Our roller coaster ride through infertility and more

Unresolved

2010-04-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

Firstly – thank you so much to those of you who thought of me, and thought of me enough to come leave a comment enquiring about my whereabouts. I’m sorry I disappeared off the face of the earth altogether.

I’m sorry for being a bad blogger, and being a bad reader. Sorry to everyone who needed my support and I wasn’t there to offer it. Really, truly sorry about that. No excuse is good enough for not being a good friend, specially in the IF world.

Congrats to the BFPs, new babies, healthy pregnancies, and everyone who is on their way to beating the IF monster in one way or another.

Me – I’m in the “none of the above” category – yet again. It seems to be the story and motto of my life. And this time I have nobody but myself to blame.

The last time I was here on my blog, we had completed our home study, and were about to get started on the outreach part of our adoption process. That was when I just started a new job, which turned out to be way more stressful than I had ever imagined. So our first thought was to wait a couple of months till I feel more settled in my job before we jump into outreach with adoption, because that was going to entail a lot of work on our part as well. We would have to make our booklet, put aside pictures for it, get letters of recommendations from friends (which we had partly done already).

We would also have to write a letter, make 3000 copies of it (yes, 3000 – and that’s not a typo), and mail it out to medical centers, OB-GYNs, Planned Parenthood clinics etc across the country. That’s part of our agency’s outreach program. 3000 copies, 3000 envelopes, 3000 stamps – undefined time, lots of money – in short, a complete 100% commitment from us.

So we decided to take a couple of months before doing this. And during those couple of months, I decided to continue to read about adoption to be more prepared as an adoptive parent.

Only, I didn’t expect my brain to do a total flip on me. It did. The more I read, the more I was convinced I was not ready to adopt. The books talked about issues with open adoptions – the questions kids ask, the grief and loss they feel, the situations that come up, and how over and over again we, as adoptive parents will have to deal with those situations. It just made me panic more and more, making me feel like I was not ready to proceed at all.

And I know one can never be fully aware of all the situations one is going to deal with in life, and I know that everyone’s story turns out to be different, but I also know that I’m tired, and I don’t want to have to deal anymore.

I feel like such an idiot to have been so sure about everything, to have moved ahead with (and completed!!) the home study, and to now realize and confess that perhaps I am not ready to adopt at all. Suddenly the option of living child-free seems more appealing.

I mean, we know how to deal with this – infertility, and life with infertility and being childless. We know how to respond to inquisitive questions – whether they are sensitive or not. Other than IF, life is pretty decent.

What I don’t know is if I am ready for yet another roller coaster. A lifetime of “age appropriate information” to the child, a lifetime of questions, and inquiries and situations.

Adoption can help fill our need to parent, but it will not fill the void infertility has caused, nor will it heal the wounds and gashes that are so deep. And I don’t know if, for fulfilling our parenting need, we are ready to take on so much more at this time.

DH feels I may be right, specially since our adoption would be transracial (and that in itself will cause several more unique situations). He feels like we should really think this through before we take any further steps, and maybe even wait till we are eligible to adopt from India.

So here we are. In my head, living child-free seems like a tempting option. In DH’s head, not so much. He feels we should parent, but he agrees that we should not jump in when we are not totally ready. Therefore, we have put the brakes on the process for now. I don’t know how this will resolve, and like much of our life for the last 9 years, we shall see.

Bossisms!

2010-01-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

So often, what you get out of your job depends on your manager. If you’re lucky to have a good manager, you can concentrate on your work, and life goes on. If you get a moron for a manager, life will chase you down to your workplace and mock at you.

My manager, as we’ve guessed by now, belonged to the latter group. Grade A moron. Right from assuming that I was childless because I chose not to have kids, to assuming that my in-laws probably hate me because I chose not to have kids, to making comments about how it didn’t matter where I live because I don’t have kids, to how he realized the value of a woman only when his wife was in labor during delivery, he demonstrated his clueless-ness over and over again.

I did my bit in keeping him informed about my situation (specially when we were going to Denver for my FET), and then also told him when the cycle didn’t work out (because I was a mess and wanted to leave work after I got the BFN call).

This background will explain why the following incident left me both seething in anger, and shaking my head in disbelief.

This happened maybe 3 weeks after my BFN (so yes, even the timing was absolutely wrong!). He called me to his office and gave me a piece of paper and said “Can you help me write something for this?” I was expecting this to be some sort of a marketing / sales related announcement or something, so I picked up the paper and read it. Before I make any further comments about it – here you go, read it for yourself. The picture is not very clear because I took it from my phone camera and my hands were shaking too badly to get a steady shot!

He wanted me to help him with a letter to his 5 year old daughter’s kindergarten class???

Needless to say my jaw fell to the ground, my hands went cold, and my throat went dry. 10 million thoughts raced through my head at the same time. What kind of idiot does this? This was wrong on so many levels – just so wrong on so many levels!

a) He knew of my situation, and my fresh, recent BFN. How wrong of him to even think of asking me to help with this!
b) Forget the IF, even professionally this was so wrong! I am / was not his secretary! And even if I was his secretary, I am sure it would not be part of my job to write personal notes for him and his kids!

My first thought was to say No. But I was just so stunned that I couldn’t say anything. I stood there and looked at him, and right then, his phone rang. He picked it up, and I walked back to my desk, paper in hand.

I IM’ed my DH and told him what had happened, and what assignment I had been given. He was LIVID! Like, ready to come there and – in DH”s actual words - “kick his a$$” DH told me not to write it, and that starting that day I “should be on sick leave – just imagine you have the flu or something” till I could find another job. It’s sweet to know that my DH totally has my back when in comes to situations like these. Here’s a man who is in touch with the emotions of IF, and is man enough to accept the emotions!

After my heart stopped racing, and my hands stopped shaking, I thought about going back to my manager and explaining why it was inappropriate of him to ask me to write this letter. Then I was like – he’s never going to understand. I mean - he didn’t have enough EQ in the first place, because if he did, he would never have asked! He would never get it. It would just be all the more painful for me to be talking about my IF to such a clueless man.

And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to me that it would be easier for me to just write the note, than to try and explain myself to my manager.

So I did it. I wrote the note. I just made believe that I was writing it to my imaginary kindergartener.

PS: And to complete the story – no, I did not go on sick leave after this incident. I went back to work and carried on with my usual work as always. I waited till the time was right for me to leave, and I left on good terms. He will never know that he subjected DH and me to so much turmoil that day.

PPS: To redeem him a little, he did say this when I resigned earlier this month “I hope 2010 is your year. I hope your adoption match comes through because I can’t see you wanting a baby so bad, and I hope your career takes off the way you want it to” (His language is not as smooth as this, but this is what he meant)

Where am I?

2010-01-12T17:51:00.000-08:00

First of all, I am very sorry for being a terrible blogger, and a worse commenter! I keep thinking of topics to write on my blog, and I keep thinking how much my blogosphere peeps must be missing me (though I’m sure I’m not missed half as much as I would like to believe I am!)

So where have I been? In a variety of different places actually. This post is just a list of updates on various parts of my life in the last few months.

Where am I in life?
In life, in general, I’ve been in a good place. I’m at peace with myself and with what has been and will be. I give huge credit to my hypnotherapy session and tape for helping me come to this calm place in my life. For the most time, I’m at ease with myself and I’ve been a lot calmer recently than I have been for years.

That is FOR THE MOST PART. And then there are sudden incidents, or parts of conversations, or reminders that come up, and bring everything back to the surface again. A commercial or show on TV will bring a sudden lump to the throat. I’ll go to a blog, and read something that will touch my heart. Lastchance posted a video on her blog, and it made me cry. It was the story of my life, only cuter. She and her DH are so adorable! My DH and I would a) never look so cute, and b) never have thought of documenting our IVF journey so well! No regrets wrote about the “Losses of IF” and reading that made everything come back again. But I realize that’s how life is going to be. I think I’m going to be able to move on, by and large, and once in a while, I will HAVE to revisit everything, acknowledge the deep gashes that IF has left on my soul and on my life, and accept that even with the gashes and the scars and wounds, I still have the strength to walk on. I have to have the strength to move on.

Where am I with TTC?
Nowhere, really. Our frozen embryos will remain frozen for now. I know I don’t have it in me to do an FET just yet. Maybe I will at some point. Or maybe we will try having my cousin be a gestational carrier for us (she had offered last year, but I am not counting my eggs before they are hatched (literally!!) )

Where am I on the adoption process?
We’re doing pretty well on adoption actually. We selected the agency we are going with – and we chose the agency that called us about that potential birthmother back in October. We thought they stood out amongst the other agencies because they reached out to us when they had no obligation to. They were very responsive and supportive through our scurried attempts are putting our booklet together, and have been very proactive throughout. So we chose them and began our home study. And we’ve been happy with our decision so far. No regrets.

As of right now, our home study is almost complete. The social worker came home twice. One visit was for him to see the house, and to talk to both of us at the same time. The second visit was for our individual meetings with him. Our finger printing, medical certificates etc have all been done a while ago. We are now ready to pay up for the outreach part and get started! So very soon, it could be any time that we may get matched!

Where am I with my job?
Some of you may remember the crazy stories about my manager. If not, here you go, and here you go again! There have been more stories, including one that made me seethe in anger. But that makes for another post, and I will post about that incident soon. So I decided to find myself another job, and leave as soon as I could.

I also decided that I was no longer going to put my life and career on back burner because “this could be the month”! 2010 is going to be the year where I take control of SOME of the things in my life.

I interviewed at a couple of places, and got offers that I could choose from. I quit my job last week, am taking 2 weeks off, and starting at my new job on 1/25!

So all in all, 2010 so far has been good to us. It’s only been 12 days, so I hope I don’t speak too soon! But I’m determined to live my life the best I can, while I wait for things to fall in place. Because I believe it will happen. Some day, somehow, it will happen.

The year in review

2009-12-28T22:18:00.000-08:00

Dec 31, 2008: We arrived in Denver for IVF #5. CCRM was going to be the answer to our prayers! New Years Eve was spent taking my injection and getting settled into the hotel room which was going to be home for the next several days.

Jan 2009: The first half of the month was spent in CO. I went through my 5th ER – 31 eggs were retrieved! Yes, CCRM did seem to be the answer to our prayers! The rest of the month was spent in waiting for fert reports, growth reports, PGD reports (we did a freeze all cycle). We have 4 PGD normal embryos!

Feb 2009: I started prepping my lining for FET. My lining didn’t seem to be growing very well. Almost the entire month was a whirl of lupron, estrogen patches, delestrogen injections and ultrasounds.

March 2009: I was still on Lupron! It had been almost 7 weeks on Lupron and I was going insane. My lining was not growing, and nothing seemed to budge it. I tried acupuncture, “bone soup”, hot foods, delestrogen, estrogen patches, estrace suppositories and everything else I could think of. But no luck. I called off the cycle and decided to take a break.

April 2009: I was on a break, and we were in need of a salary coming into the house. I started looking for a job, found one and started working. My uncle (mom’s brother) in Nashua was very sick and I spent a week there with him and his family. It didn’t look good, and he didn’t look like he would make it much longer.

May 2009: When AF came, we decided to get back on to the FET bandwagon. I started Lupron and all of the same insanity again.

June 2009: My parents came from India – to be with my uncle and help him and his family out. Uncle was deteriorating. In the meantime, my lining was doing the same “no growth” pattern as before. I was now on heavy doses of delestrogen and patches and suppositories. My FET date kept getting pushed out because my lining wasn’t good enough. At the end of the month, my uncle passed away.

July 2009: Most of the month was still spent on Lupron and estrogen. By the time it came to FET at the end of the month, I had been on Lupron for about 8 weeks! Crazy? Yes, absolutely! My lining barely made it to the minimum required level, and we decided to proceed with transfer. We transferred two beautiful looking grade AA blastocysts.

August 2009: BFN. Not much to note for the rest of the month. How many people do you know who are childless even after 5 IVFs? Besides me, I can count maybe 2-3 others. Not a whole lot. It’s a sad, sparsely populated club to be in.

September 2009, October 2009, November 2009: Honestly, it’s all a blur. I can’t remember much of what happened in these three months. Somewhere along the line, we started talking seriously about domestic adoption. DH is the project leader for our adoption program. He did all the research and we finalized on the agency we want to go with. We also got a potential birth mom situation that made us so excited.

December 2009: Here we are, at the end of a year that I hoped would bring us the answers we needed. CCRM did not turn out to be the answer to our prayers. We are on the brink of 2010, and we are still looking for answers. We still have 2 frozen blastocysts but we are out of steam. I also am not sure my lining will cooperate any time soon. Most importantly, I am not ready to stick another needle into me – not for the foreseeable future. We have filled out our application forms for domestic adoption and have sent them in. We are waiting for our home study to get done. We are trying to be hopeful for 2010, but have been let down and disappointed too many times before to put much hope into our hearts. We are more realistic now, more cautious with the dreams in our minds. My motto is: Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Who knows, life may pan out somewhere in between.

It was good while it lasted

2009-12-06T20:07:00.000-08:00

Nobody said the adoption process was going to be smooth sailing, but after 8 years on a stomach churning, vomit inducing roller coaster ride called infertility, I was secretly hoping we’d get a break and the universe would put us into the “preferential treatment” category. A girl can dream, can’t she?

It all started 2 months ago. When I wrote this post, we were close to finalizing which agency we would go with, and we were close to initiating the entire paperwork. We wrapped our minds around bringing home a baby of a different race, and started visualizing in our minds a baby in our arms, a baby that we would love unconditionally – our baby.

And then we got a call – from the same agency that we were finalizing to sign up with. Hold your breath – they told us they had been contacted by a social worker in Nevada, who had been contacted by an Indian family. There was a young girl in this family who was pregnant, and they were considering placing this baby up for adoption.

As you can imagine, our world did an instant flip flop! The agency said they remembered us from our conversation with them, and since it was rare for them to come across an Indian baby up for adoption, they thought of asking us if we would be interested.

IF we would be interested??? Of course we would be interested!!

Mind you, we weren’t even signed up with the agency yet, so they really had no obligation to bring us this potential match! So in our naïve minds, we started believing this was meant to be! This was the universe’s way of cutting us a break, and making something easy for us. We couldn’t stop smiling!

The agency gave us less than 2 days to prepare our “Dear Birthmother” letter and our profile booklet. We worked like insane people on a mission! Writing, selecting pictures, creating the profile, printing, binding, rushing to the agency etc.

And then the wait started. I literally had my phone attached to me like an additional appendage all the time. How cool was this! Unlike other couples who usually don’t get the chance to “customize” their profiles and letters to the birthmom’s situation, we had been so lucky to have some information about the birthmom. We knew she was Punjabi (ie, from around the part of India my family is from), so our pictures depicted our Indian roots more than we would have initially imagined. Our letter was written in English, and I also wrote out a copy in Indian! Our profile literally was screaming: “Pick Me! Pick Me!”

We were so sure this was going to work! I mean, how couldn’t it? There had to be karma involved in this, right?

One week went past. No phone call. Two weeks went past. No phone call. We followed up with the agency. They had not heard either, and they promised to follow up with the social worker. They came back saying the social worker had not heard anything either.

One month went past. No phone call. Now it’s almost 2 months. I’m not carrying my phone like it’s my lifeline anymore. The agency never heard anything back. They feel no news means it didn’t work out. And I’ve stopped hoping too. Yes, there is that tiny little sliver of chance that MAYBE, just maybe, it will still happen, and that the birth mom and her family (her dad was the one driving the entire conversation with the agency in the beginning) may still call us. But then there is the very real and probably more likely possibility that we will never hear from them.

We don’t know if they didn’t pick us, and picked someone else from another agency, or if someone within their family / friend circle offered to take care of the baby or if they decided not to put the baby up for adoption after all. Who knows what their reality and situation is at this point.

But it was good while it lasted. The shine and sparkle in our eyes was worth it! We allowed ourselves to hope so much about this working out that we actually had conversations revolving around me taking time off from work, and us having to figure out day-care etc.! Pre-mature yes, but it was a huge first for us.

We had never before come within touching and feeling distance of a baby like this! This birth mother is due on Jan 27! If this match had worked out, we really would have had to have all those conversations and decisions in place by now!

But I guess it’s not so simple in my life. The universe and karma and fate and whoever else is not cutting me any slack. The adoption ride may turn out to be as crazy a roller coaster as our IF treatment ride. Hop on and hang tight!

Angelversary

2009-11-28T13:17:00.000-08:00

It’s been 2 years since that fateful appointment with my RE. I can remember every minute of that appointment like it happened just yesterday. Him smiling when he came into the room, telling us that was our last appointment with him, asking us if we had made an appointment with a perinatologist for subsequent visits.

And then the ultrasound when our world came tumbling down.

The RE’s shaking hands as he tried desperately to find that heartbeat, to dismiss his suspicions. His voice, higher pitched than usual, saying “There is no heartbeat”.

Numbed silence from DH and me. No tears, no words, no nothing. What could we say? Then the whole whirl of things – someone saying “Let’s schedule the D&C”, someone coming and hugging me, saying “I’m so sorry”. DH and me looking at each other, holding hands, still numbed and silenced by the events.

Two years to the day.

They say time is the best healer. I think time just dulls the pain. The actual pain remains forever. The loss remains forever. All time does is make memories dull and faint. I can feel the choking lump in my throat as I type this right now. The pain is still there, right at the surface.

If anything is fading, it’s my memories of how it felt to be pregnant. That was the only pregnancy I felt anything. Not being able to sleep on my tummy as I usually do, because my breasts hurt so much. Not be able to stay awake past 8 PM because I was just SO exhausted. Wanting to eat meat that was cooked with a lot of spice. I am not a beef eater – I didn’t even know how it tastes, but I swear, watching those steakhouse commercials on TV at that time would make me want to go eat steak right then!

But those memories are fading away. Every week, every month, every year, I am further away from the time I was pregnant.

I’ve been working very hard at accepting the cards that have been dealt out to me. I got tired of being angry at the universe. But then it’s days like today when the floodgates open, and everything comes pouring back in. Why us? What did we do wrong? Our baby would have been almost a year and a half old today. We should have had a home full of toys, and baby clothes and diapers and formula, and baby food. Instead, it’s just us, 2 more years older, no closer to having a family now than we were then!

On this day last year, as I wrote a blog entry, I was getting ready for my CCRM IVF. I still had hope. If my uterus was the problem, we had "fixed" it. If DH's translocation was the problem, we were doing genetic testing anyway. The cycle at CCRM HAD to work. Well, it didn't. We all know how that IVF cycle turned out.

Today, I feel miserable. Simply miserable. We did all we could, because we had the ability to hope, and we had the stamina to keep trying. We lost.

Somewhere in the universe…..

2009-11-16T07:38:00.000-08:00

November is Adoption Awareness Month, and so far, the month has been just that for us. More and more awareness about adoption.

We started the month by kicking off some of the steps for home study. We got our fingerprinting done first, because fingerprinting results take up to 3-4 weeks to come back. (Of course my finger printing wasn’t without drama! We discovered that my little pinky fingers don’t “print” very well. I have faint lines on my palms anyway, and the little pinkies are practically “smooth”. The fingerprint technician was making jokes with me, saying “If you ever turn to a life of crime, use your pinky fingers, so you don’t leave fingerprints! She then started referring to me as the “Pinky Finger Bank Robber”! Ha! Can you imagine that? I on the other hand couldn’t help but wonder if my fingerprints are getting eroded and my fingertips are now smooth because of all the “drumming my fingers” I have done in the last 8 years! So much of infertility and treatments involved waiting, doesn’t it? Hence the finger drumming…. get it? Get it?)

Then we got our medicals done. And as always, not without drama. No sir, in my life, nothing is without drama! DH went to his doctor, got a physical exam, got some blood work done, and was on his way. For me, drama.

As part of my physical, my Dr. ordered some blood work and X-ray. I went to get my X-Ray done, and after I was changed into the paper gown, the lab tech asks me “So I think I asked you this already, and you told me you are not pregnant, right?” No, lady, you did not ask me, and yes, while I am not pregnant, it shouldn’t be SO obvious, should it? I should at least be asked!!

Then I went to get the rest of my blood work done. I filled out my name and DOB on the check in form, and I get called up immediately.

Nurse: “Is this for your son?”
Me: …………………………… “No” (Couldn’t for the life of me figure out why she would assume that, till she pointed out that I had put 2009 in the “year” on the DOB part of the form!! D’oh! Why me?)

I finally get called in, and the phlebotomist puts on her glove and looks for my vein. She finds the vein, looks up at me, and says: “Looks like you’ve been poked a lot”. I said yes, and asked her how she could tell. She said she could feel all the scarring in my veins from the blood draws I have had earlier.

I could have let myself get sucked into the unfairness of it all, all the reminders, all the drama, and question the universe about the injustice that has been doled out towards me, and I did, for a tiny bit. I did have a “Woe is me” pity party for a little bit. But I am not going to allow myself to get sucked into that whirlpool again. I’m focusing on the end goal this time, and I have my sights set on bringing baby home.

The agency that we have selected as our adoption agency had an “Adoption Day Party” this weekend. DH and I went, to make use of the opportunity to meet other people in our shoes. It was an awesome experience. We met some birthmoms, and some adoptive families. There were little babies crawling / running around, and it was pure joy watching them.

Meeting the birthmoms was the best part. Talking to them brought images to my mind that this could work. We could, at the end of this, bring a child into our family in this way! We can actually do it! I hugged some of the birth moms after they shared their stories with us, and felt that all too familiar choke in my throat, and the sting of tears in my eyes. These birth moms are mere girls! 18 years old, 20 years old! They look like little kids! If we had had children at their age, some of them could actually BE our children! (I mean age wise)

I don’t know how our path ahead will be. I don’t know how rocky or smooth our adoption journey will be, but I do believe that somewhere in the universe, the wheels are turning. And our baby is making its way towards us. Only, none of us know how, and when it will all come together. But it will. It has to.

This one's for the girls

2009-11-01T17:35:00.000-08:00

This is a story about real life friends. A story about how a group of ladies that met as part of a support group grew to becoming a group of ladies that were supporting each other through some of the toughest times in each others’ lives.

A little over a year ago, Shelby commented on my blog for the first time, and she said she also lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, so I said: “Let’s meet.” We met one afternoon, and hit it off. It was so easy to talk to Shelby. She is wonderfully witty, compassionate and very warm.

Shelby had been going to a local support group in San Francisco, and she had met some other ladies there that were also going through IF struggles. She asked if I would be willing to come and have dinner with the group some time. At first I hesitated. I had never been to support groups before. I had never talked to “strangers” about my situation in life (I mean, I do talk through my blog, but I have the cover of anonymity here). Shelby asked me if I would be more comfortable if the group included spouses. That way I could ask DH to accompany me. I did, and that’s how I first met “the ladies”.

Our group met quite regularly after that. Sometimes for brunch, sometimes for a drink, sometimes at someone’s house. Everyone was at various stages of their journeys. LW was in the decision making space in between her IUIs and IVF. M was doing IUIs. J was coping with immune issues, and doing IVF coupled with very severe transfusion procedures. OC was going through IVF, and it worked! ME was going through DE and it worked! KW had just had a miscarriage after IVF, and then got pregnant naturally! Shelby’s IVF worked! I was going for my uterus surgery and getting ready for my last hurrah IVF at CCRM.

One by one, it seemed like the group was achieving success. It became a little difficult to be the one(s) left behind. I had by now been lapped several times through the years, so in a way, I was expecting it. But it still made it hard for me to meet the group, especially when the majority of the group was pregnant. We met a couple of new ladies, also from the support group that Sarang met Shelby at. The group sort of started growing in a different direction.

Sarang (her blog is private, so I can’t link it here) was phenomenal through the changes. She reached out to all the pregnant girls one on one, met with them, checked in on them regularly, all while she was going through a failed IVF and failed FETs.

I, on the other hand, let myself withdraw. I felt I needed to. I called it “my coping mechanism” or “self preservation”. I went through my cancelled FET, and subsequently my failed FET, and fell into a dark deep place in my life. I am doing much better now, and now, as I look back, I realize how much of a hand each and every one of these ladies had in gently pulling me out of my trenches. I got emails, voice mails, phone calls, text messages, flowers, and hand written cards in the mail! Each time someone reached out, it put a smile on my face.

See, I had spent 8 years struggling alone with IF. I had never explored support groups. I had grown used to dealing with my failures and losses in my own way – which mostly meant closing down from the rest of the world till I regained the energy and the strength to face life again. Receiving these notes and flowers and messages felt different. And I am so very thankful to everyone for being there.

So Sarang, MV, Shelby, ME, OC, KW, JC, L – if you are reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart! You rock! You don’t know how much you have helped me by just being there, and by reaching out to me when you knew I needed you, though some of those times, I didn’t know it myself!

OC and ME recently had their babies, Shelby is due soon, and so is KW. MV, Sarang and JC’s journey still continues. My journey continues too. The routes may have changed for some of us, but the destination remains the same – parenthood.

The group continues to meet – sometimes in big groups, sometimes one on one. We now have more members. Recently, Meg found my blog and reached out. She and I met for dinner a couple of months ago. Meg is beautiful, and warm and funny! I introduced her to the original group (or at least the ones still on the TTC bandwagon from that group). Meg introduced us to Melissa, who is a sweetheart! Sarang brought in a few more ladies, and the "new group" met just recently.

So now we have new faces in the group, but the bonding remains the same. The stories are different, but the struggle is the same. And it is so easy to connect with these ladies because everyone gets it. Everyone is in different stages of her journey, but the emotions are the same.

We meet at restaurants and bond over food. And as any veteran IFer, none of us are ashamed of talking about our body parts, or medical procedures, or TTC terminology. I am sure many a fellow restaurant client on the surrounding tables has had trouble ingesting their food if they have ever overheard our conversations! We giggle over stories of cervical mucus, sperm counts, fertilization rates, number of eggs retrieved etc, while proceeding to eat pizza, or chinese food, or whatever else it is that we are eating. No queazy stomachs at our table! On the tables surrounding us? Who knows? And frankly, who cares? Would they rather have queazy stomachs from overhearing IF conversation, or would they rather be us, having that IF conversation?

So this one's for the girls!!

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls

I recently noticed on my blog traffic monitor, that someone came to my blog by googling for "real life IF meetings in San Francisco". Whoever that was, if you are reading this, and if you are one of us that needs support, I am sure our group will be more than happy to welcome you. Leave me a comment, and we will include you in our next get together.

Of Race and Ethnicity

2009-10-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

Our research into adoption agencies and the adoption process is continuing. Some things are becoming very clear as we dig into the research. And some options are getting eliminated just by who we are and where we are.

We are not US citizens. We are permanent residents, and because of that, international adoption is almost ruled out for us. It’s ironical and sad that this route is so difficult for us, because as far as adopting a baby in India would go, we would be close to the top of the list of preferred adoptive parents for the orphanages and the adoption system in India. We are Indian citizens, living overseas. Most orphanages in India love that combination. However, the immigration rules for the US will not allow us to bring into the country a baby adopted internationally unless we “co-reside with the baby in the country of adoption for 2 years”.

That almost clearly eliminates the international adoption route for us. That is, unless we decide to uproot ourselves from here and go back to India, and we don’t think we can do that. Everything in life is at such a crossroad right now anyway. We want to keep as much constant as we can. So we are trying to keep our home and place of residence constant and work around available options.

As we began “interviewing” agencies and facilitators for adoption, and started asking questions, another piece of information started becoming more and more obvious. It will be almost impossible for us to be matched with a baby of Indian origin. Simply because there aren’t many Indian babies that become available for adoption.

We understand why. It’s cultural. We could get VERY lucky and get matched with an Indian baby, but chances of this actually happening are very slim. As part of our routine questions to the adoption agencies we are talking to, we always ask if they have placed any babies of Indian origin. Most have not had any Indian baby placements. One has, but the frequency has been 2 in the last 8 years. So that’s another option that we see as almost non-existent.

So not only am I having to process the loss of the biological connection, I am also having to process the loss of the ethnic / race connection. We thought it would help us if we spoke with other families that were built through transracial adoptions. Agencies are willing to refer us to families, but they are all families where the adoptive parents are Caucasian / American, and the adopted babies are ethnic. We have so far not been able to find a combination of ethnic (Indian) parents with Caucasian / American children. I had mentioned this to the hyno-therapist when I had my session with her last month. She told me to think of DH and me as pioneers in this field. She said: “If you can’t find the role models you are looking for, you become that role model”

Interesting thought, but still it has been a lot to process. DH has a very wise head on his shoulders. He processes situations like this very practically, and once he is done processing, he is ready to proceed. I, on the other hand, have had many apprehensions. I am trying to deal with each apprehension, and I believe that I am making progress. And with that, I think I am coming to the place where I am accepting that our family is going to be created in a unique way. I am trying to stay focused that the goal is to become a parent, as opposed to the goal being to become pregnant.

We have started talking to our families about their thoughts on transracial adoption. I have spoken with my brother and sister, and during both conversations, got the complete support that I wanted. While I was talking to my sister, I had a very powerful vision of DH and me visiting India with our adopted baby – and in my vision it was a little girl with curly hair and a beautiful laughing face – a very “white” baby, with chubby cheeks. In my vision my entire family was fawning over the baby, and everyone was just so happy! It made my heart skip a beat, and then I realized this was the first time I had actually envisioned an adopted baby in our lives, and more over, this was the first time I had envisioned my family with my baby (biological or otherwise).

I think we are finally ready to move ahead with starting to fill out paperwork and commit to a home study to start with. I am not freaking out about this any more, and I feel we can do it.

Cleaning the slate

2009-10-04T23:55:00.000-07:00

I promised my readers that I would write a post about my hypnotherapy session in detail, so here goes.

I had first heard about “hypnosis as a therapy” from a couple of "now ex-smokers" who claimed they did one session of hypnosis and had completely quit smoking after that. One of the people had been smoking for over 20 years, and had never been able to quit, but one session of hypnosis did wonders for him, and he has not had the urge for even a single puff after that.

