Hysteroscopy scheduled

Drug free – yay, I’m drug free!! So THIS is what “normal” feels like! I’d almost forgotten what it’s like to not have to take ANY drugs at all! (OK – but for my BP meds)

I have even stopped my pre-natals and folic acid for now. I took permission from the nurse of course, and I told her I really wanted to live a few days without having to take anything TTC related.

And I also have some updates on our next steps. On Wednesday, after calling the cycle off, DH and I spoke. We talked about how soon we want to move on with hysteroscopy and regrouping with the doctors etc. And we decided that we would do the hysteroscopy and regroup now, fresh off of the lining issue, and based on the findings of the hysteroscopy, we will decide when and how we want to proceed further.

So yesterday I emailed the nurse asking her if I needed to wait for AF to schedule the hysteroscopy. Considering my lining is so pathetically thin anyway, it didn’t make sense to me to wait to schedule it in the first half of my next cycle (Hysteroscopies are scheduled between CD5 and CD11 so that the uterine lining is not too thick). She checked with Dr Sch and confirmed back that I could schedule my hysteroscopy immediately if we want to. Also, if we were scheduling it, I need not get onto the progesterone suppositories to bring on AF.

Today we got everything scheduled. We are going to Denver on Tuesday. I have my hysteroscopy scheduled for the afternoon. After the procedure, Dr. Schoolcraft will spend some time with DH and me, going over the findings and his suggestions for next steps.

If he says it’s something that can be fixed easily, then they will try and squeeze everything in during that trip itself. i.e. If I have to have surgery, we will stay on in Denver for a couple of days and get the procedure done. We already have a hotel room booked (which we have been postponing week by week for the last month or so) {Remember my $34 a night hotel deal?? That’s the one I’m talking about!}

If he finds nothing wrong with the uterus, then we will discuss with him what our next steps should be. If we don’t have to stay for any further procedures, we fly back the same night.

In the meantime, I have started reaching out within my network to see if there are any jobs available. I’m feeling a little better mentally, and yes, now, when I look back, it was the right thing to do to call off the cycle. Thank you all of you for your support the other day. It's relieving to know everyone agreed that I wasn't being foolish calling the cycle off.

Called off........

We called it all off. Yup – that’s right. We’ve pulled the plug on this cycle, and have decided to step aside for a bit.

Why? I was doing my normal injections / patches / suppositories / acupuncture routine, and what happened suddenly? Well, we spoke with our nurse today at CCRM. We asked her a few questions and asked her to check with Dr Schoolcraft for his opinion.

a) What did Dr Schoolcraft think of my lining and the miserable progress it was making?
b) What could be the effects (on me) from being on Lupron for so long? (This is now my 7th week on Lupron)
c) What could be the effect of long term Lupron, long-term estrogen, and yet a thin lining on the outcome of the transfer itself.
d) On Monday – if my lining reaches say 7mm, would they still keep me on medication for as long as it takes to get the lining up to a minimum of 8mm?

Remember that last week Dr. Schoolcraft wasn’t there, and Dr. Surrrey had taken the call to keep me going? Well, this Monday, my nurse wasn’t there, and the back up nurse had called with instructions. So for the last 2 calls from CCRM, it wasn’t the same 2 people taking the call and making the call.

My nurse said she would discuss with Dr Sch one more time and call back. She would also tell Dr Sch that I think it may be my uterus developing scar tissue after the surgery, because I’ve never had a lining problem before.

So she spoke with Dr Sch and called back. Dr Sch said that if we think my uterus could have scar tissue, the only way to find out would be to do a hysteroscopy and check. And she asked him what effect the long term use of Lupron could have on the outcome of this transfer, and he said our option was to stop the cycle now, because obviously there was some sort of an issue. My E2 was already pretty high (almost 1300 last week) and my lining was way too thin for that level of E2.

When the nurse called back, I decided to quit. This cycle has been stressful enough already. I was sure I did not want to deal with rushing into transfer based on emotions, while knowing fully well that my lining really is not adequate, and even if we get the lining to a thicker place, my hormones are messed up. More so, mentally, my stress levels are way too high. Given this, if the FET failed, CCRM could just say that it was because I had had to prep my lining for so long, or that I had been on Lupron for so long etc.

I don’t want to waste my embryos – just getting genetically normal embryos is a huge uphill task for us. They are way too precious to be wasted on a cycle that is not turning out to be ideal. I don’t want to take any chances – and I don’t want to have to deal with any regrets later. And if I went ahead with this cycle, and it if it didn’t work, I would have regretted it for sure.

