ex-smokers" who claimed they did one session of hypnosis and had completely quit smoking after that. One of the people had been smoking for over 20 years, and had never been able to quit, but one session of hypnosis did wonders for him, and he has not had the urge for even a single puff after that.<br /><br />I always wondered how that worked. I mean, what can one session of any kind of therapy do? And what is hypnotherapy anyway? One would imagine that the therapist would hypnotize you. And then what? Do they “make you” do goofy things? So I was always very wary of any such therapy. I mean, I’m wary of regular therapy too! Perhaps that explains why I have never been to a therapist so far.<br /><br />But then Jill mentioned that she was considering hypno-therapy geared towards fertility. And she wrote a <a href="http://talldudeshortchick.blogspot.com/2009/08/hypnotherapy-session-1.html">couple of posts</a> about her experiences with the <a href="http://talldudeshortchick.blogspot.com/2009/09/hypnotherapy-session-2.html">sessions</a> she took. I found myself more than curious. As I read and researched, I realized that this was different. They don’t “hypnotize” you. In fact, your session could be done on the phone! From the comfort of your own home. Thank you Jill for sharing your experience!<br /><br />I knew I needed help – there was no doubt about that. I needed help to sort out my thoughts, and I needed help to be able to decide on my path forward. I decided to try one session of hypnotherapy, because I felt like that would help me on the sub conscious level, and that’s where I needed help. So I set up an appointment.<br /><br />The therapist and I spoke for about an hour. I went over my IF background, and told her that I was having trouble staying positive any more. And that I was letting my negativity take over many aspects of my life. And at the crossroads where we were (ie, “Where do we go from here?”), I wanted to somehow get that positivism back into my thinking. I knew we had some very big decisions in front of us, and I did not want my bad energy affecting my decisions. I wanted us to be able to plan our future with a balanced mind. In short, I wanted a clean slate.<br /><br />The therapist asked questions about our backgrounds, and our families, our religion, our culture etc. She commented that I seemed to be quite “left brained” – and that she got from the fact that I tried to have my life totally planned out and in control. I got my education, got married, got a job, bought a house etc – all left brain activities. She said that trying to have a child is part left brain, part right brain activity. The right brain or the creative side of your brain plays a very important role in TTC, because one has to be able to visualize the child that one is creating. And one should not forget that the child is creating you too – ie, the child is making you a mother. It is a very important transition. She said it seemed like over the years of TTC and IF treatment, I had let the left brain take control – to take TTC as a project and get the treatment done, one after the other, one step after the other. She was going to try and “wake up” my right brain, so that there could be balance on both sides. <div><br /></div><div>She said it was natural for someone going through repeated treatment cycles to let go of the harmony of the body, mind and spirit. And it is very important to have the body, mind and spirit work in harmony. <br /><br />She also said that I needed to thank my uterus / ovaries for all the stuff I had put them through – all the IVFs, the D&Cs, the surgeries etc. And it struck me that I had spent the entire last year “not trusting” my uterus. Quite contrary to what she was saying. She asked me what I thought my uterus would say to me if I were to “meet my uterus for coffee”. My first reaction was “I think my uterus would take out a gun and shoot me in the face for putting it through everything I have”.<br /><br />I told her I was at the junction where we have to decide what to do next, and no option seems easy. She said that she obviously could not make my decisions for me, but she would try and help me clean my slate enough so I could make my decisions myself, sensibly.<br /><br />I asked her if I appeared like too much of a gone case, or if there was any hope for me. She said I was exactly where I was supposed to be, given everything I had gone through. She then sent me an audio file that I have been listening to. She said that I should not feel pressure to have a particular kind of reaction to the audio file. If I “fell asleep”, it was ok. If my brain felt alert, it was ok. Basically, whatever reaction I have, is the reaction I am supposed to have. No rights and wrongs. I would gain from the recording any which way.<br /><br />And I do believe it is working. More than anything, I am determined to make it work, because I know I need it to work. I need a clean slate to be able to move on. My slate is not sparkly clean yet, but I believe it’s getting its first erasing.<br /><br />If anyone is interested, you can check out the hypnotherapist’s website <a href="http://www.hypnofertility.com/">here</a>. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have done one session so far, and I'm not sure if I will do another one, or more. I'm enjoying the calm place I'm in, and I hope it lasts. <br /><br /></div>Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-54924779015613003162009-09-30T15:28:00.000-07:002009-09-30T15:34:03.253-07:00AcceptanceThe fifth stage of grief. I think I’m there. I truly believe that I am finally at the stage of acceptance. I’m not fighting fate anymore and I’m not feeling angry or upset at my situation. I have a strange calm and sense of peace. I’m beginning to accept that this IS my life, and I can’t change it, no matter what. It is what it is. It has taken me many many years of heartache, many lost relationships, too much negativity and bitterness to reach here. I don’t know what comes after acceptance, but I guess we will find that out. <br /><br />I have been quiet for a few weeks in the blog world. Things have been going on in the real world, and some of those things have helped bring me to that calm place I’m in currently.<br /><br />1) DH saw my last blog post, and realized how badly I was doing, and how much I needed him to step up and be there for me. And step up he did. He surprised me one day with a folder full of notes and comments from the calls he had been making to adoption agencies. It was so heartwarming to see that he was taking charge and doing the research. He brought me up to speed on his research, and we attended a couple of orientations too. <br /><br />I have definitely had my doubts about adoption, and I’m sometimes not sure if I’m ready to move ahead with it, but I’m definitely in a much better place mentally about the process than I was even a few weeks ago. And in getting all the information through the research that DH has been doing, I am finding myself opening up to the idea even more. <br /><br />I will write a complete post about my feelings, my doubts and how I’m trying to process them.