I always wondered how that worked. I mean, what can one session of any kind of therapy do? And what is hypnotherapy anyway? One would imagine that the therapist would hypnotize you. And then what? Do they “make you” do goofy things? So I was always very wary of any such therapy. I mean, I’m wary of regular therapy too! Perhaps that explains why I have never been to a therapist so far.

But then Jill mentioned that she was considering hypno-therapy geared towards fertility. And she wrote a couple of posts about her experiences with the sessions she took. I found myself more than curious. As I read and researched, I realized that this was different. They don’t “hypnotize” you. In fact, your session could be done on the phone! From the comfort of your own home. Thank you Jill for sharing your experience!

I knew I needed help – there was no doubt about that. I needed help to sort out my thoughts, and I needed help to be able to decide on my path forward. I decided to try one session of hypnotherapy, because I felt like that would help me on the sub conscious level, and that’s where I needed help. So I set up an appointment.

The therapist and I spoke for about an hour. I went over my IF background, and told her that I was having trouble staying positive any more. And that I was letting my negativity take over many aspects of my life. And at the crossroads where we were (ie, “Where do we go from here?”), I wanted to somehow get that positivism back into my thinking. I knew we had some very big decisions in front of us, and I did not want my bad energy affecting my decisions. I wanted us to be able to plan our future with a balanced mind. In short, I wanted a clean slate.

The therapist asked questions about our backgrounds, and our families, our religion, our culture etc. She commented that I seemed to be quite “left brained” – and that she got from the fact that I tried to have my life totally planned out and in control. I got my education, got married, got a job, bought a house etc – all left brain activities. She said that trying to have a child is part left brain, part right brain activity. The right brain or the creative side of your brain plays a very important role in TTC, because one has to be able to visualize the child that one is creating. And one should not forget that the child is creating you too – ie, the child is making you a mother. It is a very important transition. She said it seemed like over the years of TTC and IF treatment, I had let the left brain take control – to take TTC as a project and get the treatment done, one after the other, one step after the other. She was going to try and “wake up” my right brain, so that there could be balance on both sides.

She said it was natural for someone going through repeated treatment cycles to let go of the harmony of the body, mind and spirit. And it is very important to have the body, mind and spirit work in harmony.

She also said that I needed to thank my uterus / ovaries for all the stuff I had put them through – all the IVFs, the D&Cs, the surgeries etc. And it struck me that I had spent the entire last year “not trusting” my uterus. Quite contrary to what she was saying. She asked me what I thought my uterus would say to me if I were to “meet my uterus for coffee”. My first reaction was “I think my uterus would take out a gun and shoot me in the face for putting it through everything I have”.

I told her I was at the junction where we have to decide what to do next, and no option seems easy. She said that she obviously could not make my decisions for me, but she would try and help me clean my slate enough so I could make my decisions myself, sensibly.

I asked her if I appeared like too much of a gone case, or if there was any hope for me. She said I was exactly where I was supposed to be, given everything I had gone through. She then sent me an audio file that I have been listening to. She said that I should not feel pressure to have a particular kind of reaction to the audio file. If I “fell asleep”, it was ok. If my brain felt alert, it was ok. Basically, whatever reaction I have, is the reaction I am supposed to have. No rights and wrongs. I would gain from the recording any which way.

And I do believe it is working. More than anything, I am determined to make it work, because I know I need it to work. I need a clean slate to be able to move on. My slate is not sparkly clean yet, but I believe it’s getting its first erasing.

If anyone is interested, you can check out the hypnotherapist’s website here.

I have done one session so far, and I'm not sure if I will do another one, or more. I'm enjoying the calm place I'm in, and I hope it lasts.

Acceptance

2009-09-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

The fifth stage of grief. I think I’m there. I truly believe that I am finally at the stage of acceptance. I’m not fighting fate anymore and I’m not feeling angry or upset at my situation. I have a strange calm and sense of peace. I’m beginning to accept that this IS my life, and I can’t change it, no matter what. It is what it is. It has taken me many many years of heartache, many lost relationships, too much negativity and bitterness to reach here. I don’t know what comes after acceptance, but I guess we will find that out.

I have been quiet for a few weeks in the blog world. Things have been going on in the real world, and some of those things have helped bring me to that calm place I’m in currently.

1) DH saw my last blog post, and realized how badly I was doing, and how much I needed him to step up and be there for me. And step up he did. He surprised me one day with a folder full of notes and comments from the calls he had been making to adoption agencies. It was so heartwarming to see that he was taking charge and doing the research. He brought me up to speed on his research, and we attended a couple of orientations too.

I have definitely had my doubts about adoption, and I’m sometimes not sure if I’m ready to move ahead with it, but I’m definitely in a much better place mentally about the process than I was even a few weeks ago. And in getting all the information through the research that DH has been doing, I am finding myself opening up to the idea even more.

I will write a complete post about my feelings, my doubts and how I’m trying to process them.

2) DH and I had some very deep discussions – amidst lots of tears and bared feelings about our opinions on adoption, and where our doubts were stemming from (this too requires a separate post), and we had some pretty intense revelations about each other and about us as a team. Just by talking to each other.

3) Jill wrote a couple of posts about the hypnotherapy sessions she went through, and her experience really intrigued me. Many of you have suggested that I see a therapist, or get onto medication. Somehow that didn’t seem to be the option of choice to me. When I read about hypnotherapy, it made sense. So I decided to take a session for myself. It’s been about a week now since my session, and I have to admit, I really think it is working. The objective we had set for my session was to “clean my slate”. I told the hypnotherapist that I had a lot of negativity and bitterness set in my mind and sub conscience, and I was beginning to have a very negative energy around any step I took. For example, for my last FET, for the most part, my attitude was “It’s not going to work anyway, let’s just get it over with”. I had stopped envisioning babies in our house. I had stopped even wanting to parent. And I knew I needed help. The hypnotherapist is located in CO, so our session was on the phone, and she then sent me an audio file that I have been listening to. It has been only a week, but I know it’s helping, because I have been feeling so calm since then. (This TOO requires a separate post!)

In my last post I was talking about options, and trying to decide which path to walk down. I think we sort of know now. We will sign up with an adoption agency (we’re not fully there yet, but are working towards it). Depending on how things go – we will figure out next year if we want to proceed with surrogacy or do one attempt at a fresh IVF here locally, or if we want to try one last FET with our remaining blastocysts. We will leave that decision to next year. I’m trying to give up on my need to have the next 10 years planned out inside my head. I’m trying to be in the moment and take it from there.

So far, so good. I hope I am able to continue feeling peaceful, because this sure feels nice. I was getting sick of being who I was becoming. This is a very concentrated effort to regain my life and enjoy living.

You can run, but you can never hide

2009-09-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since my last post. I’ve been in a fuddled, confused state of mind, not feeling very communicative, not having much clarity of thought and word. Broken, tired and hopeless.

You can run but you can never hide from the reality of your life, can you? It always comes back to bite you in the rear. And reality could be in any form. You could take a firm decision to enjoy your long weekend and not think about life and IF, and you could get asked the “So when are you having kids” question right in the beginning of the weekend, when you’re happy and just slightly buzzed on nice strong mojitos. Or it could be in the form of the sight of an obviously newborn baby wailing loudly, and being rocked to silence by an obviously inexperienced dad in the park on a sunny afternoon. You walk silently by, and all you can do is reach out for your DH’s hand and squeeze it.

It’s been over a month since our BFN and it hasn’t been easy. On the outside, life has gone back to being routine. But the emptiness comes back to haunt us and taunt us every day. I feel disillusioned from most things in life – from my job to household chores to working out to even just relaxing. No fun in anything.

I guess my heart and mind needs an anchor or a goal to look forward to, and there is none right now. Of late I have been feeling like a balloon floating away into the sky. No destination, no goal, no plan, no “next steps”.

DH is a little bit in the “ostrich mode” – ie, dig your head in the sand and ignore the problem, hopefully it will go away. I realize he is tired of IF, and wants to lead a normal – hormone free, treatment free life for a while. I find myself closing off from him a little bit because I find him avoiding any discussions of next steps. At the same time, I don’t want to push him, because I don’t want him helping me with our next steps out of force from me. I want it to come from him. I don’t know when that will be.

And I alone don’t have the motivation to do anything on my own. There’s so much that needs attention, and I’m just not up to giving attention. My list grows daily:
1) Find a new job. I took this one because I needed a job at that time. I don’t like it, and clearly I don’t fit into the work environment. But I’m not motivated enough to do anything about it. I’m not even confident enough to do anything about it.
2) Get back to working out and living healthy. Obviously I need to. I need to be able to fit into my regular clothes. One can wear tents only for that long! But do I have the motivation to go to a gym? No points for guessing the answer to that one.
3) Get the house in order. I’m not even motivated enough to cook food any more. I’m happy canned soup and bread. The house needs cleaning and care. I’m not giving it any attention.
4) Feel worthy again. I don’t even know where to begin on this one.

I’m trying to figure out what to do next with my life, as far as IF is concerned. And I need your inputs. I know some of you have been in the situation I am in, and I’m hoping someone can give me some advice / suggestions on how to navigate the maze inside my head. But PLEASE don’t tell me to “just adopt” or something like that. There’s no “just” anymore – it doesn’t work that way.

I’m also listing my options down, because, who knows – just writing them out could bring me the clarity that I need.

So here are my options, and my thoughts / analysis:

I have 2 remaining frozen blasts. Not the best quality, but still, at least they’re there. And they are normal after PGD.

Option 1: Prep for FET again, and attempt another transfer?
Analysis/ Thoughts: I don’t trust my uterus. And I don’t feel confident to try another FET right now. I don’t know if I may feel differently after some time has elapsed. But for now, I feel “safer” knowing the blastocysts are frozen.

Option 2: Use a surrogate?
Analysis / Thoughts: We can’t afford a gestational carrier through an agency. It will take us a long time before we can gather that kind of money. Also, I’m scared because surrogacy is not guaranteed either. What if the surrogate gets a BFN or has a miscarriage or something? Would we be able to deal with that?
But on this topic, I do have some “hope”. I have a cousin who has offered to carry a baby for us. We are not jumping at the offer just yet, because I feel like she is offering herself to me out of extreme emotion. And while this decision is emotional, it also has to be thought through practically. For one, my cousin doesn’t even live in the same country as I do. She has two young children. And a job. And a life. There’s a lot to consider. But it does give me some hope to know that she has offered, and when the time is right, it will be a matter of working things out on the logistics front. This is an option that I don’t want to exercise any time soon. I guess because this is the only option right now that has any “hope” – and I want to have hope for as long as I can.

Option 3: Adopt?
Analysis / Thoughts: We started exploring the idea, and started talking to agencies, until DH decided he didn’t want to proceed just yet. Our finances need to be in order first, according to him. And while we get them in order, even researching adoption is not an option for him. I don’t agree with him on this, but I don’t want to take on the research on adoption on my own. For 2 reasons – 1) He obviously needs to be part of it, and if he’s not part of it, there’s no point me researching it at all. 2) I want him to take the lead on this research. I’m tired, and bitter, and seeing negative in everything I do. I need him to hold my hand and lead me forward. So I’m stuck on this one.

Option 4: Do another fresh IVF?
Analysis / Thoughts: We had decided that the CCRM IVF would be our last one. But now that we’re done with that, I find myself wondering if I should go back to my regular RE here who did get me BFPs 3 times, one for each IVF I did with him. I wonder if I should just rest my body a bit and try one more time locally here. I don’t have an answer to this one. Of course it would be out of pocket, and there’s the money situation again!

Option 5: Live Child “free”?
Analysis/ Thoughts: I have found myself questioning my intent several times recently. There was a time when I would see DH with friends’ babies, and my eyes would tear up thinking what a great dad he would make, and wishing I could have given him a baby. Of late, I see DH with friends’ kids, and I ask myself “Do I see him doing this on a sustained basis”? And the answer is always “No”. Perhaps it’s self - preservation, that I’ve been protecting my heart for so long that now it believes I don’t want a baby any more. Or perhaps it’s something deeper than that. So I ended up asking DH what he thought. My question was “Do we even want to parent anymore?”
At first his answer resonated with my doubts. He said he wasn’t sure. He said he had been thinking the same thing, and he too could no longer see himself running after kids.
Two days later we talked about it again. And we realized that we should parent. If we already feel like there’s no value in our lives today, how would we cope for the rest of our lives? How will I cope when my brother and his wife get pregnant, or when my sister gets pregnant? It’s one thing to cope with friends’ announcements, and a totally different thing to cope with your siblings’ announcements. So this option is almost wiped out. But I leave it on the slate because doubt comes back to me every now and then.

So there you have it – the whole 9 yards. Sorry the post is so long, and if you have come so far down the post to read till here, Thank You!

What would you do?

Trying to conceive made me infertile.

2009-08-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

So what went wrong? How did we get to come back empty handed (or empty wombed) from the Mecca of Infertility?

At first we were in the dreaded “undiagnosed” category. All my tests always came back normal, as did DH’s. The only thing the RE’s ever had as an excuse was my irregular cycles. In my opinion irregular cycles are the easiest treated diagnosis of IF. I know girls who go months without AF, but when they started TTC, one or two rounds of clomid was all that was needed.

After years of being undiagnosed, and uncategorized, we discovered DH’s Balanced Translocation. I don’t know if we were more alarmed at the discovery, or more relieved that we had finally found something! I kept asking the doctors to give me a reason why my treatment didn’t ever work. I have a scientific, logical mind. I can only buy the “bad luck” answer for that much. Not longer than that. Give me a reason, and maybe I can put closure to the questions in my head.

With PGD tested embryos, we figured there was nothing that could stop us from bringing baby home. How wrong we were.

In 2007, when I first got pregnant after IVF#2, I was on baby aspirin for the first few weeks. At about 8 weeks I had an episode of bleeding – major bleeding. Convinced that we had lost the baby, we rushed sobbing to the RE’s office. He checked, and showed us that the baby was doing fine. He showed us the spot in my uterus from where the blood was coming, and he said “Maybe you can stop the baby aspirin now – your blood may be getting too thin”

I stopped the baby aspirin that day, and that was the day the baby’s heartbeat stopped (approximately, because when the missed m/c was discovered 10 days later, the baby had not grown much in size from that emergency u/s day)

I had a D&C, and the RE ordered a repeat loss panel for me (though it was my first loss – he wanted to make sure we didn’t miss anything)

Then we discovered MTHFR (I call it the mother fucker gene). I should never have stopped that aspirin. And I will never understand why doctors don’t check all this before an IVF procedure! Why can’t these tests be done as part of our pre IVF work up??

The next IVF resulted in a biochemical pg, and the one following that resulted in an ectopic that they could never find. I had another D&C then. And methotrexate to kill the poor embryo that was growing somewhere where it shouldn’t have. We still don’t know where it was.

Then we went to CCRM for our last and final cycle. During the one day work up, Dr Schoolie said he thought my uterine cavity was tiny, and could be the reason why I was not being able to stay pregnant. He did a surgery on me to fix the shape and grow the size of the cavity. So, in the course of 12 months, I had had 2 D&Cs and one uterus surgery.

The result? Poor uterine lining. Dr Schoolie thinks it’s the D&C’s that “damaged” my lining. I don’t know how he can be sure the surgery did not contribute to the damage. It’s the same process right? Scraping the insides of the uterus?

Last week, after my BFN, right after the nurse from CCRM called with the news, Dr. Schoolie called to say he was “shocked the cycle didn’t work”. Yes, we were shocked too – I was getting BFPs locally, and I got nothing at CCRM!! He also said that given the fact that I have never carried a pregnancy to term before, and the fact that my lining does seem badly “damaged by the D&C’s”, it may make sense to look at surrogacy for the remaining 2 blastocysts we have. He did mention that if I wanted, we could try to prep my lining again. I told him I did not trust my uterus. He then said, “In which case, honestly, you should consider using a gestational carrier”

So from being “undiagnosed” to becoming someone that probably can never carry a pregnancy to term, what a downhill slide huh?

Bottom line – our struggles with TTC and with IF ended up making me even more infertile. Now I am definitely barren. Before this, I could dream and carry a hope in my heart that it will work - someday, somehow. Now I know it won’t.

Trying to conceive made me infertile. Perhaps I just should not have tried so hard?

My body killed my blastocysts

2009-08-05T19:21:00.000-07:00

That’s right, folks. BFN. Big fucking negative. 2 great quality 4AA grade blastocysts killed mercilessly by my barren empty womb. I’m that woman that contributes to the BFN parts of clinics’ statistics, so that the stats average out.

What the hell am I talking about? It’s about time I came out and told you what I’ve been up to in the last couple of months.

I’m sure some of you may have wondered why my blog was so disjointed recently. When Nikki has 4 blasts on ice, why is she going all over the place, exploring adoption, and then seemingly not even exploring adoption any more, writing infrequently, and writing irrelevantly?

Very simple explanation. No, I wasn’t nuts. I knew we had those 4 blasts, and after we called off our FET in March, DH and I had decided to take a little break, and then prep my stubborn lining again. I just didn’t want to write about it on my blog, because I was feeling a lot of “performance anxiety”. I told some of you individually, but didn’t want to blog about it till it was done. It was, after all, our last hurrah.

With Aunt F in May, we decided it was time. We got all set up, and I got on BCPs. Started Lupron on June 3, and went for my first lining check on 7/1. FET was scheduled for 7/7. Of course my lining was too thin. FET got pushed out to 7/16. Lining check got repeated on 7/10. Still too thin. FET got pushed out to 7/24, and then I realized Dr. Schoolie would not be there for my FET on 7/24. I requested for a date when he would be there, because after all this, I wanted him to do the honors. Specially since he had done surgery on my uterus, and “knew” my uterus well. So we got rescheduled yet again to 7/27. Lining check was on 7/21, and my measly pathetic lining measured at 7 mm “from the most flattering angle” – according to the local RE here.

We flew out to Denver, and brought home 2 of the best quality blasts we could. They thawed 2 blasts, and both thawed beautifully. 100% cells survived, one was hatching, and the other almost hatching. Beautiful. According to the embryologist “you couldn’t even tell the blastocysts had ever been frozen”

Of course I needed additional help – hormonal help. My protocol had been very aggressive from the beginning, but by the end of it, I was on this:

2 Estrace suppositories daily

2 Delestrogen injections weekly

2 Estrogen patches every other day

3 Endometrin suppositories daily

1 PIO shot daily

1 Prenatal daily

2 Folgard tablets daily

1 Baby Aspirin daily

1 Blood Pressure medication daily

Fast forward to 8 days later – yesterday. I POASed. BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE!

9 DPFET – Today – Beta test – BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE!

Why? What have I done to deserve this? Why can my fate not turn around, for once? How much more do we have to go through? I have quietly ploughed on for more than 8 years. My TTC resume now reads:

8 + years TTC #1

6 clomid cycles – BFN

5 IUIs – BFN

5 IVFs – 1^st BFN, 2^nd missed miscarriage, 3^rd chemical pregnancy, 4^th ectopic pregnancy, 5^th (Freeze all FET) BFN.

The last year has included 1 long drawn out IVF cycle – 6 trips to Denver, and $$ that we could not afford to spend, but did, in the hope that it will all be worth it.

So after countless shots, suppositories, surgeries, treatment cyles, losses, heartache, pain – here I am, as empty wombed as I was when we embarked on this journey.

The prospect of growing old childless is looming large upon us. It's a scary thought. Some of you know how dark and scary that place is. And though I know I will never regret my TTC journey and all the treatment we went through, I know I will always regret not being able to have DH’s and my child.

You will probably still wonder – what about the 2 remaining blastocysts? I am NOT trusting them to my killer uterus. I will keep them frozen, or if I find the strength in my heart to go through surrogacy, I will. But I am not putting another embryo into my body. I’m done. I’m so done.

Sometimes you can’t fight fate. Fate is sometimes stronger than we are – we believe that if we try hard enough, we can achieve anything in life. Maybe not.

In dance steps....

2009-08-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

DH and I like watching these dance shows. Yeah, we're "those" people!

So anyway - the other day, this piece came on. It was a tribute to breast cancer, and was beautifully executed. When the piece got over, I quietly reached out for a tissue to wipe my tears. I had such a huge lump in my throat that I couldn't speak. I turned to look at DH, and I saw him reaching out for a tissue as well. He too had tears in his eyes.

When we finally spoke, we realized that we had both seen the piece as being very fitting for a couple fighting IF too. The struggles, the despair, the anger - it all comes out so beautifully! The girl seems to be helpless, turning to the man for support, trusting him, wanting him to make her pain go away. The man tries to lift the girl up out of her (their) sorrows as much as he can. When he is alone, he struggles too, but becomes strong for the girl when he is with her.

There is so much sadness, anger, helplessness in this piece. But at the same time, so much dependency on each other in the piece as well.

To me - this is a very true reflection of our life.

The value of a lady

2009-07-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

I recently had a conversation with my manager about *maybe* going to Denver at some point in the future. I wanted him to know, so there was no misunderstanding if and when I did go.
The conversation went something like this: (The sequence of sentences may be mixed up a little, because I was too shocked to be able to remember everything, and you’ll see why I was shocked)

Me: I wanted to let you know that at some point DH and I will be going to Denver for our “treatment”.
Him: What treatment?
Me: Our fertility treatment – I had mentioned it to you before, right?
Him: What treatment?? OH the pregnancy one?
Me: Yes, the pregnancy one (controlled eye roll here)
Him: How old are you?
Me: I’m 38.
Him: You’re 38????
Me: Yes
(This “You’re 38??” and “Yes” was repeated some 5 times)
Him: How long have you been married?
Me: 12 years, and we’ve been trying since 2001.
Him: You’ve had some abortions right?
Me: NO I HAVE NOT HAD ANY ABORTIONS! I HAVE HAD MISCARRIAGES OR PREGNANCY LOSSES!
Him: It must be very hard.
Me: Yes it is.
Him: I used to be like Hitler in my house, never cared about anything until my wife had her operation.
Me: What operation? You mean she had a C-Section?
Him: Yes – they take the baby out, and they ask us to cut the cord. That moment changed me. That’s when I realized the value of a lady.
Me:……………………….. (Thinking to my self – Oh my word!!! Which means, there is no value in my existence at all!!)

I picked my jaw up off the table, muttered something unintelligible and left the room.

In retrospect I think there is so much I should have not said, or that I should have cut the conversation short right in the beginning when I got the drift that he wasn't evolved enough in the EQ department. But at that time, I was just so shocked that I ended up sitting there like a sputtering gold fish, enduring this!

Oh BOY!!! What would you do if anyone spoke like this to you?

More than the inability to have a child

2009-07-17T15:59:00.000-07:00

Infertility gets defined as the inability to get pregnant after trying for 1 year (or 6 months depending on your age), or the inability to carry a pregnancy. That’s the technical description, and what is apparent and visible to the outsider.

But to the couple dealing with IF? It pervades every aspect of life. At least for DH and me, that is the case. It impacts relationships, confidence, career, finances, body image – just about everything!

I look back over the years, and there’s so much that has changed, so much we have lost…all because of infertility. This is what my infertility has done to me….

Relationships – Let’s see. How many relationships have changed, and how they have changed!! The most important one – DH and my relationship. On the one hand, it has matured and grown deeper, to a level where we really really “get” each other. We’ve both become protective of each other, and will unconditionally put the other in front of anything else in life. However at the same time, our relationship has suffered – deeply so. The spontaneity has left the relationship. Much of the laughter has left. Much of the intimacy has left. In its wake – there’s a lack of self confidence, and poor body image.

Relationships with our families have changed. Our families love us, and hurt because we hurt, but nobody gets what we are going through. And I can’t blame them – only when you’ve walked in our shoes will you know how badly they pinch. There are times that I want to talk to my parents, and tell them how I feel inside, but something holds me back. I end up projecting my same old “I’m brave, I’m fine, my life is good” face to even them. At the same time, I can’t help but feel “guilty” that they don’t have grandchildren or nieces / nephews!

Relationships with friends - if any still remain! Most of our “friends” have fallen off our radar. They don’t know what to say to us anymore, or they end up saying or doing things that hurt, causing us to retreat further into our shells, in some cases, far away enough into our shells to never come back. The ones that are still around are constantly treading on eggshells around us. Social isolation - yes, that's us. I got tired of putting on a happy face for everyone, and I got tired of expecting people to understand. I gave up.

My career – What’s the point of having worked so hard at getting at an MBA degree when my life was going to become all about my IF? Any time that I have a choice to make, I have chosen to overlook my career. I’ve taken “lesser” jobs, I’ve given priority to my doctors’ appointments and treatment schedules, and needless to say, I’m nowhere close to my classmates in terms of achievements professionally. It hurts to see people be able to focus on their careers and rise, while everything else in their life happens smoothly. For the general subsection of my friend circle / classmates, children have been born and are growing up without even a tiny bump on the road. Part of it were choices I made, and part were situations I had to deal with.

My confidence levels. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I have ended up feeling inadequate as a woman. As a wife, daughter, daughter in law. Reproduction is known to be one of the things that drives all creatures to even exist. And I feel like I have failed at the reason to exist. How then can I even dream of ever feeling confident again? Do I spend the rest of my life in isolation? To add to the feelings of inadequacy, there are the feelings of ugliness and unattractiveness. All the extra weight - the tight clothes, the pants that don't fit, the old pictures that mock me with my own skinny face smiling back at me!

Hope and the ability to look forward and dare to dream. I can't any more. IF has taken it all away from me.

I don't know if I have taken IF particularly badly, or if I don't know how to deal, or if I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is, but IF has changed who I was, and made me into this person I do not like. I don't know if I have allowed IF to take away more from me that I should have, but I do know that it sucks to be an infertile person living in such an uber fertile world.

It's been a while....

2009-07-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'm here. Alive and well. I've just been very quiet lately. There's been a lot going on in my life - but no, I did not have a miracle BFP, and I am not pregnant and therefore in hiding. (Sadly - I'm not one of those girls that everyone knows - you know the one people talk about "I know this girl, she tried for 8 years, had 3 losses, went through 5 IVFs, and just when she had given up, BAM, she was pregnant on her own!")

My life is average.

Remember my uncle in the east coast? The one I went to meet? He had been so sick for so many years, with each episode adding on to the previous one. The final event in March this year when his lungs collapsed was like the last straw on his back. He was on ventilator, and being fed through a tube, and with no hopes being given by any doctor that he would ever recover from it. It was really sad - his brain was alert and active, but his body would not cooperate. His muscles had atrophied over the years and he had been on a wheelchair for a few years. He wasn't able to do anything for himself anymore, and it was not getting better. He decided he had had enough. He requested the doctors to pull the plug a couple of weeks ago. They took him through several psychological and medical evaluations and then decided he was sane enough to be making the call he was.

My parents came from India, and were with my uncle when the ventilator was removed. The doctors had said it would take 2 - 3 hours after the ventilator was removed for his oxygen levels to be too low for him to survive.

But no - 3 hours went by, 5 hours went by, 12 hours went by and he was doing ok. We were all confused. Were we witnessing a medical miracle? The doctors were shocked, and they said they didn't know what to say any more. Finally it was 3 days after the ventilator was turned off that my uncle passed on. His family, my parents, my DH, and a couple more relatives were with my uncle in his final moments.

It's been a couple of weeks now. My parents are back in CA with us - they will stay for a little more time before they head back to India.

I've been busy trying to soak up every moment with my parents while they are here, and therefore have been inactive on the blogs. I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting much on your blogs, and I haven't been writing at all. I do try and read most of your posts, but sometimes am not able to sit and comment back. I will be back to being more regular soon, I promise!

A year since Father's Day 2008

2009-06-15T22:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a year since I saw double lines on a pee stick. Last year, June 15, the day before my beta - I POASed, and had fantastic dark double lines.

It also happened to be Father's Day, and for once, the day meant more than just calling and wishing our dads in India. We went out to lunch, smiling ear to ear, barely able to contain our little secret. Only, our little secret was growing in a place it shouldn't have been. We didn't know that. Over the next few weeks, life went upside down - yet again.......

I still have those pee sticks. I can't bear to throw them away. What if I never see double on a pee stick again? What if Father's Day and Mother's Day will always just remain days when we are children wishing our parents?

From then till now - we have not been able to complete our next and our last and final IVF cycle. It's been the longest cycle ever! I somehow feel more confident and comfortable thinking my blasts are lying frozen, than I would if I were in my 2ww!! Frozen blasts symbolize hope. Man, I sound so pathetic now, don't I?

How do you know when it’s over?

2009-06-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

Many a blog post has been written about this question. How do you know when it’s time to stop trying? How do you know when to pull the plug on treatment? How do you know when it’s over?

The answer more or less is unanimous: You just know.

Like I know now. I think it’s over for us. I have finally accepted that you really can’t fight nature beyond a point. I’m spent, tired and helpless. Yes I’ve got 4 blastocysts on ice, but for the first time in my IF journey, I don’t feel like I have any hope left. And I know I’ve been repeating this over and over again, but what can I do? It is what it is. I am feeling entirely dismal and hopeless.

So in an effort to try and focus on having a family instead of focusing on trying to get pregnant, we decided we should attend a few adoption information sessions. A local support group held the first one we went to. The moderator suggested we start attending information sessions that are held by the various adoption agencies in the area, so that we could gather information, and make our decisions on what route is best for us. So a few days ago, we attended a session by a local agency.

