Any guesses?

I have another beta tomorrow morning (Friday). I wager it will be in the 100 - something range. Anyone else want to place any bets? Any guesses? 

Preparing my list of questions for the Doctor

I'm putting my thoughts together about what I need to ask the RE when I meet him on Tuesday. 

I had taken the appointment on June 30, when it was confirmed my pregnancy was not viable, and DH had asked me "Aug 5? So far away? Maybe you should have asked for an earlier date" and I had thought it would be better to wait a month or so, and get emotionally into a better place. HA! Did I know that one month later, I would STILL be waiting for my hormones to come back to normal, and I would still be miscarrying? 

Anyway - the one month is over, and my appointment date is coming close. 

On the testing front, I want to request all the immune tests, any reason that my body behave the way it does. I am going to spend the next couple of days reading up on the various tests. 

On the next steps front, DH and I have been talking. If the RE does additional testing and IF something comes up which is "treatable" or "fixable", we may proceed with our final IVF. If not, we will ask him if surrogacy makes sense. I don't think we can afford to use a surrogate in the US, so we will need to evaluate options overseas.

If these don't make sense, then I guess we take a break from everything for a few months, focus on our business, try and get some happiness and normalcy back into our lives. When we're ready, think about what next. Do we choose to accept and lead a childless life, or will we be ready to adopt and if so, start that process. 

Those are the thoughts so far. I am excited to see the RE and thrash some things out. I'm not sure I am emotionally ready yet for more failure (I am ready to do an IVF, but not ready to deal if things turn out like they have in the last 3 attempts. Once I have some emotional strength back, I will be in a better position to move on)

Even if we do decide to proceed with an IVF, it won't be for 3 months because of the Methotrexate traces that may still be in my body. So I'm in suspended state till then anyway....

Thoughts and musings and signs

Yesterday after I posted my poems out here, I was thinking to myself how I had no words for my third baby. I was thinking if I had to write, what would I write. The only line that came to my mind was:

"How many babies must I lose, before I get to have one living one"

That reminded me of Dylan's "Blowin in the wind" - The answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind. Hmm. I don't know how to read the wind, or get the clues from the wind. So I think maybe I'm not looking for the clues and they are all there. So I think I should watch out carefully, and decide to do that.

Here are the "clues" or signs thereafter:

First I get a call from my dearest cousin. She and I are closer than sisters. For the last few weeks I have been getting a feeling she is pregnant. She has been unusually silent through my drama in the last month, and that reinforces my belief that she is pregnant and doesn't know how to tell me. Sure enough she called, she cried, I asked her if she was pregnant, she cried, and she said "Yes". I cried. Not because I'm not happy for her. But because she is not able to enjoy her pregnancy because she is feeling my loss and asking herself "Why me" - she said people say "why me" when something goes wrong, but she has been asking herself that since she found out she was pregnant. I know she is hurting for me, and I don't know what to do. Clue # 1 - Life will not stop. Others cannot stop living because my life is messed up. I need to be able to deal with it. I will need to get strong because people will continue to get pregnant and deliver babies. Today it's my cousin. Tomorrow it will be my younger sister, and then my younger brother and his wife. I have to prepare my heart to deal with all this. How? I don't know....

Then I got in the car to go meet some extended family for lunch. I turn on the radio, and what do I hear? "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton. The line "Beyond the doors there's peace I'm sure, and I know there'll be no more tears in heaven" resonates with me. I cried again, and I really want to go to heaven and be with my babies. Really. Clue # 2 : This is it. I am here. My babies are in heaven. What do I do? I don't know....

We go to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. Afterwards my fortune cookie reads "Health and Happiness are in your destiny". I threw it away saying "Yeah right" 

Does anyone make any sense of what I'm saying? If you do, tell me, 'cause I have no idea what I'm rambling about :-)

Pink Rose Award

                            

Lisa nominated me for the Pink Rose Award today. Thank you so much Lisa!! I am honored and touched :-) You've been such great support and such a good friend. You are so simple, honest and transparent, and that makes you so special!

For those that are wondering what this whole deal is about, here are the rules:

• On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: "pink is my favorite color". There's a story of Pink Rose Award and other graphic to choose from.
• Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chose them.
• Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
• If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
• If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
• You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

And now it's my turn to announce my list of Pink Rose Award recipients. And the nominees are:

                                                                 

1) For her strength, courage and hope, I nominate Lauren. She and her DH have battled severe odds and their love and hope inspires me. Her blog makes me think how small my pain appears compared to hers.

2) My second nomination goes to Tori. She has tried again and again to get to complete one IVF cycle, but her body does not cooperate. She is figuring out other options, and is showing tremendous will power! 

