What would you do?

We're back from our trip to the San Diego area, and I must say, I am SO glad we went. We really needed to de-stress, and the last 3 days have been awesome. We went with another family, and I think that was a good idea too, because we were forced to get out and be normal and not talk about our IF and IVF all the time. In fact, we didn't even talk about it once! 

We're back, and both DH and I are feeling "re-charged" and sufficiently calm to get started with FET preparations.

I started Lupron on Tuesday, and yesterday, I had to do my shot while we were driving back to the bay area. We stopped at a gas station, DH prepared the syringe, our friend was checking the air in the tires and I pulled up my t-shirt and did my shot right there in the parking lot! I was laughing with DH later at night that it's almost comical how we've come to a point where we're practically immodest about and because of our IF. I don't even blink or hesitate if I'm talking about IF - I'm not embarrassed talking about sperm, eggs, uterus or anything IF/TTC related!  

I'm still on my BCP - I take my last pill this weekend. AF should come next week, and then I start the patches. So far so good. 

We head out to Denver on 2/24, for our FET on 2/25. The date 2/24 has a huge significance in my life. My last pregnancy (the ectopic) had a due date of 2/24. It's sad that SO much time has gone past since my last pregnancy. At the same time, it feels significant that my FET is scheduled 1 day after my due date. Almost like I needed to wait till the due date to be cleansed of all the negative and hurtful emotions that I felt over the last year. 

I need to think about this upcoming FET, to think about how many blasts we're going to transfer. Here's where I need your suggestions.

These are the blasts we have (in terms of grading):

4AA

4AA

4BB

3BA

I feel we should transfer 2 blasts this time. I also think we should transfer 1 of the 4AA grade blasts, and one of the remaining 2. We thought about transferring both the 4AA grade blasts, to maximize our chances for this cycle, but we both agree that it will be better for us mentally to know we have a good quality blast as backup, in case this cycle doesn't work, or something goes wrong during the pregnancy. 

If all goes well, and we do come home with a healthy baby in say Oct/Nov, then the 2 blasts can stay frozen till we are ready for a sibling. 

What do you think? What would you do? 

(I may be thinking ahead of myself here totally - I have no idea if CCRM lets the patient have any say in how many blasts are transferred or which ones are transferred, but I want to be prepared with our decision nevertheless.)

Vacation Time

After all the highs and lows and the drama of the last couple of weeks, both DH and I needed to get away for a bit. We decided to take a little vacation in San Diego. We booked our timeshare last week and thought that we'd either use it as a WTF break, if the PGD news was bad, or as a celebratory trip, if the news was good.

Here we are in San Diego on our celebratory vacation! We drove down yesterday with a couple of friends. This is just a quick post, lest you guys wonder where I disappeared to!

We will be back on Wednesday, and I will post an update on Thursday. I have some questions for you ladies, so watch out for my post.

Have a good week, everyone!

PGD results are in

We got 4. Yes, that's right. 4!

I'm happy, relieved, excited and so thankful to God. Thanks also to all of you for your prayers and good wishes. You may never know how much your support and comments have helped me. I was losing my mind, and each one of you helped me stay together. Thank you all!

This last week has been a very very anxious week for us. DH and I have had numerous conversations, preparing ourselves for a phone call that begins with "I'm sorry". I was worried for DH because he doesn't vent out his anxiety like I do. He keeps it all bottled up, and there's a lot of anxiety in him because he feels responsible, yet helpless. He said he has been seeing the stress I've been under since the ER, and he knows that his BT, and the fact that everything boils down to numbers at the end of it is what is causing that stress to me, and he feels responsible. I was worrying for him while he was worrying for me.

We talked about closing this chapter and moving on. We talked about being strong for each other, and at the very least, resting in the knowledge that we've done all we could. We've been brave and strong, and have taken the bull by the horns for as long as we could. We also came to the agreement that we couldn't do this any longer. If we got a bad PGD result today, we would close the chapter.