While it was very emotional to just be there at these sessions, they were also very informative. Some of you mentioned you’d be interested to know more about what we found out, so I thought I’d list out some of my learning here:

1) Adoption is NOT as expensive as I had believed it to be. I was under the impression the whole process could cost us somewhere in the range of $50k. But apparently not. The average cost seems to be more in the range of about $15-$20k. (Big sigh of relief here. While that is still a lot of money, it’s relatively a whole lot easier to manage than $50k)
2) The average time for an adoption to be completed is about 16 months. This is for domestic adoptions. Of course things go quicker in some cases, and in some, they don’t. International adoptions could take upwards of 2 years.
3) International adoptions are limited to some countries that have been approved by the Hague Treaty. Being of Indian origin, we were pleased to confirm that adoptions from India are allowed under the Hague Treaty. However, we are not US citizens. We are permanent residents, and that could pose a problem in the International Adoption process for us. We still need clarity on this, and are trying to find out more details on whether we would even be allowed to pursue international adoptions.
4) On average, children adopted through international adoptions are usually older in age, and most international adoptions are of children between the ages of 1 and 4. Infant adoptions are possible usually only through domestic adoptions.
5) The county adoption / foster adoption is the cheapest of all. We have not got a lot of information yet on this, and I am going to try and find out more.
6) In domestic adoptions, the trend is moving towards open adoption across the country, where the birth parent(s) are involved in the child’s life in some form or fashion. The moderator described the birth parents as “an additional set of in laws”. This is something I have to get used to. I do understand how an open adoption is good for the child, and how the child would obviously feel more secure with the knowledge of his / her roots and birth parents, and how it would be good emotionally and psychologically for the child. However, I am still trying to make myself accept this mindset and I’m not sure I know how to. I can’t really explain why I’m having trouble accepting this kind of openness. I guess my next point may explain why I’m conflicted.
7) The home study process is a 4 step process: 1) The social worker meets both of you together. 2) The social worker meets you alone 3) The social worker meets your DH alone. 4) The social worker comes home to complete the home study.

You have to have “dealt with the grief of your infertility” before you jump into the entire process. The home study part itself could be emotionally very challenging, obviously. They will want to know about your childhood, your upbringing, your values, your ideas about parenting, your idea about each other’s roles in parenting, specially in disciplining the child, why you want to adopt, your income, and possibly many more such “interrogatory” questions. And that is where my conflict comes in. We have already been dealt a rough deal in life, and the “surrendering of ourselves” to this kind of exposure / questioning feels unfair to me right now.

For so many fertiles, the criteria for qualifying as a parent is oftentimes just a faulty condom, or an extra drink or two, or at most – a playful romp in the bed. Do they ever need to prove that they are capable of bringing up the child they are producing? Obviously not.

It bothers me that we would have to go through a validation like this, and then also have to have the birth parents involved in the child’s life. (I’m not judging the process here, and I’m not saying it’s right or wrong. I’m just saying that at this point, this concept is hard for me to process.)

Perhaps I’m so torn and conflicted because I’m not done “grieving my infertility”. So it brings me back to the question in the beginning of my post.

How do you know when you are done? How do you know when it’s over? How do you know when you are done grieving your infertility? When do you accept the loss of your biological children? Any thoughts?

Only in my life do these things happen!

2009-05-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

These things happen only in my life! DH and I have been through the wringer for 8 years with IF. Of late we started talking about exploring options with adoption more seriously, and we were finally beginning to be able to put our arms around the idea of proceeding with adoption. We decided to go attend an informational session on adoption organized by a local support group, and guess what? Just as the meeting started, there was a fire in the building, and we had to evacuate!

There was total drama – with firemen, and smoke and ladders and everything! Here are a few pictures that DH took with his phone:

But even a burning building was not going to stop a group of determined IFers to get the information they wanted. Our group crowded around the moderator on the sidewalk, and asked her to continue talking! (If IF teaches you something, it is resilience! Nothing can deter us much any more.) It wasn’t the best place to be holding an adoption seminar, but there we were, all trying to ask questions, and listen to what the moderator was saying over the noise on the street!

We finally ended up walking over to the Hya.tt across the street and sitting on the floor in one of their lesser used hallways to continue our session!

The session was very very useful. But at the same time, very emotional. Each time the moderator said “First you have to deal with the grief of your infertility”, I had to wipe tears from my eyes. For the most part of the session I had a lump in my throat that made it hard for me to ask the questions I wanted to.

The moderator herself is an adoptive mom, twice over, and has dealt with her share of IF before they adopted. She told us a lot of important things about the process, logistics, and emotions of adopting. DH and I have come back with a ton of information, and a list of things to research on, and make decisions about. She helped dispel some myths and misconceptions that we had about the costs and the process of adoption, and she brought in a lot of clarity for us.

We are still not sure if we are jumping into the application and home study process immediately. But we are beginning to think along those lines, and are beginning to agree to find out more. This itself is a huge step forward in the process for us.

Adoption is a beautiful thing, obviously, but today, for me, it is a very emotional piece to process. It’s the realization of acceptance, the apparent finality of giving up TTC. Yes, we still have the FET and the 4 embryos, but who are we kidding here? What hasn’t happened so far is very highly unlikely to suddenly turn around and happen now. I’m at the point where I’ve begun to accept the fact that I may never have a pregnant belly.

I’ve finally broken my addiction to hope, and it has been rough.

Which of my readers writes daily horoscopes for Yahoo?

2009-05-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

This is what my daily horoscope at Yahoo said today:

Whether you think that your dreams are messages from your subconscious or not, there is no denying that the visions your mind creates while you're sleeping can give you some insight. So evaluate the strange images that have been invading your snoozing hours. Analyze them long enough, and you'll start to see some patterns emerge -- patterns that you need to change. You are being warned about something, so heed those warnings.

I can't believe the coincidence that I should have such a random dream, and then this should come up as my daily horoscope!

I think I need help

2009-05-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

I don’t even want to try and interpret this one. I had a dream the other night, and not only was it disturbing, it was downright weird.

In my dream, my mom is pregnant. And it’s one of those “oops” pregnancies. My parents are worried about how to break the news to me (much like most of my IRL friends don’t know how to face me once they get pregnant). It’s like I am so incurably infertile that it’s all that my family and friends see about me any more!

So anyway, back to my dream. My parents are worried about breaking the news to me, but they finally take me aside and tell me they didn’t know how to tell me, you know, because of how long DH and I have been trying to get pregnant on our own. I don’t say anything to them, and without any real conversation, it becomes understood that I will bring up the baby they have as my own.

So flash forward – poor pathetic me is bringing up my own new born baby brother and passing him off as my own child. (Why did my dream select a baby brother over a baby sister? No idea.)

How disturbing is that? On so many levels. Right from the fact that they didn’t want to tell me, to the fact of course that my 61 year old post menopausal mother can get pregnant and have a baby and I can’t, to the fact that I’m bringing up my baby brother and pretending he is my baby. Also, my relationship with my parents is very good, so I have no idea why my sub-conscience would come up with something so insane!

OK - I think I need help.

Real life meetings

2009-05-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

I feel like a recovering drug addict. In a way I am exactly that, right? I was addicted to hope. I was on major drugs, shooting myself up in the most shameless manner, in some absolutely crazy places, like public restrooms and gas stations!

And now, I’m having withdrawal symptoms. Not the usual kinds though. I’m not dying to go back on the drugs. I’m not dying to put my brain back into the fog it has just broken free of. Quite the contrary. In fact, I wonder if I even want to proceed with this FET at all any more.

It feels like I have wanted a child, and been denied that for so long, that now I don’t want it any more. It’s like scar tissue in my heart, you know? From the hope that existed there, that has been dashed so often and so badly.

It’s been one month since I started my job. It’s been 2 months since I called off my FET. The last two months have felt nice. I’ve enjoyed my wine (OK, not just wine – I’ve enjoyed my cocktails as well ☺ ), I’m enjoying fitting into my regular clothes and not feeling like a bloated, water soaked pin cushion! I feel almost brazen confiding that I have not even taken my pre-natals or folic acid for 2 months. I just don’t feel like taking them any more.

DH and I are enjoying leading a normal life, and not being on a drug / patch / injection / suppository / appointment / blood draw schedule for the time being. I’m enjoying laughing again. I mean, not that I wasn’t laughing before, but I was certainly down in the dumps more often than I was laughing.

I met a couple of my IF sisters last weekend. Sarang (her blogosphere name) is part of a local IF sisterhood that came together a few months ago. She is dealing from a recent failed IVF cycle, and I am so proud of her for dealing so well. Meeting her on Saturday for breakfast brought out so many emotions that I had shut away for the last 2 months. She was asking me about my next steps and it suddenly made me realize how far I had mentally distanced myself from the thought of starting to prep my uterus lining for FET. It’s like I had this wax coating on my emotions.

So while I on one hand I’m enjoying being drug free, on the other hand, I know I need to get moving on with FET / adoption research, or whatever else it is that I need to do. The age time bomb is ticking away! Sarang gave me some ideas about adoption that I am going to research on. I am also planning to attend a session on adoptions, which a local support group is holding soon. Sarang, thank you for being there, and helping me sort out my lost and numbed emotions recently. Thanks for reaching out and doing all that you’re doing!

On Saturday evening I met Darya! It was so nice meeting her! She was in San Francisco for a conference, and I went up there and met her for a drink. It was really nice to hug her in real life – after having sent her many many hugs over the internet over the last year or so that I’ve “known” her. And it was so easy talking to her in real life! Like we’d known each other forever!

I put up a picture on FB, and someone commented “Are you sure you’re not sisters?” I commented back “In some ways, we are sisters”

Darya – I wish you many many more conferences in San Francisco! I will come and meet you for a drink after EVERY conference that you attend here – how about that? Thanks for all the support you’ve given me over the last year – it was so nice to meet you!!

ALSO: In case anyone is interested, a friend of a friend has some meds to give away. (I will delete this part of this post in a few days) So if you or anyone you know is interested, and needs the meds, leave me a comment with your email address, and I will send it ahead to my friend. Here are the details:

Full cycle of menupur (Bravelle brand) that will expire 7/2009.
If you know anyone who can use it and their insurance does not pay for it, I am happy to let them have it.
They cost about $2K without insurance.

We're all mommies too!

2009-05-07T23:16:00.000-07:00

Every year, women like me brace themselves for the coming weekend, the 2nd Sunday of May. Yes, Mothers Day, celebrated almost all over the world, and dreaded by the IF community. The commercialization of every holiday and the all-pervasive media with all its advertising and constant reminders of the celebration of motherhood, become constant reminders of what we’re missing. Every commercial on TV, every advertisement on the radio, every announcement of Mother’s Day sales all over the place are like knives through our already broken and shattered hearts.

And I think I speak for many of my IF sisters here – I have endured each Mother’s Day for the last 8 years, thinking, believing, hoping, praying, while desperately and fervently wishing that this is the last Mother’s Day that is breaking my heart. Next year, I will have my little baby in my arms, and I too will be wished “Happy Mother’s Day!” For 8 years I have pretended to ignore the commercials and the announcements, and have wondered how it would feel to wake up on Mother’s Day to breakfast that my child(ren) made for me, to clumsy but heart tuggingly cute hand made cards, smudged drawings, and squeals of laughter, all the excitement in the air!

But instead here I am – hoping to go to bed on Saturday night, only to wake up on Monday morning. Hoping to slink away somewhere on Sunday, to try and avoid the obvious. And it’s all because we physically don’t have our children in our homes and in our arms.

The other day I saw a Mother’s Day commercial on TV, and I turned to DH and said “ I’m a mommy too, aren’t I? So what if my babies are all dead?” I know it broke his heart to just hear that being said out loud. But isn’t that the truth?

Our babies may not be here in flesh and blood, but they are here in so many other forms:

In the form of every dream that we have had where we’ve seen our babies’ faces, or felt their hugs.
In the form of the imagination of what our babies would look like – for every time that we have looked at our DH’s face, and imagined a baby with those eyes, or that smile.
In the form of every treatment cycle that we have gone through – and the 2ww when we are PUPO
In the form every embryo that we have ever created through ART
Sadly, even in the form of every chemical pregnancy, every miscarriage, every ectopic or every pregnancy gone wrong – those were our babies. They just grew angel wings way before they should have.

We are all Mommies. The world may celebrate Mother’s Day only for those with living babies, but let’s not forget to remember our babies that were, or could be, or should have been. We are all Mommies, whether or not we have babies to cuddle and kiss.

I hope I don’t offend any of you by saying this, but I do want to wish all of us a Happy Mother's Day. Many many hugs to all my IF sisters, and many thanks to all of you for holding my hand through some of the roughest days of my life so far.

Left behind

2009-05-03T15:52:00.000-07:00

It’s happening again. In the 8 years that DH and I have been TTC, we’ve been “left behind” so many times. I used to lurk on some message boards, way back in 2002-2003 etc. I never posted, but I did find myself following the stories and posts of some of the women on the board. One by one they all got pregnant, or adopted and moved on. I got left behind.

Then I started posting on the boards and made some friends. One by one most of them got pregnant, or adopted and moved on. I stopped posting on the boards because I just ended up feeling like a bitter, unsuccessful oldie, still there, still trying. I was left behind again.

Then I started blogging – and now I’m noticing the same thing. One by one, so many of the blogs I read have gone from being IF blogs to becoming pregnancy blogs to parenting blogs.

I’m left behind again. Yes, there are some people from each group that are also still here with me, and I can feel their pain. It feels terrible to be left standing in one place when the world is rushing past you. How infertile am I, that even the IF community is getting pregnant before me?

And I’m not even talking about my IRL friends any more. I don’t even expect to have a child that will be older than any of my IRL friends’ kids. On the other hand, if I do have a child, I expect to be that pitiable older mom with a young child, feeling totally out of synch and out of sorts!

I don’t grudge anyone her success or happiness. Not at all. In fact, I’m happy for my IF sisters when they get to the other side of this roller coaster. I know many have been to hell and back on the infertility journey, and I’m so glad and relieved for them when they reach their goals and get the BFP or get matched with a baby they are adopting.

But I’m tired of being left behind all the time. I’m tired of being tired of treatment. I’m tired of enduring. Out of stamina. Spent. Ready to give up.

It doesn’t help that pregnancies and pregnancy announcements are everywhere! Everywhere you look, you’ll get blindsided! DH is not spared either. The other day, he was out in the park with Simba, and he met one of our neighbors. She usually brings her toddler out for a walk around the time that DH takes Simba out. They hadn’t run into each other in a while recently. She met DH, hugged him and he asked her how things were, and where she had been. She unzipped her jacket, revealed a very pregnant bump, and said “I’ve been busy – I’m due in 10 weeks”. DH didn’t have a response for her. He came home and told me how blindsided he felt at her news. All I could think of was “Thank goodness it wasn’t me outside in the park getting to see that pregnant belly”

There is a commercial complex being constructed in a nearby downtown. I remember seeing the signs “Ready in June 2009!!”. This was early 2008 or maybe late 2007. I remember thinking “June 2009 – that’s far away. We’ll definitely be pregnant or have a baby by then!” I crossed past that construction site yesterday. There are huge buildings, almost ready for business. And then it struck me. June 2009!! It’s almost here! And me? Left behind again. Not pregnant, don’t have a baby, and in a worse mental situation that I was one year ago. Buildings have been made, and I haven’t been able to make a baby! Shame on me!

No sign of AF. No idea when she’ll show. On top of that I’ve had the worst possible cold and sore throat for the last couple of days. No fever, else I’d be sure I got the swine flu, and given my luck, I wouldn’t be surprised either! I’m sneezing and coughing and every pore of my body feels like it’s blocked and “woolly”.

And no, being all clogged up does NOT help my not so sunny disposition much! ☹

Blank

2009-04-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

I know I’ve been a bad blogger, and I apologize. I haven’t been absent intentionally, and yet, I have no real excuses. I’ve come to my blog every day, and have clicked on “New Post” several times. My fingers have hovered over the keyboard, and no words have come out. I’m just feeling blank. No other word for it. Just blank.

Is my new job keeping me that busy? Not really. My new job is just that – a new job. I have realized I’m not going to get any intellectual stimulation in this new job. And I have realized I probably cannot make a career out of being in this company. So, unless things change, I’m treating it as just a new job. I will work diligently, but I’m not hoping for or envisioning a long-term plan with this job.

Where am I with IF? Nowhere. I find myself not thinking about IF or not planning my next steps. Maybe it’s just the feeling of “snapping free” from a long and terrible 12 months of treatments, losses and failures. My chemical pregnancy was around this time last year. I was so numbed out. At that point I thought the only way forward would be upward. But no. Little did I know what was in store for me for the rest of the year.

Now? Now I’m just numb. I think it’s because right here, right now, the state I’m in, I have “hope”. No, I don’t have hope that I will have a baby at the end of this, but I have hope because I have 4 frozen embryos. My body has not yet killed the 4 embryos that we have. I feel like if I proceed with the FET, and it doesn’t work (either by way of a BFN or by way of another pregnancy loss), I wouldn’t even have that one ray of hope that I’m so desperately hanging on to right now.

And this is very unlike me too – I’m usually the kinds who barrels right ahead with any treatment, or any “next steps” that we have. But this time, it feels different. It feels like it IS the final hurrah, the last crusade. If this doesn’t work, then we don’t think we have the stamina, capability or just the patience to try any more. I may be stuck where I’ve been for 8 years – trying to conceive a child, but time hasn’t stopped. I turned 38 last month, and I do realize I’m fighting a losing battle now.

Weeks had gone past and we hadn’t talked about IF and our FET. But last week DH and I spoke for a little bit. Very tentative plans – what should we do about FET? When should we attempt it? As of now, we feel like we will probably shoot for June or July. Of course a large part of the attempt will now depend on Aunt F, and considering that I’ve subjected my body to various drugs and hormones over the last year, I’m not sure when Aunt F is going to visit. I’m on CD 21 today. I plan to call CCRM with my next AF, so see what our schedules can be like.

So we’ll see. I don’t have the capability to hope for myself anymore. I don’t have the energy or the stamina to think of new options or to ask the doctors any more questions. I’m totally out of steam and I want this nightmare to be over.

I want to wake up to a normal life. Life was not supposed to be like this. Something went terribly wrong somewhere…..

You don't have children

2009-04-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

New Manager: Do you have children?
Me: No. I have a dog, though!
New Manager: Oh – what kind of dog do you have?
Me: German shepherd.
New Manager: Whoah!!!!!
Me: …………

In my head, I was dying to continue the conversation, and the imaginary continuation was:

Me: Do YOU have kids?
New Manager: Yes.
Me: Oh, what kind of kids do you have?
New Manager: Boy (or Girl)
Me: Whoah!!!!!!!

But no, the conversation didn’t go that way. Instead this is how it went:

New Manager: Where do you live?
Me: (Telling him where I live)
New Manager: Oh yes – I know the area. Yeah, see, you don’t have children; it doesn’t matter where you live.
Me:????????????????

Why is it that my life and my existence is so inconsequential just because I don't have children? Story of our lives huh? Darn it, IF!!

Back in action

2009-04-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

I’m back in CA, back in circulation, and back to reality. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for my uncle and his family. I know they needed all the prayers they could get.

I’m glad I went and stayed with them last week, and I hope my visit helped them, even a little. My uncle had to have a tracheostomy, and has now been fitted with a tube through his throat through which he will breathe. They have also put a tube into his tummy through which he will be fed. As of now, he will be dependent on the breathing and feeding tubes for as long as he lives, unless some miracle happens and he gets strong enough to breathe and eat on his own.

It was all very emotionally draining to experience, and if it was emotional for me, I cannot even imagine how my aunt and my cousin must feel. And of course how my uncle must feel going through all this. He has been sick for the last 9 years now, and it’s always been one episode after the other, with no real diagnosis. They’ve gone through an inordinate amount in their lives, and guess what? Their struggles started with IF too! I will write about them in detail in a separate post because the perspective I have gained last week deserves its own blog post.

It was DH’s birthday last Tuesday, and I was not here, and it tore me apart to not be able to be with him that day. But we have wonderful friends, and I organized with some of them to take him out to dinner and make sure he had a nice day. The dinner was planned as a surprise for DH, and it worked pretty well!

The last couple of weeks have just zipped past! Why is it that time goes by SO SLOWLY when we’re on a treatment cycle – like the painfully long and slow days during the 2ww or during lining prep for FET, and just completely zips past otherwise? I have hardly had time to sit and think about IF, plan my next steps or anything!

In other news, my job hunt went way better than I anticipated. I got a couple of offers, and I accepted one of them, and I actually just started a new job today! I’m excited to be back in the game, and I’m proud that things moved so quickly once I had decided to look. I was so scared of facing an interview, and it so ended up that I got an offer for every interview I went for, and I did manage to do good interviews without being broken down by my IF experiences of the last year. So, as of today, I’m employed!

Fly By Updates

2009-04-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how, when IF isn't taking over your life, LIFE takes over your life! I've been busy in the last couple of weeks, focussing primarily on the job hunt. It's been a relief to just be ME. I'm enjoying being ME and not infertile me. (No, I didn't suddenly turn fertile, but I'm just not focussing on IF for the time being)

It's like there is this part of my brain that I somehow switched off - no IF thoughts, no IF conversations, no IF depression, and it feels like a weight has lifted from my soul! Instead, I'm wearing my MBA hat - sending resumes, attending interviews, negotiating offers etc. And it's a different level of energy that flows in your veins when you're not thinking IF!

I was busy with my job hunt, and suddenly I have another diversion. A family situation this time. I have an uncle who lives in NH (this is my mom's brother). My uncle has been sick off and on for the last few years. A few days ago, he got taken very ill again, and got admitted to the ICU with a collapsed lung. In a couple of days, his other lung collapsed too. He's been on the ventilator for a few days now, and his lungs aren't cooperating well at all. The doctors are planning to do a tracheotomy on him (put a tube through his throat so he can breathe), and put a food tube too. This procedure is likely to happen on Monday or Tuesday.

I am taking the red eye out to the east coast tonight to spend some time with my aunt, and to visit my uncle. They have a daughter, who is in college. She is supposed to graduate next month, and right now, is torn between her thesis and final college stuff, and having to attend to her dad in the hospital. I'm just going there to be with them, in case anyone needs any help, and to give them company, if anyone needs to vent or a shoulder to cry on.

I may not have a lot of internet time while I am there, but I will try and keep up with all of you. If I am not able to comment, please forgive me. And please send up some thoughts and prayers for my uncle so he can come through this new challenge in his life.

I will update you all when I return - perhaps later in the week.

Awww!!!!!

2009-03-31T14:23:00.000-07:00

Most of my posts in the recent past have been heavy, emotional ones. I think it's high time I put out something for people to smile at. This video made me smile - a lot! And of course reminded me of why I want a baby girl so bad!! Enjoy!

(The video is courtesy youtube - but I think it's ok to put it here since blogger and youtube are both part of google anyway!)

HORRORSCOPE

2009-03-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

I’m struggling with what and how much to tell my parents about the complexity of my IF struggles. I mean, they ~know~ we’ve been trying. They ~know~ we’ve been through “treatment”, and they know about my pregnancy losses (well – they know about the m/c and the ectopic. I didn’t tell them about my chemical pg, because my mom was stressing out a lot at the time, and later it didn’t make sense to)

They know we are seeing a doctor in Denver, and they know my “treatment” was getting postponed week by week, and they know that we called the cycle off and are now on a break from TTC. And they have been very supportive through it all. Obviously they love us and hurt for us, and obviously they find themselves helpless but still want to help.

While I keep them vaguely informed of stuff, I don’t go into too many details. For various reasons, I can’t. One reason being that there is a huge “language barrier” – no, it’s not that my parents and I don’t speak the same language. Of course we do, but my mom’s English is not that great, and I don’t know how to explain IF terms in my mother tongue. I mean, how do you say IVF or FET or Balanced Translocation in any language but English? So I sort of try and explain in as simple a way as I can – like telling them that “They take my eggs out, and they “make” embryos in the lab.” They know that our embryos are frozen right now – I don’t know how much of that they understand, but I’m ok with them not understanding everything. They don’t have to – I think it might scare them knowing all the details of our procedures.

There is also the reason of being protective towards DH and him towards me. I never told my parents about his BT. I didn’t want anyone to feel or say anything about him, even unintentionally. We have enough challenges in our lives, and really don’t want added dimensions on top of our complexities!

And then there is the whole “comfort” issue. How can I talk to my parents about vaginal ultrasounds, or DH’s sperm, or fertilization, or some of the completely shamelessly invasive stuff we go through? Some people may be comfortable talking to their parents about everything, but I never could.

So anyway, now they know that we have stopped our “treatment” in Denver. They also know that we’re looking for work, and that the economy is so tight right now. I understand that they want to help, and I don’t know how to explain to them that the best help they can extend is by staying supportive and not intruding.

Some of you may know how big astrology and horoscope reading is in India. Many marriages are finalized only when the boy’s and girl’s horoscopes “match”. Many parents get their children’s horoscopes made when the child is born. Many important decisions are taken “when the time is right.” Many ventures, and trips are started “when the stars are right.” Of course marriages happen “at an auspicious day and time.”

My parents thankfully were never the kinds who went very strictly by horoscopes. They have always been a good mixture of tradition and practicality. They didn’t even get our horoscopes made – they always told us (my siblings and me) that what we made of our lives was up to us.

So what my mother did recently shocked me, and made me realize how much of an effect my IF has on my parents.

She got our horoscopes made, and sent them to one of her friends who specializes in astrology. And she told me that she had done this. I protested. I told her it didn’t make sense. I told her it would just make me feel superstitious if my FET date didn’t match her “good dates”. And I don’t need superstition added to the mix of all my stress anyway. And I tried to tell her that. I said she could find out and keep the dates for herself if it made her feel relaxed.

Last night she told me she heard from her friend. And she proceeded to tell me that the time is good for us right now. I told her I am not going back to Denver right now – she said she meant that our time is good now for a few months, and chances are very high that I will conceive.

It’s like this added pressure you know? I mean, I’m not angry at my mom, and I’m not complaining, so don’t get me wrong. She is doing what she can do – and this is out of even her comfort zone, but she’s doing it because she’s helpless to do anything else, and she hurts for us.

But I’m struggling with how to tell her to not “pressure” us this way. Or should I just listen and keep quiet - let them assume I'm following their suggestion? What would you do? I don’t want to offend her, but I do want her to understand. Any suggestions?

God made his presence felt...

2009-03-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

I’ve mentioned this so many times in the past. Over the last few years, I’ve had an on-again, off-again relationship with God. I’m Hindu by religion, and as is well known, Hindus have hundreds, or maybe even thousands of Gods that they pray to. Growing up, my parents were never very forceful about religion. I grew up with reverence to a higher power, but never very ritualistic about religion. Hinduism does tend to be very ritualistic. Then I married someone from a completely different region of India, and suddenly, there was a whole new set of Gods that came into the picture. His family is extremely ritualistic, and so along with a new set of Gods, there was a whole new set of “rules” and rituals that came into the mix.

Ours has never been a very traditional marriage in any case, and in this aspect too, it was never any different. DH and I developed a “respect for God”, but no forceful rituals, and with no choice of one God over the others.

So we were never very religious to start with. Yes, we go to the temple once in a while, and we pray, and that is the extent of us being religious. Our routine has usually been to “say Hi to God” once a day, mostly in the morning, right after we shower.

Then IF happened to us. At first I prayed more fervently. I promised many things to God. Hindus believe in “vowing” to do something if God grants their wishes. So yes, I vowed to do a lot of things, but my wishes never came true. We begged, pleaded, promised, cried, and tried everything we could, but nothing happened.

Then I got pregnant. We thanked God over and over again – God was listening to us! Our wishes were being granted! Finally!

Then I miscarried. Not knowing where to turn, I blamed everything on God. We closed the doors to our temple (most Hindus have a little “temple” area in our homes, where we keep our deities etc. Ours is in a linen closet! ☺ ) We didn’t pray for weeks, even though it felt odd, but we were at such odds with God, that we couldn't bring ourselves to prayer.

Over the last year and a half, I’ve gone back to praying, but I have stopped asking for anything in particular. I pray for others more than I do for myself now. And of late I’ve been trying to believe in the thought that God has a plan for me, even though I can’t see what it is.

And then God made His/Her presence felt in a way that only God can.

On this last Sunday, DH went off-roading with some of his friends. I met some friends for brunch, and then came back home. I tried calling DH several times that afternoon but couldn’t get through to him. Then finally, I got a call from DH a few hours later that they had had an accident and that our friend’s SUV had lost balance while going downhill on a rocky terrain. The SUV had rolled over 5-6 times down the hill until it finally stopped in a ravine. DH and 3 other people were in the vehicle. The glass windows had all shattered, the roof of the SUV had crumbled and caved inwards, and the vehicle was totaled.

Miraculously the 4 friends walked out relatively unhurt. DH got a gash on his head, the owner of the SUV got a muscle injury in his back, and the others got away with minor aches and pains and bruises. Of course, paramedics were called, and our friend whose back went out was airlifted to the closest ER. DH and the other 2 friends were taken in an ambulance. They didn't have cell phone reception till a couple of hours after the accident - till they were in the ambulance, on the way to the ER, and that's when DH called me.

All this happened 90 miles away, and I had to drive out there to bring them home from the ER. My heart sank when I heard what DH was saying, but the fact that he was ~there~ - talking to me – his voice gave me the strength to remain calm as I drove out there.

It could have been much worse. I shudder to think what would happen if that phone call I got brought news any different than what it did. I shudder to think of DH (and of course our friends) in that SUV, rolling downhill. Anything could have happened. They could have been thrown out of the vehicle and crushed. They could have got broken bones, and got injured severely.

When I reached the hospital and saw DH, I was trembling with the realization that we were so darned lucky that day. It could have been fatal. God truly had his hand over that vehicle that day.

I have been quick to whine and complain about my problems in life, and in the process, I was taking some things for granted. The events on Sunday made me re-assess everything, and made me realize the value of what I have in life. We have been so caught up in our failures that we have forgotten to enjoy each other, and we have forgotten to be thankful for each other’s company and the love and strength in our relationship.

I truly feel like that was a wake up call from God for us to sit up and take notice of everything that has been given to us. I am reminded of a hymn we used to sing in school:

Count your blessings,
Name them one by one
And it will surprise you
What the Lord has done.

