Family...

I have been existing like an ostrich, with my head hidden in the sand, hoping to get past these days without event. In effect, in the last few weeks, I have managed to focus my attention and my emotions on the future, and pin my entire energy on being positive and hopeful. I was making an effort not to dwell on things that have gone wrong in the past, and to a large extent I was successful.

Today changed it all. Friday the thirteenth, indeed.

I have a cousin who I am very close to. Closer in many ways than I am to my own sister. We’ve grown up together, and shared every single detail of our lives with each other. Close enough that when I had my miscarriage in Nov 2007, and I wanted to get away for a few days, DH and I flew to the UK and stayed with her and her family. I couldn’t think of any place other than her place where I could feel some comfort in my darkest moments. Close enough that when her daughter was born in July 2004, they asked me to choose the baby’s name, and gave the baby the name I suggested.

Needless to say, my infertility is not hidden from her, and even more needless to say, she is fertile.

June 2008 – I got pregnant after IVF#4. Of course I informed her, and she was ecstatic! Flash forward a few weeks, my pregnancy turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. I was shattered and totally broken. Of course I informed her, and surprisingly she didn’t call. She emailed me a couple of times, but it was unusual for her to not call me. She called a few weeks later, and cried on the phone. I asked her if she was crying because she was pregnant (I had a “feeling” about her). And she said yes.

She said her due date was exactly the same as what my due date was to be (2/24/09), and she didn’t know how to call me when I lost even that pregnancy. We both cried on the phone, and I told her that I understood that her life need not stop because mine was screwed up. I told her she need not feel any guilt at all. Of course I was happy for her, but after that phone call, I could never make myself call her again.

I may come across as uncaring, uninvolved and selfish, but the reality is – it’s self preservation. I’ve spent way too many years trying to be the bigger person, and to act in a way that is normal, and that is expected and accepted by the fertile society. I can’t do it any more. I owe it to myself – to my body, my heart and my emotions to keep myself from exposure to certain situations.

So I never called her. She didn’t call me either. I don’t know if it was because she didn’t know what to say, or because she felt guilty for being pregnant, or if she didn’t want to jinx anything for me if I was trying again.

In November, she pinged me online and asked me how I was doing. I told her all about CCRM and Dr Schoolcraft and that he had found my uterus to be T shaped and that I’d gone through surgery to fix it.

My cousin wouldn’t buy it!! She kept asking me how come no other doctor had seen my uterus shape to be a problem. She kept saying I shouldn’t do the surgery because it did not sound right (and yes, my cousin is a doctor, so she does understand what I’m talking about). I was a little agitated at that conversation. What did she think were my options? Question Dr Schoolcraft’s judgment, and refuse to have the surgery done, when I knew that Dr Schoolcraft is amongst the best in this field? How would my chances at ever having my own baby improve if I didn’t do the surgery? And it was beside the point that I had already had the surgery!!

December 30 – my cousin sent me an email saying “I am not contacting you because I don’t want to jinx it if you’re pregnant. I know you went to Denver, and perhaps you’re expecting but are waiting for enough time to go by for it to be safe for you to announce.”

Something about her assumption about me made me mad! I didn’t even want to make the effort to explain to her what was going on with me, that I was yet to go to Denver for my IVF. Perhaps I felt jealous too, that she seemingly had a smooth sailing, and I was forever in waiting mode, praying fervently and keeping my fingers crossed that my next chance should work!!

She called yesterday. I didn’t bother to answer the phone. This morning my mom told me that my cousin had had a baby boy a few days ago. The baby boy who was due on my baby’s due date. He came a couple of weeks early.

Yes, I spoke with my cousin. I congratulated her. I heard about her labor and how quickly my nephew was here. I heard about how he is sleeping through the day, but cries a lot when he's awake. I heard how he has a head full of hair. I heard how much the baby looks like his sister. I was brave through the conversation. I updated her on my life. I hung up the phone, went and sat in DH’s lap and broke down.