So I quit.

What now? Now I get on to the lovely progesterone suppositories to bring on AF. Once AF is here, we will probably plan to go to Denver for the hysteroscopy. We could wait for a cycle or two, but I think doing the hysteroscopy now will help us be able to plan ahead. If there is scar tissue, then we need to ask Dr Sch what he plans to do. If there isn’t then we can decide if we want to try for another cycle and just hope that my lining this cycle was just a fluke of a cycle.

I am feeling strangely liberated. Relaxed. I don’t know if I’m relaxed because I don’t have to do those meds anymore and the stress of this cycle is gone, or because FINALLY I got to control something!!!??? Perhaps a little of both. I was so tired of feeling completely out of control – pretty much the entire last 12 months. It was feeling like I was living on instructions from doctors, and there was NOTHING that I could decide and do on my own. It felt good to take a call on something.

Yes of course, in the last 4 hours since that call, I have asked DH 400 times if he thinks I made the right decision. I’ve doubted my decision many times, and right now is when I have to do my Lupron shot. I’m sitting here, not doing it. I hope it’s the right decision…..

And the roller coaster continues

I'm here. Hanging in there. I think I needed to vent, and get my feelings out on paper yesterday. Thank you all for the hugs and support. Although I'm sad to realize that so many of you get what I mean, because you've been there yourselves, yet, it is comforting to know that so many of you get it. 

DH took me out for dinner yesterday, we spent some time talking. I know he gets it, and I know he would do anything to make me happy, but I also know that nothing can fix this pain - not till we come to the end of our journey, either with a baby, biological or otherwise, or after having closed this chapter entirely.

Many of you suggested antidepressants and counseling. I will look into it if need be. For now, I want to try and focus on the positives in my life, and try and make myself come out of my funk. 

I went for my u/s this morning. I was so sure my stubborn stuck lining would still be at 4.9mm, and even my RE smiled a sorry smile when he walked into the room and saw me sitting there. But lo and behold - my stubborn lining is waking up! It measured 5.4 mm today, and is finally even showing the tri-phasic pattern. 

So I'm back to my routine of Estrace suppositories, Delestrogen injections, Vivelle patches, acupuncture and I go back in one week for blood work and u/s. Back to my next one week installment of this FET cycle! 

I'm happy that my lining moved, even if it means another week of hanging on to whatever little hope I can muster. 

My next u/s is next Monday, which is also my 38th birthday. It could be a happy birthday for me, or it could end up pushing me into a funk again. We'll see. I've been on Lupron since 1/27 - I'm ready to get off it now - one way or another! 

Full disclosure

Warning: This post may turn out to be too dark and depressing for many people. If you’re in a low place, don’t read this post.
If after reading this post, you feel the urge to comment saying “Stay positive”, please consider not leaving me a comment. I don’t want to be told to stay positive anymore. It just makes me feel like more of a failure – I try to stay positive and I fail at even doing that!

Several people read my blog. Some I have known since elementary and high school. Some I went to college or grad school with. Some I made friends with after college. Some I “met” online on message boards or in the blogosphere. Some I met in real life through the IF community. I am finding it easier to confess / admit my dark emotions to people in the blogging world, and to those that I met through the IF community than to my other friends who have known me from before my infertility.

For people that have known me from before I became this manic-depressive miserable failure of a person, it’s hard for me to admit my state of mind. Every time someone asks me “How are you?”, I answer “I’m ok.” I wonder how it would be if I really started venting saying “I’m not ok”.

Many of you have told me I’m a strong woman. I’m not feeling that strong anymore. I’m feeling like I’m in such a dark place right now, and I have no idea how to get out of there.

I find myself wanting to say no to every invitation, every hint of getting together with friends. On the rare occasion that I do agree to go and meet up with people, I find myself projecting my strong face. I have a strong face that I show to people, I laugh, joke, kid about things. And then I come home. My silent empty home. Back to my failures and deep dark abyss of not knowing what to do.

And then there’s the face of me that I see in the mirror everyday. I see a lonely, sad, lost, spent and tired person looking back at me. The face that wants to just give up, and by give up I don’t mean I want to give up on TTC. I want to give up on life. Everything seems like too much of an effort. I’m just tired of living. That’s it. Sometimes, I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just die.

I feel like such a failure. In every aspect. I feel like a failure as a woman. I feel like a failure as a daughter, wife, daughter in law. I feel like a failure in my career. I feel like a totally crumpled person. 