Amen to that. I think it’s time for me to look at my life and count my blessings.

Blogoversary and me...

2009-03-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my silence. I am usually not the quiet type of person. I talk talk talk all the time, and my need to express myself is pretty high. But the last week (or couple of weeks) has been very exhausting. It’s taking me a long time to process my thoughts and feelings, and even at the end of processing everything, I’m not sure of my thoughts and feelings.

To begin with – it’s my blogoversary today. I started my blog on 3/24/08 – I wrote a couple of introductory posts and then disappeared till July. So July was when I really started writing regularly, but this blog was created a year ago today.

And as I look back over the year, I realize I’m still in exactly the same place. It’s like being on a treadmill. You run, you’re tired, but physically you’re stationary. You’re in the same place. I’m totally tired and worn out, but nowhere near where I imagined I would be. Almost everyone I know in real life is one of the following:

a) Pregnant

b) Has just delivered a baby

c) Has a child (or two or even three)

d) Not in TTC mode (yet)

Me? Here is where I am:

e) None of the above

The whole experience has left me feeling very distastefully bitter. I have said this time and again, and at the risk of sounding like a broken record I will say it again – but I don’t find myself being able to hope any more. I don’t know how to even visualize myself with a baby anymore. I can’t picture a baby in my arms. I can’t picture a baby crawling on the floors of this house. I can’t picture us getting baby furniture. Or maybe I just stopped picturing it all.

Then I read Mamasoon’s blog post, where she asks us all to tell her what we really really want. I opened the comment box, and it struck me how numbed my “wants” have become. I had to take myself back in my head to years ago, to when I used to dream about having babies, or *gasp* DARE to have a preference of a boy or a girl!

It may be a “Grapes are sour” syndrome that I’m suffering from, but right now, I am actually wondering if I even want a baby at the end of all this. There, I said it! I don’t know if I want a baby any more. I have let myself get so entrenched in the cycles of TTC, and in getting on the schedule all the time, that in the process, I seem to have lost the softer side of a desire for a baby.

Where am I in terms of this FET, and with our decisions? In limbo. And to add to the complexity of 8 years of TTC and repeated failures and losses, I now am very strongly distrustful of my body. I met a couple of dear friends on Sunday and as we were talking about my next steps, I said: “I am probably tending towards a gestational carrier because my body will not be able to screw up that pregnancy.” I don’t really know how to proceed ahead right now. I suppose things will fall in place over the next few weeks / months, and I should let that happen and not start trying to imagine scenarios right now.

I did start looking out for jobs pretty aggressively. I had one interview last week, and I got an offer. It was not a great role or salary or company, and I’m not excited about it much, but yes, I am very grateful that I got an offer so quickly in this economy. I’m also very happy that I was able to sustain the interview without falling apart thinking about the last year. I may not take this job, but it did help me with restoring my confidence a little. Now, if only I can get something a little more decent, I'd be very very happy!

Decision Time.

2009-03-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

We are back from Denver. Things went well as far as the hysteroscopy was concerned. Dr. Schoolcraft said he didn’t expect to see any scar tissue or adhesions, but he wanted to make sure for himself, just in case he was wrong. He was right, there were no adhesions or scar tissue in the uterus. They did another 3-D u/s after the hysteroscopy. The size, shape, volume of my uterus all looks good.

Then we sat with Dr. Sch to hear his recommendations and to discuss next steps. He strongly feels we should give my uterus a fair enough try, and that we should not start considering a gestational carrier at this point.

I asked him if the D&Cs that I’ve had in the last couple of years could be causing my lining to be thin, and he agreed. He said about 10% women get impacted by D&C procedures and the effect shows on the lining being thin, and it does appear to be the case with me, and that I just had some “bad luck” in being part of that 10%. (Of course I told him it was just “more bad luck” because I seem to fall on the “bad luck” side of things way too often.)

He also said that he would be willing to do a transfer in my case even if we can get the lining up to 6mm to 6.5mm. He doesn’t think my uterus will make a lining thicker than that anymore. He said he’s seen pregnancies occur even with a lining as thin as 5 mm, but those are pretty rare (and I guess that would require an inordinate amount of luck, which we all know I do not have). He also said he looked back at my records, and he said they should have noticed this from the beginning, but somehow overlooked it. This is what has been recorded:

Sep 2008 (When I went for my 1 day work up) I was on CD8 and my lining was 2.9mm. He said that should have been the first indication that we could have potential problems with lining. Usually by CD8, women have linings much thicker than 2.9 mm.

Jan 2009 – During my IVF stim phase, right before ER. The thickest my lining got to was 6mm. This with the tons of estrogen in my body, and with all the stim injections pumping everything up. That was another indication

Feb / March 2009 – Prepping for FET. The best we got to was 5.4mm.

With this history over the last 6 months, he doesn’t think I will end up with anything much thicker, and if I get even 1 mm over 6 or 6.5, that will be “icing on the cake”.

So I should be excited, right? Dr. Schoolcraft is giving me hope. He, the wizard of IF, who has given several people very straight shooting advice to stop trying with their own eggs or their own uterus etc. Instead of telling me to give up trying, he dismissed my suggestion of using a surrogate, saying I need to give my uterus another chance before I move on with those decisions. So I should be relieved and excited, right?

I’m not.

Because this leaves the decision back on us. Now we need to decide if and when we want to try again. I asked the nurse, and she looked at the dates and told me if I try with my next cycle, it would be around the end of April when we get to do a transfer.

I’m confused. On the one hand I need to close this chapter one way or another and move on with my life. I’ve put too much on hold for way too long. On the other, with every week and every month, we’re depleting more and more of our savings, and coming closer to a huge financial crisis in our lives. We need to get an income coming into the house very soon. The company DH launched is not generating any revenue yet, and while that may suddenly change and become a revenue generating company, we can’t sit and wait for it to happen. Therefore I need to step out and find a job immediately. And honestly, I don’t think I can really start a job and be prepping for a FET within the first few weeks on the job.

DH has some valid points as well. He feels that at least right now we have the hope of a transfer in the future. Supposing we do the FET and it fails, or I get pregnant and I miscarry, I will be in a much worse mental condition than I am right now. And with that mental condition, I may not even be able to find a job, and get anything back on track.

Also, achieving a pregnancy is not the goal. The goal is to sustain the pregnancy and have a baby at the end of it. Right now, with all the financial stress I’m under, it may not be a right time for me to be pregnant anyway. Yes, shocking realization, but the point is, with every month, we have been digging deeper into our savings. Had I got pregnant months ago, things would have been totally different. But with one thing after the other happening, we kept having to wait month after month after month.

So, as difficult as it is, I think our decision is clear. I need to get some other parts of my life back on track, and put this FET on hold for a few months, while I look for jobs, find something, get my brain, and my bank account a little more in control.

I know I’m sounding very calm and collected and mature about this decision. But believe me, I’m feeling far from that. There is nothing that I want more than to complete this cycle, and hopefully be pregnant and put the last 8 years behind me.

I had a big meltdown on the flight back from Denver last night. Thankfully it was a flight at night, and the lights were turned off, and I hope passengers in the rows in front and behind me couldn’t hear me sobbing. I don’t want to not be able to do FET right now next month, but I don’t have an option. I am very angry with DH for saying these logical things to me, and making me think practically. Yes, of course, one needs to be sensible, but what does one do when one doesn’t WANT to be sensible?

I don’t want to stop TTC, even for a few months, but I have to. So I have reached out to a bunch of people this morning, asking them for leads on jobs. For any of my readers from the Bay Area, CA - please let me know if you can help me with my job hunt. We can discuss it offline, and I can send you my resume. I will be much obliged for any help that I can get.

Hysteroscopy scheduled

2009-03-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

Drug free – yay, I’m drug free!! So THIS is what “normal” feels like! I’d almost forgotten what it’s like to not have to take ANY drugs at all! (OK – but for my BP meds)

I have even stopped my pre-natals and folic acid for now. I took permission from the nurse of course, and I told her I really wanted to live a few days without having to take anything TTC related.

And I also have some updates on our next steps. On Wednesday, after calling the cycle off, DH and I spoke. We talked about how soon we want to move on with hysteroscopy and regrouping with the doctors etc. And we decided that we would do the hysteroscopy and regroup now, fresh off of the lining issue, and based on the findings of the hysteroscopy, we will decide when and how we want to proceed further.

So yesterday I emailed the nurse asking her if I needed to wait for AF to schedule the hysteroscopy. Considering my lining is so pathetically thin anyway, it didn’t make sense to me to wait to schedule it in the first half of my next cycle (Hysteroscopies are scheduled between CD5 and CD11 so that the uterine lining is not too thick). She checked with Dr Sch and confirmed back that I could schedule my hysteroscopy immediately if we want to. Also, if we were scheduling it, I need not get onto the progesterone suppositories to bring on AF.

Today we got everything scheduled. We are going to Denver on Tuesday. I have my hysteroscopy scheduled for the afternoon. After the procedure, Dr. Schoolcraft will spend some time with DH and me, going over the findings and his suggestions for next steps.

If he says it’s something that can be fixed easily, then they will try and squeeze everything in during that trip itself. i.e. If I have to have surgery, we will stay on in Denver for a couple of days and get the procedure done. We already have a hotel room booked (which we have been postponing week by week for the last month or so) {Remember my $34 a night hotel deal?? That’s the one I’m talking about!}

If he finds nothing wrong with the uterus, then we will discuss with him what our next steps should be. If we don’t have to stay for any further procedures, we fly back the same night.

In the meantime, I have started reaching out within my network to see if there are any jobs available. I’m feeling a little better mentally, and yes, now, when I look back, it was the right thing to do to call off the cycle. Thank you all of you for your support the other day. It's relieving to know everyone agreed that I wasn't being foolish calling the cycle off.

Called off........

2009-03-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

We called it all off. Yup – that’s right. We’ve pulled the plug on this cycle, and have decided to step aside for a bit.

Why? I was doing my normal injections / patches / suppositories / acupuncture routine, and what happened suddenly? Well, we spoke with our nurse today at CCRM. We asked her a few questions and asked her to check with Dr Schoolcraft for his opinion.

a) What did Dr Schoolcraft think of my lining and the miserable progress it was making?
b) What could be the effects (on me) from being on Lupron for so long? (This is now my 7th week on Lupron)
c) What could be the effect of long term Lupron, long-term estrogen, and yet a thin lining on the outcome of the transfer itself.
d) On Monday – if my lining reaches say 7mm, would they still keep me on medication for as long as it takes to get the lining up to a minimum of 8mm?

Remember that last week Dr. Schoolcraft wasn’t there, and Dr. Surrrey had taken the call to keep me going? Well, this Monday, my nurse wasn’t there, and the back up nurse had called with instructions. So for the last 2 calls from CCRM, it wasn’t the same 2 people taking the call and making the call.

My nurse said she would discuss with Dr Sch one more time and call back. She would also tell Dr Sch that I think it may be my uterus developing scar tissue after the surgery, because I’ve never had a lining problem before.

So she spoke with Dr Sch and called back. Dr Sch said that if we think my uterus could have scar tissue, the only way to find out would be to do a hysteroscopy and check. And she asked him what effect the long term use of Lupron could have on the outcome of this transfer, and he said our option was to stop the cycle now, because obviously there was some sort of an issue. My E2 was already pretty high (almost 1300 last week) and my lining was way too thin for that level of E2.

When the nurse called back, I decided to quit. This cycle has been stressful enough already. I was sure I did not want to deal with rushing into transfer based on emotions, while knowing fully well that my lining really is not adequate, and even if we get the lining to a thicker place, my hormones are messed up. More so, mentally, my stress levels are way too high. Given this, if the FET failed, CCRM could just say that it was because I had had to prep my lining for so long, or that I had been on Lupron for so long etc.

I don’t want to waste my embryos – just getting genetically normal embryos is a huge uphill task for us. They are way too precious to be wasted on a cycle that is not turning out to be ideal. I don’t want to take any chances – and I don’t want to have to deal with any regrets later. And if I went ahead with this cycle, and it if it didn’t work, I would have regretted it for sure.

So I quit.

What now? Now I get on to the lovely progesterone suppositories to bring on AF. Once AF is here, we will probably plan to go to Denver for the hysteroscopy. We could wait for a cycle or two, but I think doing the hysteroscopy now will help us be able to plan ahead. If there is scar tissue, then we need to ask Dr Sch what he plans to do. If there isn’t then we can decide if we want to try for another cycle and just hope that my lining this cycle was just a fluke of a cycle.

I am feeling strangely liberated. Relaxed. I don’t know if I’m relaxed because I don’t have to do those meds anymore and the stress of this cycle is gone, or because FINALLY I got to control something!!!??? Perhaps a little of both. I was so tired of feeling completely out of control – pretty much the entire last 12 months. It was feeling like I was living on instructions from doctors, and there was NOTHING that I could decide and do on my own. It felt good to take a call on something.

Yes of course, in the last 4 hours since that call, I have asked DH 400 times if he thinks I made the right decision. I’ve doubted my decision many times, and right now is when I have to do my Lupron shot. I’m sitting here, not doing it. I hope it’s the right decision…..

And the roller coaster continues

2009-03-09T16:47:00.000-07:00

I'm here. Hanging in there. I think I needed to vent, and get my feelings out on paper yesterday. Thank you all for the hugs and support. Although I'm sad to realize that so many of you get what I mean, because you've been there yourselves, yet, it is comforting to know that so many of you get it.

DH took me out for dinner yesterday, we spent some time talking. I know he gets it, and I know he would do anything to make me happy, but I also know that nothing can fix this pain - not till we come to the end of our journey, either with a baby, biological or otherwise, or after having closed this chapter entirely.

Many of you suggested antidepressants and counseling. I will look into it if need be. For now, I want to try and focus on the positives in my life, and try and make myself come out of my funk.

I went for my u/s this morning. I was so sure my stubborn stuck lining would still be at 4.9mm, and even my RE smiled a sorry smile when he walked into the room and saw me sitting there. But lo and behold - my stubborn lining is waking up! It measured 5.4 mm today, and is finally even showing the tri-phasic pattern.

So I'm back to my routine of Estrace suppositories, Delestrogen injections, Vivelle patches, acupuncture and I go back in one week for blood work and u/s. Back to my next one week installment of this FET cycle!

I'm happy that my lining moved, even if it means another week of hanging on to whatever little hope I can muster.

My next u/s is next Monday, which is also my 38th birthday. It could be a happy birthday for me, or it could end up pushing me into a funk again. We'll see. I've been on Lupron since 1/27 - I'm ready to get off it now - one way or another!

Full disclosure

2009-03-08T14:27:00.000-07:00

Warning: This post may turn out to be too dark and depressing for many people. If you’re in a low place, don’t read this post.
If after reading this post, you feel the urge to comment saying “Stay positive”, please consider not leaving me a comment. I don’t want to be told to stay positive anymore. It just makes me feel like more of a failure – I try to stay positive and I fail at even doing that!

Several people read my blog. Some I have known since elementary and high school. Some I went to college or grad school with. Some I made friends with after college. Some I “met” online on message boards or in the blogosphere. Some I met in real life through the IF community. I am finding it easier to confess / admit my dark emotions to people in the blogging world, and to those that I met through the IF community than to my other friends who have known me from before my infertility.

For people that have known me from before I became this manic-depressive miserable failure of a person, it’s hard for me to admit my state of mind. Every time someone asks me “How are you?”, I answer “I’m ok.” I wonder how it would be if I really started venting saying “I’m not ok”.

Many of you have told me I’m a strong woman. I’m not feeling that strong anymore. I’m feeling like I’m in such a dark place right now, and I have no idea how to get out of there.

I find myself wanting to say no to every invitation, every hint of getting together with friends. On the rare occasion that I do agree to go and meet up with people, I find myself projecting my strong face. I have a strong face that I show to people, I laugh, joke, kid about things. And then I come home. My silent empty home. Back to my failures and deep dark abyss of not knowing what to do.

And then there’s the face of me that I see in the mirror everyday. I see a lonely, sad, lost, spent and tired person looking back at me. The face that wants to just give up, and by give up I don’t mean I want to give up on TTC. I want to give up on life. Everything seems like too much of an effort. I’m just tired of living. That’s it. Sometimes, I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just die.

I feel like such a failure. In every aspect. I feel like a failure as a woman. I feel like a failure as a daughter, wife, daughter in law. I feel like a failure in my career. I feel like a totally crumpled person.

My zodiac sign is Pisces. Many many years ago, I remember reading somewhere about the symbolism of the zodiac signs. Pisces has 2 fishes – in opposing direction. And in the description it had said that Pisces are governed by two driving forces: One that fights and swims upstream, and one that just goes with the flow and ends up downstream. Sometimes a Piscean has to struggle very hard to keep swimming upstream, against the odds.

I’m reminded of that symbolism very often. I kept telling myself I’m doing my best to swim upstream. There is adversity in life, yes. And I’m trying to not get swept away by it. But of late, every force in my life seems to be very strongly pushing me downstream. I don’t have the energy, the strength or even the will left to fight and swim against the odds. I’m feeling very defeated right now.

People say I should stay positive. They don’t live my life. They don’t tell me how I should stay positive. Or even why I should stay positive. What has staying positive brought me? I have nothing to show for each time I have picked my broken spirit up from the floor and gone ahead strongly to my next step. I have nothing to show for each time I have been strong and have endured one failure after the other. I have nothing to show for anything.

Yet, what people see is a smiling face. I get so many comments on my pictures on FB that I look young or pretty or relaxed, or how I’m “smiling through life”. Why can’t my outside face look like what my inner person feels like? My inner person feels like sh** - why don’t people see that?

I’m scared. I’m so scared of everything in my life right now. I’m scared of where my career has gone. I’m scared that it will never recover. I’m scared that my FET won’t work. Hell, I’m even scared that it WILL work. I’m scared of being pregnant. I’m scared of what problems are going to crop up next for me to deal with. I don’t trust my body to carry a pregnancy through safely. It had 3 chances, and it failed to “deliver” on all three. I’m scared of what I’m doing to my body with all the hormones and medications I’m pumping into it. I’m scared of where I am physically, emotionally and financially.

I’m terrified of life and of living, and I don’t know what to do.

Stubborn lining, hopeful clinic!!!

2009-03-05T15:17:00.000-08:00

My post title sounds like "Crouching tiger, hidden dragon" or something!

Well - here we are. Lining is still at 4.9!!! I don't know what the f*** is going on now. We walked out of there today - not feeling angry or disappointed or upset or anything. Both DH and I are feeling tired and resigned. I don't have the stamina to keep plowing on anymore.

I'm tired of making plan B all the time, and then having to follow plan B because plan A never works out! I'm tired of putting my life on hold and living on weekly installments from one appointment to another, from one shot to another, from one disappointment to another. In the process we are wiping out our savings, and creating another crisis in our lives.

The nurse called from CCRM and said Dr Surrey reviewed my case today as Dr Schoolcraft wasn't in. Dr. Su wants to give it another week. He apparently had a "difficult" patient like me, and her lining grew eventually. I told the nurse I didn't want to wait a week before knowing the outcome, so we decided to do an u/s on Monday next week instead of Thursday.

On Monday, if my lining is still hanging where it is, she is talking to Dr Schoolcraft and we're taking a final decision. Dr Sch will be in on Monday.

I don't even know how to react now. The ONLY reason I have agreed to try this one last time is because I have all the drugs available at home, so there's no extra effort or expense or craziness involved.

No I'm not upset or anything, even now. I'm just plain fed up. Sick and tired, fed up and ready to move on with my life. I'm turning 38 in a few days. I NEVER thought this is how my life would be 8 years ago when we started out TTC.

Awards

2009-03-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

Award # 1

Sue, Bunny and Margelina nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award and I think I must be the last person in the blog world to come around to writing the honest scraps. EVERYONE has done it recently! :-)

So here goes:

The Rules:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 honest things about myself:

1) Nikki is not my real name. My real name is a Sanskrit word which means "the moon". It's a short name, and thankfully doesn't get very twisted in America!

2) My DH spoils me. Rotten. I admit - I am completely spoilt. And I love it! :-)

3) DH and I love watching Food Network and HGTV. We can watch these channels for hours!

4) All of my education has been in Catholic institutions. I've never been in a public education system. Catholic School, Catholic college, and even my MBA in a missionary institute!

5) My undergrad is in Biology. I had a blast at college! By far the best days of my life. Everything was so simple and easy then - no stress, nothing to worry about. Simple pleasures and so much fun!

6) DH and I came to the US in 1999, and now, when I look back, I am SO grateful I live here! If I had to deal with IF, this is the best place to do it. I have access to the best doctors, RE, resources, and I have all the privacy in the world to do my treatments. Back home, the neighbors, the neighbor's aunt, the guy across the street and his grandma - EVERYONE would be interested in what's going on.

7) I started writing my blog last year, and today, I am so glad I did. The support I get from the blogosphere is enough to get me through my toughest challenges. Through my blog I met Shelby, and she introduced me to a group of fantastic ladies, all of who are dealing with IF. This group now meets up once every few weeks, and these meetings keep me sane. We talk, share each others' progress, laugh, eat, drink (sometimes!!) and have a great time. I speak for myself - I am so grateful for these ladies, and I'm eternally thankful to Shelby for having introduced me!

8) IF has ruined my body image, and my self esteem. I quit my job in Feb last year, and now that I am thinking of getting back into the job market, I'm terrified just thinking about interviews. I can only imagine myself breaking down into tears if asked "What have you done since Feb 2008"? I have no idea how to repair my broken self esteem.

9) I know that I am mentally at the end of my rope as far as TTC is concerned. Once we are done with these 4 blastocysts - whether or not they take us to success, I'm done. I can't do this any more. I'm tired.

10) I am very scared of growing old childless.

I am not going to list blogs that I want to nominate, because, like I said, I think everyone has recently done a post on their honest scraps! If you haven't, please consider yourself nominated!!

Award # 2

Lisa nominated me for the Sisterhood Award - thank you so much Lisa! You are all my sisters, and I don't know what I would do without you ladies!

The rules for accepting the award are as follows:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate:

1) Shelby

2) Darya

3) MLG - Believe N Miracles

4) Davs

5) Sue

6) Caroline

7) Clio

8) Momsoon

9) Mylifechronicles

10) JJ

11) Chhandita

(I know I was supposed to nominate 10 people, but I went ahead and nominated more!)

The big guns acupuncture sessions

2009-03-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

Everything! I'm willing to try everything! And suddenly, my sunny disposition is back too! For now at least. I'm feeling more positive this week, and I hope Thursday's u/s brings good news!

I went for acupuncture on Saturday. I didn't go back to the same acupuncturist I had used last year, because from what I had read on other blogs and message boards, it didn't seem like my acupuncturist was focusing on IF too much. For example, he never put any needles anywhere on my abdomen. He only put needles in my legs and hands. This time, since I need such focussed, urgent and immediate help, I decided to look for someone different.

So I picked another acupuncturist, and she is much closer to home for me, and her website talked about IF all over the place.

What a world of difference! I've had 2 sessions so far, and man, her approach is SO different. She put needles on my tummy, legs, head, forehead, and hands. She put 2 little needles in my right ear as well. Then she connected come electricity to some of the needles in my tummy, and switched on some infrared type lamps. The electricity sends little tremors into the body. She turned the lights out, switched on very soothing music, and as I was drifting in and out of sleep, she stood next to me with a lit moxa stick heating my tummy. I had never seen or heard of a moxa stick before, so for others like me who don't know what it is - it looks like a lit cigar. It has a peculiar smell - sort of incense like, only more herbal.

When I was done, she took off all the needles but for the ones in my ear. She said I should keep them on if I could tolerate them. If they bothered me, I could remove them. They aren't the regular acupuncture needles, but really tiny ones. On the outside they look like tiny bandaids, with needles on the other side sticking into my ear. I still have those on! I thought they would bother me while sleeping, but I can't even feel them. When I wash my hair, I put cling wrap on my ear, tape it up and take a shower! :-)

I went back to her yesterday, and she did all the same stuff as she did on Saturday, and in addition, she did acupuncture on my back (errrr - my butt actually). I've never heard of butt acupuncture and I told her that. She said it's usually used to help people with kidney issues, but since the pelvic region is behind the butt, she wanted to make sure I got energy from both sides!

Bunny had mentioned someone told her to have "bone soup" to make a thick lining. DH even made me some Paya (it's an Indian/Pakistani soup made from goat trotters). I usually hate it, but I asked him to make it and I ate it for 2 meals, just in case it actually helps!

Like I said - I'm willing to do EVERYTHING. And with all of this, and estrace suppositories, and delestrogen injections, and vivelle patches, my lining had better be thickening up!!

I see the acupuncturist tomorrow, and I have my u/s on Thursday. Let's see what news Thursday brings. But I'm feeling a stronger positive vibe. I hope my gut is right.

Lisa - thanks for the award. I will write about it tomorrow, along with the 300 honest scraps that I still have to write! I've been so bad with awards lately - I'm so sorry, but I will do it tomorrow for sure!

Answers to some questions

2009-02-27T17:15:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much to all of you for responding to my last post. I loved all the WTF responses! Sometimes that's all one needs to put a smile on ones face. That and maybe a few shots of tequila would put a nice big smile on ones face. But oh, no alcohol, sorry. :-)

Today is a new day, and I've been doing a lot of thinking. With the amount of estrogen being pumped into my body right now, it's a little hard to even think straight actually. But I'm trying.

First and foremost - a lining problem is a trivial problem in the large scheme of things. I understand that. The bigger battle has been fought and won. We have 4 normal blasts on ice waiting for us. They aren't going anywhere. Therefore we do have the luxury of time.

Having said that, it brings me back to the fact that I now have a lining problem. That bothers me because I never had a problem making a lining before. While it's a small thing, it's just one more problem to tackle. Every time we find a problem and fix it, and we think that we've identified the issue, and NOW things will get better, a new problem pops up. Every single time. And like some of you said - it takes a lot of stamina to get up and face a new issue with everything else that's going on!

Some of you asked me if it could be because of the fact that my surgery was so recent. Answer: I don't know. My surgery was 4 months ago, at the end of October. If I get cancelled next week, and we have to start all over again, will I make a better lining? I don't know.

My gut feel? I feel that the surgery could be causing my uterus to scar. My body creates scar tissue. I know that from my knee injury / surgeries. I had one knee surgery, and it ended up becoming 4 knee surgeries because of the scarring that kept happening. I knew that, and I had told Dr. Sch that I was worried about doing the surgery because my uterus may develop scar tissue. (He had said if there is scarring, it happens immediately after the surgery, and to prevent that, he was using that balloon {remember my fan pull tail?}) And it's not just the one surgery. I've had a couple of D&Cs as well. Now I don't know if my uterus is developing scar tissue or not. But I feel like this may be the reason. And if this is the reason, then I probably won't make a thicker lining next month either.

Tori - you asked about Viagra. I asked the nurse last week when I was being postponed the first time. She said being on Viagra for one week may not make a difference. At that time she was pretty sure the estrace suppositories was all my body needed.

I have always talked about how my body responds well to medication, haven't I? Well, apparently it doesn't. I mean, to not grow even 1mm after being a week on estrace is weird. Strongblonde, you asked if they measured multiple times. Yes, the RE measured again and again. My uterus is retroverted and sometimes it's hard to get a lining measurement, so he takes several readings each time any way.

How am I doing? I know some of you have said time and again that I need to think positively. You know, I can't make myself do that. I'm a rational person, and I like to keep my hopes up, but I like to be realistic. If I feel positive, great, and if I don't, I can't make myself do it. And my gut is not jumping up and down with positivity right now. We'll see how it does over the course of the week. In the meantime, I'm doing all the medication etc that is required. And I'm doing it all diligently.

So I'm doing ok. I'm willing to give it one more week. But I'm being realistic about it. If I grow a beautiful lining next week, HURRAH!! If I don't, I'm taking a break. The entire past year has been devoted to IVFs and in the process, I have reduced myself to nothing but my IF. I have let it shake my self esteem, my confidence in my body, in my abilities. If next week brings bad news, then I'm going to side-step a little. I need to take a breather, regain some of my life back.

Still a no-go

2009-02-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to process my failure right now, and I don't know what to say.

My lining today was still at 4.9 mm. EXACTLY the same as last week. My local RE (he's been helping with all my monitoring here) said he's sorry. He thinks it could be because of the surgery, because he knows how my lining has grown for 3 IVF cycles with him.

We walked out of the clinic assuming we were being cancelled. I didn't even do my morning dose of estrace today.

And the nurse called - pretty late by their usual routine. It was after 5 PM in CO when she called. And she said they want to try me for one more week. I was expecting to be cancelled, but she said lets try it one more time.

So now I have to continue my 4 patches every other day, increase the estrace suppository to three times a day, and add an intramuscular estrogen injection twice a week to the mix. If the lining still hasn't responded by next week, I'm getting cancelled. I also decided to do acupuncture, even if it is absolutely last minute. But I need any help that it can give me at this stage. I've scheduled an appointment for Saturday.

I'm tired of the games IF is playing with me. EVERY fucking thing that can go wrong, HAS gone wrong at some point or the other. EVERY damn thing! This morning DH and I actually had a very serious conversation about possibly proceeding further with a GC. Someone with a proven womb. Not me. My womb can't be trusted.

I'm giving it this last one week for things to improve. If not, I give up. I don't have the stamina to fight any more. I'm tired and I need a break.

I have a lot of things on my mind, and will write a more detailed and coherent post later. Right now my thoughts are rushing out over each other, and I'm feeling very jumbled, defeated and confused.

My uterus can't grow a lining - how on earth will it grow a whole baby???

2/24/2009

2009-02-24T12:34:00.000-08:00

I shouldn’t be here right now writing this. Today shouldn’t have been the way it is. I should have been 40 weeks pregnant, in active labor, or waiting to be in labor, or with a brand new infant. Nothing about this should have turned out the way it did.