<br /><br />2) DH and I had some very deep discussions – amidst lots of tears and bared feelings about our opinions on adoption, and where our doubts were stemming from (this too requires a separate post), and we had some pretty intense revelations about each other and about us as a team. Just by talking to each other. <br /><br />3) <a href="http://talldudeshortchick.blogspot.com/">Jill </a>wrote a couple of posts about the hypnotherapy sessions she went through, and her experience really intrigued me. Many of you have suggested that I see a therapist, or get onto medication. Somehow that didn’t seem to be the option of choice to me. When I read about hypnotherapy, it made sense. So I decided to take a session for myself. It’s been about a week now since my session, and I have to admit, I really think it is working. The objective we had set for my session was to “clean my slate”. I told the hypnotherapist that I had a lot of negativity and bitterness set in my mind and sub conscience, and I was beginning to have a very negative energy around any step I took. For example, for my last FET, for the most part, my attitude was “It’s not going to work anyway, let’s just get it over with”. I had stopped envisioning babies in our house. I had stopped even wanting to parent. And I knew I needed help. The hypnotherapist is located in CO, so our session was on the phone, and she then sent me an audio file that I have been listening to. It has been only a week, but I know it’s helping, because I have been feeling so calm since then. (This TOO requires a separate post!) <br /><br />In my last post I was talking about options, and trying to decide which path to walk down. I think we sort of know now. We will sign up with an adoption agency (we’re not fully there yet, but are working towards it). Depending on how things go – we will figure out next year if we want to proceed with surrogacy or do one attempt at a fresh IVF here locally, or if we want to try one last FET with our remaining blastocysts. We will leave that decision to next year. I’m trying to give up on my need to have the next 10 years planned out inside my head. I’m trying to be in the moment and take it from there.<br /><br />So far, so good. I hope I am able to continue feeling peaceful, because this sure feels nice. I was getting sick of being who I was becoming. This is a very concentrated effort to regain my life and enjoy living.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-32998791377909600312009-09-07T19:14:00.000-07:002009-09-07T19:20:34.601-07:00You can run, but you can never hideIt’s been a long time since my last post. I’ve been in a fuddled, confused state of mind, not feeling very communicative, not having much clarity of thought and word. Broken, tired and hopeless. <br /><br />You can run but you can never hide from the reality of your life, can you? It always comes back to bite you in the rear. And reality could be in any form. You could take a firm decision to enjoy your long weekend and not think about life and IF, and you could get asked the “So when are you having kids” question right in the beginning of the weekend, when you’re happy and just slightly buzzed on nice strong mojitos. Or it could be in the form of the sight of an obviously newborn baby wailing loudly, and being rocked to silence by an obviously inexperienced dad in the park on a sunny afternoon. You walk silently by, and all you can do is reach out for your DH’s hand and squeeze it. <br /><br />It’s been over a month since our BFN and it hasn’t been easy. On the outside, life has gone back to being routine. But the emptiness comes back to haunt us and taunt us every day. I feel disillusioned from most things in life – from my job to household chores to working out to even just relaxing. No fun in anything. <br /><br />I guess my heart and mind needs an anchor or a goal to look forward to, and there is none right now. Of late I have been feeling like a balloon floating away into the sky. No destination, no goal, no plan, no “next steps”. <br /><br />DH is a little bit in the “ostrich mode” – ie, dig your head in the sand and ignore the problem, hopefully it will go away. I realize he is tired of IF, and wants to lead a normal – hormone free, treatment free life for a while. I find myself closing off from him a little bit because I find him avoiding any discussions of next steps. At the same time, I don’t want to push him, because I don’t want him helping me with our next steps out of force from me. I want it to come from him. I don’t know when that will be. <br /><br />And I alone don’t have the motivation to do anything on my own. There’s so much that needs attention, and I’m just not up to giving attention. My list grows daily: <br />1) Find a new job. I took this one because I needed a job at that time. I don’t like it, and clearly I don’t fit into the work environment. But I’m not motivated enough to do anything about it. I’m not even confident enough to do anything about it.<br />2) Get back to working out and living healthy. Obviously I need to. I need to be able to fit into my regular clothes. One can wear tents only for that long! But do I have the motivation to go to a gym? No points for guessing the answer to that one.<br />3) Get the house in order. I’m not even motivated enough to cook food any more. I’m happy canned soup and bread. The house needs cleaning and care. I’m not giving it any attention. <br />4) Feel worthy again. I don’t even know where to begin on this one. <br /><br />I’m trying to figure out what to do next with my life, as far as IF is concerned. And I need your inputs. I know some of you have been in the situation I am in, and I’m hoping someone can give me some advice / suggestions on how to navigate the maze inside my head. But PLEASE don’t tell me to “just adopt” or something like that. There’s no “just” anymore – it doesn’t work that way. <br /><br />I’m also listing my options down, because, who knows – just writing them out could bring me the clarity that I need. <br /><br />So here are my options, and my thoughts / analysis: <br /><br />I have 2 remaining frozen blasts. Not the best quality, but still, at least they’re there. And they are normal after PGD. <br /><br />Option 1: Prep for FET again, and attempt another transfer? <br />Analysis/ Thoughts: I don’t trust my uterus. And I don’t feel confident to try another FET right now. I don’t know if I may feel differently after some time has elapsed. But for now, I feel “safer” knowing the blastocysts are frozen. <br /><br />Option 2: Use a surrogate?