Why must it be so hard? Why why why? Why must we have to deal with SO MANY raw emotions? All at once? I find myself going and lurking on the pregnancy boards. Women who got pregnant when I got pregnant are putting up their newborns’ pictures. I managed pretty well to be forward thinking and not think about dates and what could have been. But it’s hard. It’s bloody hard!! 

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve really totally lost it……. This current me is SO far removed from who I used to be. I wonder if I’ll ever find me again….

So far so good

I started the estrogen patches last week. So far the schedule has been:

Feb 5: 1 patch

Feb 7: Change patch and replace with 1 patch

Feb 9: Change patch and replace with 1 patch

Feb 11: Change patch and replace with 1 patch. Check estradiol.

I went in for my E2 level today. They wanted the level to be above 50, and mine came back at 140. The nurse was super excited. I wanted to tell her to bite her tongue and not jinx anything for me. I don't want "the evil eye" on this cycle at all! 

I have to now move on to 2 patches on Friday, then 3 patches on Sunday, and 4 on Tuesday. I go in for an u/s on 2/19. On the 20th, I start my beloved (not!!) progesterone suppositories. Another blood test on 2/22 and we'll be all set for ET on 2/25!! 

I have to tell you of an incident that happened this morning at the Stan.ford lab. I was signing in for my blood work, and just as I stepped away from the counter, someone else walked up with a CCRM lab slip in her hand. So of course I asked her if she went to CCRM and we got talking. She did some cycles locally and then finally went to Dr Schoolcraft in CCRM. She did her ET on 1/23, and got her BFP last week. I felt so much hope from talking to her!! She also told me the name of the high risk pregnancy OB that she's seeing. That made me feel even more hopeful, and I'll explain why. 

With my first pregnancy that ended in a m/c, I was given a list of MFM high risk doctors to see, and I had made an appointment with one of them. My m/c happened before my appointment with her, and since then I somehow had this feeling in my mind that I would not go back to that list. Somehow, I can't picture myself going to that building in Stan.ford. And because I can't picture myself seeing those doctors, it had started making me believe that I will never have my own child. But of late, I've been thinking I'll probably find another doctor - someone outside of that list. Lo and behold, I meet this woman, and she gives me a name - and apparently this doctor has done some research work with Dr Schoolcraft as well!  

Coming back to the lab this morning. I got called in for my blood draw, and when I came out, she got called in. So I didn't take her full name or number or anything. I only know her name is Jennifer. I wish I had exchanged contact details with her! She was so helpful! In the few minutes we spoke, she gave me her experience of the acupuncture, the transfer, and so much more! 

Some bullet point updates:

• We have decided that we will do the acupuncture at CCRM. Many of you have recommended it, and we agree that given the fact that we've come so far and spent so much, a few hundred more won't matter in the long run! 
  
• I heard that the prescription prenatals I'm on (Prima.care One) is being recalled by the FDA (April - were you filling a Prima.care prescription that the pharmacy called you about? I know you mentioned they told you the prenatals were being recalled) I asked CCRM and they said they would give me a new prescription, but I could finish the bottle I'm on right now. So I'm trusting them with that. 
• Some of you asked about how I was planning to dispose of my sharps. One time about a year or so ago, I carried that whole container to a pharmacy to ask them if they would dispose it for me. They refused. I went to another place. They refused too. So I brought everything back home, and as of now, the intent is to keep them as my trophy. Something to remind me of this phase of my life - and just looking at the number of needles I have in that box makes me feel brave and strong! 

Acupuncture opinion

Not much to report here - I'm still doing my Lupron shots every evening, and changing my E2 patches every other day. I have my first E2 blood work on Wednesday. I hope the numbers look good. Removing those patches is ~ lets just say ~ NOT my favorite activity! Ouch! Those damn stickers hurt!! 