I still have a copy of the “Save the date” email I sent to my brother, sister and their spouses: “The bun is in the oven. It is expected to be ready on 2/24/09”.

The oven turned out to be faulty, and the poor bun has long since gone, and is nowhere close to being ready.

Prima facie, life has moved on. But when you look, only time has moved on. I’m still where I was when all of this started. We wanted a baby then. We still want a baby now. We are still here, wanting, and waiting.

And sadly, my third loss didn’t even get a fitting tribute from me. All I felt was stunned anger. With my first loss I was a heartbroken mess. With my second, deep deep sadness (albeit with the “solace” that it was a chemical pregnancy, and under normal circumstances we may not have known that it had even happened). The third loss – nothing. Just plain anger and frustration.

I reasoned with myself that I didn’t react the same way with my third loss as with my first because we had not got to see a heartbeat ever. Whatever be the reason, my baby did not get the love and honor it deserved – not even from me, and I feel bad about that today.

I write poems when I’m emotional – and I wrote and dedicated one each to my first and second losses (they are here and on my side bar). But I have not written poetry since then. I have no words to describe the numbness in my heart.

And yet, I’ve stayed addicted to hope, trying to plod on and come out victorious over IF. That’s what took us to CCRM and through this excruciatingly long last IVF cycle. That was June/July 2008, and this is the end of Feb 2009. Long IVF cycle, yes?

I had been making myself feel totally positive for the FET. Then my cousin’s news came and threw me into a funk mentally. And then my lining check last week was the frosting on the nasty cake. Try as I might, I’ve not been able to get back into feeling positive about my FET.

I’m tired. I know that if my FET doesn’t work, I won’t have the strength to try again (can’t even think of another FET at this point). And I know that if the FET works and something goes wrong with the pregnancy again, I won’t know how to find the strength to carry on with life.

I guess I’m just feeling low today, and I wish today had turned out differently for DH and me.

Simba

2009-02-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

We have friends that love Simba, and very willingly baby sit him when we travel out of town. Since we were supposed to be going to Denver on Tuesday, we had spoken with them about Simba staying with them while we were out. They agreed of course, but on the condition that they get to spend at least one weekend with Simba. So we had all agreed that Simba would go to their house this weekend, and come back home after we return from Denver. Our plans got changed, but our friends had already made plans around Simba this weekend, so we agreed to have him go spend the weekend with them.

They picked him up last night, and right now, I’m missing him terribly! I woke up this morning and went downstairs and it struck me that Simba is such a huge part of this house and our family that it is impossible to imagine life without him! The house is so silent. Not that Simba is a magic dog that talks, but he communicates. He makes us talk to him. He makes us have the semblance of a normal life, the feeling that we are in fact parents. He makes me refer to DH as Dadda when I talk to him, and makes DH refer to me as Mama. “Where’s Dadda, Simba?” makes him run and look for DH.

I’ve written about Simba before, and I mention him often here on my blog. Simba came into our lives when our first IVF failed. We had a huge need to parent, and take care of a little life dependent on us, and DH thought bringing a puppy home would be just the thing for us. It was. The little ball of fur, all of 6 weeks when he came home, was a wonderful outlet to our parenting instinct and our need to nurture something.

If the last 3.5 years of parenting Simba is any projection of how we’d be as parents, then I can’t wait for us to be parents to a real human baby! DH surprises me by being so gentle and calm with Simba, and I surprise myself with being so very patient with him. He knows Dadda is the one who takes him out and makes him play fetch, but he knows that if he’s in trouble, and Dadda is angry, then Mama will take care of him. He knows that if he comes and looks at me in a certain way, I’ll know he is hungry or is thirsty.

It was a scary realization today that if we didn’t have Simba in the house, and if our lives had proceeded the same way in other aspects, ie, if we were infertile and had had those losses, and were where we are emotionally, mentally, physically, it would be a very very depressing and lonely existence. Just the 2 of us in the house to deal with all of these raw emotions would be too hard to bear. Not that Simba offers any emotional advice, but he just takes away so much pain by wagging his tail or licking the tears away!

After my ectopic pregnancy, we talked about getting another puppy – and we still might. It’s just that from then on we’ve been traveling to Denver practically every month, and we didn’t think it would be fair to bring home a new puppy and have to leave him/her in boarding or with friends so often.

All said and done, I miss the little guy! OK – he’s not little, he weighs over 90 lbs! Is it Sunday night yet?

Postponed

2009-02-19T14:28:00.000-08:00

I had my lining check ultrasound and E2 blood work today.

My lining check didn't go well at all. My poor pathetic lining, after 2 weeks of Estrogen stickers was only at a measly 4.9 mm. No triple line pattern or anything - nowhere even close to it. Just a sad blurb, 4.9mm thick.

I spent the morning in panic mode. DH has been trying to calm me down, telling me that we have good blastocysts to transfer, so there is nothing to worry about. At the very worst, we'll get postponed.

And postponed we got. The nurse just called - I'm being pushed out by a week. Instead of flying out on 2/24, we now fly out on 3/3, transfer on 3/4. My E2 level today was 382, and they wanted me to be over 300, so that was good. I thought there would be a correlation between the E2 level and the lining thickness. So if my E2 level is right where it should be, shouldn't my lining also have been right where it should be?

They want the lining to be a minimum of 8mm, so I get to add estrace to my drug cocktail, only I get to have the pleasure of using the lovely blue pills as a suppository instead of a regular oral pill!! Yeah, been there, done that also before. I hate the blue discharge!

I can't help but wonder if the surgery I had in October to fix the shape of my uterus could have anything to do with my lining being so thin this time?

I need some thickening vibes please....

Weighty issues - updated

2009-02-17T17:06:00.000-08:00

Anyone dealing with or having dealt with infertility will agree. Apart from the very obvious – the inability to have a baby – infertility also brings with it these 2:

WEIGHT and WAIT.

We all know how we’re incessantly waiting – waiting for results, waiting for doctor’s appointments, waiting for schedule, waiting to start cycling, waiting for results – and the cycle continues. While we wait, normal life occurs (ok, not NORMAL as it used to be – but the new normal that we’ve settled into)

And that’s where my struggle with weight comes in.

I’m going to bare my soul here and talk actual numbers and sizes. I know there will be people who will say: “Eeks, she’s FAT”, and there will be people who will say: “Please – you have no reason to complain, do you know what half the world weighs?” I understand. I don’t want to offend anyone or tick anyone off. I am not comparing myself with anyone else at all. I am comparing myself with me. Or who I used to be.

Before IVF#1 – I weighed 124 lbs. Size 4. I could happily wear short T-shirts that even showed a little tummy. And remember, I'm petite - I'm only about 5 ft 3 or 4 inches.

After IVF#1, I sort of settled at 130 lbs – sometimes swinging to 132. Still ok. Size 4 pants still fit me ok, but I had bought a couple of size 6 pants for my “blah” days.

After IVF#2 – I was pregnant for a few weeks and my bloating from the injections and swollen ovaries continued right on. I could not button up any of my pants, and since I did not know better, I didn’t expect things to go wrong, and I ended up buying a couple of maternity pants / jeans. Three days after that trip to the mall, we found out the baby’s heart had stopped beating. My depression after the miscarriage made me go back pretty quickly to 130 lbs and to my size 4 pants.

IVF#3 and IVF#4 happened back to back – with IVF#3 I had a chemical pg, and with IVF# 4 I had an ectopic pregnancy, which was treated with methotrexate injections. My weight sort of plateaued at 134-136 lbs. My size 4s felt tight. My size 6s felt snug.

After IVF#4, I had surgery to fix my uterus, and then moved on to IVF#5.

Now - in between ER and FET of IVF#5 – 138-140 lbs. Some of my size 4s won’t go over my knees. Some that do go up, look obscene. And my tummy mushrooms over them in a very very pathetic manner. My 6s feel tight. There is one pair of jeans that is close to comfortable and I’m tired of wearing them all the time. Other than that pair, I’m wearing drawstring or elastic waisted pants.

You can’t really go out in those pants. So like I said, while I am waiting for my cycle to continue, my weight dilemma weighs in on me.

Should I buy bigger clothes? No. I don’t want to, I hope to be pregnant, and I will wear my maternity pants then.
Should I wear maternity pants now? No, because I feel superstitious about jinxing my chances (don’t ask me to explain why).
Should I complain about my weight? No, the intention is to get pregnant and put on 25-30 lbs more.
So am I happy about my weight – the fact that I am 16lbs heavier than I was before IVF#1? No – I’m close to being depressed about it!

I know this is not the time to be worrying about my weight – and on most days, I don’t worry. I worry when I have to go out, and when I stand in my closet for ages KNOWING there’s nothing there that fits ok.

I’m the kind of person who gets motivation to lose weight when I’ve lost some already. That’s when I’m happy to shed more, and maintain it. When I put on weight, I lose all the motivation to move my blubbery self and do anything about it.

Once again, please, I don’t mean to offend anyone by talking actual numbers here. I am merely talking about ME, and how much I weigh. This is my opinion on myself, and about nobody else.

Weight - the unfortunate by-product of IF. And it's bothering me because I'm in waiting mode right now! Oh well.....

Update: I just realized I didn't mention this. Don't worry - I'm not on a diet or doing anything drastic. In fact, on the contrary, DH has decided that I need to drink "fattier" milk, so he's not letting me get my usual fat free dairy! I'm eating well, and eating healthy for the most part. I would not compromise anything for the chances of this FET to work!! :-)

Rainbows and the like....

2009-02-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

Through the rain, this is what we saw today. It has to mean something, doesn't it? Hope. Light at the end of the tunnel. Something to look forward to.

I'm doing much better today. Thank you all once again for reaching out and helping me when I felt low. I don't know how I would get through days like yesterday or feelings like the ones I had yesterday without you guys!

IF takes away so much from us, but in the process it gives us a lot too. My IF has given me a wonderful support group of people that get it. Had I not been infertile, I wouldn't be here, writing this right now, and I would have not had the opportunity to meet so many wonderful people!

IF took away the innocence of an "oops" conception, and the joys of a pregnancy which proceeds without incident. In its wake, it left behind a paranoia which causes one to obsess over EVERY twinge, every symptom, or the lack thereof, a paranoia which will not subside no matter how much one tries to "stay calm".

IF took away the carefree loud laugh and wicked sense of wit and humor I once possessed. In its wake, it left behind a large amount of bitterness.

IF took away many treasured relationships, for one reason or another - both friends and family. In its wake, it left behind a lonely isolation.

IF took away (from me) a career which could have, and was progressing extremely well. In its wake, it left behind a woman willing to give up EVERYTHING, for just one chance to have a baby.

However, IF did give me a lot of compassion and a lot of insight. Like April said in her comment to my last post, IF makes our lows lower and our highs higher. It makes us much more tuned in and perceptive to others. I'm learning to harness that perception and reaching out to people who are suffering like me. I'm learning that by reaching out and supporting people, I'm not only helping them in their struggles, I am actually helping build a support system for myself too.

More than anything, IF has shown me how strong I am, and how far and beyond far I'm willing to go to make my dreams come true. It has helped me prioritize my life, and has given me absolute lucidity on what's important to me.

It has taught me to focus on hope, because sometimes, it's all you've got! It has taught me to look through the rain and find the rainbows......

Family...

2009-02-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

I have been existing like an ostrich, with my head hidden in the sand, hoping to get past these days without event. In effect, in the last few weeks, I have managed to focus my attention and my emotions on the future, and pin my entire energy on being positive and hopeful. I was making an effort not to dwell on things that have gone wrong in the past, and to a large extent I was successful.

Today changed it all. Friday the thirteenth, indeed.

I have a cousin who I am very close to. Closer in many ways than I am to my own sister. We’ve grown up together, and shared every single detail of our lives with each other. Close enough that when I had my miscarriage in Nov 2007, and I wanted to get away for a few days, DH and I flew to the UK and stayed with her and her family. I couldn’t think of any place other than her place where I could feel some comfort in my darkest moments. Close enough that when her daughter was born in July 2004, they asked me to choose the baby’s name, and gave the baby the name I suggested.

Needless to say, my infertility is not hidden from her, and even more needless to say, she is fertile.

June 2008 – I got pregnant after IVF#4. Of course I informed her, and she was ecstatic! Flash forward a few weeks, my pregnancy turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. I was shattered and totally broken. Of course I informed her, and surprisingly she didn’t call. She emailed me a couple of times, but it was unusual for her to not call me. She called a few weeks later, and cried on the phone. I asked her if she was crying because she was pregnant (I had a “feeling” about her). And she said yes.

She said her due date was exactly the same as what my due date was to be (2/24/09), and she didn’t know how to call me when I lost even that pregnancy. We both cried on the phone, and I told her that I understood that her life need not stop because mine was screwed up. I told her she need not feel any guilt at all. Of course I was happy for her, but after that phone call, I could never make myself call her again.

I may come across as uncaring, uninvolved and selfish, but the reality is – it’s self preservation. I’ve spent way too many years trying to be the bigger person, and to act in a way that is normal, and that is expected and accepted by the fertile society. I can’t do it any more. I owe it to myself – to my body, my heart and my emotions to keep myself from exposure to certain situations.

So I never called her. She didn’t call me either. I don’t know if it was because she didn’t know what to say, or because she felt guilty for being pregnant, or if she didn’t want to jinx anything for me if I was trying again.

In November, she pinged me online and asked me how I was doing. I told her all about CCRM and Dr Schoolcraft and that he had found my uterus to be T shaped and that I’d gone through surgery to fix it.

My cousin wouldn’t buy it!! She kept asking me how come no other doctor had seen my uterus shape to be a problem. She kept saying I shouldn’t do the surgery because it did not sound right (and yes, my cousin is a doctor, so she does understand what I’m talking about). I was a little agitated at that conversation. What did she think were my options? Question Dr Schoolcraft’s judgment, and refuse to have the surgery done, when I knew that Dr Schoolcraft is amongst the best in this field? How would my chances at ever having my own baby improve if I didn’t do the surgery? And it was beside the point that I had already had the surgery!!

December 30 – my cousin sent me an email saying “I am not contacting you because I don’t want to jinx it if you’re pregnant. I know you went to Denver, and perhaps you’re expecting but are waiting for enough time to go by for it to be safe for you to announce.”

Something about her assumption about me made me mad! I didn’t even want to make the effort to explain to her what was going on with me, that I was yet to go to Denver for my IVF. Perhaps I felt jealous too, that she seemingly had a smooth sailing, and I was forever in waiting mode, praying fervently and keeping my fingers crossed that my next chance should work!!

She called yesterday. I didn’t bother to answer the phone. This morning my mom told me that my cousin had had a baby boy a few days ago. The baby boy who was due on my baby’s due date. He came a couple of weeks early.

Yes, I spoke with my cousin. I congratulated her. I heard about her labor and how quickly my nephew was here. I heard about how he is sleeping through the day, but cries a lot when he's awake. I heard how he has a head full of hair. I heard how much the baby looks like his sister. I was brave through the conversation. I updated her on my life. I hung up the phone, went and sat in DH’s lap and broke down.

Why must it be so hard? Why why why? Why must we have to deal with SO MANY raw emotions? All at once? I find myself going and lurking on the pregnancy boards. Women who got pregnant when I got pregnant are putting up their newborns’ pictures. I managed pretty well to be forward thinking and not think about dates and what could have been. But it’s hard. It’s bloody hard!!

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve really totally lost it……. This current me is SO far removed from who I used to be. I wonder if I’ll ever find me again….

So far so good

2009-02-11T15:10:00.001-08:00

I started the estrogen patches last week. So far the schedule has been:

Feb 5: 1 patch

Feb 7: Change patch and replace with 1 patch

Feb 9: Change patch and replace with 1 patch

Feb 11: Change patch and replace with 1 patch. Check estradiol.

I went in for my E2 level today. They wanted the level to be above 50, and mine came back at 140. The nurse was super excited. I wanted to tell her to bite her tongue and not jinx anything for me. I don't want "the evil eye" on this cycle at all!

I have to now move on to 2 patches on Friday, then 3 patches on Sunday, and 4 on Tuesday. I go in for an u/s on 2/19. On the 20th, I start my beloved (not!!) progesterone suppositories. Another blood test on 2/22 and we'll be all set for ET on 2/25!!

I have to tell you of an incident that happened this morning at the Stan.ford lab. I was signing in for my blood work, and just as I stepped away from the counter, someone else walked up with a CCRM lab slip in her hand. So of course I asked her if she went to CCRM and we got talking. She did some cycles locally and then finally went to Dr Schoolcraft in CCRM. She did her ET on 1/23, and got her BFP last week. I felt so much hope from talking to her!! She also told me the name of the high risk pregnancy OB that she's seeing. That made me feel even more hopeful, and I'll explain why.

With my first pregnancy that ended in a m/c, I was given a list of MFM high risk doctors to see, and I had made an appointment with one of them. My m/c happened before my appointment with her, and since then I somehow had this feeling in my mind that I would not go back to that list. Somehow, I can't picture myself going to that building in Stan.ford. And because I can't picture myself seeing those doctors, it had started making me believe that I will never have my own child. But of late, I've been thinking I'll probably find another doctor - someone outside of that list. Lo and behold, I meet this woman, and she gives me a name - and apparently this doctor has done some research work with Dr Schoolcraft as well!

Coming back to the lab this morning. I got called in for my blood draw, and when I came out, she got called in. So I didn't take her full name or number or anything. I only know her name is Jennifer. I wish I had exchanged contact details with her! She was so helpful! In the few minutes we spoke, she gave me her experience of the acupuncture, the transfer, and so much more!

Some bullet point updates:

We have decided that we will do the acupuncture at CCRM. Many of you have recommended it, and we agree that given the fact that we've come so far and spent so much, a few hundred more won't matter in the long run!
I heard that the prescription prenatals I'm on (Prima.care One) is being recalled by the FDA (April - were you filling a Prima.care prescription that the pharmacy called you about? I know you mentioned they told you the prenatals were being recalled) I asked CCRM and they said they would give me a new prescription, but I could finish the bottle I'm on right now. So I'm trusting them with that.
Some of you asked about how I was planning to dispose of my sharps. One time about a year or so ago, I carried that whole container to a pharmacy to ask them if they would dispose it for me. They refused. I went to another place. They refused too. So I brought everything back home, and as of now, the intent is to keep them as my trophy. Something to remind me of this phase of my life - and just looking at the number of needles I have in that box makes me feel brave and strong!

Acupuncture opinion

2009-02-09T16:38:00.000-08:00

Not much to report here - I'm still doing my Lupron shots every evening, and changing my E2 patches every other day. I have my first E2 blood work on Wednesday. I hope the numbers look good. Removing those patches is ~ lets just say ~ NOT my favorite activity! Ouch! Those damn stickers hurt!!

And I'm not very fond of the glue residue they leave behind. I've been clawing the glue out with my nails, and yes, I know that's probably not the best thing to do. I tried lotion etc, and nothing helps. DH suggested trying to rub the glue out with one of those hundreds of alcohol swabs we now have, courtesy of a fresh new box coming in with every prescription that includes injections and syringes! I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Although I had a wilder idea - has anyone heard of "Goo Gone"? I'm wondering if I should try that to remove the glue "goo". Probably not, I know! :-)

Coming to another thought on my mind - acupuncture.... I had done acupuncture before my last IVF cycle in May / June 2008. I did not go back to the acupuncturist after that pregnancy didn't work out. By the time we got started on this IVF cycle, so much more time had gone by, and I just never took up the acupuncture routine again. Reasons being multifold - financial reason being the biggest one. So here we are, in between ER and FET, with no acupuncture at all.

CCRM offers pre and post transfer acupuncture at their clinic, and I haven't confirmed to them if I will take it or not. What do you think? We know acupuncture helps in de-stressing the mind, and also in channelizing the "chi" or energy flow in the body, but usually it needs about 10 - 12 sessions for the benefits of acupuncture to kick in. In isolation of any other sessions, will the pre and post transfer sessions help in any way? Part of the deciding factor is cost, but if the benefits of the 2 sessions are substantial, then a some more $$ on this cycle won't matter in the long run.

Any of you who have done a cycle at CCRM - did you do the acupuncture? If you did - what made you decide for it, and did you find it worthwhile? If you didn't, what made you decide against doing it?

Here we go again!

2009-02-06T13:48:00.000-08:00

First it was fertility waterfalls (made famous by Nicole Kidman), now it is fertility statues?

Ripley's Believe It or Not! has this exhibit of some statues, and apparently over 2000 women claim to have become pregnant after touching these statues! The fact that the statues are placed in a place called the "Odditorium" speaks for itself, no?

I'm wondering if I'm cuckoo enough yet to fax them a copy of my palm!!

Myrtle Beach, anyone?

Here are some of the links:

Article 1

Article 2

Article 3

There are many more articles out there. If you just google "ripleys fertility statues" you'll be amazed at the number of results it throws up!

I'm just stupefied at these stories! Don't know what to make of them! Now, if they said they could CURE infertility, then it would be a whole different story, eh?

Patchy, foggy, cloudy

2009-02-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

I started my E2 patches today. This time I have the "dot", so it's a much smaller sticker, and I hope it will be easier to deal with than the ones I had used for my FET that got canceled in 2007. The hardest part about those was removing the stickers. My skin was not happy at being ripped at again and again, and by the time I had to increase the number of patches that were being administered at the same time, I had run out of room on my tummy, and had to use areas that were used earlier. Also need room for the lupron shots! I was happy this morning to see a smaller sticker! (And I have more room on my tummy now than I did in 2007 - all the extra weight that I'm carrying around seems to be serving SOME purpose finally!)

My brain feels sort of fogged out. I can tell that I'm not being as lucid and clear in my head as I usually am. (That may explain my infrequent posting {by my usual blogging standards}).
I know Lu.pron does that to people - the loopy foggy lup.ron brain has been talked about by many a blogger!

So in my foggy, cotton-wool state of mind, I did what my clear head was not letting me do. I sent out my resume to a couple of companies. I decided that I need to be prepared to move on, and obviously with the economy being the way it is, I may need more time to find a job. So I thought it would help to send out my resume and see what response I get. If these companies start jumping up and down in excitement asking me to join them (Yeah right! Who am I kidding?), then it's a decision we'll make depending on what happens over the next few weeks.

The more likely outcome is probably going to be a lukewarm one. There's hardly anyone hiring out there. So we'll see. I think I needed to send the feelers out, so I know.

On another note - my sharps container is filling up. There's almost no room in it any more and I still have over 2 weeks of Lu.pron syringes to dispose. It's the large container, so just looking at it reminds me of how long and hard this journey has been. Last night as I was throwing away my syringe after my Lup.ron shot, I was joking with DH, saying "If our child EVER throws a tantrum, or EVER whines or complains about anything unnecessary, I'm going to show him/her this container, and say, I didn't flinch while sticking all those syringes into my body for you. You have basically signed away all your rights to whine in front of me!"

My body on medication

2009-02-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

My body on medication is the most dependable, on schedule, per calendar body that one could want!

My FET calendar showed that AF should show today. And she did. Amazing what medicine can make your body do huh? Considering AF was last visiting just over 2 weeks ago.

So anyway - she's here, and I get to start my E2 patches on Thursday, change patches every second day and go in for E2 blood work on the 11th, 19th and for P4 blood work on the 22nd. I have to have a lining check on the 19th as well.

We fly out to Denver on 2/24 and will head straight to CCRM. They need us to sign some consents (without which they will not thaw our blastocysts!). These consents need to be notarized as well. One option was for them to send us the consents here. We would then have to get them notarized and mailed back. The nurse said she could notarize the consents for us herself, but for that we'd have to meet her the day before the transfer. We decided that was the easier option.

We got a great deal on our hotel stay for this trip. Crestwood Suites for $34 a night! This is a queen bed studio suite, with kitchen, wireless internet, and free breakfast! The hotel is located a little farther from CCRM than the one we stayed at the last time but since we go to CCRM once for the consents and then the next time for the FET, and after that have to spend the remainder of our stay there with me being on bed rest, it really doesn't matter! At almost a third of the price of the closer by places, it's a steal!

We've never stayed at a Crestwood before (honestly I'd never even heard of it) so I hope it turns out as good as it looked on the website!

It's happening - FET is coming up. I've told AF this is the last time I'm allowing her in my house for a long time to come. She is not welcome for say the next 10 months or so!

I'm excited to get the ball rolling - can you tell? :-)

Incoherent rambling

2009-02-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

Isn't it natural to be stressed? I mean, we aren't playing cards here. Isn't not a fun endeavor. It's not something we're trying for the heck of trying it. We've invested close to 8 years of our lives towards this goal. Isn't it natural to feel anxious?

DH and I have been married for close to 12 years, and TTC for close to 8 of those. We have been TTCing for 75% of our married lives! Roadblock after roadblock, we've stumbled onwards, sometimes hopeful, sometimes not. And now, as we come to the end of our journey (whichever way it ends), we're torn, tired, vulnerable and yes, we're stressed.

I've put my body through 5 IVF cycles - i.e., 5 retrievals, 108 eggs retrieved, 6 embryos/blastocysts transferred, 3 BFPs, 3 losses, 2 D&C procedures, uterine surgery, and innumerable shots and hormones. Is it fair to expect myself to stay "unstressed"? Is it even possible?

Despite everything, right now, I'm feeling extremely blessed, and extremely fortunate to have the luxury of 4 normal blastocysts to choose from for this FET. I'm feeling very calm about that - about the procedure per se. Yes, my mind is swinging from very positive thoughts to extremely hopeless ones. And I cut myself some slack - I know it is natural to worry. It is natural to hope, yet worry.

I worry that this cycle will not work. Then I find myself "knowing" that it will work. Once I reach there, I worry that things will go wrong again (just like they have, each time I've got a BFP in the past).

Over the last few days, I've had numerous conversations with people who have told me that I need to think positive. Don't stress. Be calm. And each time, after these conversations, I find myself more agitated than I was before those conversations began. I feel like I'm projecting a stressed out, panic struck aura, and that is causing people to give me those "lectures".

Wouldn't I be unreal if I were able to skip along my days without a care? Wouldn't I be weird if I did NOT stress? I'm a little tired of people "worrying" about my stress levels. That stresses me out more!

Again, I've been feeling very relaxed mentally since our vacation, and since we got the PGD results. And unfortunately, it is now, when I'm feeling calm, when people are telling me to relax!!!!

I'm sorry if my post is rambling - I'm feeling ruffled mentally, and I'm not being able to collect my thoughts very coherently right now.

What would you do?

2009-01-29T13:57:00.001-08:00

We're back from our trip to the San Diego area, and I must say, I am SO glad we went. We really needed to de-stress, and the last 3 days have been awesome. We went with another family, and I think that was a good idea too, because we were forced to get out and be normal and not talk about our IF and IVF all the time. In fact, we didn't even talk about it once!

We're back, and both DH and I are feeling "re-charged" and sufficiently calm to get started with FET preparations.

I started Lupron on Tuesday, and yesterday, I had to do my shot while we were driving back to the bay area. We stopped at a gas station, DH prepared the syringe, our friend was checking the air in the tires and I pulled up my t-shirt and did my shot right there in the parking lot! I was laughing with DH later at night that it's almost comical how we've come to a point where we're practically immodest about and because of our IF. I don't even blink or hesitate if I'm talking about IF - I'm not embarrassed talking about sperm, eggs, uterus or anything IF/TTC related!

I'm still on my BCP - I take my last pill this weekend. AF should come next week, and then I start the patches. So far so good.

We head out to Denver on 2/24, for our FET on 2/25. The date 2/24 has a huge significance in my life. My last pregnancy (the ectopic) had a due date of 2/24. It's sad that SO much time has gone past since my last pregnancy. At the same time, it feels significant that my FET is scheduled 1 day after my due date. Almost like I needed to wait till the due date to be cleansed of all the negative and hurtful emotions that I felt over the last year.

I need to think about this upcoming FET, to think about how many blasts we're going to transfer. Here's where I need your suggestions.

These are the blasts we have (in terms of grading):

4AA

4BB

3BA

I feel we should transfer 2 blasts this time. I also think we should transfer 1 of the 4AA grade blasts, and one of the remaining 2. We thought about transferring both the 4AA grade blasts, to maximize our chances for this cycle, but we both agree that it will be better for us mentally to know we have a good quality blast as backup, in case this cycle doesn't work, or something goes wrong during the pregnancy.

If all goes well, and we do come home with a healthy baby in say Oct/Nov, then the 2 blasts can stay frozen till we are ready for a sibling.

What do you think? What would you do?

(I may be thinking ahead of myself here totally - I have no idea if CCRM lets the patient have any say in how many blasts are transferred or which ones are transferred, but I want to be prepared with our decision nevertheless.)

Vacation Time

2009-01-26T09:03:00.000-08:00

After all the highs and lows and the drama of the last couple of weeks, both DH and I needed to get away for a bit. We decided to take a little vacation in San Diego. We booked our timeshare last week and thought that we'd either use it as a WTF break, if the PGD news was bad, or as a celebratory trip, if the news was good.

Here we are in San Diego on our celebratory vacation! We drove down yesterday with a couple of friends. This is just a quick post, lest you guys wonder where I disappeared to!

We will be back on Wednesday, and I will post an update on Thursday. I have some questions for you ladies, so watch out for my post.

Have a good week, everyone!

PGD results are in

2009-01-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

We got 4. Yes, that's right. 4!

I'm happy, relieved, excited and so thankful to God. Thanks also to all of you for your prayers and good wishes. You may never know how much your support and comments have helped me. I was losing my mind, and each one of you helped me stay together. Thank you all!

This last week has been a very very anxious week for us. DH and I have had numerous conversations, preparing ourselves for a phone call that begins with "I'm sorry". I was worried for DH because he doesn't vent out his anxiety like I do. He keeps it all bottled up, and there's a lot of anxiety in him because he feels responsible, yet helpless. He said he has been seeing the stress I've been under since the ER, and he knows that his BT, and the fact that everything boils down to numbers at the end of it is what is causing that stress to me, and he feels responsible. I was worrying for him while he was worrying for me.