<br />Analysis / Thoughts: We can’t afford a gestational carrier through an agency. It will take us a long time before we can gather that kind of money. Also, I’m scared because surrogacy is not guaranteed either. What if the surrogate gets a BFN or has a miscarriage or something? Would we be able to deal with that? <br />But on this topic, I do have some “hope”. I have a cousin who has offered to carry a baby for us. We are not jumping at the offer just yet, because I feel like she is offering herself to me out of extreme emotion. And while this decision is emotional, it also has to be thought through practically. For one, my cousin doesn’t even live in the same country as I do. She has two young children. And a job. And a life. There’s a lot to consider. But it does give me some hope to know that she has offered, and when the time is right, it will be a matter of working things out on the logistics front. This is an option that I don’t want to exercise any time soon. I guess because this is the only option right now that has any “hope” – and I want to have hope for as long as I can. <br /><br />Option 3: Adopt? <br />Analysis / Thoughts: We started exploring the idea, and started talking to agencies, until DH decided he didn’t want to proceed just yet. Our finances need to be in order first, according to him. And while we get them in order, even researching adoption is not an option for him. I don’t agree with him on this, but I don’t want to take on the research on adoption on my own. For 2 reasons – 1) He obviously needs to be part of it, and if he’s not part of it, there’s no point me researching it at all. 2) I want him to take the lead on this research. I’m tired, and bitter, and seeing negative in everything I do. I need him to hold my hand and lead me forward. So I’m stuck on this one. <br /><br />Option 4: Do another fresh IVF?<br />Analysis / Thoughts: We had decided that the CCRM IVF would be our last one. But now that we’re done with that, I find myself wondering if I should go back to my regular RE here who did get me BFPs 3 times, one for each IVF I did with him. I wonder if I should just rest my body a bit and try one more time locally here. I don’t have an answer to this one. Of course it would be out of pocket, and there’s the money situation again! <br /><br />Option 5: Live Child “free”? <br />Analysis/ Thoughts: I have found myself questioning my intent several times recently. There was a time when I would see DH with friends’ babies, and my eyes would tear up thinking what a great dad he would make, and wishing I could have given him a baby. Of late, I see DH with friends’ kids, and I ask myself “Do I see him doing this on a sustained basis”? And the answer is always “No”. Perhaps it’s self - preservation, that I’ve been protecting my heart for so long that now it believes I don’t want a baby any more. Or perhaps it’s something deeper than that. So I ended up asking DH what he thought. My question was “Do we even want to parent anymore?” <br />At first his answer resonated with my doubts. He said he wasn’t sure. He said he had been thinking the same thing, and he too could no longer see himself running after kids. <br />Two days later we talked about it again. And we realized that we should parent. If we already feel like there’s no value in our lives today, how would we cope for the rest of our lives? How will I cope when my brother and his wife get pregnant, or when my sister gets pregnant? It’s one thing to cope with friends’ announcements, and a totally different thing to cope with your siblings’ announcements. So this option is almost wiped out. But I leave it on the slate because doubt comes back to me every now and then. <br /><br />So there you have it – the whole 9 yards. Sorry the post is so long, and if you have come so far down the post to read till here, Thank You! <br /><br />What would you do?Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-26328195826695656852009-08-14T18:42:00.000-07:002009-08-14T18:47:47.063-07:00Trying to conceive made me infertile.<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">So what went wrong? How did we get to come back empty handed (or empty wombed) from the Mecca of Infertility? </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">At first we were in the dreaded “undiagnosed” category. All my tests always came back normal, as did DH’s. The only thing the RE’s ever had as an excuse was my irregular cycles. In my opinion irregular cycles are the easiest treated diagnosis of IF. I know girls who go months without AF, but when they started TTC, one or two rounds of clomid was all that was needed.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">After years of being undiagnosed, and uncategorized, we discovered DH’s Balanced Translocation. I don’t know if we were more alarmed at the discovery, or more relieved that we had finally found something! I kept asking the doctors to give me a reason why my treatment didn’t ever work. I have a scientific, logical mind. I can only buy the “bad luck” answer for that much. Not longer than that. Give me a reason, and maybe I can put closure to the questions in my head.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">With PGD tested embryos, we figured there was nothing that could stop us from bringing baby home. How wrong we were.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">In 2007, when I first got pregnant after IVF#2, I was on baby aspirin for the first few weeks. At about 8 weeks I had an episode of bleeding – major bleeding. Convinced that we had lost the baby, we rushed sobbing to the RE’s office. He checked, and showed us that the baby was doing fine. He showed us the spot in my uterus from where the blood was coming, and he said “Maybe you can stop the baby aspirin now – your blood may be getting too thin”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I stopped the baby aspirin that day, and that was the day the baby’s heartbeat stopped (approximately, because when the missed m/c was discovered 10 days later, the baby had not grown much in size from that emergency u/s day) </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I had a D&C, and the RE ordered a repeat loss panel for me (though it was my first loss – he wanted to make sure we didn’t miss anything) </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Then we discovered MTHFR (I call it the mother fucker gene). I should never have stopped that aspirin. And I will never understand why doctors don’t check all this before an IVF procedure! Why can’t these tests be done as part of our pre IVF work up??</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The next IVF resulted in a biochemical pg, and the one following that resulted in an ectopic that they could never find. I had another D&C then. And methotrexate to kill the poor embryo that was growing somewhere where it shouldn’t have. We still don’t know where it was. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Then we went to CCRM for our last and final cycle. During the one day work up, Dr Schoolie said he thought my uterine cavity was tiny, and could be the reason why I was not being able to stay pregnant. He did a surgery on me to fix the shape and grow the size of the cavity. So, in the course of 12 months, I had had 2 D&Cs and one uterus surgery.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The result? Poor uterine lining. Dr Schoolie thinks it’s the D&C’s that “damaged” my lining. I don’t know how he can be sure the surgery did not contribute to the damage. It’s the same process right? Scraping the insides of the uterus?