My zodiac sign is Pisces. Many many years ago, I remember reading somewhere about the symbolism of the zodiac signs. Pisces has 2 fishes – in opposing direction. And in the description it had said that Pisces are governed by two driving forces: One that fights and swims upstream, and one that just goes with the flow and ends up downstream. Sometimes a Piscean has to struggle very hard to keep swimming upstream, against the odds.

I’m reminded of that symbolism very often. I kept telling myself I’m doing my best to swim upstream. There is adversity in life, yes. And I’m trying to not get swept away by it. But of late, every force in my life seems to be very strongly pushing me downstream. I don’t have the energy, the strength or even the will left to fight and swim against the odds. I’m feeling very defeated right now.

People say I should stay positive. They don’t live my life. They don’t tell me how I should stay positive. Or even why I should stay positive. What has staying positive brought me? I have nothing to show for each time I have picked my broken spirit up from the floor and gone ahead strongly to my next step. I have nothing to show for each time I have been strong and have endured one failure after the other. I have nothing to show for anything.

Yet, what people see is a smiling face. I get so many comments on my pictures on FB that I look young or pretty or relaxed, or how I’m “smiling through life”. Why can’t my outside face look like what my inner person feels like? My inner person feels like sh** - why don’t people see that?

I’m scared. I’m so scared of everything in my life right now. I’m scared of where my career has gone. I’m scared that it will never recover. I’m scared that my FET won’t work. Hell, I’m even scared that it WILL work. I’m scared of being pregnant. I’m scared of what problems are going to crop up next for me to deal with. I don’t trust my body to carry a pregnancy through safely. It had 3 chances, and it failed to “deliver” on all three. I’m scared of what I’m doing to my body with all the hormones and medications I’m pumping into it. I’m scared of where I am physically, emotionally and financially.

I’m terrified of life and of living, and I don’t know what to do.

Stubborn lining, hopeful clinic!!!

My post title sounds like "Crouching tiger, hidden dragon" or something! 

Well - here we are. Lining is still at 4.9!!! I don't know what the f*** is going on now. We walked out of there today - not feeling angry or disappointed or upset or anything. Both DH and I are feeling tired and resigned. I don't have the stamina to keep plowing on anymore. 

I'm tired of making plan B all the time, and then having to follow plan B because plan A never works out! I'm tired of putting my life on hold and living on weekly installments from one appointment to another, from one shot to another, from one disappointment to another. In the process we are wiping out our savings, and creating another crisis in our lives. 

The nurse called from CCRM and said Dr Surrey reviewed my case today as Dr Schoolcraft wasn't in. Dr. Su wants to give it another week. He apparently had a "difficult" patient like me, and her lining grew eventually. I told the nurse I didn't want to wait a week before knowing the outcome, so we decided to do an u/s on Monday next week instead of Thursday. 

On Monday, if my lining is still hanging where it is, she is talking to Dr Schoolcraft and we're taking a final decision. Dr Sch will be in on Monday. 

I don't even know how to react now. The ONLY reason I have agreed to try this one last time is because I have all the drugs available at home, so there's no extra effort or expense or craziness involved. 

No I'm not upset or anything, even now. I'm just plain fed up. Sick and tired, fed up and ready to move on with my life. I'm turning 38 in a few days. I NEVER thought this is how my life would be 8 years ago when we started out TTC. 

Awards

Award # 1

Sue, Bunny and Margelina nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award and I think I must be the last person in the blog world to come around to writing the honest scraps. EVERYONE has done it recently! :-) 

So here goes:

The Rules: 

1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. 

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 honest things about myself:

1) Nikki is not my real name. My real name is a Sanskrit word which means "the moon". It's a short name, and thankfully doesn't get very twisted in America!

2) My DH spoils me. Rotten. I admit - I am completely spoilt. And I love it! :-)

3) DH and I love watching Food Network and HGTV. We can watch these channels for hours!

4) All of my education has been in Catholic institutions. I've never been in a public education system. Catholic School, Catholic college, and even my MBA in a missionary institute!

5) My undergrad is in Biology. I had a blast at college! By far the best days of my life. Everything was so simple and easy then - no stress, nothing to worry about. Simple pleasures and so much fun!

6) DH and I came to the US in 1999, and now, when I look back, I am SO grateful I live here! If I had to deal with IF, this is the best place to do it. I have access to the best doctors, RE, resources, and I have all the privacy in the world to do my treatments. Back home, the neighbors, the neighbor's aunt, the guy across the street and his grandma - EVERYONE would be interested in what's going on.