We talked about closing this chapter and moving on. We talked about being strong for each other, and at the very least, resting in the knowledge that we've done all we could. We've been brave and strong, and have taken the bull by the horns for as long as we could. We also came to the agreement that we couldn't do this any longer. If we got a bad PGD result today, we would close the chapter.

We almost didn't want to answer the phone when it rang! The genetic counselor and our nurse were both on the line together. You could tell they were so excited! They said they had screamed and hugged each other in the corridors of CCRM when they got our results, causing other nurses and people to stick their heads out of their offices to see what was going on!

We have 4 normal blasts, and the grades are:
4AA
4AA
4BB
3BA

This is the best result we've had so far! I know I'm going to have a relaxed weekend now. It feels like a horrible weight has been lifted off our shoulders, and we can breathe again! Phew!

We know it's not over yet - it's FAR from over. It's not over till we get to come home with a healthy baby in our arms (or possibly it's not over till that healthy baby grows up and goes to college!). It's not over yet, but it's a bug hurdle crossed. A big big hurdle, and we're glad to have made it so far.

(Oh, I have to tell you about my dreams last night. I had 2 dreams. In the first, we were told we have 4 normal blasts, and their grades are 4DMR {Don't ask me what that means!!}. In my second dream we had 2 normal blasts that we transferred. I told the nurse and the counselor about my dream, and they told me to try and dream about being pregnant. I'm going to focus on that now!!)

Patience!

2009-01-21T17:21:00.000-08:00

Waiting sucks! IF sucks! Currently, my life sucks! They told me that FISH analysis results take 24-48 hours, and given the fact that we've frozen our blasts and the PGD lab is aware that they need not rush for results, they may take an extra day or so. So we should have heard back on Monday. No. OK - Tuesday? No. Now Wednesday has gone past as well! I mean, how on earth am I expected to stay calm and patient any more?

I emailed the geneticist this morning and requested her to follow up and see what was holding the results up. She said she would check and let me know. I emailed her again in the afternoon. No response. Finally I called CCRM - I HATE the fact that their front desk doesn't put you through to the embryology lab directly. They're like security guards for the lab. There's always this uncomfortable conversation that makes me feel like I'm bothering them and wasting their time!

Them:"Have you called your nurse?"
Me: "I emailed the genetic counselor, and she said she'd check. I haven't heard anything after that."
Them: "Well, it's been really busy today. Give the genetic counselor time till tomorrow to respond to you."
Me: "OK. It's just that I was told to expect the results on Monday or Tuesday, and now it's almost the end of Wednesday and I haven't heard."
Uncomfortable silence.
Me: "Hello?"
Them: "Sigh. OK, I can email the lab and ask them to call you."
Me: "Would you please? Thank you. Here is my name and number again".

I never did get that call from the lab. However, the genetic counselor emailed me back finally, only to say that the PGD lab will "report the results on Friday". WHAT????? I don't know if that means CCRM will hear by Friday. In which case, I don't know if they will tell me on Friday or if I have to pull my remaining hair out before I finally get my results!!!

This whole IVF cycle has been so extremely stressful it's not funny. So stressful! Now I have 2 more days to chew my nails and pull out my hair before we hear if we're having a transfer. I'm supposed to get and fill prescriptions for Vivelle patches, and I don't want to do that unless we are sure we have a transfer. We have tickets, hotel, rental car that will need to be booked, and I don't want to do any of that till we hear back. Yes, there's still time, but I wish we could hear quickly so I can move on with other things that need to get done!

I know I need to be patient till we at least find out our PGD results, but my mind is spiraling downwards into panic mode. I'm not doing well with the waiting. I wish they had set our expectations right from the beginning and told us when they would have the results back realistically. I've literally spent the last 3 days not letting my cell phone out of my hand because I don't want to miss their call! I've checked my phone multiple times to see if it's working! Is it charged, do I have reception, is my ringer on etc etc etc! I'm going hysterical here.

I find myself running out of hope entirely now. It's just getting harder and harder. I can't picture myself pregnant, I can't picture us with a little baby. On top of it, it has been confirmed that this was our last covered IVF. We can't afford to pay out of pocket for any more treatment. We could have, but we've been burning through our savings for the last year. I think I need to pull up my socks and go look for a job. That thought is sending extra shivers down my spine. My confidence is at an all time low, and I'm feeling so unfit to be hired by any kind of job whatsoever. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been looking at job listings online, and the listings and job descriptions scare me. I don't think I can do anything that any job requires!! :-(

How did I let it come to this? How did I let myself go so far down? How did I allow IF to take SO MUCH from me?

Pregnant sightings!

2009-01-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

They’re everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In real life, in Hollywood, on the news, on social networking sites, EVERYWHERE!!! We closed myself in, and isolated ourselves from so many IRL friends because we couldn’t deal with their pregnancies or baby news or baby views. Many shut us out because they didn’t know what to say to us any more. Now – now I have one friend who calls and checks on me frequently. Other than her calls, my phone rings only when CCRM calls me. I get emails when I get comments from you guys. Other than that – almost nothing.

What did we do? We turned to television. In 30 minute spurts, the telly has become our escape from reality. How I met your mother, Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory, Law and Order have helped us keep our sanity, and in some cases, our humor alive.

This last season, we also started watching a new series called “The Worst Week”. It made us laugh. The poor guy got into trouble and his life sucked apparently more than ours – all the time! But there was a theme on the show – the girl was pregnant. It was ok in the beginning, but then they had to start showing her pregnant. We stopped watching the show then.

The other day I read somewhere that Cobie Smulders and Alyson Hannigan are pregnant in real life. They are both on How I met your Mother. Yesterday, Cobie’s character Robin visibly LOOKED bigger. I love the show, but I’m sure it will be another one that we’ll stop watching soon.

Two and a Half Men – I mean, cheap, crass, in your face type of stuff. Hilarious. Yesterday, Marin Hinkle’s character (Judith) waddles out 5 months pregnant, and half the show was about painting the nursery, and selecting the baby girl’s name. Blech!! Another show I’m going to stop watching?

How sad is it when you end up needing to escape FROM your escape? Pathetic. Really pathetic.

This season I think we’re going to stick to Kitchen Nightmares, Hell’s Kitchen and American Idol. Whatever they do on those shows, hopefully they won’t paint nurseries and choose baby names, and shove their fertility in our faces! Angry, filthy mouthed, British accented Chef Gordon Ramsey, and Simon, Randy, Paula and the new chick are probably NOT going to suddenly show up pregnant any time soon. (Or so we hope!)

Now for my PGD update – no news. I had asked the nurse yesterday when we spoke. She had checked with the lab, and they had told her they hadn’t heard back from the PGD lab yet. They said it could take a few more days. I am running out of patience but I don’t have another option. Nothing I can do but wait. The embryologist told me they expected to hear back by Friday last or Monday/ Tuesday. I’m going to keep quiet and calm till tomorrow. And then I’ll follow up. I do know that they didn’t have the results yesterday. I’ll give them today, and then start calling them.

Another day goes by

2009-01-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

There's still no news on the PGD results. I was hoping everything would be super efficient and we'd have the results on Friday. And then on Friday evening I thought, OK - let's just get through the weekend, and we'll have the results on Monday. Now it's Monday evening. Still nothing.

My miserable Aunt F decided that SHE should visit me before her time! Well, one less thing I'm waiting for! I don't mind Aunt F per se, but I don't particularly like her baggage. All the cramping, paining, bloating (on top of my IVF bloating), migraine. If only she'd visit, quietly, like a well behaved old aunt. Nooooo - she likes to be mean - she has to bring all these agonizing "cousins" with her!!

So anyway, since AF was here, and while we're still in limbo about our PGD results, I decided I should at least get onto my BCP protocol or whatever it is that they need me to get started on, ASSUMING we will have a transfer some time next month. I spoke with the nurse at CCRM and got my calendar and schedule running.

I looked at my old BCP packs, and I had 12 pills remaining across 2 old packs. The nurse had told me she would have me on BCP for 14 days. I asked her if we could tweak that to 12 days, so I could avoid buying a new BCP pack, and using only 2 pills out of it. She said she could, and the bare minimum we needed was 12 days on BCP, so it worked out perfectly. What made it even more perfect was the fact that with the 12 days on BCP schedule, my transfer date falls on 2/25. Dr. Schoolcraft is going out of town on 2/26, and he's booked out heavily till 2/24. So, 2/25 is the only day I could have been squeezed in anyway. So it's falling into place beautifully.

That is, IF WE HAVE A NORMAL BLAST TO TRANSFER!!

If not, there is no Plan B. Really - there is no plan B for life. What am I going to do with myself if there is no transfer, and if all this fizzles out over the next couple of days?

Anyhow, for now, I'm starting on BCP tomorrow.

Update on my plant - it's still all dried up and brown. For those that asked, it's a bougainvillea, and any tips on a dried up bougainvillea in particular will be much appreciated!

Taking Charge of your Fertility

2009-01-16T14:01:00.000-08:00

When we first started trying to conceive - way back in 2001, and when we realized the going wasn't all a bed of roses, I started lurking on a lot of message boards, trying to understand if we were timing things right, if there were things we were missing.

I used to hang out on the "Just Starting Out" boards, well, not "hang out", but lurk mostly. I was too shy to talk about my failed attempts at trying to get pregnant. It was such a private matter. How could I discuss what happens in my bedroom with an internet full of strangers?

Many people would talk about this book called Taking Charge of your Fertility - they swore by it, and it was like a TTC bible of some sorts. Written by Toni Weschler, it talks about managing your fertility - charting temperatures, tracking CM, cervical position etc. So for someone that can actually get pregnant on their own, this is a good book to have / read.

I was a naive, innocent hopeful then. Little did I know that I was going to grow into someone who is infertile by even infertile standards. The joys of innocence! :-) I bought the book in 2001. The first page has my name and "2001" written on it. I read it, learnt a lot from it, but nothing happened. Over the years, the book got put away and forgotten in the bookshelves somewhere.

Then a few years ago, one of our friends was talking about seeing a doctor. She and her husband were trying to get pregnant, and it wasn't working. I thought of this book and went looked for it, and lent it to her. She returned it a few months later saying she was pregnant. She had a son.

A short while after that, another friend was in panic mode. And by that I mean complete panic mode "We have been trying for 7 months, I think we should talk to a doctor about doing IVF, nothing is working!!!!" She even took her husband to see a doctor about doing IVF. The doctor had a sense of humor, and made them sit through a presentation of the IVF process. That scared them into going home and trying on their own again. I lent her this book. She too has a son now.

A third couple had been trying for a while. The girl had also seen a doctor, and had gone through an HSG. She was supposed to meet the doctor after her HSG to get started on treatment. I had lent my book to them a few months ago. They have returned it to me with a pregnancy announcement. I don't know if she's having a son yet.

All these people probably would have got pregnant without having borrowed this book from me. But I choose to believe the book is lucky. I don't know it the contents did the trick, or just the book itself.

I've been joking about this book and telling everyone that it has brought luck to everyone I have lent it to. One hundred percent - all 3 couples! Unfortunately the luck works only when I lend the book out. It doesn't seem to work with me!! My friend who returned the book this time said she was returning it in the hope that the book would work its magic on me as well.

The book is lying here. I don't know if it's working it's magic. I don't know if it has any magic to work. Because honestly, all those couples would probably have got pregnant on their own anyway. But I hope it has magic. And I hope some of its magic is flying around us right now.

God - anything to make this cycle work!!

I'm waiting for the PGD results. They haven't called, and now I don't think they will call today any more. It will be Monday / Tuesday before I know anything. I'm trying to hang in there. Some hours go past quicker than the others!

A couple of random rants - the counter on my blog stopped working. I have no idea why. And I don't know why, but it's bothering me! Anyone know how to fix it?

The plant we had planted on my baby's due date (the picture on my profile picture) is all brown and dry. We got back from CO and noticed it all dried up. We're trying to revive it, but I'm heart broken, and really scared it won't revive. It was fine and then suddenly it's gone. There were a few cold waves, I don't know if that's what did it. It's our "tribute to our lost babies" plant, and I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't sprout green again!! Any tips people? I'm not particularly green thumbed, but we have plenty of plants, and we do manage to keep them alive!

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Update - Never mind. The counter is back. On its own. After showing up as a ? for over a week! I should have whined about it earlier! :-)

On the 7th day of ER

2009-01-14T14:20:00.000-08:00

The embryologist called, and I think I have finally exhaled now, after days of bated breath, days of wondering, hoping, panicking, all at the same time!

Our latest update is more heartening. They were able to biopsy and vitrify 4 more embryos on Day 6. There was one more they were watching, but that one didn't make it. So all in all, we now have 6 that have been biopsied and vitrified, ie frozen in time.

The biopsied cells were fixed on glass slides, and these slides are being sent to the PGD lab today. The lab should be working on our slides tomorrow and on Friday. They could technically have the results by Friday, but since they know there is no time pressure of a fresh transfer, and since they are aware that these blastocysts have been vitrified, they may not be in a rush to send the results back. CCRM will call us as soon as they hear, and this could happen on Monday or maybe even Tuesday.

I'm feeling a little more relaxed, and am daring to hope that there WILL be a transfer. I'm reminded on our President Elect's speech and book title and phrases - The Audacity of Hope. He said "Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The Audacity of Hope."

Out of our 6 blastocysts being genetically tested, can we hope for at least one that we can transfer? Please God, I hope so. Please don't let it be otherwise.

I had promised I would share with you the grading system for blastocysts. I went online to look for pictures which I could post with my description. In my searches I came across a website which actually describes the grading of blastocysts much better than I could ever dream of doing. So I'm going to link you to this article on blastocyst grades.

I want to thank every one of you for reaching out and supporting me during the crazy roller coaster of the last week. From 1/7 to 1/14 - it seems like an eternity! A tiring, exhausting eternity, and I don't think I could have stayed sane without the hands of my blogosphere friends, holding me up.

It's not over yet, it's far from over, but it's one step forward it the right direction.

Perspective on things

2009-01-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

I’m still pretty shocked and numb from yesterday’s news on our embryos / blastocysts. I’m sure you must think that I just whine unnecessarily, and that in the past 1 week itself I’ve shown all kinds of varying emotions. I started with being worried about a low number of follicles, to being ecstatic about a good ER, to being devastated about the fert report, to being ok with the Day 3 report, to yesterday, when everything crashed around me.

I’m trying to see the positive side of things. DH and I sat down to analyze our results from our past IVF/PGD cycles and compare them with this current cycle. We think we’re seeing a little pattern here, and I’m going to try and explain it to you.

The obvious difference in this cycle was the fact that the biopsy for PGD / FISH testing was done on Day 5. Most other labs / clinics do the biopsy on Day 3. Had CCRM done the biopsy on Day 3, we would have had 12 embryos from the first batch, and possibly a couple more from the later batch that would have been biopsied and tested. And with that, the numbers would have been similar (and slightly better) than our previous 3 cycles.

In my mind, I’m trying to string together the results of the previous PGD cycles, with the outcomes on Day 5 with regards to the development of our embryos.

This is from October 2007. During this cycle, the normal / balanced 5AA blastocyst was transferred and we got a BFP. I had a missed miscarriage in the 9th week

This is from April 2008. During this cycle a poor quality (5CB) blastocyst was transferred. It ended in a biochemical pregnancy.

This is from June 2008. 2 blastocysts of 5AB and 5AC grade were transferred. This resulted in my ectopic pregnancy.

Do you see why I was stressing about needing higher numbers? See how many Unbalanced embryos we've had in the past. That is why, with a genetic / chromosomal abnormality involved, everything becomes a big numbers game at the end.

On the other hand, do you see the pattern I’m talking about? It does seem like the embryos that were normal or balanced for the translocation did survive and develop into blastocysts. That’s on the one hand. On the other, all blastocysts were not always normal or balanced. We had some good-looking 5AA quality blastocysts, which had an unbalanced translocation.

So I’m yet again trying to hold on to the hope that the ones that made it to blast COULD be normal. I realize I must appear so desperate – clinging on to any straw of hope that I can. Who knows which straw will keep us afloat, really!

This one has by far been the most stressful IVF cycle I’ve been through. I’m pretty sure that after this my mind and body are not going to be ready to go through this again. (I am hoping against hope that I don’t NEED another cycle, but you know what I mean.)

I have not heard from the embryologists today. By this time yesterday I was climbing the walls in despair. Today I feel like the news can’t get any worse. The anticipation of the bad news phone call is gone. If at all, today’s news would / will be good news. If they call, good. If they don’t – well, what can be worse than going from 31 eggs to 2 blastocysts in under a week?

PS: Some of you mentioned my last post was technical, and that the grading was hard to understand. I will write out a post and explain the grading for the benefit of those that didn’t get it. But I will do that tomorrow.

I'm tired of stressing

2009-01-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

I have literally spent the entire day staring at my phone, willing it to ring. I was waiting for my day 5 update. I've chewed my fingernails down to stubs, I've paced up and down, I've panicked and done everything else I could. I called and left a message, I emailed the nurse to follow up - I did EVERYTHING!!

Finally the embryologist called. Once again, it's not good.

Here were my numbers on Day 3, with the cell break down:

12 embryos that were growing

2 at 10 cell

2 at 9 cell

5 at 8 cell

3 at 7 cell

The 2 that weren't being counted were 1 at 5 cell, and 1 at 3 cell.

The 3 late bloomers were at 2 cell, 4 cell and 5 cell.

Flash forward to Day 5 - i.e. Today. The story looks different now.

They were able to biopsy and vitrify 2 blastocysts. Yes, 2. That's all. And the 2 are graded as follows:

1 at 4BB

1 at 3BA

They are watching a few more that MAY still develop by tomorrow:

2 stage 2 early blastocysts

2 stage 1 early blastocysts

3 at compacting stage (ie, they are significantly delayed)

5 have arrested development (the 2 that didn't make day 3, plus 3 more)

From the late bloomers - none are looking close to being even early blastocysts right now. They will watch them tomorrow and on Wednesday.

So in effect, we're down to 2 that have reached where they were supposed to in terms of growth. But even then they are not the best quality. It is a touch and go situation with the remaining, and they will call us tomorrow to update us on those and their progress.

I don't know what to make of this. I'm devastated because I'm thinking there is no way we'll get one normal out of 2. I have a horrible sinking feeling in my heart that I should stop hoping. I don't know what to do now. And I don't know why everything has to be so hard. I don't know if I should keep any hopes up for the remaining embryos, or for the 2 that have been biopsied or for the ones that matured later, or for this cycle over all.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare and find out none of this ever happened. I don't have the energy or the will to fight and hope any more. I don't even have the energy to panic anymore.

I give up.

And then there were...

2009-01-10T11:04:00.001-08:00

Day 3 embryo progress report is in. I was so nervous that the numbers would drop significantly. But thankfully it's not that bad. In fact, it's not bad at all!

Out of the 14, we have 12 that are growing well. Minimal to no fragmentation, good cell division, and according the the embryologist, they are just where we want them to be.

Out of the 4 eggs that matured late and on which "rescue ICSI" was done, 1 is at 5 cells, 1 at 3 cells, 1 at 2 cells and one didn't cleave at all. The 5 cell and 3 cell embryos look promising - they will continue to watch these over the next couple of days.

So as of now, on Monday, the 12 embryos will be biopsied (hopefully all 12 will still be growing then) and vitrified. On Tuesday or Wednesday they will biopsy any of the late bloomers that are still growing at that time, and will vitrify them. This is delayed because these are the late maturing eggs that were fertilized later, and they are physiologically a day or more behind the earlier batch.

We will now hear from them on Monday after the biopsy. The FISH results should be in within a couple of days after that.

I'm feeling more at peace with the numbers now. I was worried that we would lose some from Day 1 to Day 3, and thankfully most of our embryos seem to have grown well. I hope they continue to grow, and form good looking blastocysts on Monday.

I have not heard anything from the insurance guys after my conversation with them yesterday. Given that it's the weekend, I probably won't hear till next week now any way.

Physically I'm doing ok - I think. I'm still very very bloated, and my left ovary hurts when I stand or walk. I have been having a lot of heartburn as well. Painful heartburn. And my back is a little painful. I hope these aren't related with OHSS in any way. I'm trying to drink water and gatorade (DH disagrees, he thinks I'm not drinking enough. I've been telling him to put an IV on me with gatorade dripping into me constantly!!)

Updates

2009-01-09T14:37:00.000-08:00

Many things in life aren't fair. Many times you're blindsided or sucker-punched, and it sucks when that happens. But I'm not giving up without a fair fight. We've fought long and hard at this, and I'm going to claw my way back up.

I've spent a major portion of yesterday licking my wounds and feeling sorry for myself. Many of you came to my pity party - thanks for dropping by. Sorry I didn't serve good booze ;-)

Here's what has transpired since my last post.

I emailed the nurse at CCRM saying I was disappointed with our results and could she check if any of the immature eggs had any hope. She had the embryologist call me again. We went through all the numbers again.

Oocytes Retrieved: 31

Mature eggs: 24

ICSI done on: 24

The break down of the ICSIed eggs:

Normally fertilized: 14

Didn't survive the ICSI procedure due to being fragile: 2

Fertilized abnormally (with multiple nuclei / too much DNA): 6

Mature but damaged egg: 1

Mature but "giant" egg: 1

I asked the embryologist if we had any hopes of any of the other eggs maturing. She said she looked, and it did look like there were 2, possibly 3 that may mature. She would perform ICSI on them, and would call me today with the report. I asked her if it was normal to have so many abnormally fertilized with ICSI. She said it does seem like we had a large number. She also mentioned that some of our embryos are looking "vacuolated". I asked her what that meant, and she said "I'm not sure I know how to explain it, but it looks like your embryos have pockets or vacuoles".

In 4 previous IVFs and several embryos that have been formed and tested and transferred, nobody has every mentioned a quality issue. No egg quality issue, no embryo quality issue. Yes, I accept that all those previous IVFs were done previously, ie, I was younger, if only by a few months. So has the downhill aging process caught up so quickly?

Today, I emailed the sales rep at the insurance company who has been dealing with my ex employer. (I was put in touch with him yesterday by the HR assistant). He called and has confirmed that I do have infertility coverage, and he apologized for the bad information that was given to me. He said he would work with the concerned people to get me my pre-authorizations. He also wished me good luck with the cycle - I thought that was very sweet of him. I have given him all the information he needed, and now I'm waiting for him or someone from his team to get my authorizations done. Thankfully that's one step closer to closure.

Then I called CCRM, and spoke with the embryologist. He said they managed to mature 4 more eggs, and did ICSI on all 4 yesterday. One of them is showing 2 cells today, but they're not sure if it is fertilized or not. (Huh???) The others don't seem to have done anything, but he will leave them in the culture and watch them to see if something happens.

I asked him about the vacuolation and asked if it was a bad thing to have vacuolated embryos. He said it need not necessarily be a bad thing. It's just an observation, but that they really don't know much about vacuolation.

So as of now, we have the 14, and possibly 1 additional that has done some sort of division.

They will call us tomorrow with Day 3 progress and will biopsy the embryos on Monday for PGD. We don't know what the outcome will be. I hope we will have at least something to transfer.

I had got into this cycle thinking I was going to be ok with the knowledge that we tried all we could, no matter what the outcome. But it seems like I am a lot more invested into the process and a failure (God forbid) will be hard to take.

We are back home in CA - for the first time this year! We saw Simba for the first time this year. I slept for 10 hours straight last night - I guess it's good to be home!

Don't tell me I used up my share of magic yesterday

2009-01-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

It's always something isn't it? I was for once SO happy and excited yesterday with my ER numbers. I was ecstatic - I mean, this was the best result I'd had - ever! And I'm the oldest I've ever been!

I just jinx myself by feeling happy. I should just stay in the "fuck it" mode!

I got my fert report. Out of 31 eggs, 24 were mature. They ICSId the 24, and we have only 14 that fertilized! I don't get it! This is the first time we've used ICSI and I think this is the worst fertilization rate we've had. I thought ICSI should make the rates go up! And I know that 14 would be a great number for someone that was not dealing with genetic interferences. But given our situation, we needed way way more than what we're getting!

I don't have all my numbers here, but this is what I know and remember from my previous cycles:

2005, IVF 1

Eggs retrieved: 29

Fertilized: 21

Day 3 update: 15 embryos growing.

2 embryos transferred on day 3, 13 frozen.

2007, IVF 2

Eggs retrieved: 17

I am not sure how many fertilized, but we had 10 for biopsy on day 3

PGD result: 1 normal

2008 IVF 3

Eggs retrieved: 14

Fertilized: 9, and 9 survived for biopsy

PGD result: 1 normal (but not good grade on day 5)

2008: IVF 4

Eggs retrieved: 17

Fertilized: 13

Day 3 - 11 survived for biopsy

PGD result - 2 normal

2009: IVF 5

Eggs retrieved: 31

Fertilized (with ICSI) 14

Biopsy will be on day 5, and now I wonder how many will make it. Given our ratios earlier, we will be lucky to have 1 normal for transfer! :-(

So I'm bummed. To say the least. I don't know what else one can do to make the odds turn more in our favor. I don't know why this is so hard.

And that's not enough. Remember my new insurance? I got active on that on 1/1 and with the holidays and then with stims and doctors and ER etc, I wasn't able to talk to them till today to confirm all my coverage. CCRM also needs a written authorization from the insurance, and as they had said, it would be easier for us to get the authorizations.

But, get this, the insurance tells me I have no infertility coverage. None. Whatsoever. WTF????? It is a state mandate, my ex-employer is NJ based. The benefits summary I got says I have coverage. The website member zone shows me I have coverage. But no. The customer service reps (and we called back twice, just in case we were talking to a moron the first time), tell us we have no coverage. That my employer opted for "Benefits Exclusion" and excluded infertility! WTF!!!!!!

I am now going between emails and phone calls with CCRM (to see if there is any way we can expect maybe a couple more eggs to mature and fertilize) and with my employer (my HR manager is not in office, and the HR assistant says she doesn't understand my question, and can I please email her the terms I'm using, so she can call the rep at the insurance company).

I'm in a funk right now - why the hell does everything have to be so hard? People get drunk and get pregnant for free! People complain about the work it is to have a baby. I have quit my work TO have that baby, and I'm paying through my nose for everything, and still it's like I'm attempting the impossible!

WTF!

They definitely do some magic

2009-01-07T12:37:00.000-08:00

They use the same medications that all other doctors use. They don't use any magic potion of any kind. In fact, in my case, the dosage was half what my local RE would put me on.

They do monitor you VERY VERY closely. Many REs across the country don't believe in such close monitoring. Many don't believe in the blood monitoring, they just go by follicle sizes.

CCRM leaves nothing to chance. They take into account everything that could make a tiny bit of difference.

And here are the results they are able to get from my old ovaries - 31 eggs were retrieved today. Yes, 31, and I'm still in shock!! They don't know yet how many were mature eggs, but they got 31!!!

The day began bright and early, and we were at the clinic by 7:45 AM. I love their special entry for surgery patients - it's all very James Bond-ish. Announce your name and the garage door is opened up for you. You go directly into the surgery center from the garage.

They took a long time to be able to set up my IV today. My veins were not very cooperative for some reason. First they put that hot towel on my left hand, and the nurse tried to poke a vein on my wrist. She put in the local anesthetic, and then went in with the catheter. Apparently my vein moved after that! So she went to another vein a few cm away. Same thing. She put the anesthetic, and the catheter, but my veins were in a slippery mood this morning. She decided she didn't want to poke me any more, and went and called another nurse, who tried on my right hand, and thankfully got a vein to stay in place long enough for the IV to get set.

The anesthesiologist came in, and then Dr Surrey came in. He did my ER today, and he was so warm and friendly! Once I had signed all my consents, they gave me a little cocktail and that's the last I remember. I used to be a fighter, now I'm knocked out even before I am wheeled out of the prep room!!

The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. I saw JJ being wheeled out to the recovery room after her ER. Once I was allowed to get up, I asked the nurses if I could say hi to JJ. That was the highlight of the day - it was so nice to meet her! J - I have to tell you, you're beautiful!! Even in my drugged state, and your drugged state, you looked lovely!

It was so sweet of the nurses to allow me to shuffle over to JJ's recovery area - and can you imagine the sight? Me shuffling there in the back open gown, with a sheet wrapped around me for modesty, my feet in those blue booties, with DH walking with me, carrying my IV bag! Comical, aren't we?

We will find out the fert report tomorrow. And because of the large number of eggs they got, they want me to come in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to see if my ovaries look ok. Also, Dr Schoolcraft decided they would do ICSI after all. I'm trusting them wholeheartedly now, so I didn't refuse or argue.

We plan to fly back to CA tomorrow evening, after we get the fert report in.

That's it people - I'm going to get some sleep now. I'm still whoozy from the anesthesia, but I can't tell you how quickly I got up and sat up once I heard how many eggs they got! Thanks for your prayers and vibes, and thank you God for listening to my prayers!

PS - On a side note: This morning, while we were waiting for the garage door to be opened for us, we saw Dr School.craft in his car, on the phone, in the parking lot. He drives a fancy shmancy BMW 750i - one that many of us have helped pay for! Just a little tidbit of general knowledge for you guys!

Laying eggs....

2009-01-06T09:17:00.001-08:00

The other day, my cousin had called to wish us Happy New Year. She said she had tried me at home, but didn't get us, and she was asking where we were. I told her we were in Denver (I did not want to get into details, but did not want to lie either, so I was trying to be vague and ambiguous by mentioning we were here for "some work"). She wasn't buying. She wanted to know how come we weren't off for New Years. So I told her we were seeing a doctor in Denver. And in the course of my conversation with her, she asked "So what are you doing in Denver this trip?" And I almost said "Oh I'm just here to lay my eggs!"