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Last week, after my BFN, right after the nurse from CCRM called with the news, Dr. Schoolie called to say he was “shocked the cycle didn’t work”. Yes, we were shocked too – I was getting BFPs locally, and I got nothing at CCRM!! He also said that given the fact that I have never carried a pregnancy to term before, and the fact that my lining does seem badly “damaged by the D&C’s”, it may make sense to look at surrogacy for the remaining 2 blastocysts we have. He did mention that if I wanted, we could try to prep my lining again. I told him I did not trust my uterus. He then said, “In which case, honestly, you should consider using a gestational carrier”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So from being “undiagnosed” to becoming someone that probably can never carry a pregnancy to term, what a downhill slide huh?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Bottom line – our struggles with TTC and with IF ended up making me even more infertile. Now I am definitely barren. Before this, I could dream and carry a hope in my heart that it will work - someday, somehow. Now I <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">know</span> it won’t.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">Trying to conceive made me infertile.</span> Perhaps I just should not have tried so hard?</p><!--EndFragment-->Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-5425853648608012962009-08-05T19:21:00.000-07:002009-08-05T19:32:59.838-07:00My body killed my blastocysts<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">That’s right, folks. BFN. Big fucking negative. 2 great quality 4AA grade blastocysts killed mercilessly by my barren empty womb. I’m that woman that contributes to the BFN parts of clinics’ statistics, so that the stats average out.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">What the hell am I talking about? It’s about time I came out and told you what I’ve been up to in the last couple of months.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I’m sure some of you may have wondered why my blog was so disjointed recently. When Nikki has 4 blasts on ice, why is she going all over the place, exploring adoption, and then seemingly not even exploring adoption any more, writing infrequently, and writing irrelevantly?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Very simple explanation. No, I wasn’t nuts. I knew we had those 4 blasts, and after we called off our FET in March, DH and I had decided to take a little break, and then prep my stubborn lining again. I just didn’t want to write about it on my blog, because I was feeling a lot of “performance anxiety”. I told some of you individually, but didn’t want to blog about it till it was done. It was, after all, our last hurrah.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">With Aunt F in May, we decided it was time. We got all set up, and I got on BCPs. Started Lupron on June 3, and went for my first lining check on 7/1. FET was scheduled for 7/7. Of course my lining was too thin. FET got pushed out to 7/16. Lining check got repeated on 7/10. Still too thin. FET got pushed out to 7/24, and then I realized Dr. Schoolie would not be there for my FET on 7/24. I requested for a date when he would be there, because after all this, I wanted him to do the honors. Specially since he had done surgery on my uterus, and “knew” my uterus well. So we got rescheduled yet again to 7/27. Lining check was on 7/21, and my measly pathetic lining measured at 7 mm “from the most flattering angle” – according to the local RE here.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">We flew out to Denver, and brought home 2 of the best quality blasts we could. They thawed 2 blasts, and both thawed beautifully. 100% cells survived, one was hatching, and the other almost hatching. Beautiful. According to the embryologist “you couldn’t even tell the blastocysts had ever been frozen”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Of course I needed additional help – hormonal help. My protocol had been very aggressive from the beginning, but by the end of it, I was on this:</p> <p class="MsoNormal">2 Estrace suppositories daily</p> <p class="MsoNormal">2 Delestrogen injections weekly</p> <p class="MsoNormal">2 Estrogen patches every other day</p> <p class="MsoNormal">3 Endometrin suppositories daily</p> <p class="MsoNormal">1 PIO shot daily</p> <p class="MsoNormal">1 Prenatal daily</p> <p class="MsoNormal">2 Folgard tablets daily</p> <p class="MsoNormal">1 Baby Aspirin daily</p> <p class="MsoNormal">1 Blood Pressure medication daily</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Fast forward to 8 days later – yesterday. I POASed. BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE! </p> <p class="MsoNormal">9 DPFET – Today – Beta test – BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE! </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Why? What have I done to deserve this? Why can my fate not turn around, for once? How much more do we have to go through? I have quietly ploughed on for more than 8 years. My TTC resume now reads:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">8 + years TTC #1</p> <p class="MsoNormal">6 clomid cycles – BFN</p> <p class="MsoNormal">5 IUIs – BFN</p> <p class="MsoNormal">5 IVFs –<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>1<sup>st</sup> BFN, 2<sup>nd</sup><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>missed miscarriage, 3<sup>rd</sup> chemical pregnancy, 4<sup>th</sup> ectopic pregnancy, 5<sup>th</sup> (Freeze all FET) BFN.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The last year has included 1 long drawn out IVF cycle – 6 trips to Denver, and $$ that we could not afford to spend, but did, in the hope that it will all be worth it. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">So after countless shots, suppositories, surgeries, treatment cyles, losses, heartache, pain – here I am, as empty wombed as I was when we embarked on this journey.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The prospect of growing old childless is looming large upon us. It's a scary thought. Some of you know how dark and scary that place is. And though I know I will never regret my TTC journey and all the treatment we went through, I know I will always regret not being able to have DH’s and my child. </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">You will probably still wonder – what about the 2 remaining blastocysts? I am NOT trusting them to my killer uterus. I will keep them frozen, or if I find the strength in my heart to go through surrogacy, I will. But I am not putting another embryo into my body. I’m done. I’m so done.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Sometimes you can’t fight fate. Fate is sometimes stronger than we are – we believe that if we try hard enough, we can achieve anything in life. Maybe not. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com48tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-78503482177884915402009-08-01T09:48:00.000-07:002009-08-01T12:14:09.330-07:00In dance steps....<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre; font-family:Arial;font-size:10px;"><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rBlRvrIWC-4&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rBlRvrIWC-4&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object></span><br /><br />DH and I like watching these dance shows. Yeah, we're "those" people!