7) I started writing my blog last year, and today, I am so glad I did. The support I get from the blogosphere is enough to get me through my toughest challenges. Through my blog I met Shelby, and she introduced me to a group of fantastic ladies, all of who are dealing with IF. This group now meets up once every few weeks, and these meetings keep me sane. We talk, share each others' progress, laugh, eat, drink (sometimes!!) and have a great time. I speak for myself - I am so grateful for these ladies, and I'm eternally thankful to Shelby for having introduced me!

8) IF has ruined my body image, and my self esteem. I quit my job in Feb last year, and now that I am thinking of getting back into the job market, I'm terrified just thinking about interviews. I can only imagine myself breaking down into tears if asked "What have you done since Feb 2008"? I have no idea how to repair my broken self esteem.

9) I know that I am mentally at the end of my rope as far as TTC is concerned. Once we are done with these 4 blastocysts - whether or not they take us to success, I'm done. I can't do this any more. I'm tired.

10) I am very scared of growing old childless.

I am not going to list blogs that I want to nominate, because, like I said, I think everyone has recently done a post on their honest scraps! If you haven't, please consider yourself nominated!!

Award # 2

Lisa nominated me for the Sisterhood Award - thank you so much Lisa! You are all my sisters, and I don't know what I would do without you ladies! 

The rules for accepting the award are as follows:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nominate:

1) Shelby

2) Darya

3) MLG - Believe N Miracles

4) Davs

5) Sue

6) Caroline

7) Clio

8) Momsoon

9) Mylifechronicles

10) JJ

11) Chhandita

(I know I was supposed to nominate 10 people, but I went ahead and nominated more!)

The big guns acupuncture sessions

Everything! I'm willing to try everything! And suddenly, my sunny disposition is back too! For now at least. I'm feeling more positive this week, and I hope Thursday's u/s brings good news!

I went for acupuncture on Saturday. I didn't go back to the same acupuncturist I had used last year, because from what I had read on other blogs and message boards, it didn't seem like my acupuncturist was focusing on IF too much. For example, he never put any needles anywhere on my abdomen. He only put needles in my legs and hands. This time, since I need such focussed, urgent and immediate help, I decided to look for someone different. 

 So I picked another acupuncturist, and she is much closer to home for me, and her website talked about IF all over the place.

What a world of difference! I've had 2 sessions so far, and man, her approach is SO different. She put needles on my tummy, legs, head, forehead, and hands. She put 2 little needles in my right ear as well. Then she connected come electricity to some of the needles in my tummy, and switched on some infrared type lamps. The electricity sends little tremors into the body. She turned the lights out, switched on very soothing music, and as I was drifting in and out of sleep, she stood next to me with a lit moxa stick heating my tummy. I had never seen or heard of a moxa stick before, so for others like me who don't know what it is - it looks like a lit cigar. It has a peculiar smell - sort of incense like, only more herbal. 

When I was done, she took off all the needles but for the ones in my ear. She said I should keep them on if I could tolerate them. If they bothered me, I could remove them. They aren't the regular acupuncture needles, but really tiny ones. On the outside they look like tiny bandaids, with needles on the other side sticking into my ear. I still have those on! I thought they would bother me while sleeping, but I can't even feel them. When I wash my hair, I put cling wrap on my ear, tape it up and take a shower! :-)

I went back to her yesterday, and she did all the same stuff as she did on Saturday, and in addition, she did acupuncture on my back (errrr - my butt actually). I've never heard of butt acupuncture and I told her that. She said it's usually used to help people with kidney issues, but since the pelvic region is behind the butt, she wanted to make sure I got energy from both sides! 

Bunny had mentioned someone told her to have "bone soup" to make a thick lining. DH even made me some Paya (it's an Indian/Pakistani soup made from goat trotters). I usually hate it, but I asked him to make it and I ate it for 2 meals, just in case it actually helps! 

Like I said - I'm willing to do EVERYTHING. And with all of this, and estrace suppositories, and delestrogen injections, and vivelle patches, my lining had better be thickening up!!

I see the acupuncturist tomorrow, and I have my u/s on Thursday. Let's see what news Thursday brings. But I'm feeling a stronger positive vibe. I hope my gut is right. 

Lisa - thanks for the award. I will write about it tomorrow, along with the 300 honest scraps that I still have to write! I've been so bad with awards lately - I'm so sorry, but I will do it tomorrow for sure!