Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Thoughts and musings and signs

Yesterday after I posted my poems out here, I was thinking to myself how I had no words for my third baby. I was thinking if I had to write, what would I write. The only line that came to my mind was:

"How many babies must I lose, before I get to have one living one"

That reminded me of Dylan's "Blowin in the wind" - The answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind. Hmm. I don't know how to read the wind, or get the clues from the wind. So I think maybe I'm not looking for the clues and they are all there. So I think I should watch out carefully, and decide to do that.

Here are the "clues" or signs thereafter:

First I get a call from my dearest cousin. She and I are closer than sisters. For the last few weeks I have been getting a feeling she is pregnant. She has been unusually silent through my drama in the last month, and that reinforces my belief that she is pregnant and doesn't know how to tell me. Sure enough she called, she cried, I asked her if she was pregnant, she cried, and she said "Yes". I cried. Not because I'm not happy for her. But because she is not able to enjoy her pregnancy because she is feeling my loss and asking herself "Why me" - she said people say "why me" when something goes wrong, but she has been asking herself that since she found out she was pregnant. I know she is hurting for me, and I don't know what to do. Clue # 1 - Life will not stop. Others cannot stop living because my life is messed up. I need to be able to deal with it. I will need to get strong because people will continue to get pregnant and deliver babies. Today it's my cousin. Tomorrow it will be my younger sister, and then my younger brother and his wife. I have to prepare my heart to deal with all this. How? I don't know....

Then I got in the car to go meet some extended family for lunch. I turn on the radio, and what do I hear? "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton. The line "Beyond the doors there's peace I'm sure, and I know there'll be no more tears in heaven" resonates with me. I cried again, and I really want to go to heaven and be with my babies. Really. Clue # 2 : This is it. I am here. My babies are in heaven. What do I do? I don't know....

We go to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. Afterwards my fortune cookie reads "Health and Happiness are in your destiny". I threw it away saying "Yeah right" 

Does anyone make any sense of what I'm saying? If you do, tell me, 'cause I have no idea what I'm rambling about :-)


heavenlytini said...

i know you feel like you gotta get through it and move on but take your time you've been through alot and why can't the world stop for you that's it right now i'm making the world STOP!!!and when you feel ready it can start again at the pace u want it to go!!!

and your cousin sounds like a great sister it just shows how much she loves you and wants the best for you!!!

Elana Kahn said...

You make total sense. Although I feel that I'm "past" my miscarriage (it happened Feb 1), I still get a sad feeling when I see someone who got pregnant after that time and is already showing, etc. My mom will call with news of other people's pregnancies and it hurts like a knife. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Here is something that helped me a LOT after my miscarriage: When a woman gets pregnant she is instilled with a special holiness that gets passed onto the child at birth...but what happens when a woman miscarries? what happens to that holiness? it gets stored inside the woman and is passed on to her first live-born child...and that child has a "double dose" of holiness. (In some cases more than that if multiple miscarriages have occurred). The other thing I learned about babies that are miscarried is that their souls may have been too holy to be born into this very, very unholy earth--and so they need to go right back to heaven (where they belong) before being born. I hope these thoughts help you!