<br /><br />So anyway - the other day, this piece came on. It was a tribute to breast cancer, and was beautifully executed. When the piece got over, I quietly reached out for a tissue to wipe my tears. I had such a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't speak. I turned to look at DH, and I saw him reaching out for a tissue as well. He too had tears in his eyes.<br /><br />When we finally spoke, we realized that we had both seen the piece as being very fitting for a couple fighting IF too. The struggles, the despair, the anger - it all comes out so beautifully! The girl seems to be helpless, turning to the man for support, trusting him, wanting him to make her pain go away. The man tries to lift the girl up out of her (their) sorrows as much as he can. When he is alone, he struggles too, but becomes strong for the girl when he is with her. <div><br /></div><div>There is so much sadness, anger, helplessness in this piece. But at the same time, so much dependency on each other in the piece as well. <br /></div><div><br /></div><div>To me - this is a very true reflection of our life. </div>Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-61189630238298177572009-07-27T16:16:00.000-07:002009-07-27T16:23:13.443-07:00The value of a ladyI recently had a conversation with my manager about *maybe* going to Denver at some point in the future. I wanted him to know, so there was no misunderstanding if and when I did go.<br />The conversation went something like this: (The sequence of sentences may be mixed up a little, because I was too shocked to be able to remember everything, and you’ll see why I was shocked)<br /><br />Me: I wanted to let you know that at some point DH and I will be going to Denver for our “treatment”.<br />Him: What treatment?<br />Me: Our fertility treatment – I had mentioned it to you before, right?<br />Him: What treatment?? OH the pregnancy one?<br />Me: Yes, the pregnancy one (controlled eye roll here)<br />Him: How old are you?<br />Me: I’m 38.<br />Him: You’re 38????<br />Me: Yes<br />(This “You’re 38??” and “Yes” was repeated some 5 times)<br />Him: How long have you been married?<br />Me: 12 years, and we’ve been trying since 2001.<br />Him: <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">You’ve had some abortions right?</span><br />Me: NO I HAVE NOT HAD ANY ABORTIONS! I HAVE HAD MISCARRIAGES OR PREGNANCY LOSSES!<br />Him: It must be very hard.<br />Me: Yes it is.<br />Him: I used to be like Hitler in my house, never cared about anything until my wife had her operation.<br />Me: What operation? You mean she had a C-Section?<br />Him: Yes – they take the baby out, and they ask us to cut the cord. That moment changed me. <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">That’s when I realized the value of a lady.</span><br />Me:……………………….. (Thinking to my self – Oh my word!!! Which means, there is no value in my existence at all!!)<br /><br />I picked my jaw up off the table, muttered something unintelligible and left the room.<br /><br />In retrospect I think there is so much I should have not said, or that I should have cut the conversation short right in the beginning when I got the drift that he wasn't evolved enough in the EQ department. But at that time, I was just so shocked that I ended up sitting there like a sputtering gold fish, enduring this!<br /><br /><br />Oh BOY!!! What would you do if anyone spoke like this to you?Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-42462147482931359452009-07-17T15:59:00.000-07:002009-07-17T16:22:44.518-07:00More than the inability to have a childInfertility gets defined as the inability to get pregnant after trying for 1 year (or 6 months depending on your age), or the inability to carry a pregnancy. That’s the technical description, and what is apparent and visible to the outsider.<br /><br />But to the couple dealing with IF? It pervades every aspect of life. At least for DH and me, that is the case. It impacts relationships, confidence, career, finances, body image – just about everything!<br /><br />I look back over the years, and there’s so much that has changed, so much we have lost…all because of infertility. This is what my infertility has done to me….<br /><br /><ul><li>Relationships – Let’s see. How many relationships have changed, and how they have changed!! The most important one – DH and my relationship. On the one hand, it has matured and grown deeper, to a level where we really really “get” each other. We’ve both become protective of each other, and will unconditionally put the other in front of anything else in life. However at the same time, our relationship has suffered – deeply so. The spontaneity has left the relationship. Much of the laughter has left. Much of the intimacy has left. In its wake – there’s a lack of self confidence, and poor body image. </li></ul><ul><li>Relationships with our families have changed. Our families love us, and hurt because we hurt, but nobody gets what we are going through. And I can’t blame them – only when you’ve walked in our shoes will you know how badly they pinch. There are times that I want to talk to my parents, and tell them how I feel inside, but something holds me back. I end up projecting my same old “I’m brave, I’m fine, my life is good” face to even them. At the same time, I can’t help but feel “guilty” that they don’t have grandchildren or nieces / nephews! </li></ul><ul><li>Relationships with friends - if any still remain! Most of our “friends” have fallen off our radar. They don’t know what to say to us anymore, or they end up saying or doing things that hurt, causing us to retreat further into our shells, in some cases, far away enough into our shells to never come back. The ones that are still around are constantly treading on eggshells around us. Social isolation - yes, that's us. I got tired of putting on a happy face for everyone, and I got tired of expecting people to understand. I gave up.<br /></li></ul><ul><li>My career – What’s the point of having worked so hard at getting at an MBA degree when my life was going to become all about my IF? Any time that I have a choice to make, I have chosen to overlook my career. I’ve taken “lesser” jobs, I’ve given priority to my doctors’ appointments and treatment schedules, and needless to say, I’m nowhere close to my classmates in terms of achievements professionally. It hurts to see people be able to focus on their careers and rise, while everything else in their life happens smoothly. For the general subsection of my friend circle / classmates, children have been born and are growing up without even a tiny bump on the road. Part of it were choices I made, and part were situations I had to deal with. </li></ul><ul><li>My confidence levels. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I have ended up feeling inadequate as a woman. As a wife, daughter, daughter in law. Reproduction is known to be one of the things that drives all creatures to even exist. And I feel like I have failed at the reason to exist. How then can I even dream of ever feeling confident again? Do I spend the rest of my life in isolation? To add to the feelings of inadequacy, there are the feelings of ugliness and unattractiveness. All the extra weight - the tight clothes, the pants that don't fit, the old pictures that mock me with my own skinny face smiling back at me! </li></ul><ul><li>Hope and the ability to look forward and dare to dream. I can't any more. IF has taken it all away from me.