Yeah, that's what I'm doing technically. I'm just going to lay my eggs and scoot back to CA. Hopefully my eggs will hatch and all of that, and in the end I will succeed in becoming Mother Hen!

The way forward from here was what we discussed with the nurse for a long time yesterday. I of course wanted the shortest wait between ER and FET, because as you all know, I've been waiting forever, and I'm running out of patience, money, and things to do!

We have 2 options. One is to wait for AF after ER, put me on estrogen patches, and come in for FET when the lining looks ready. This is the shorter option - but this would also take about 4 weeks.

The second option is to wait for AF after ER, start on BCP for 14 days, overlap with Lupron, get another AF, and start estrogen patches thereafter to thicken the lining.

CCRM suggests the second option. They say this way we have a few advantages:

1) My body will completely be rid of the hormones that are racing through it right now.

2) 2 AFs is better to shed all the old / hormonal lining and get started with fresh lining.

3) They can time everything better if they have me on BCP so they can predict what will happen when.

Much as I hated doing this, but I found myself telling the nurse that we would go with her suggestion of Option 2. Having come this far, I don't want to compromise ANYTHING. In the grand scheme of things, a few extra weeks don't matter (Of course it's beside the point that my grand scheme of things has been dragging on and in the making since 2001!!!)

The trigger shot went well last night. I didn't even feel the needle, so I promptly gave credit to the lard I'm carrying on my butt. DH was annoyed that I didn't give him the credit for giving me a painless injection! I went in this morning to have my blood drawn AGAIN!! They just want to check if the HcG got absorbed as expected. They said that sometimes they have to call patients in to give them another shot if the absorption didn't happen like they need it to.

So the egg farm is getting ready for harvest tomorrow! I will post an update tomorrow when I'm able to. I hope we get a good harvest. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

And now, some pictures of the infertility mecca we know is CCRM:

This is in the waiting area - this is where you go in for your blood work and ultrasounds or meetings with your nurse etc. The doctors see you on the other side of the hall.

Another view of the waiting area:

This is the entrance area:

This is a shot of the clinic from the road - the entrance is at the back of the building:

Trigger tonight!

2009-01-05T15:51:00.000-08:00

Whoot whoot whoot! I am triggering tonight!

Today went really well. I took DH in with me for the u/s, and he counted more than 20 follicles. That put my mind at rest immediately. Then the nurse came in and she also said things looked great, and she was pretty sure I would get to trigger tonight.

Thereafter we got to spend time with the genetic counselor, who took us through the details of the chromosome translocation issue we're dealing with, told us the details of the FISH analysis that we need our embryos to go through. She had us sign some 1 million consents - basically, anything that can go wrong and does go wrong is not their fault! :-)

We spent some time with our nurse after that, and she answered some questions I had. When I was given my protocol, they had said they would do ICSI for us, and somehow that was stuck in my head as something which COULD be bad for us. Why? Because of DH's translocation. I was just worried that if we hand select the sperm and ICSI the eggs to fertilize, what if we choose sperm that are unbalanced? There's no way of telling from the outside. There's no way of testing the sperm and selecting normal ones, because the test is a destructive test, ie, it needs a cell to be taken out for testing, and that's the one cell the sperm has. After testing, there's no sperm left. So we felt it would be better to leave it to nature and let whatever balanced / unbalanced embryos form on their own. The nurse called the genetic counselor in, and all of us decided that it was best to let fertilization happen on it's own.

My E2 today was 4239, P4 at .3 something, and I've been instructed to take the trigger shot at 10 PM tonight. I do have to go in for blood work tomorrow, but it's going to be a shot free day otherwise! Yippee!!!

ER will be at 9 AM on Jan 7.

(How awesome is it that my calendar has gone EXACTLY according to the schedule they gave me 2 months ago?)

Quick little update

2009-01-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

Thanks for your support - I'm trying not to panic. I'm trying to remember that there's NOTHING we can do to make more eggs and follicles, and I am going to continue to trust the doctors. Like all of you have told me, they are among the best in their field for a reason, and I'm going to let them do their job.

My E2 today is at 3084, LH at 1.7, and P4 at .3 something. They have asked me to reduce Gonal F to 37.5 iu for tonight and NOT do Menopur tomorrow morning. Huh - I've never even heard of a 37.5 iu Gonal F dose before! But then again - they are experts in this field for a reason. They are obviously on top of everything and are monitoring me so closely. So yes, tiny little injection today - 37.5 iu is just one click of the pen (those of you that have used the pen will know what I'm talking about!) :-)

I get the feeling I'll get to trigger tomorrow - what do you guys think? And yes, I'm going to make DH come in for the u/s with me tomorrow. I want him to see the follicles and count them for me!

What if...........???

2009-01-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

I’m going to panic a little here today. I know I’ve been going in for my daily monitoring, and I know my follicles are growing, and I’ve been sharing the pictures of the measurements with you guys. Everyday after the u/s, they have you wait in a meeting room, and a nurse comes and goes over your follicle sizes with you. So far every day the nurse (and it’s been a different nurse EVERYDAY!) has been coming in and gushing over how great things look, and how well I’m responding.

And I’ve been believing that. I’ve asked the u/s tech a couple of times how many follicles total they see there, and the response has been “Oh, plenty!” or “Don’t worry, there’s a whole bunch”. In fact this morning, the tech said “It looks like a cluster of grapes in there.”

However, this morning, the nurse that met me after my u/s said “It looks like we have 11 follicles.” I flipped. What if I get only 11 follicles and only 11 eggs total?

Now, at my age, 11 is not bad. But, 11 would be the worst I’ve ever had in an IVF cycle. And, given DH’s translocation, and the fact that our embryos need to go through PGD, I need to be making WAY more than 11 eggs! That’s just to account for eggs that may not be mature, or eggs that may not fertilize, or embryos that may not divide and grow normally, and most importantly, embryos that will have abnormal PGD results. There’s going to be egg / embryo waste at each stage, and if we’re starting with 11, we may have nothing left to transfer!

Just going by history, in the last 3 IVF cycles, we have had between 10-13 embryos that went in for biopsy and PGD, and we got only 1, 1 and 2 normals in each cycle, respectively. So 90% of our embryos have historically been unbalanced by the translocation! So to have even 1 normal, we need around 10 blastocysts on day 5 to biopsy!!

I guess part of my panic is coming from not knowing. See, in CA, my local RE would count all my follicles, and we usually were pretty much on track with how many we’d get eventually. Here, a) they are counting only the big ones, and b) the monitors are usually sort of turned away, and I can’t see for myself if there are any more that I can count. Also, in CA, DH always came into the u/s room with me, and if I couldn’t see the monitor, he could stand where he could see the monitor and could count the follicles for us. Here, none of the DH’s seem to go in when the u/s tech calls out names. So he’s been waiting outside while I go in on my own.

I think tomorrow I’m going to make him come inside with me for my u/s, so he can see what I can’t. Oh my goodness – I hope there is an u/s tomorrow! What if I’m triggering tonight? Oh God, now I’m going to be freaking out till they call me with instructions today!

Calming vibes please? Please knock some sense into my head! I know I’m in panic mode but I don’t know what to do about it right now.

Getting there

2009-01-03T12:26:00.000-08:00

I'm glad we ran around (or drove around) during the last couple of days and did the touristy sightseeing stuff around here. I was able to keep up with the exertion. But I think that's done - no more running around for me for a few days. Today, I'm feeling the watermelons that have replaced my ovaries! Goodness!! Bye Bye jeans, hello sweat pants!

Also, the good weather that we were having is gone. It's snowing today, and cowardly me doesn't have it in me to venture out and brave it!

Follicle factory doing well - things are progressing as planned. My e2 yesterday was at 1138, and today's level is at 1800-something (I forget the actual number) {That's my E2 level, not a 1-800 number for 'something'}

If you're interested, here is today's follicle picture:

Now for the not so good part. I'm feeling a little nauseous and queasy today. The nurse also cautioned me about OHSS, because I seem to have a big bunch of follicles that are growing in there. She said however, that my E2 levels were good, so I will probably be alright. So I'm keeping myself hydrated, and am trying to eat well as well. (By the way, I had my physical yesterday to prepare for ER, and they found my iron level to be slightly low, and want me to eat iron rich foods)

I hope I don't hyperstimulate - that won't be fun.

(I think my posts in the past couple of weeks have been so boring. So "journal entry" type and report like. I'm not feeling very creative these days, and really, a large part of the intention right now IS just that - to have a journal of the progress of this cycle. So I apologize if you're getting bored reading, I promise to think of some interesting things to talk about soon!)

Today

2009-01-02T17:52:00.000-08:00

60 something degrees today, but now we know, it's the "warm before the storm". Snow is expected tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm also extremely thankful we got such awesome weather during our trip here. We were able to do so much outdoor stuff!

My appointment today went well too. Follicles are growing well, and I have been asked to ~ get this ~ lower my Gonal F dose for today! I didn't get to talk to the nurse when she called me with instructions, so I don't have my blood hormone numbers for today. I go back tomorrow morning, and will try and get the numbers then.

Here is today's cell phone picture of the follicles the u/s tech measured:

We went and spent the day at Estes Park and Rocky Mountain National Park. The drive up there was gorgeous, and as we went up into the hills, the snow was beautiful! Here are some pictures:

This was on the way from CCRM towards Estes Park.

This is at the entrance of Estes Park (as is obvious in the picture!)

This is Estes Park Lake - the color was an amazing deep blue - it was so pretty!!

This is in Rocky Mountain National Park. Bear Lake - completely frozen!

We also saw a bunch of wildlife - loads of elk etc.

I'm mentally pretty relaxed, and am looking forward to seeing how many eggs they can retrieve. The nurse said we should be looking at triggering maybe on Monday or Tuesday. The largest follicles today were in the 15 mm range. I am feeling bloated and I can feel the twinges going on inside. They are asking me to stay hydrated and not exert myself too much. I'm chugging on water, and I told the nurse we were planning to go to Estes Park today, and she said it was ok as long as I didn't trek too much. So we drove around a lot.

We're now back in the room. DH is cooking dinner, and I'm watching TV, and blogging. What more can a girl want? :-)

What???? Where’s the snow?

2009-01-01T18:03:00.000-08:00

So here we are in Colorado, but where’s the snow? Today was a nice warm 54 degree day here, no sign of any snow or anything! No no no, I’m not complaining! I’m loving it!

We arrived yesterday, found our way to the rental car, and to the hotel, checked in, then went hunting for a grocery store, picked up some essentials, had dinner, and came back to the room to wait for the remaining hours of 2008 to go away.

This morning, my u/s appointment at CCRM went well. The u/s tech didn’t measure all the follicles – she said that it’s enough to measure the larger ones, because they just want to get an idea of the progress. My larger couple of follicles are in the 12 mm range, and there are a bunch of them in the 11 and 10 mm range. So it looks like the scare of one follicle gaining dominance is gone. The tech was listing the measurements on the screen, and I took a picture from my cell phone before I left the room – it’s a little shaky, but hopefully you’ll be able to see something!

My blood results looked ok too – P4 at 0.2, E2 at 646, LH at 1.2. CCRM wants me to continue on the same dose tonight, and I go back to see them tomorrow.

Since we’re here in CO, and since we’ve paid so much for the trip, we have decided to make a vacation of it as well. We spent a gorgeous day outside today. It was just breath-taking! We went to the Garden of the Gods, which has amazing red rock formations – the views are spectacular!! Then we went through the historic town of Manitou Springs, and went ahead to the Caves of the Winds. Again, beautiful! The visit to the caves was like a visit back to high school, to geography lessons. I could picture my Geography teacher, drilling “stalactites and stalagmites” into our heads. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a stalactite or a stalagmite in real life before. These caves had hundreds – beautiful gorgeous formations! After that we went up into the hills on a dirt road off of the highway. Both DH and I LOVE these drives into the hills – that’s like a weekly pastime for us! We just love to drive into nature, without maps, without knowing where the next turn will lead us! Here are some pictures:

So all in all, we’ve had a lovely day. I’m feeling good about 2009. So good, that I thought I’d check my “annual horoscope” on MSN. Hahahaha – I shouldn’t have! Here’s what it said:

Anyhow, we're here, we're doing what we have to. The rest is up to fate. We've dealt with everything for so long, we'll deal with whatever comes our way now.

Happy New Year everyone!

The eggs they are a cookin'

2008-12-30T15:21:00.000-08:00

The egg farm is busy! I have done 3 full days of stims so far, and one additional day of menopur (I do the Gonal F and Lupron in the evenings). I had my first follie check this morning. My little ovaries sure have been busy!

Dr M measured about 11 follicles on one side and about 9 on the other. Some of them were still pretty small, at 4 mm or so, but the largest one was at 9.5, and the closest smaller ones were at 8, 7.5 and 7 etc. Dr M. was a little concerned that the one that was at 9.5 COULD show a tendency of gaining dominance, but he said a lot would depend on the blood results.

CCRM called back and said my blood work looked fine, E2 was at 162, and P4 was at 0.2. They want me to continue with the same dose - 75 iu Menopur, 150 iu Gonal F, 5 units Lupron, and Dexamethasone.

I have to admit I was freaking out the whole time after the u/s visit till the phone call from CCRM. I was thinking I had spoken too soon when I said my body responds well to meds, and I was thinking "I knew it!! The low dose is what's messing everything up!" and I was imagining them calling and saying "OK, never mind, you have one dominant follicle and we are canceling your IVF!"

I asked them if the one larger follicle was anything to worry about (even though it's really only 1.5 mm bigger than the next smaller one). The nurse said that in their perspective, it's not. She said everything looks good.

DH says I am genetically tuned to worry. He thinks my brain NEEDS a reason to worry, and if there isn't anything to worry about, THAT becomes the reason. It's like a homing device in my brain - whirring around, looking for the worry objective!

OK - I just wanted to update you guys on today's progress. I need to pack and do 1 million things before tomorrow, so I'd better get off my butt now.

I will try and post an update once we reach Denver tomorrow night, but if I don't get to, and if I don't "talk" to you any more this year, here's wishing you a fantastic new year! May 2009 bring you and your family peace, joy, fulfilled dreams and much more!

Hugs to you all - and thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding my hand and helping me keep my sanity (or what's left of it!)

Mmmmwwwwaaaah to all of you!

The year in review

2008-12-28T18:25:00.000-08:00

Dec 31, 2007 - We were in England, nearing the end of our WTF getaway after our m/c a few weeks before that. We spent New Years Eve with cousins at their home. It was a pretty quiet New Years Eve. We welcomed in 2008 with a strong hope of better things to come.

Jan 2008 - I continued to feel stressed at work. My job was client facing, and I needed to be projecting a smiling and happy face all the time, on phone and in person. I was finding that very hard to do, given that I didn’t have much to FEEL happy about. DH had quit his job a few months before that, and was working on launching a company. He was building the concept, and getting software development done. I needed to continue working to keep the money coming, and to continue my health insurance.

Feb 2008 - After a tough January, February didn’t seem to be getting better. The last straw was a discussion with my manager where she mentioned “Your team could have done better numbers in December”. I couldn’t believe that she was being so insensitive to what I had gone through in December. I had not even taken any time off after my D&C – I was back at work the very next working day! Had she mentioned my team’s numbers for January, I could have accepted that perhaps I was taking longer than usual to “get over it” and perhaps I should pull my act together and not let my work suffer. But to take things back to December was a bit too much for me. I also realized that if I was so stressed at work, I was not going to be in a positive frame of mind for my next IVF(s). And I was not getting any younger. I HAD to focus on my treatments and TTC more than anything else.

I spent the next few days thinking things through. We crunched our numbers to see if we could afford to live without a salary coming into the house. After several discussions between DH and me, and after several spreadsheets and number crunching sessions, our decision was made. I quit my job. We were scheduled to go to India for my brother’s wedding at the end of February, so I stayed on at my job till the end of February, training a couple of people to take over my role, transitioning out my clients and informing everyone that I was leaving (My manager wanted to tell the clients I was going on “leave for an indefinite period of time”, but I didn’t want to lie to anyone.)

March 2008 -  We were in India for my brother’s wedding. 2 nights before his wedding, we were all at a pub, drinking and dancing. I skidded on the floor, twisted my knee, and ended up with a stress fracture on my knee. I had to attend my only brother’s wedding in a full leg cast, on crutches! Further travel plans in India (to my hometown, to my in-laws’ place) were shelved. We tried to upgrade our economy return tickets to business class (because I couldn’t fold my leg to fit in an economy seat). Our cheap ass tickets could not be returned, upgraded, canceled or changed in anyway. So we ended up spending $6000 in new full priced business class tickets for both DH and me (the airline would not let me travel alone in business class!) And we had to get back because I had IVF#3 scheduled to start at the end of March.

We got back here, and asked my knee doctor if we could proceed with IVF. He allowed us to. We asked my RE if it was ok to go through IVF while I was still hopping around on crutches – and he said it was ok, as long as I was not on any medication.

So we proceeded with IVF # 3

April 2008 -  Chemical pregnancy. Low first beta, started falling at the second beta and was gone by the third. I was heart broken! But determined to get moving on. We scheduled IVF #4.

May 2008 -  I did acupuncture before starting stims for IVF#4.

June 2008 -  BFP!! We were overjoyed! Nicely doubling betas and everything seemed perfect. But even before the month was out, I had a strange feeling that something was not right. I requested for an early u/s, and they couldn’t find anything in my uterus. No yolk sac, no nothing. They repeated blood work and u/s a couple of times. No miracles happening in there.

July 2008 -  Plateaued HcG levels. I had numerous blood tests, while they waited for me to “miscarry on my own”. Finally on July 16, I had a D&C. HcG started rising after that! On July 18, I was given methotrexate to stop the growth of the embryo wherever it was – they weren’t able to find the embryo at all. The rest of the month was spent getting blood tests every second day, tracking my HcG down to 0. The process took 3 weeks!

August 2008 - WTF re-group with local RE, Dr. M. He suggested that we talk to CCRM (and I had been reading a lot about CCRM myself). We decided to go ahead, and had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft the same month.

September 2008 -  Went to Denver for our one-day work up. Dr Schoolcraft felt my uterus was abnormally shaped and that before we proceeded with further treatment, he wanted to increase the room in my uterus.

October 2008 - Traveled back to Denver for my uterine surgery to fix my “sort of T shaped uterus”.

November 2008 -  Waiting

December 2008-  Post op visit to Denver. My uterus looks good. I started my shots for IVF #5. As of right now, we have 2 days to go before we leave for Denver on the 31st!

So it’s been an eventful year, to say the least. A lot has happened. We have survived the year, curtailing our lifestyle, living on a lower budget. We have survived on our savings. We have built stronger foundations in our marriage. Our “fair weather friends” have disappeared (though I’m sure if we invite all those people for a party even today, they’ll be here in 10 minutes!!). Our “true friends” have emerged and stuck with us. We have launched our company, in the midst of a shocking economic downturn, which we had not anticipated. We have not made any money yet, but are keeping our fingers crossed!

We have our fingers crossed for many things in our lives at this point. We hope our company does well. We hope our IVF works out and we get to bring home a baby in 2009.

I have a lot of hopes for 2009. I hope I’m not disappointed. I know that like me, there are many of you out there who are hoping for miracles and BFPs and babies in 2009. I hope and pray for all of us. I hope 2009 is our year!

Let the games begin!

2008-12-26T11:59:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas!

I had my baseline u/s and blood work this morning. If there's anything that responds the way it's supposed to, (knock on wood), it's my body on meds. Suppression check looked good. No cysts on the ovaries, AF came when she was supposed to, nothing weird going on.

CCRM just called and gave me the go ahead on starting stims tomorrow. So I start with 75 iu Menopur in the morning, 150 iu Gonal F in the evening, reduce Lupron to 5 iu, and continue on the dexamethasone.

I asked my local RE here about the lower doses, and he thinks it's fair to start low and see how I respond, and increase the dose if need be. Also he said that my ovaries are showing a decent number of antral follicles, and according to him, things are looking better than they did at my last couple of IVFs with him.

I have my first follie u/s and blood work on Tuesday, and we are scheduled to fly to Denver on Wednesday! Wow - we just have 4 full days before we leave!

2008 is drawing to a close as well. Actually I can't wait for the year to be over - 2008 brought with it many many trials and tribulations, and I'm ready to move on to the next chapter, the next calendar of events. Last year, after our m/c, we thought that nothing could be worse, and that 2008 would definitely be a better year. We know better now. Things COULD be worse, and they were.

I'm looking forward to 2009 to bring us the change in the direction of the wind that we all so desperately need.

Booty Call????

2008-12-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

Anyone else hear about this? Booty Call service by Baby.center?

So last night we were watching the local news. They kept giving these teasers saying "Coming up..... the latest high tech method couples are using to help them get pregnant!! Stay tuned!!" We kept watching, waiting for that piece to come on. Finally, it did.

I couldn't believe what they were saying! Baby.center has a new service called "Booty Call" where they send you SMS messages during your "ovulation window" to "remind you to have sex"!!! And the woman they had profiled was "Trying for our 4th child, I have a part time job, there's ballet lessons, soccer practice, day care and so many things to do, that I'm so short of time!!"

4th child??? Lady, shut up and get off my TV set!!!!! I mean, seriously! If you guys want to do a piece on "high tech methods couples are using to help them get pregnant", do a real life piece! Do a piece that involves real high tech methods! Send your reporters to our blogs, you'll find all your material yourself!!

This is the silly crap they dish out to people, and that's what the normal public believes! The baby.center rep was talking about this service "We send you a text message once at the beginning of your ovulation window, once three days after that, and once right at the end of your ovulation window. Your husband gets the exact same text message. This way, you are both aware of the best time in your cycle to make you pregnant. We know that people have busy lives and don't have time to track their calendars."

How I wish our reason for not getting pregnant was just pure simple "Lack of time to have sex!!" Oh, I'm so busy running from ballet lessons to soccer practice to PTA meetings for my 3 children!!! Yeah, right!!!!

OK - rant over! :-) And by the way - I don't mean to sound rude to anyone who has children and is trying for a second, third or even fourth child. I mean, if you're "trying" and having trouble, I totally get you, and I fully support you. But if your "trouble" is that you have no time, then I'm a little peeved!

On another note - I'm over being angry about having to wait for FET. Yes, it will be 6 weeks longer, but what are we to do. I don't want to pressure CCRM into doing the biopsy earlier, or anything like that. I know they're doing what is best for us, and I know we'll be ok in the end. Thanks all of you for your support yesterday. DH was so cute - he cooked dinner for me, cleared up after dinner, took me out today, and basically helped me calm down. So I'm ok now :-)

Lord, how much longer!!!

2008-12-23T16:41:00.000-08:00

I was wanting to write a post about all the nesting instincts I was having recently. I was counting the days in my mind, thinking of all the "clearing up" and "sorting out" I had to do before we leave for Denver, because "When we come back, I'll be in my 2ww, and then I'll be pregnant, and won't be able to do a lot of the stuff I want to do".

And get this, I even started knitting!!!! If you're someone who knows me, you'll know how UNLIKE me that is! Knitting! I have nothing against it, and have a lot of respect for people who can create beautiful things out of yarn and needles. My mom knits, and I love the stuff she makes for us. But somehow, it's never been something I would pick up on my own to do. Yet, this weekend, I had this huge urge to knit. I went and got yarn, and needles, got on the internet, learnt how to cast stitches, and began to knit. It's not a very ambitious project, it's just a scarf, but hey, for me, that's the most "nestive" I've been!!

And then today, we got a call from the genetic counselor at CCRM. Apparently they have decided we are going to do a freeze all cycle. So essentially, POOF!! There goes my visions of coming back from Denver during my 2ww, and getting a BFP after that. I need to re-adjust my vision to - come back from Denver after ER, and go back in 6 weeks AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Let me explain what they are planning to do. See, because DH has a balanced translocation, our embryos need to go through PGD. The process of PGD requires a biopsy - where they remove one or more cells from the embryo, and then a FISH analysis, which is the process by which they do the actual testing.

So far, the local clinic (and most other clinics in the nation) do the biopsy on day 3, get the PGD results back by day 5 for a transfer on day 5 itself.

Dr Schoolcraft and CCRM's embryologist / geneticists suggested that we try a slightly different approach. They said they would biopsy the embryos on day 5, instead of day 3. This could be helpful in 3 ways:

1) On day 3, the cells are not yet divided into the inner cell mass and the trophoblast. (The inner cell mass is what forms the baby, and the trophoblast forms the placenta and membranes around the baby. The genetic material in all these cells is the same) So when they biopsy, they could be taking out a cell which would potentially have grown to form part of the inner cell mass, which forms the baby. (Note - there is no evidence that this harms the baby, but in the event that it COULD, the RE was wondering if we could avoid the biopsy on Day 3)

By day 5, the inner cell mass and trophoblast are defined, and the biopsy could be done such that cells are removed from the trophoblast only.

2) Since by day 5, the blastocyst has 60-80 cells, we COULD take more than 1 for biopsy. This way we can reduce any error rates the lab may have. If they have a doubt, they can have a backup cell or two to repeat the tests.

3) By day 5, we will also know much more about the general health of the embryos.

So they plan to do the biopsy on day 5. At first they told us we would do a day 6 transfer (which could be touch and go, because embryos MAY not survive in the lab culture beyond day 5). Even for a potential Day 6 transfer, we were going to have to really hope and pray and keep our fingers crossed that the results came back within the 24 hours between the biopsy and Day 6.

Well, CCRM has decided to leave the guessing out of the game. They have decided they will biopsy on Day 5, and vitrify the embryos right then. It could take 24 to 48 hours for the results to come back, but they want us to come back maybe in 6 weeks for a FET.

Advantages of FET under these circumstances:

1) We aren't going to be left wondering if the embryos will survive in the lab culture beyond Day 5.

2) My body will have time to get rid of the effects of the stims that I will be on, and will have time to prime up my uterine lining for ET.

We were worried that since we usually have only 1 or 2 normal embryos after PGD, and since the thawing process kills 30-40% of the embryos, what if the 1 or 2 good ones die? But they tell us that the new process of freezing that they use - flash freezing or vitrification - has ensured that they haven't lost any embryos to thaw related deaths.

My first reaction when I got off the phone today - complete anger and frustration! How much longer must this whole thing drag out??? In the time that I have been waiting to get started since my ectopic pregnancy in June/July - people have almost their third trimesters of their pregnancies!!!

CCRM had told me when they gave me the IVF calendar that we COULD freeze all, and that we would decide that after ER, depending on how the embryos are growing, and how things look then. So we could have received this news right at the nth hour.

Somehow, even though we have advance notice of it, I'm still mad. I'm mad that this whole process is so much out of our control, and that there's nothing we can do to change that fact. I'm mad that I've put my whole life on hold - all of 2008 has gone in just waiting.

I know I will have to accept this, and that it's probably for the best, and that the doctors are doing what they can to improve our chances, but I'm just feeling so impatient right now! I know I'll be more relaxed about it tomorrow. I know that I will take this too in my stride tomorrow - but right now, I feel like screaming.

I'm honored and touched

2008-12-23T10:13:00.000-08:00

Heavyheart from "Empty Hug" put me on such a pedestal today! Read this! I'm floored - totally floored! Thanks HH, I can't tell you how much your post meant to me today! Thanks for being there and helping lift my spirits when I've felt low and hopeless. Thanks for letting me be part of your blog and life, and I hope that soon our blogs turn to pregnancy and parenting blogs and we can continue to share each others' journeys.

Margelina also nominated me for a bloggy award - thanks Margelina!

The rules for this award are to list your 5 addictions and to pass the award on to 5 people.

5 addictions?? Umm - let's see here......

1) Definitely the internet. I don't know how I survived before it came around. Blogs / email / google - they are like the fix I need to be able to face the day!

2) My morning cup of chai (tea). I know I am supposed to cut out caffeine from my diet, and believe me, I try. But I can't. The thing is, I don't have tea or coffee or soda or anything all day long. I need that one cup in the morning. I have physical withdrawal symptoms if I don't have my cuppa tea in the morning! My head hurts till I give in.

3) "Friends" - I was so sad when the show ended. I still watch the re-runs sometimes.

4) "Health" magazine. I love it. I don't know why, but I love it. I subscribe to it, and religiously read it, cover to cover every month!

5) Sadly - researching IF. This has become an addiction over the years. I can't read and know enough. I'm constantly researching topics, reading up on medications etc.

I would like to give this to HeavyHeart, April, Lisa, Dora, and Nity.

I do have a couple of things to talk about - will do so later today or tomorrow.

9 days to go

2008-12-22T09:45:00.000-08:00

We are scheduled to leave for Denver in 9 days, on 12/31. That is, provided all goes on schedule, and my body behaves itself. I have my baseline u/s and bloodwork scheduled for this Friday. So far (knock on wood), I've never had an issue with cysts or anything, and I'm hoping no surprises get sprung on me this time.

Assuming all goes well, I start stims on Saturday. So starting Saturday, I will be moving to 3 shots per day, as opposed to the one per day I'm on right now. So far, Lupron has not turned me into a lunatic. (DH may very promptly disagree here - yes, I've snapped at him for no apparent reason a couple of times recently - but hey, you take all these meds and shots, and then let's see!)

The Dexamethasone induced insomnia seems to be adjusting as well. I guess my sleep is way too precious and overpowering for a tiny pill to be able to ward off for too long! I've been sleeping better for the last couple of days, compared to when I started the medicine last week.

Overall, I'm feeling calm. Very calm. It's strange, but I'm always very calm during my treatment cycles. I'm not feeling any "what if" panic attacks coming on. I'm not feeling "Yippeee - this is going to work and I know it!!". I'm just feeling "still" and calm.

I don't know the outcome of this IVF. I don't know what frame of mind I will be in, one month from now, 2 months from now, 1 year from now. I do know that I'm doing the best that I can, given the circumstances.