We almost didn't want to answer the phone when it rang! The genetic counselor and our nurse were both on the line together. You could tell they were so excited! They said they had screamed and hugged each other in the corridors of CCRM when they got our results, causing other nurses and people to stick their heads out of their offices to see what was going on!

We have 4 normal blasts, and the grades are:
4AA
4AA
4BB
3BA

This is the best result we've had so far! I know I'm going to have a relaxed weekend now. It feels like a horrible weight has been lifted off our shoulders, and we can breathe again! Phew!

We know it's not over yet - it's FAR from over. It's not over till we get to come home with a healthy baby in our arms (or possibly it's not over till that healthy baby grows up and goes to college!). It's not over yet, but it's a bug hurdle crossed. A big big hurdle, and we're glad to have made it so far.

(Oh, I have to tell you about my dreams last night. I had 2 dreams. In the first, we were told we have 4 normal blasts, and their grades are 4DMR {Don't ask me what that means!!}. In my second dream we had 2 normal blasts that we transferred. I told the nurse and the counselor about my dream, and they told me to try and dream about being pregnant. I'm going to focus on that now!!)

Patience!

Waiting sucks! IF sucks! Currently, my life sucks! They told me that FISH analysis results take 24-48 hours, and given the fact that we've frozen our blasts and the PGD lab is aware that they need not rush for results, they may take an extra day or so. So we should have heard back on Monday. No. OK - Tuesday? No. Now Wednesday has gone past as well! I mean, how on earth am I expected to stay calm and patient any more?

I emailed the geneticist this morning and requested her to follow up and see what was holding the results up. She said she would check and let me know. I emailed her again in the afternoon. No response. Finally I called CCRM - I HATE the fact that their front desk doesn't put you through to the embryology lab directly. They're like security guards for the lab. There's always this uncomfortable conversation that makes me feel like I'm bothering them and wasting their time!

Them:"Have you called your nurse?"
Me: "I emailed the genetic counselor, and she said she'd check. I haven't heard anything after that."
Them: "Well, it's been really busy today. Give the genetic counselor time till tomorrow to respond to you."
Me: "OK. It's just that I was told to expect the results on Monday or Tuesday, and now it's almost the end of Wednesday and I haven't heard."
Uncomfortable silence.
Me: "Hello?"
Them: "Sigh. OK, I can email the lab and ask them to call you."
Me: "Would you please? Thank you. Here is my name and number again".

I never did get that call from the lab. However, the genetic counselor emailed me back finally, only to say that the PGD lab will "report the results on Friday". WHAT????? I don't know if that means CCRM will hear by Friday. In which case, I don't know if they will tell me on Friday or if I have to pull my remaining hair out before I finally get my results!!!

This whole IVF cycle has been so extremely stressful it's not funny. So stressful! Now I have 2 more days to chew my nails and pull out my hair before we hear if we're having a transfer. I'm supposed to get and fill prescriptions for Vivelle patches, and I don't want to do that unless we are sure we have a transfer. We have tickets, hotel, rental car that will need to be booked, and I don't want to do any of that till we hear back. Yes, there's still time, but I wish we could hear quickly so I can move on with other things that need to get done!

I know I need to be patient till we at least find out our PGD results, but my mind is spiraling downwards into panic mode. I'm not doing well with the waiting. I wish they had set our expectations right from the beginning and told us when they would have the results back realistically. I've literally spent the last 3 days not letting my cell phone out of my hand because I don't want to miss their call! I've checked my phone multiple times to see if it's working! Is it charged, do I have reception, is my ringer on etc etc etc! I'm going hysterical here.

I find myself running out of hope entirely now. It's just getting harder and harder. I can't picture myself pregnant, I can't picture us with a little baby. On top of it, it has been confirmed that this was our last covered IVF. We can't afford to pay out of pocket for any more treatment. We could have, but we've been burning through our savings for the last year. I think I need to pull up my socks and go look for a job. That thought is sending extra shivers down my spine. My confidence is at an all time low, and I'm feeling so unfit to be hired by any kind of job whatsoever. I don't know what to do anymore. I've been looking at job listings online, and the listings and job descriptions scare me. I don't think I can do anything that any job requires!! :-(

How did I let it come to this? How did I let myself go so far down? How did I allow IF to take SO MUCH from me?