<br /></li></ul>I don't know if I have taken IF particularly badly, or if I don't know how to deal, or if I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is, but IF has changed who I was, and made me into this person I do not like. I don't know if I have allowed IF to take away more from me that I should have, but I do know that it sucks to be an infertile person living in such an uber fertile world.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com30tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-27559430917456458642009-07-12T23:03:00.000-07:002009-07-12T23:04:11.687-07:00It's been a while....I'm here. Alive and well. I've just been very quiet lately. There's been a lot going on in my life - but no, I did not have a miracle BFP, and I am not pregnant and therefore in hiding. (Sadly - I'm not one of those girls that everyone knows - you know the one people talk about "I know this girl, she tried for 8 years, had 3 losses, went through 5 IVFs, and just when she had given up, BAM, she was pregnant on her own!")<br /><br />My life is average. <br /><br />Remember my uncle in the east coast? The one I went to meet? He had been so sick for so many years, with each episode adding on to the previous one. The final event in March this year when his lungs collapsed was like the last straw on his back. He was on ventilator, and being fed through a tube, and with no hopes being given by any doctor that he would ever recover from it. It was really sad - his brain was alert and active, but his body would not cooperate. His muscles had atrophied over the years and he had been on a wheelchair for a few years. He wasn't able to do anything for himself anymore, and it was not getting better. He decided he had had enough. He requested the doctors to pull the plug a couple of weeks ago. They took him through several psychological and medical evaluations and then decided he was sane enough to be making the call he was. <br /><br />My parents came from India, and were with my uncle when the ventilator was removed. The doctors had said it would take 2 - 3 hours after the ventilator was removed for his oxygen levels to be too low for him to survive. <br /><br />But no - 3 hours went by, 5 hours went by, 12 hours went by and he was doing ok. We were all confused. Were we witnessing a medical miracle? The doctors were shocked, and they said they didn't know what to say any more. Finally it was 3 days after the ventilator was turned off that my uncle passed on. His family, my parents, my DH, and a couple more relatives were with my uncle in his final moments. <br /><br />It's been a couple of weeks now. My parents are back in CA with us - they will stay for a little more time before they head back to India. <br /><br />I've been busy trying to soak up every moment with my parents while they are here, and therefore have been inactive on the blogs. I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting much on your blogs, and I haven't been writing at all. I do try and read most of your posts, but sometimes am not able to sit and comment back. I will be back to being more regular soon, I promise!Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-58453394882149817512009-06-15T22:40:00.000-07:002009-06-15T23:02:17.486-07:00A year since Father's Day 2008It's been a year since I saw double lines on a pee stick. Last year, June 15, the day before my beta - I POASed, and had fantastic dark double lines. <br /><br />It also happened to be Father's Day, and for once, the day meant more than just calling and wishing our dads in India. We went out to lunch, smiling ear to ear, barely able to contain our little secret. Only, our little secret was growing in a place it shouldn't have been. We didn't know that. Over the next few weeks, life went upside down - yet again.......<br /><br />I still have those pee sticks. I can't bear to throw them away. What if I never see double on a pee stick again? What if Father's Day and Mother's Day will always just remain days when we are children wishing our parents? <br /><br />From then till now - we have not been able to complete our next and our last and final IVF cycle. It's been the longest cycle ever! I somehow feel more confident and comfortable thinking my blasts are lying frozen, than I would if I were in my 2ww!! Frozen blasts symbolize hope. Man, I sound so pathetic now, don't I?Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-33400695908541209292009-06-07T12:55:00.000-07:002009-06-07T12:59:17.598-07:00How do you know when it’s over?Many a blog post has been written about this question. How do you know when it’s time to stop trying? How do you know when to pull the plug on treatment? How do you know when it’s over? <br /><br />The answer more or less is unanimous: You just know. <br /><br />Like I know now. I think it’s over for us. I have finally accepted that you really can’t fight nature beyond a point. I’m spent, tired and helpless. Yes I’ve got 4 blastocysts on ice, but for the first time in my IF journey, I don’t feel like I have any hope left. And I know I’ve been repeating this over and over again, but what can I do? It is what it is. I am feeling entirely dismal and hopeless. <br /><br />So in an effort to try and focus on having a family instead of focusing on trying to get pregnant, we decided we should attend a few adoption information sessions. A local support group held the first one we went to. The moderator suggested we start attending information sessions that are held by the various adoption agencies in the area, so that we could gather information, and make our decisions on what route is best for us. So a few days ago, we attended a session by a local agency. <br /><br />While it was very emotional to just be there at these sessions, they were also very informative. Some of you mentioned you’d be interested to know more about what we found out, so I thought I’d list out some of my learning here:<br /><br />1) Adoption is NOT as expensive as I had believed it to be. I was under the impression the whole process could cost us somewhere in the range of $50k. But apparently not. The average cost seems to be more in the range of about $15-$20k. (Big sigh of relief here. While that is still a lot of money, it’s relatively a whole lot easier to manage than $50k) <br />2) The average time for an adoption to be completed is about 16 months. This is for domestic adoptions. Of course things go quicker in some cases, and in some, they don’t. International adoptions could take upwards of 2 years. <br />3) International adoptions are limited to some countries that have been approved by the Hague Treaty. Being of Indian origin, we were pleased to confirm that adoptions from India are allowed under the Hague Treaty. However, we are not US citizens. We are permanent residents, and that could pose a problem in the International Adoption process for us. We still need clarity on this, and are trying to find out more details on whether we would even be allowed to pursue international adoptions. <br />4) On