3) My third nomination goes to Jewels. I don't know Jewels very well yet, but I have been reading her blog of late, and she makes me want to reach out to her. She needs healing and loving, and she inspires me with her honesty of emotions. Her writings touch me and make me cry for her. I am losing a baby at the same time as she is, and I feel like reaching out to her and helping her so much!

I do also want to mention my friends Kaila and Angela. Kaila for her strength and will power, and her constant support despite her own hard times. Angela because she needs hugs and prayers from all of us. They don't have blogs but they are Pink Roses! :-)

Thank you all for touching my life and for letting me be part of yours.  You are all terrific!

Poetic venting

When I lost my first pregnancy in November last year, I was in so much mental pain and agony that I never thought it would be possible to heal. I wrote this to my daughter then (Testing revealed it was a girl). Only DH and one cousin have seen this before, and today for some reason I feel brave enough to share it with you all. 

"Empty Arms" - written on Dec 16, 2007:

You came into our lives

We thanked God for you each day

God had different plans

And He took you away

You were our biggest ray of hope

That so far we had seen

You made us Mommy and Daddy

Though short your stay has been

Your eight weeks were short

So quickly you were gone

We are left remembering your loss

When we were imagining you being born

We are left with empty arms

That were longing to hold you close

We are left with shattered hearts

Wondering why it wasn't us God chose

We hold on to your memories

With tears in our eyes

We wish we could turn back time

We wish God would hear our cries

Be safe, dear Angel

You were loved by Mom and Dad

We miss you and are so so sorry

You would have been the biggest joy we would have had.

Then in April 2008, I had a chemical pregnancy. At first I didn't feel anything, but over the next few weeks, there was an intense realization that I needed to acknowledge the fact that I had just lost a second baby. Even though it was a very early loss, it was a loss. That's when I wrote this. This one has been seen only by DH so far:

"Unborn" - Written in April 2008

Whose eyes would you have had?

Would you be like Mom or like Dad?

Would your hair be light or would it be dark?

No matter how you would be, you'd still be our spark

Are you sister and brother

Taking care of each other?

Or were you two little girls

Your Mommy's two little pearls?

I wish we could touch your tiny feet

I wish we could hear your heart beat

I'd give anything to be able to kiss your fingers

You left unborn, but your memory still lingers

There is no healing, time dulls the pain

Time can't stop me from thinking of you again and again

I've cried tears in silence, I've cried myself to sleep

Nothing to hold on to, only some memories to keep

You're in a safer place, is what Dadda tells me

But I want nothing more than to have you here with me

To hold, to love, to cherish and nourish

To finally see our dreams fulfilled and see our family flourish

We'll meet in heaven some day

When we can all get together and play

Till then, watch over us and see us through this fight

For sometimes we falter and it's hard to see the light.

This time around - no poems for the baby. I feel so dead inside. I feel numbed and shocked. Maybe it will all come back some day. Till then, there's prose! 

A new calm

After the last few days of being extremely restless and ruffled, I feel calm today. I feel a little peaceful. I don't think I'm at the "acceptance" stage of the "Stages of Grief" yet, but I feel better than I have for a while. 

I have my next blood test on Friday, and I feel my HcG will be lower - I hope it is significantly lower. I need it to be low enough so I can start exercising. I cannot deal with being out of control of my body anymore. This has GOT to change. 

This week I have a lot of soul searching to do. I meet my RE next Tuesday. I have to think about what I want to ask him. I have to think about the tests I want to request. I have to think about whether I should do that last IVF. I know most of you suggested I should go ahead with it, but I need to see what I'll do. Even if I don't do that last IVF, I need answers.

The question of adoption - somehow that seems to be a topic that doesn't get discussed between DH and me too much. Its probably because we're still grieving and are not ready to make such big decisions yet. Or is it that we have not "accepted" our "inability to have a biological child"? 

I think what describes my mindset is this: I've always believed there is nothing you can't achieve if you really try. And honestly, I've never failed at anything in my life so far. Or if I have, it may not have been something of consequence, or at least not something that made me question my ability as a human being. This has shaken everything that I was. It's very very hard for me to deal with the fact that my body is failing me again and again at something which is so basic and easy for other people. It is very hard to be out of control, and not know what to do. I guess I'm your typical Type A personality. And now, infertility has thrown me into a spiral - completely out of control spinning looping spiral! 

I can't help but wonder why it is easy for so many others. What have they done differently that I haven't? Why do they deserve something I can't have? 

Requesting prayers for a friend

My friend Angela is currently 7 weeks pregnant, and on her appointment on Friday, they did not see a heartbeat. She has a repeat ultrasound on Tuesday, but needless to say, she is worried that this won't turn out right.

She has had 3 losses before, and will be devastated if this pregnancy does not work out either. 

I want to request everyone to pause for a moment and pray for Angela and her little bean. I hope things go well for her. I have been in her shoes, and I know how her heart is hurting currently.

Thank you all.