Pregnant sightings!

They’re everywhere. EVERYWHERE. In real life, in Hollywood, on the news, on social networking sites, EVERYWHERE!!! We closed myself in, and isolated ourselves from so many IRL friends because we couldn’t deal with their pregnancies or baby news or baby views. Many shut us out because they didn’t know what to say to us any more. Now – now I have one friend who calls and checks on me frequently. Other than her calls, my phone rings only when CCRM calls me. I get emails when I get comments from you guys. Other than that – almost nothing.

What did we do? We turned to television. In 30 minute spurts, the telly has become our escape from reality. How I met your mother, Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory, Law and Order have helped us keep our sanity, and in some cases, our humor alive.

This last season, we also started watching a new series called “The Worst Week”. It made us laugh. The poor guy got into trouble and his life sucked apparently more than ours – all the time! But there was a theme on the show – the girl was pregnant. It was ok in the beginning, but then they had to start showing her pregnant. We stopped watching the show then.

The other day I read somewhere that Cobie Smulders and Alyson Hannigan are pregnant in real life. They are both on How I met your Mother. Yesterday, Cobie’s character Robin visibly LOOKED bigger. I love the show, but I’m sure it will be another one that we’ll stop watching soon.

Two and a Half Men – I mean, cheap, crass, in your face type of stuff. Hilarious. Yesterday, Marin Hinkle’s character (Judith) waddles out 5 months pregnant, and half the show was about painting the nursery, and selecting the baby girl’s name. Blech!! Another show I’m going to stop watching?

How sad is it when you end up needing to escape FROM your escape? Pathetic. Really pathetic.

This season I think we’re going to stick to Kitchen Nightmares, Hell’s Kitchen and American Idol. Whatever they do on those shows, hopefully they won’t paint nurseries and choose baby names, and shove their fertility in our faces! Angry, filthy mouthed, British accented Chef Gordon Ramsey, and Simon, Randy, Paula and the new chick are probably NOT going to suddenly show up pregnant any time soon. (Or so we hope!)

Now for my PGD update – no news. I had asked the nurse yesterday when we spoke. She had checked with the lab, and they had told her they hadn’t heard back from the PGD lab yet. They said it could take a few more days. I am running out of patience but I don’t have another option. Nothing I can do but wait. The embryologist told me they expected to hear back by Friday last or Monday/ Tuesday. I’m going to keep quiet and calm till tomorrow. And then I’ll follow up. I do know that they didn’t have the results yesterday. I’ll give them today, and then start calling them.

Another day goes by

There's still no news on the PGD results. I was hoping everything would be super efficient and we'd have the results on Friday. And then on Friday evening I thought, OK - let's just get through the weekend, and we'll have the results on Monday. Now it's Monday evening. Still nothing. 

My miserable Aunt F decided that SHE should visit me before her time! Well, one less thing I'm waiting for! I don't mind Aunt F per se, but I don't particularly like her baggage. All the cramping, paining, bloating (on top of my IVF bloating), migraine. If only she'd visit, quietly, like a well behaved old aunt. Nooooo - she likes to be mean - she has to bring all these agonizing "cousins" with her!! 

So anyway, since AF was here, and while we're still in limbo about our PGD results, I decided I should at least get onto my BCP protocol or whatever it is that they need me to get started on, ASSUMING we will have a transfer some time next month. I spoke with the nurse at CCRM and got my calendar and schedule running. 

I looked at my old BCP packs, and I had 12 pills remaining across 2 old packs. The nurse had told me she would have me on BCP for 14 days. I asked her if we could tweak that to 12 days, so I could avoid buying a new BCP pack, and using only 2 pills out of it. She said she could, and the bare minimum we needed was 12 days on BCP, so it worked out perfectly. What made it even more perfect was the fact that with the 12 days on BCP schedule, my transfer date falls on 2/25. Dr. Schoolcraft is going out of town on 2/26, and he's booked out heavily till 2/24. So, 2/25 is the only day I could have been squeezed in anyway. So it's falling into place beautifully. 