average, children adopted through international adoptions are usually older in age, and most international adoptions are of children between the ages of 1 and 4. Infant adoptions are possible usually only through domestic adoptions. <br />5) The county adoption / foster adoption is the cheapest of all. We have not got a lot of information yet on this, and I am going to try and find out more. <br />6) In domestic adoptions, the trend is moving towards open adoption across the country, where the birth parent(s) are involved in the child’s life in some form or fashion. The moderator described the birth parents as “an additional set of in laws”. This is something I have to get used to. I do understand how an open adoption is good for the child, and how the child would obviously feel more secure with the knowledge of his / her roots and birth parents, and how it would be good emotionally and psychologically for the child. However, I am still trying to make myself accept this mindset and I’m not sure I know how to. I can’t really explain why I’m having trouble accepting this kind of openness. I guess my next point may explain why I’m conflicted. <br />7) The home study process is a 4 step process: 1) The social worker meets both of you together. 2) The social worker meets you alone 3) The social worker meets your DH alone. 4) The social worker comes home to complete the home study. <br /><br />You have to have “dealt with the grief of your infertility” before you jump into the entire process. The home study part itself could be emotionally very challenging, obviously. They will want to know about your childhood, your upbringing, your values, your ideas about parenting, your idea about each other’s roles in parenting, specially in disciplining the child, why you want to adopt, your income, and possibly many more such “interrogatory” questions. And that is where my conflict comes in. We have already been dealt a rough deal in life, and the “surrendering of ourselves” to this kind of exposure / questioning feels unfair to me right now. <br /><br />For so many fertiles, the criteria for qualifying as a parent is oftentimes just a faulty condom, or an extra drink or two, or at most – a playful romp in the bed. Do they ever need to prove that they are capable of bringing up the child they are producing? Obviously not. <br /><br />It bothers me that we would have to go through a validation like this, and then also have to have the birth parents involved in the child’s life. (I’m not judging the process here, and I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. I’m just saying that at this point, this concept is hard for me to process.)<br /><br />Perhaps I’m so torn and conflicted because I’m not done “grieving my infertility”. So it brings me back to the question in the beginning of my post. <br /><br />How do you know when you are done? How do you know when it’s over? How do you know when you are done grieving your infertility? When do you accept the loss of your biological children? Any thoughts?Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-7628517058523052452009-05-30T11:42:00.000-07:002009-05-30T12:21:30.736-07:00Only in my life do these things happen!These things happen only in my life! DH and I have been through the wringer for 8 years with IF. Of late we started talking about exploring options with adoption more seriously, and we were finally beginning to be able to put our arms around the idea of proceeding with adoption. We decided to go attend an informational session on adoption organized by a local support group, and guess what? Just as the meeting started, there was a fire in the building, and we had to evacuate!<br /><br />There was total drama – with firemen, and smoke and ladders and everything! Here are a few pictures that DH took with his phone:<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxNeDj1llYN656_7zAKO4im5NgJZULIO7W1Pe5g8XI0DTxtnDLqcsvrnj2aTuWWHwxefBi2mhH2iAdhkPuZmryt2o_FVDn1O8jZTxYNYM-o2H5fJCVviGgDipHjncGkmemtZSygrfAN1c/s1600-h/SFFire3.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxNeDj1llYN656_7zAKO4im5NgJZULIO7W1Pe5g8XI0DTxtnDLqcsvrnj2aTuWWHwxefBi2mhH2iAdhkPuZmryt2o_FVDn1O8jZTxYNYM-o2H5fJCVviGgDipHjncGkmemtZSygrfAN1c/s400/SFFire3.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341689654974737266" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQzN8uoyjnyfrnzQ_mIjlWrRK21CI-l02ZarM12JnPNECfS6pF0yLM8yq9LXF5ZuVXnPbRrTpfVrbBh1pz9-ttzi4VxACY3Nk3WE_rfUImXT0ElmXmmhMG5BmXLFJ_eLCqTt-aI90shg0/s1600-h/SFFire2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQzN8uoyjnyfrnzQ_mIjlWrRK21CI-l02ZarM12JnPNECfS6pF0yLM8yq9LXF5ZuVXnPbRrTpfVrbBh1pz9-ttzi4VxACY3Nk3WE_rfUImXT0ElmXmmhMG5BmXLFJ_eLCqTt-aI90shg0/s400/SFFire2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341689647334032498" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaPliD6_pfBs1LvNTda9Wo-cV4ArfnNWRvj6TmauFb-xwpwjQmn5I_AufFkNpEoLZzcAeLhgDh8O34p3h7VHvXatebI5SVMqK5pr5aeG-o1KOk7rtR5HwKzElFUxyq4_SbR2nWP3B9IvI/s1600-h/SFFire1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaPliD6_pfBs1LvNTda9Wo-cV4ArfnNWRvj6TmauFb-xwpwjQmn5I_AufFkNpEoLZzcAeLhgDh8O34p3h7VHvXatebI5SVMqK5pr5aeG-o1KOk7rtR5HwKzElFUxyq4_SbR2nWP3B9IvI/s400/SFFire1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5341689644051770434" /></a><br /><br />But even a burning building was not going to stop a group of determined IFers to get the information they wanted. Our group crowded around the moderator on the sidewalk, and asked her to continue talking! (If IF teaches you something, it is resilience! Nothing can deter us much any more.) It wasn’t the best place to be holding an adoption seminar, but there we were, all trying to ask questions, and listen to what the moderator was saying over the noise on the street!<br /><br />We finally ended up walking over to the Hya.tt across the street and sitting on the floor in one of their lesser used hallways to continue our session! <br /><br />The session was very very useful. But at the same time, very emotional. Each time the moderator said “First you have to deal with the grief of your infertility”, I had to wipe tears from my eyes. For the most part of the session I had a lump in my throat that made it hard for me to ask the questions I wanted to. <br /><br />The moderator herself is an adoptive mom, twice over, and has dealt with her share of IF before they adopted. She told us a lot of important things about the process, logistics, and emotions of adopting. DH and I have come back with a ton of information, and a list of things to research on, and make decisions about. She helped dispel some myths and misconceptions that we had about the costs and the process of adoption, and she brought in a lot of clarity for us. <br /><br />We are still not sure if we are jumping into the application and home study process immediately. But we are beginning to think along those lines, and are beginning to agree to find out more. This itself is a huge step forward in the process for us. <br /><br />Adoption is a beautiful thing, obviously, but today, for me, it is a very emotional piece to process. It’s the realization of acceptance, the apparent finality of giving up TTC. Yes, we still have the FET and the 4 embryos, but who are we kidding here? What hasn’t happened so far is very highly unlikely to suddenly turn around and happen now. I’m at the point where I’ve begun to accept the fact that I may never have a pregnant belly. <br /><br />I’ve finally broken my addiction to hope, and it has been rough.