And I'm not very fond of the glue residue they leave behind. I've been clawing the glue out with my nails, and yes, I know that's probably not the best thing to do. I tried lotion etc, and nothing helps. DH suggested trying to rub the glue out with one of those hundreds of alcohol swabs we now have, courtesy of a fresh new box coming in with every prescription that includes injections and syringes! I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Although I had a wilder idea - has anyone heard of "Goo Gone"? I'm wondering if I should try that to remove the glue "goo". Probably not, I know! :-)

Coming to another thought on my mind - acupuncture.... I had done acupuncture before my last IVF cycle in May / June 2008. I did not go back to the acupuncturist after that pregnancy didn't work out. By the time we got started on this IVF cycle, so much more time had gone by, and I just never took up the acupuncture routine again. Reasons being multifold - financial reason being the biggest one. So here we are, in between ER and FET, with no acupuncture at all. 

CCRM offers pre and post transfer acupuncture at their clinic, and I haven't confirmed to them if I will take it or not. What do you think? We know acupuncture helps in de-stressing the mind, and also in channelizing the "chi" or energy flow in the body, but usually it needs about 10 - 12 sessions for the benefits of acupuncture to kick in. In isolation of any other sessions, will the pre and post transfer sessions help in any way? Part of the deciding factor is cost, but if the benefits of the 2 sessions are substantial, then a some more $$ on this cycle won't matter in the long run. 

Any of you who have done a cycle at CCRM - did you do the acupuncture? If you did - what made you decide for it, and did you find it worthwhile? If you didn't, what made you decide against doing it? 

Here we go again!

First it was fertility waterfalls (made famous by Nicole Kidman), now it is fertility statues?

Ripley's Believe It or Not! has this exhibit of some statues, and apparently over 2000 women claim to have become pregnant after touching these statues! The fact that the statues are placed in a place called the "Odditorium" speaks for itself, no? 

I'm wondering if I'm cuckoo enough yet to fax them a copy of my palm!! 

Myrtle Beach, anyone?

Here are some of the links:

Article 1

Article 2

Article 3

There are many more articles out there. If you just google "ripleys fertility statues" you'll be amazed at the number of results it throws up! 

I'm just stupefied at these stories! Don't know what to make of them! Now, if they said they could CURE infertility, then it would be a whole different story, eh? 

Patchy, foggy, cloudy

I started my E2 patches today. This time I have the "dot", so it's a much smaller sticker, and I hope it will be easier to deal with than the ones I had used for my FET that got canceled in 2007. The hardest part about those was removing the stickers. My skin was not happy at being ripped at again and again, and by the time I had to increase the number of patches that were being administered at the same time, I had run out of room on my tummy, and had to use areas that were used earlier. Also need room for the lupron shots! I was happy this morning to see a smaller sticker! (And I have more room on my tummy now than I did in 2007 - all the extra weight that I'm carrying around seems to be serving SOME purpose finally!)

My brain feels sort of fogged out. I can tell that I'm not being as lucid and clear in my head as I usually am. (That may explain my infrequent posting {by my usual blogging standards}).
I know Lu.pron does that to people - the loopy foggy lup.ron brain has been talked about by many a blogger! 

So in my foggy, cotton-wool state of mind, I did what my clear head was not letting me do. I sent out my resume to a couple of companies. I decided that I need to be prepared to move on, and obviously with the economy being the way it is, I may need more time to find a job. So I thought it would help to send out my resume and see what response I get. If these companies start jumping up and down in excitement asking me to join them (Yeah right! Who am I kidding?), then it's a decision we'll make depending on what happens over the next few weeks.

The more likely outcome is probably going to be a lukewarm one. There's hardly anyone hiring out there. So we'll see. I think I needed to send the feelers out, so I know. 

On another note - my sharps container is filling up. There's almost no room in it any more and I still have over 2 weeks of Lu.pron syringes to dispose. It's the large container, so just looking at it reminds me of how long and hard this journey has been. Last night as I was throwing away my syringe after my Lup.ron shot, I was joking with DH, saying "If our child EVER throws a tantrum, or EVER whines or complains about anything unnecessary, I'm going to show him/her this container, and say, I didn't flinch while sticking all those syringes into my body for you. You have basically signed away all your rights to whine in front of me!" 