That is, IF WE HAVE A NORMAL BLAST TO TRANSFER!!

If not, there is no Plan B. Really - there is no plan B for life. What am I going to do with myself if there is no transfer, and if all this fizzles out over the next couple of days? 

Anyhow, for now, I'm starting on BCP tomorrow. 

Update on my plant - it's still all dried up and brown. For those that asked, it's a bougainvillea, and any tips on a dried up bougainvillea in particular will be much appreciated!

Taking Charge of your Fertility

When we first started trying to conceive - way back in 2001, and when we realized the going wasn't all a bed of roses, I started lurking on a lot of message boards, trying to understand if we were timing things right, if there were things we were missing. 

I used to hang out on the "Just Starting Out" boards, well, not "hang out", but lurk mostly. I was too shy to talk about my failed attempts at trying to get pregnant. It was such a private matter. How could I discuss what happens in my bedroom with an internet full of strangers? 

Many people would talk about this book called Taking Charge of your Fertility - they swore by it, and it was like a TTC bible of some sorts. Written by Toni Weschler, it talks about managing your fertility - charting temperatures, tracking CM, cervical position etc. So for someone that can actually get pregnant on their own, this is a good book to have / read. 

I was a naive, innocent hopeful then. Little did I know that I was going to grow into someone who is infertile by even infertile standards. The joys of innocence! :-) I bought the book in 2001. The first page has my name and "2001" written on it. I read it, learnt a lot from it, but nothing happened. Over the years, the book got put away and forgotten in the bookshelves somewhere. 

Then a few years ago, one of our friends was talking about seeing a doctor. She and her husband were trying to get pregnant, and it wasn't working. I thought of this book and went looked for it, and lent it to her. She returned it a few months later saying she was pregnant. She had a son. 

A short while after that, another friend was in panic mode. And by that I mean complete panic mode "We have been trying for 7 months, I think we should talk to a doctor about doing IVF, nothing is working!!!!" She even took her husband to see a doctor about doing IVF. The doctor had a sense of humor, and made them sit through a presentation of the IVF process. That scared them into going home and trying on their own again. I lent her this book. She too has a son now. 

A third couple had been trying for a while. The girl had also seen a doctor, and had gone through an HSG. She was supposed to meet the doctor after her HSG to get started on treatment. I had lent my book to them a few months ago. They have returned it to me with a pregnancy announcement. I don't know if she's having a son yet. 

All these people probably would have got pregnant without having borrowed this book from me. But I choose to believe the book is lucky. I don't know it the contents did the trick, or just the book itself. 

I've been joking about this book and telling everyone that it has brought luck to everyone I have lent it to. One hundred percent - all 3 couples! Unfortunately the luck works only when I lend the book out. It doesn't seem to work with me!! My friend who returned the book this time said she was returning it in the hope that the book would work its magic on me as well.  

The book is lying here. I don't know if it's working it's magic. I don't know if it has any magic to work. Because honestly, all those couples would probably have got pregnant on their own anyway. But I hope it has magic. And I hope some of its magic is flying around us right now. 

God - anything to make this cycle work!!

I'm waiting for the PGD results. They haven't called, and now I don't think they will call today any more. It will be Monday / Tuesday before I know anything. I'm trying to hang in there. Some hours go past quicker than the others! 

A couple of random rants - the counter on my blog stopped working. I have no idea why. And I don't know why, but it's bothering me! Anyone know how to fix it? 

The plant we had planted on my baby's due date (the picture on my profile picture) is all brown and dry. We got back from CO and noticed it all dried up. We're trying to revive it, but I'm heart broken, and really scared it won't revive. It was fine and then suddenly it's gone. There were a few cold waves, I don't know if that's what did it. It's our "tribute to our lost babies" plant, and I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't sprout green again!! Any tips people? I'm not particularly green thumbed, but we have plenty of plants, and we do manage to keep them alive! 

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Update - Never mind. The counter is back. On its own. After showing up as a ? for over a week! I should have whined about it earlier! :-)