I have a little external panic situation going on though. I am FREAKING out at the thought of the weather in Denver! See, I'm a sorry combination of being an owner of a "It never snows in the Bay Area, CA" wardrobe, and "I'm from the tropical heat of India and I cannot IMAGINE temperatures like those!!"

We don't have any experience with scraping snow off our cars, nor do we have experience with driving in the snow. To make sure we weren't signing up for a sure shot disastrous trip (what with a rental car and everything), we checked if the hotel we're at has a shuttle service. Thank goodness they do! And thank goodness CCRM is as popular as it is, because the concierge on the phone even told us "Just tell us the timings of your appointments, and we will make sure the shuttle is available!" Sweet!!

My "to-do before leaving for Denver" and "to-do for Denver" lists are getting ready, and items getting crossed off already. The days are rolling by, and time draws near.

OK - it's official

2008-12-18T10:54:00.001-08:00

I think it is the Dexa.methasone. I was awake many times last night too. So it's not total insomnia - as in, I do fall asleep, but I wake up ever so often!

Well then, we'll have to get used to it huh? I'm not complaining, maybe this is practice to wake up every hour AFTER the baby is here!! LOL!

Since I woke up so many times in the night, I'm not sure if what I am about to relate was a dream, or was it my mind drifting and imagining things while I was awake. But I had very vivid images in my mind when I finally woke up. I dreamt/visualized that DH and I are in a hospital. I have just had a baby - and may I tell you it is the CUTEST baby in the world! :-)

We create an email account for the baby, (and I even have enough details that it was a g.mail account hahaha). We attach a picture of the baby, and the baby sends out his own birth announcements individually to family and friends.

Now if I could just make that vision come true!!

On another note - everyone out there - if you are ordering a bunch of drugs for injectable cycles or IVF, and your shipment is delivered to you with all medications in it in bulk, ALWAYS make sure you double check.

Make sure you get a copy of the prescription from your doctors office (if they send it directly to the pharmacy), and make sure you check off what you've received.

During my last IVF, and this one, I have noticed medications that are missing. Last time it was Menopur and I had to buy it locally since the mail order pharmacy was out of stock. This time it's Folgard. I've been following up since last week, and after several false promises (It will be shipped out today, It will be shipped out tomorrow), today I found out that Folgard as a brand is being discontinued, and the pharmacy needs to check with my doctors office if they can send me an alternate. And of course, they somehow don't think it's important to inform the patient when they're out of stock, or when they aren't including part of your prescription in the shipment!

So ladies - don't assume you've got all your medication when your pharmacy sends it to you. CHECK the list!!

One Down

2008-12-17T16:06:00.000-08:00

One Lupron shot and one pill of dexamethasone down. How many to go? Man - like, 30 more? Hopefully lesser than 30!

So I have a question for you guys. I've been on Lu.pron before, and usually I don't experience too many of it's bad side effects - the so called Lup.ron hell has not descended on me ever, yet. I hope I am not speaking too soon!

Dexa.methasone - I've never been on this drug before. I know some of you have, and possibly some haven't. I always like to research the side effects of any new medication that I am starting so I know what to expect and so I don't start to freak out when something starts happening to me.

Dexa.methasone's side effects listed a possibility of insomnia. That's on the one hand. On the other, they tell you to take it at bed time. If it causes insomnia, isn't it better to take the medicine during the day, like early in the morning?

And in any case, can one tiny pill cause sleeplessness? I ask because I couldn't sleep AT ALL all of last night! I fell asleep at my usual time, right after I took my medicines, and was WIDE AWKE one hour later, and thereafter woke up what felt like every 3 minutes.

I also decided I was feeling too warm for my own comfort. I made DH turn off the heating - mind you, the temperature outside was freezing last night. I stuck my feet out of the covers, and tossed and turned all night. My poor poor DH was almost frozen by the morning. His ears and nose tip were so cold!

Psychosomatic illness? Or has the hormonal, drug induced IVF alter ego made an early appearance? If she's already here, she's going to get really ugly this time! Or am I just imagining everything? I mean, I've been down this road so many times before, who gets side effects from ONE dose?

I guess I'm going to wait for tonight and see - let's see if I get to sleep, and if I can stay cool under the covers.

On another note, in 2 weeks from today, we will be arriving in Denver right about now (hopefully, if my follicles and my body don't mess with me). I am so excited that it's almost time!

Waiting

2008-12-16T14:51:00.000-08:00

Father’s day 2008. I had POASed that morning, and seen 2 lines. This was from IVF #4, and we were to go for beta the next day.

Once my BFP was confirmed, we waited for the elusive u/s – 2 weeks after the second beta (by the way the betas had doubled – more than doubled NICELY!)

A little over a week after the second beta, I started getting a feeling that something wasn’t right. I don’t know – like a sixth sense. I had a little cramping. Not unusual. I had very very slight brown spotting. Not unusual again.

Then why did I feel something was wrong? I don’t know. I couldn’t wait another week for my u/s. So I called the doctor and requested to be seen earlier because of my “bad feeling”.

They agreed. Everything went south from there. No sac, or maybe a sac, come back in 2 days, let’s wait another week, no, we still don’t see anything, repeat your beta, come back in 2 days etc etc etc. Doesn’t look good, let’s do a D&C. HcG is still rising. Doesn’t look good, let’s give you methotrexate. HcG FINALLY begins to go down.

From then, I waited till almost the middle of August for my HcG levels to fall down to negative. My arms were sore from blood draws every 3 days. My heart was dead from what was going on. My brain was tired. Yet we waited.

Then we waited to regroup with the RE. Our RE suggested CCRM, and we discussed it, and I called for an appointment.

Then we waited for our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft.

Then we waited for AF to schedule our 1 day work up. (This was the only wait which was short).

Then, after the 1 day work up, we waited for AF to schedule my surgery.

Then we waited 6 weeks to go back for post op hysteroscopy.

Then we waited for 12/16 to arrive.

Today is exactly 6 months since the beta of my last IVF. I have been waiting 6 months to be able to move on.

Today I am waiting for the day to move on so it can be evening and I can do my injection and “officially” get started.

Everything about IF is all about waiting, is it not? We wait to get started, then we wait to find out the results – wait, wait, wait – always!

I wish I could look into a crystal ball or something and know what awaits us on the other side. It may make waiting unnecessary, or worth the while.

Tags, awards, and the future

2008-12-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

Kymberli had recently nominated me for the Brillante Weblog award! Kym - thank you so much! Coming from you, it's like receiving an Oscar! Ahem ahem - I'd like to thank....... ok never mind.

My blog is like free therapy for me. Most of the time I feel so much lighter and relieved after I've spilled my guts out here! The relief and light feeling gets enhanced with each comment I receive on my blog.

Some of the blogs I would like to nominate for this award are: Linda, Lisa, April, and Shelby.

I look forward to their posts with total OCD type intensity (LOL)

Now, on to my tag:

April tagged me to list 7 random facts about myself.

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

I remember doing a similar tag game a few months ago, so I'm going to cheat.

1) My first random fact is my whole old list. It's here. OK it's not a fact, but whatever. :-)

2) I can't walk barefoot at all. My feet are so sensitive that I can feel even Simba's hair on the carpet. I HAVE to have socks or house slippers on all the time! Needless to say - I can never walk barefoot outdoors - the stones (or rocks as I call them) are too much for me.

3) I don't know how to put on make up. Never learnt, never put any on. My extent of getting made up is putting on lipstick and eye kohl. That's all I own and know how to use.

4) I have a very addictive personality. It doesn't take me time to get hooked onto a certain activity (or website - in more recently relevant terms). I can be obsessively addicted to the extent that the particular activity can become an inherent part of my daily (or even hourly) routine!

5) I am the eldest of 3 children. I have a younger brother and sister. Both live in India. We are all very close and friendly with each other, and always end up poking fun at each other and sharing big laughs when we're together.

6) I have an MBA, but I'm convinced I'm in the wrong field. I should have done something in Biology - genetics or something. Reading on Biology is my passion and I just love it!

7) I love dogs - specially the huge breeds. I'm not a fan of small breeds because I have an image in my head of stepping on a little breed dog and hurting it. Ya, I'm not very graceful :-)

Phew - that's my list!! April - you made me really really think hard for that one! I wonder if I know 7 bloggers that have not been tagged before! But I'll try - I'm tagging Sharon, Lisa, Shelby, Lorraine, Margelina, Nity, Misty.

Now - back to the future:

I am all set to begin my Lupron and Dexamethasone tomorrow. I'm excited to get started, but at the same time, can't help but feel a little nervous. So much has gone wrong before. Will it all be ok this time? So much is at stake. So much has been invested. May I please request some prayers / positive energy / good thoughts as DH and I begin this journey again?

I will not mind any Lupron induced headaches, any Dexamethasone induced nausea, any stims induced discomfort and bloating, any progesterone induced pregnancy mimicking symptoms - I will not complain at all. I will gladly take all the pain, please God, please, please make this work.

Can you tell I'm nervous?

See it for yourself

2008-12-12T15:19:00.001-08:00

Here is the before and after of my uterus. The picture on top was taken in September during my 1 day work up at CCRM. The picture on the bottom is from my post op appointment this Wednesday.

The pictures have been outlined to show the shape of the uterus. Somehow when I look at this, it only reminds me of an undergarment! :-)

Then, when you're done comparing (and I'm sorry for the grainy pictures - they look much clearer in reality), you can have a look at this - my goodie bag arrived yesterday. I am embarking on my 5th fresh IVF, and till date, I have never taken a picture of the medicines. This time I felt like I should, because hopefully I will never again have to see that box of medications!

By this time next month, almost all these medicines will have been injected / ingested / inserted into my body. By this time next month we will be getting ready for our PGD results and for embryo transfer.

Bring it on, I say!

Successful remodel

2008-12-11T11:16:00.000-08:00

Available for immediate accommodation!! New and improved!! Recently upgraded! Newly remodeled! The owner has recently hired a new “designer/ architect” to remove a 37 year old room divider and to “open out” the living space! No rent – accommodation free for one, maybe even 2 individuals. In fact, the owner is paying pots of money to get occupants – and wants occupants who stay!

I guess you can tell – my appointment yesterday went well. Very well indeed.

We first sat with the business office – the insurance mess had to be cleared up. The girl there said they would work with the new insurance and figure out the details. She also told me that I would probably need to follow up once I am an active member.

But – we ended up paying a huge sum of money so that our cycle would not get interrupted. They will bill the insurance and whatever gets covered will get reimbursed / adjusted and we should get some money back, but it’s a large large sum – almost $16K!

Dr Schoolcraft did my hysteroscopy, and he was actually all smiles. Now this is a big deal because Dr Sch is known to be straight faced, and serious types. But you could see the pride in his face when he got done with the hysteroscopy. He said everything looks great, and he also said “I must say I am very impressed with myself” ☺

He did mention that he had been a little worried that he would not be able to fix my uterus. Some women’s bodies scar, some don’t, some heal well, some don’t. So I told him I was terribly afraid too – because I’ve had several knee surgeries, and I know that my knee develops scar tissue. I was petrified that my uterus would do the same – why should it be different? But wonder of wonders – my uterus now looks like a normal uterus belonging to anyone else! It looks like the big girl uterus I wanted!!

Dr Schoolcraft sent me off to do a 3 d ultrasound just to compare images from last time, and get this – even I could tell the difference in the images myself! It was that clear!

I have had this silly grin plastered on my face since then, and DH has been spitting on me to ward off the evil eye (OK not spitting ON me, but pretending to). I don’t want to jinx anything, but – for once, I am feeling so excited and hopeful!

Divine intervention – for sure!

Thank you everyone for praying for us and for keeping us in your thoughts. I have no doubt in my mind that the positive energy from all of you did half the magic yesterday! Hugs to each one of you!!

(PS: I have pictures of before and after of my uterus – I will scan and put them up soon – you can see for yourself how huge the difference is!)

Updates

2008-12-09T11:23:00.001-08:00

We are headed out to Denver tomorrow for my post op appointment. I am scheduled for a diagnostic hysteroscopy so Dr. Schoolcraft can see if my uterine cavity looks any bigger now.

While we are there, DH needs to give a sample which they will freeze as a backup sample for our IVF cycle.

Also while we are there, we are meeting with the finance / insurance people in CCRM's business office. I am going to carry with me the benefits summary that my HR manager has sent me. If my HR manager can get any more information out to me today, I will take it all along as well. We just want to make sure that we talk everything out and know our options. We also need to know how much we will end up paying out of pocket if things don't fall in place with the insurance.

After we are done with everything at CCRM, we plan to go to the hotel that we're booked at to see the size of the rooms, and to see what they provide in the kitchen etc. That way we can be prepared better when we go there at the end of this month.

My goodie bag (IVF meds) will be shipped tomorrow, and I will receive it on Thursday. It's like a Christmas present for me - I'm that excited! :-)

It does finally seem like everything is getting set and put into place. My last IVF was in June 2008. I have been waiting 6 months to get started again. The last 6 months have been absolutely crazy! But the amazing part of the journey has been the knowledge we've gained. I know so much more now than I did even 6 months ago. And I definitely know SO much more than I did 6 years ago. Not just about the topic of infertility, but about life, about who we are as people, and about relationships.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow. Will you guys do the same please?

One set of footprints

2008-12-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

This whole past year, I have struggled with my faith. A lot. I have never been a very religious person, but I have always had a faith which was strong enough.

This year, that faith faltered. I could not come to terms with the fact that God was putting me through so much. He knows I'm suffering. He knows I'm doing my best. He still chooses to test me.

I prayed, I promised, I fasted, I cried. Then when things went wrong again, I sulked, I got angry. Finally I stopped knowing how to communicate with God, and my silence filled the house.

Today, I have a strong feeling of God being with me. Today I feel like He is telling me to leave it to Him. I feel like He will take care of it all.

I spoke with CCRM this morning. They said they would need written authorizations from the new insurance that my IVF will be covered. But they also said that the insurance company will not give them written authorizations until I am an active member. They wanted details of the benefits plans and any subscriber id or account number that I could get. They said if I followed up myself after 1/1 for the written approvals, we will probably get them quicker. If CCRM asks the insurance company, it could take weeks for the approvals to come. So of course, I will personally follow up with the insurance.

CCRM also said that they do participate in BCBS programs, so they will figure out which one in particular my coverage will come through.

My HR manager has sent me the summary of the benefits, and is working on getting the other information for me.

I am currently waiting to hear back from the nurse at CCRM to see if they will help me increase my prescription or if they suggest that I pre-fill my refills. We shall see how that goes.

For the first time in this entire struggle, I feel like God will carry us on His shoulders through all this. He has thrown a hurdle in our way to make us look up and realize that he is, in fact watching out for us.

I don't know how everything will pan out, but I feel like it will. Somehow. It will.

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I have been tagged, and I also have a blog award to talk about. I will do that soon. I promise! In the meantime, I am also getting set to go to Denver on Wednesday for my post op hysteroscopy. Lots happening here!

Looking for the door He opened when He closed this one on us.....

2008-12-06T17:54:00.000-08:00

I broke down yesterday. Threw my hands up in despair, cried, panicked and decided it was all over.

I wrote a pathetic email to my ex HR manager, telling her briefly what I had gone through in the months after quitting my job in Feb this year. I told her that I had a lot invested into this last IVF, and that I was at the end of my rope. I said that I understand that the company need not base its decisions on my needs, but I really need to know how to move forward now. I even said if I could not figure the insurance bit out fairly quickly within a few days, I was going to have to cancel my IVF because I can’t fight any more.

I couldn’t sleep till late into the night – I was so stressed with the mess that we were in.

I woke up this morning a little more calm. Some of my fighting spirit seemed to be back. Deep breath – ok, let’s figure this out. It’s a shock alright, but we’ve dealt with so much, we will deal with this too.

My HR manager (ex) called me this morning and was in tears. She said she did not realize how much I had gone through, and will personally do what it takes to help me through. She told me to proceed with the IVF – she will work with both the insurance companies and figure out and tell me the smoothest way to transition.

Tori – thanks for your suggestion about the continuity of care – you rock! I asked my HR lady. She said the new company had not offered it in their discussions so far, but she will talk to them personally on Monday morning and come back to me.

She said she wants me to talk to CCRM and see if they are under network for the new company. (CCRM’s website does not list their name, but their website lists Dr Schoolcraft’s name.) Once I find that out, I will tell her, and she will work with the new insurance company and make sure there is no lapse / problem in my treatment.

I am feeling a little more confident now. Like some of you suggested, I will talk to CCRM and see if we can order more medication now itself, or order refills asap.

For anything that is falling out of network, or cannot get pre-approved, we will probably pay ourselves and figure out getting re-imbursed later.

I am so fortunate to HAVE coverage in the first place. I should not let the inconvenience of administrative glitches throw me off track. I am re-grouping my thoughts, putting together my to-do list for Monday, putting all my questions in place to figure out how to work through this.

Possible blessing in disguise? Random thought here – what if with the new insurance, I get 4 more IVFs covered? When I joined my job, the insurance covered 4 fresh IVFs. I did one, and my company changed insurance carriers. My count automatically got re-set. I got 4 more. So far we had done 3 of those and the 4th one was coming up now.

DH and I are wondering if this is God’s way of saying “OK, you guys are fighters, and I know I’ve given you a tough road on this, so here are 4 more cycles.”

God, I hope I don’t need 4 more cycles, but it is a comforting thought that I may get the coverage. Wishful thinking perhaps, but hey, hoping is what has brought us so far, hasn’t it?

Now what do I do?

2008-12-06T00:58:00.000-08:00

Every step forward we take in the TTC journey takes us back 2 steps. It’s like walking on a landmine. Every step forward sets one off! So many people in the world skip and hop along life smoothly. Why not us? Why must we have to fight fate at every step?

I’m tired. Exhausted. Out of steam. I don’t know what else to do now. I’ve kept my chin up through the entire last year, through every disappointment, through every piece of bad news. DH and I have held each other’s hand and plowed forward through every problem that arose.

Most of you know the hoops and loops we’ve gone through in the last year. We are finally at the stage where we are getting set to start our last and final IVF. I did not expect to find out what I found out today. And I’m devastated.

CCRM had called in my prescription to my insurance company’s specialty pharmacy (if I get my fertility medication from anywhere else, they do not cover it). I was calling today to check on the status of my medication, to make sure everything had got approved and we were all set, and to see when they were shipping the meds out. While I was on hold, I logged into their site to make sure I had all the information ready for them when they answered.

I was completely caught unawares by what I saw on the site – “Coverage end date: 12/31/08” WTH?????? I am on COBRA – I pay a hell of a lot of money every month to keep my insurance going so that I have IF coverage. I am eligible to be on COBRA for at least 8 more months. I don’t understand why my coverage is lapsing.

I contacted my ex-employer’s HR department, and found out they are changing insurance service providers wef 1/1/2009, and of course nobody thought it important to inform an ex employee who is on COBRA, and quite frankly, at this point, whose life depends on that COBRA coverage!!

I don’t know what to do now. If I roll on to the new coverage, it will not be effective till Jan 1. And if I am not a member till Jan 1, CCRM can’t even get pre-approvals etc for my IVF. I am supposed to start stims at the end of Dec and ER happens early Jan, ET mid Jan.

Not just is the treatment coverage at stake now, but also the prescriptions – the refills! Per my prescription, and my discussion with CCRM, I am sure I will need to get additional doses of Gonal F, and till I am a member I will not even know how the new insurance company covers fertility drugs. Also my prescription has already been sent to my current insurance. Sending a new prescription after Jan 1 will mean waiting for the entire approval process etc etc etc.

At this point, I cannot afford to pay out of pocket for this IVF either. I'm completely at wit's end about what I can do now.......

How on earth am I going to do this IVF? I feel like the wind just got knocked out of me – entirely deflated! I’m tired, and I really cannot fight any longer. I’m tired of crying, and I’m tired of figuring out how to fight fate any more.

I wanted to go into this IVF with a calm state of mind. How am I supposed to be calm now?

My whole bloody life works on Murphy’s Law : If something can go wrong, it will.

Mr. Simba

2008-12-04T15:33:00.000-08:00

I thought I would share with you guys some pictures of our little puppy Simba. He's really not very little any more, but he thinks he is. He doesn't realize he weighs about 90 lbs, and can easily knock either one of us down on our butts.

Simba LOVES going to the beach. His sole purpose in life is to play fetch, and he knows he will get undivided "fetch" time at the beach. Every visit to the beach is complete excitement for him. He runs and plays till he is so exhausted that he can barely stand any more, but he's not one to give up and sit down. Oh the beach! Simba LOVES the beach!

At home, he thinks the whole world revolves around him. He has his own little cosmos going on in his head. You wear a jacket, he thinks it's time for him to go out. You pick up the car keys, he thinks he's getting to go on a drive. You look him in the eye when it IS time for him to go out, and he will be all over you in excitement.

We tried pretty hard to teach him the "no climbing on furniture" rule. So guess what - he doesn't climb on the family room stuff, which is what we use most of the time. But the formal area - aah, whole different story! Nobody told him THAT furniture was off limits too! Here he is:

The poor baby used to be very car sick as a puppy. His stomach would churn each time he was in the car for over 10 minutes. He'd be sick all over the car, and would be miserable for hours afterwards. Now he's figured that if he acts restless in the backseat, we roll down the windows for him (to distract him - and it works! He hasn't thrown up in the car this entire year). He sticks his head out and enjoys the breeze (never mind that our ears are popping with the noise on the freeway at the time!). He's also figured that he can keep going from one window to the other on the backseat, and we will keep rolling the window down on whichever side he is. So it's a constant oscillation - left, right, left, right!! Drives me insane, but he loves it :-)

He's our completely goofy, lovable, VERY VERY COMMUNICATIVE little baby. He listens to Dad (DH), but he knows Dad listens to Mama (me) (hehehehe). So when he thinks it's time for him to be taken out to play, he whines in front of Dad a couple of times, and then comes and puts a paw on my lap, as if to say "OK Mom, time to do your magic. Dad needs to get up and take me out NOW".

And needless to say - he has been a complete lifesaver for us as well. Nothing takes away stress as does a dog wagging his tail at you, looking at you with those imploring, guilt inducing eyes. Gotta love it!!

Going with your gut...

2008-12-02T16:02:00.000-08:00

Of late, a lot of my IFer friends – cyber, and IRL, are beginning to go with their gut on part of their treatments.

I have always been a very strong believer of believing in my gut. If I feel something is wrong, I believe the best thing is to find out if it is wrong. Specially with IF and other health related issues.

Nichole recently talked about taking the plunge and setting up an appointment with her doctor to see if she could possibly have the endo that she suspects she does.

Yesterday one of my friends IRL called and said she has decided she wants to request her RE for a laparoscopy because she is not convinced that “nothing is wrong”. She has been through several IUIs, 2 IVFs – all BFN. Her DH had varicocele surgery, and after that, her RE wanted them to do IUI for a few cycles before moving ahead with another IVF. My friend though has a feeling that the doctors are missing something. She plans to ask for a lap to see if her gut was right.

Another friend from one of the message boards did just that. She has had 4 losses, and with her pregnancies and losses, the doctors discovered that her tubes had got blocked. They recommended IVF to her. She did one IVF, got pregnant, and unfortunately lost that baby too. The RE said she could proceed with FET of her frozen embryos. Before that she decided to request a lap. Her RE did not think it would help, but she insisted. Guess what? They found stage 3 endometriosis, cysts, and endometrioma. They cleared all that up. They also managed to unblock both her tubes!!

Shelby recently is feeling let down by the NP at her clinic for handling her IUI cycle not as well as it could have been handled. She too says she will question and maybe cancel her next IUI if she feels her questions are not answered.

2 years ago, in Nov 2006, I remember re-grouping with my then RE. Our first IVF had failed in 2005, and to me, that was the end of the world. IVF was the mother of all treatments – how could it not work? And something about the “All your tests are fine, this is just pure bad luck that none of your treatment cycles are working out” reasoning that the doctors were giving us was not right. I “knew” there was something more, and beyond “Is there any other test we can do”, I did not know how to question the doctor’s judgment. During that regroup meeting, I did ask. I was furious from all my failures, and I wanted answers. DH was holding my hand under the table to calm me down, lest I get too aggressive with the RE. I finally asked the doctor “What if there is something in us on a more genetic level, and what if my eggs and his sperm are just making bad embryos?” He said “Well, there is one test, but nothing comes of it most of the time. Since you are insisting, let’s have you do this test.”

The test was a karyotype. A simple blood test – yes a little expensive, but in the grand scheme of things, considering how much we had spent by then, an additional $800 didn’t seem very large. DH’s result came back with a translocation. That RE all but dropped us like hot potatoes telling is to give up and go adopt.

I wonder today, if I had not asked that day, we may have not known what we know today. We would have continued with FET, maybe more IVFs with the same RE, not knowing how bad things could turn if I did get pregnant with a baby with an unbalanced translocation!

There are way too many patients (of IF and otherwise) who “feel” something is not right, but they don’t ask their doctors. All of us have the hesitation that stems from the feeling that the doctor is the medical professional, and he will know what is right and what is not. How can we, as patients, question a diagnosis or a treatment plan?

The thing is, we know our bodies so well. Specially us IFers. We are so in tune with every twinge in the body that we sometimes feel and know things that doctors cannot see. We have to step up and help our doctors diagnose and treat us well.

When in doubt, ask. When you feel you have been given too little medication, or too much, or when you feel you have a nagging feeling about something – ask. In the worst-case scenario, you will be wrong. That may not be that bad a scenario after all, right?

The author of “How Doctors Think” also says this in his book. He says we should help our medical professionals chart our treatment plans. Sometimes we may unwittingly hold back information, which, while seemingly unrelated, may change the entire treatment perspective!

So speak up my friends. Speak up if you think something is being overlooked, or if your gut tells you something isn't right.

Is it worth it...

2008-12-01T10:11:00.000-08:00

Is it worth trying to save or salvage a relationship with a fertile friend? A friendship lost in an effort to protect myself from feeling let down in front of my friend’s lack of emotion. A lost friendship that I miss dearly.

I’m torn. On the one hand, I feel incensed that she doesn’t get it. And I have tried to explain, not once or twice, but several times. On the other hand, I miss the friendship.

So what should I do? Pretend I’m fine, and be “friends” with her? Or accept the fact that things aren’t fine, and if she doesn’t get it and doesn’t feel any emotion for my situation, and me then I should be willing to move on?

Why must an infertile always end up making the effort to pretend things are great, just to “fit in” in the world of fertiles? Why can they not see things from our perspective?

Is it that hard for a friend to say: “I’m sorry” ? And I am not one to expect it again and again. But is it wrong for me to expect a “I’m sorry” one time over the course of a year and 3 pregnancy losses?

I’ve told her in these words “The last year has been the most difficult one for us so far. (DH) is busy with (work) and I’m busy trying to keep myself sane.” (This was part of an email exchange last week). And it’s not like she does not know of my struggles or losses. She does. But doesn’t say anything because she says “I don’t know what to say”. Her response to this last email was “Whatever it takes to keep one happy – that should be our goal.”

This is a friend who decided to “go for baby no. 2” when I told her I was finally pregnant last year. This is the friend who had that second baby 3 months ago and has not even sent us a birth announcement.

After this email exchange she sent me a link with pictures – full of her 2 kids. I had to scroll through 60 pictures to even get the name of the new baby.

What am I expected to do? Say “Ooooh what a cute baby – congratulations?” Maybe I should also keep quiet and if asked, say “I don’t know what to say.”

What would you do? Why am I letting this get under my skin and make me so mad? Why is it so hard to just close this chapter and move on?

PS: Have I totally lost it? I recently had a dream that I took a very fertile friend to the pharmacy and bought her birth control pills. I haven’t seen this friend in over 4 years. Go figure…. ☺

One year to the day

2008-11-28T10:26:00.000-08:00

My dearest baby Aditi,

My precious baby, my little miracle – you stayed with us only for a few weeks, but what a difference to made to our lives!!

Last year today we found out that you had left to go be with God. Your Dad and I did not want to believe or accept what the doctor was telling us. I often wondered in the days and weeks later, what I had done wrong, and if there was anything I could do to change the news we received on Nov 28, 2007.

I am sorry that my body was not more ready and comfortable for you, my child. I am sorry if I could have done something differently but didn’t. I would do anything – anything at all if I could change the outcome! I would readily give my life if I could save yours.

At the same time, I am honored that you did come into our lives. You made us Mommy and Daddy, even though we were never able to meet. We were about to give up, when you came into our lives. I can never describe to you the hope you brought for us. I can never describe to you the emotions that Daddy and Mommy felt.

Our arms are still empty, precious baby, but our hearts are full. The house is empty and silent, but if I close my eyes I can see you. Daddy tells me he too feels your presence and that you’ve been helping encourage him with his work project.

Seeing your presence in our lives has given us the courage and strength to go on and try again. We have met with some more challenges, but we know that you and your siblings are sending us the strength we need. I promise you my child - Mommy and Daddy will not let you down. We will not get weak and give up.

I love you forever,
Your Mom.

Nov 28, 2007

We went in for a regular u/s appointment. This was supposed to be our last appointment with the RE, and he was releasing me to a perinatologist after that.

No heartbeat.

D&C scheduled for Nov 30.

Texted my manager about what happened.

Couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t imagine.

Decided to leave everything and go away to Los Angeles for a day and come back for D&C.

After driving in silence for 2 hours on Highway 5, we started feeling like we had been thrown in the middle of an ocean – trying to swim to the shore, but the shore was nowhere in sight.

Running out of steam.

Feeling like the wheels were turning but we were getting nowhere.

Big rigs passing by on the freeway, and us feeling tiny and miserable and helpless and confused.

Then the realization that no matter how much we run, or drive, we will not be able to change what has happened. We turned around and drove back home.

I never imagined that I would last a day after hearing that news, yet here I am, one whole year later, 2 more losses later, still with the nerve to try again.