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-86888488674627928472009-05-19T16:33:00.000-07:002009-05-19T16:46:31.716-07:00Which of my readers writes daily horoscopes for Yahoo?This is what my daily horoscope at Yahoo said today:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Whether you think that your dreams are messages from your subconscious or not, there is no denying that the visions your mind creates while you're sleeping can give you some insight. So evaluate the strange images that have been invading your snoozing hours. Analyze them long enough, and you'll start to see some patterns emerge -- patterns that you need to change. You are being warned about something, so heed those warnings.</span><br /><br />I can't believe the coincidence that I should have such a random dream, and then this should come up as my daily horoscope!Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-90430135483533492672009-05-17T10:58:00.000-07:002009-05-17T16:00:02.903-07:00I think I need helpI don’t even want to try and interpret this one. I had a dream the other night, and not only was it disturbing, it was downright weird.<br /><br />In my dream, my mom is pregnant. And it’s one of those “oops” pregnancies. My parents are worried about how to break the news to me (much like most of my IRL friends don’t know how to face me once they get pregnant). It’s like I am so incurably infertile that it’s all that my family and friends see about me any more!<br /><br />So anyway, back to my dream. My parents are worried about breaking the news to me, but they finally take me aside and tell me they didn’t know how to tell me, you know, because of how long DH and I have been trying to get pregnant on our own. I don’t say anything to them, and without any real conversation, it becomes understood that I will bring up the baby they have as my own. <br /><br />So flash forward – poor pathetic me is bringing up my own new born baby brother and passing him off as my own child. (Why did my dream select a baby brother over a baby sister? No idea.)<br /><br />How disturbing is that? On so many levels. Right from the fact that they didn’t want to tell me, to the fact of course that my 61 year old post menopausal mother can get pregnant and have a baby and I can’t, to the fact that I’m bringing up my baby brother and pretending he is my baby. Also, my relationship with my parents is very good, so I have no idea why my sub-conscience would come up with something so insane!<br /><br />OK - I think I need help.Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6510189936790160175.post-77128270119056501802009-05-13T19:51:00.000-07:002009-05-13T19:54:36.664-07:00Real life meetingsI feel like a recovering drug addict. In a way I am exactly that, right? I was addicted to hope. I was on major drugs, shooting myself up in the most shameless manner, in some absolutely crazy places, like public restrooms and gas stations!<br /><br />And now, I’m having withdrawal symptoms. Not the usual kinds though. I’m not dying to go back on the drugs. I’m not dying to put my brain back into the fog it has just broken free of. Quite the contrary. In fact, I wonder if I even want to proceed with this FET at all any more.<br /><br />It feels like I have wanted a child, and been denied that for so long, that now I don’t want it any more. It’s like scar tissue in my heart, you know? From the hope that existed there, that has been dashed so often and so badly.<br /><br />It’s been one month since I started my job. It’s been 2 months since I called off my FET. The last two months have felt nice. I’ve enjoyed my wine (OK, not just wine – I’ve enjoyed my cocktails as well ☺ ), I’m enjoying fitting into my regular clothes and not feeling like a bloated, water soaked pin cushion! I feel almost brazen confiding that I have not even taken my pre-natals or folic acid for 2 months. I just don’t feel like taking them any more.<br /><br />DH and I are enjoying leading a normal life, and not being on a drug / patch / injection / suppository / appointment / blood draw schedule for the time being. I’m enjoying laughing again. I mean, not that I wasn’t laughing before, but I was certainly down in the dumps more often than I was laughing.<br /><br />I met a couple of my IF sisters last weekend. Sarang (her blogosphere name) is part of a local IF sisterhood that came together a few months ago. She is dealing from a recent failed IVF cycle, and I am so proud of her for dealing so well. Meeting her on Saturday for breakfast brought out so many emotions that I had shut away for the last 2 months. She was asking me about my next steps and it suddenly made me realize how far I had mentally distanced myself from the thought of starting to prep my uterus lining for FET. It’s like I had this wax coating on my emotions.<br /><br />So while I on one hand I’m enjoying being drug free, on the other hand, I know I need to get moving on with FET / adoption research, or whatever else it is that I need to do. The age time bomb is ticking away! Sarang gave me some ideas about adoption that I am going to research on. I am also planning to attend a session on adoptions, which a local support group is holding soon. Sarang, thank you for being there, and helping me sort out my lost and numbed emotions recently. Thanks for reaching out and doing all that you’re doing!<br /><br />On Saturday evening I met <a href="http://hopeitsnottoolate.blogspot.com/">Darya</a>! It was so nice meeting her! She was in San Francisco for a conference, and I went up there and met her for a drink. It was really nice to hug her in real life – after having sent her many many hugs over the internet over the last year or so that I’ve “known” her. And it was so easy talking to her in real life! Like we’d known each other forever! <div><br /></div><div>I put up a picture on FB, and someone commented “Are you sure you’re not sisters?” I commented back “In some ways, we are sisters”<br /><br />Darya – I wish you many many more conferences in San Francisco! I will come and meet you for a drink after EVERY conference that you attend here – how about that? Thanks for all the support you’ve given me over the last year – it was so nice to meet you!!<br /><br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">ALSO: In case anyone is interested, a friend of a friend has some meds to give away. (I will delete this part of this post in a few days) So if you or anyone you know is interested, and needs the meds, leave me a comment with your email address, and I will send it ahead to my friend. Here are the details:</span><br /><br />Full cycle of menupur (Bravelle brand) that will expire 7/2009.<br />If you know anyone who can use it and their insurance does not pay for it, I am happy to let them have it.<br />They cost about $2K without insurance.<br /></span></span><br /></div>Nikkihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15469466620967385694noreply@blogger.com18