My body on medication

My body on medication is the most dependable, on schedule, per calendar body that one could want!

My FET calendar showed that AF should show today. And she did. Amazing what medicine can make your body do huh? Considering AF was last visiting just over 2 weeks ago. 

So anyway - she's here, and I get to start my E2 patches on Thursday, change patches every second day and go in for E2 blood work on the 11th, 19th and for P4 blood work on the 22nd. I have to have a lining check on the 19th as well. 

We fly out to Denver on 2/24 and will head straight to CCRM. They need us to sign some consents (without which they will not thaw our blastocysts!). These consents need to be notarized as well. One option was for them to send us the consents here. We would then have to get them notarized and mailed back. The nurse said she could notarize the consents for us herself, but for that we'd have to meet her the day before the transfer. We decided that was the easier option. 

We got a great deal on our hotel stay for this trip. Crestwood Suites for $34 a night! This is a queen bed studio suite, with kitchen, wireless internet, and free breakfast! The hotel is located a little farther from CCRM than the one we stayed at the last time but since we go to CCRM once for the consents and then the next time for the FET, and after that have to spend the remainder of our stay there with me being on bed rest, it really doesn't matter! At almost a third of the price of the closer by places, it's a steal! 

We've never stayed at a Crestwood before (honestly I'd never even heard of it) so I hope it turns out as good as it looked on the website! 

It's happening - FET is coming up. I've told AF this is the last time I'm allowing her in my house for a long time to come. She is not welcome for say the next 10 months or so! 

I'm excited to get the ball rolling - can you tell? :-)

Incoherent rambling

Isn't it natural to be stressed? I mean, we aren't playing cards here. Isn't not a fun endeavor. It's not something we're trying for the heck of trying it. We've invested close to 8 years of our lives towards this goal. Isn't it natural to feel anxious? 

DH and I have been married for close to 12 years, and TTC for close to 8 of those. We have been TTCing for 75% of our married lives! Roadblock after roadblock, we've stumbled onwards, sometimes hopeful, sometimes not. And now, as we come to the end of our journey (whichever way it ends), we're torn, tired, vulnerable and yes, we're stressed. 

I've put my body through 5 IVF cycles - i.e., 5 retrievals, 108 eggs retrieved, 6 embryos/blastocysts transferred, 3 BFPs, 3 losses, 2 D&C procedures, uterine surgery, and innumerable shots and hormones. Is it fair to expect myself to stay "unstressed"? Is it even possible? 

Despite everything, right now, I'm feeling extremely blessed, and extremely fortunate to have the luxury of 4 normal blastocysts to choose from for this FET. I'm feeling very calm about that - about the procedure per se. Yes, my mind is swinging from very positive thoughts to extremely hopeless ones. And I cut myself some slack - I know it is natural to worry. It is natural to hope, yet worry. 

I worry that this cycle will not work. Then I find myself "knowing" that it will work. Once I reach there, I worry that things will go wrong again (just like they have, each time I've got a BFP in the past). 

Over the last few days, I've had numerous conversations with people who have told me that I need to think positive. Don't stress. Be calm. And each time, after these conversations, I find myself more agitated than I was before those conversations began. I feel like I'm projecting a stressed out, panic struck aura, and that is causing people to give me those "lectures". 

Wouldn't I be unreal if I were able to skip along my days without a care? Wouldn't I be weird if I did NOT stress? I'm a little tired of people "worrying" about my stress levels. That stresses me out more! 

Again, I've been feeling very relaxed mentally since our vacation, and since we got the PGD results. And unfortunately, it is now, when I'm feeling calm, when people are telling me to relax!!!! 

I'm sorry if my post is rambling - I'm feeling ruffled mentally, and I'm not being able to collect my thoughts very coherently right now.