Wednesday, August 5, 2009

My body killed my blastocysts

That’s right, folks. BFN. Big fucking negative. 2 great quality 4AA grade blastocysts killed mercilessly by my barren empty womb. I’m that woman that contributes to the BFN parts of clinics’ statistics, so that the stats average out.

What the hell am I talking about? It’s about time I came out and told you what I’ve been up to in the last couple of months.

I’m sure some of you may have wondered why my blog was so disjointed recently. When Nikki has 4 blasts on ice, why is she going all over the place, exploring adoption, and then seemingly not even exploring adoption any more, writing infrequently, and writing irrelevantly?

Very simple explanation. No, I wasn’t nuts. I knew we had those 4 blasts, and after we called off our FET in March, DH and I had decided to take a little break, and then prep my stubborn lining again. I just didn’t want to write about it on my blog, because I was feeling a lot of “performance anxiety”. I told some of you individually, but didn’t want to blog about it till it was done. It was, after all, our last hurrah.

With Aunt F in May, we decided it was time. We got all set up, and I got on BCPs. Started Lupron on June 3, and went for my first lining check on 7/1. FET was scheduled for 7/7. Of course my lining was too thin. FET got pushed out to 7/16. Lining check got repeated on 7/10. Still too thin. FET got pushed out to 7/24, and then I realized Dr. Schoolie would not be there for my FET on 7/24. I requested for a date when he would be there, because after all this, I wanted him to do the honors. Specially since he had done surgery on my uterus, and “knew” my uterus well. So we got rescheduled yet again to 7/27. Lining check was on 7/21, and my measly pathetic lining measured at 7 mm “from the most flattering angle” – according to the local RE here.

We flew out to Denver, and brought home 2 of the best quality blasts we could. They thawed 2 blasts, and both thawed beautifully. 100% cells survived, one was hatching, and the other almost hatching. Beautiful. According to the embryologist “you couldn’t even tell the blastocysts had ever been frozen”

Of course I needed additional help – hormonal help. My protocol had been very aggressive from the beginning, but by the end of it, I was on this:

2 Estrace suppositories daily

2 Delestrogen injections weekly

2 Estrogen patches every other day

3 Endometrin suppositories daily

1 PIO shot daily

1 Prenatal daily

2 Folgard tablets daily

1 Baby Aspirin daily

1 Blood Pressure medication daily

Fast forward to 8 days later – yesterday. I POASed. BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE!

9 DPFET – Today – Beta test – BIG FUCKING NEGATIVE! 

Why? What have I done to deserve this? Why can my fate not turn around, for once? How much more do we have to go through? I have quietly ploughed on for more than 8 years. My TTC resume now reads:

8 + years TTC #1

6 clomid cycles – BFN

5 IUIs – BFN

5 IVFs –  1st BFN, 2nd  missed miscarriage, 3rd chemical pregnancy, 4th ectopic pregnancy, 5th (Freeze all FET) BFN.

The last year has included 1 long drawn out IVF cycle – 6 trips to Denver, and $$ that we could not afford to spend, but did, in the hope that it will all be worth it. 

So after countless shots, suppositories, surgeries, treatment cyles, losses, heartache, pain – here I am, as empty wombed as I was when we embarked on this journey.

The prospect of growing old childless is looming large upon us. It's a scary thought. Some of you know how dark and scary that place is. And though I know I will never regret my TTC journey and all the treatment we went through, I know I will always regret not being able to have DH’s and my child. 

You will probably still wonder – what about the 2 remaining blastocysts? I am NOT trusting them to my killer uterus. I will keep them frozen, or if I find the strength in my heart to go through surrogacy, I will. But I am not putting another embryo into my body. I’m done. I’m so done.

Sometimes you can’t fight fate. Fate is sometimes stronger than we are – we believe that if we try hard enough, we can achieve anything in life. Maybe not.  


DAVs said...

Nikki. My heart just BREAKS for you reading this. It is not fair. It is not right. You have been through so much.
I understand the feeling of being done. Take time to grieve.
I wish I had something more useful to say. Know that there are so many of us out here that love and care about you and just want you to be happy. Sending you huge huge hugs.

Flying High said...

I feel so sad for you. But please, try to be gentler with yourself. It's not your fault, at all...

Shelby said...

Oh, Nikki, I am so, so sorry. I wished so much for you to finally see the end of this long road. There is clearly no rhyme or reason in this universe and for that, I am angry. Because if there were, you would have never known a single day of any of this. Also sending you huge hugs and keeping you in my thoughts. I'm wishing healing for you, M-sis.

Sarang said...

Nikki, I am heartbroken reading this in tears. I was thinking about you all day today with so much hope. I am so, so sorry. You are so wonderful and I just don't understand why, why, why it can't be easier.

Please know you are in my thoughts and am sending lots of love~~~

rocket.queen. said...

Dammit. I am so sorry.

Caroline said...

Nikki - I have been thinking of you, and I am so sorry to hear the news of your BFN. IT isn't fair, and you have gone through so much. It doesn't make sense that things are like they are.

'Murgdan' said...

Arrrrgh. I'm so sorry. So very sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am crying for you sweetie, you and your husband. It is not fair, it sucks and it is so wrong. I too wish for something better to say.

You are an amazing woman and the support and love you have given me through your trials has been so close to my heart.

I will be thinking of you.

JJ said...

Nikki, I'm so so sorry. I wish there was something I cd say that would make you feel better, but I know there isn't. You're very loved by alot of people. Hugs. Jxxxx

E said...

I am so very deeply sorry.


I Believe in Miracles said...

I have tears in my eyes. I am so sorry. There are no other words and even those don't seem sufficient. Praying for you.

Misty Dawn said...

((((HUGS)))) I was wondering why you haven't been around lately. My thoughts are with you during this painful journey and hope that you can find peace. IF is just not fair

rash said...

oh Nikki,it not fair at all,you have been through so much.

You are in my prayers and thoughts,but dont blame yourself or your body...huge hugs

Bluebird said...

Oh honey. I'm SO sorry for all you've been through. It's so incredibly cruel and unfair. My heart hurts for you.

Jill M. said...

Dear Nikki, your post is so incredbily heart wrenching to read. I had so much hope that this would be your time and I know how incredibly devastated you are. I wish there was something I could do to give you comfort. I've travelled about 3/4 of the road you've travelled and I'm maxed out, I can't imagine the last 1/4 mile. Huge hugs my friend!

Miss Tori said...

I'm so sorry that your body betrayed you yet again. I wish I had the words that would make the hurt go away, but I don't. I can only offer you hugs from afar and let you know I'm here for you.

Alex and Jill said...

Found you through I Believe in Miracles. Just wanted to say that I'm praying for you and your husband. I so remember the pain from the negative outcome each month/cycle. Praying God blesses you with a baby very soon.


Polly Gamwich said...

Oh Nikki ... (((((((HUGS))))))) I was so shocked to read your post ... that you had done a FET undercover ... but I was heartbroken to find out the result :-(

I am so sorry sweetheart.

But it is NOT your fault.

Huge HUGS,

Anonymous said...

oh nikki. i can't tell you how sad this makes me. i'm so sorry to hear it. i wish there was some way that i could make this better for you!


apieceofwood said...

I'm sorry to read this.. I have some understanding of how you feel.. I would return my body sometimes if I could or upgrade to a fully working model..

Phoebe said...

Nikki, I'm so sorry. I've been staring down the dreaded road too of growing old childless. It's a huge loss. I hope you can take time to grieve before looking for a surrogate. There are some great surrogate blogs out there. HUGE HUGS!

Meg. said...

My dear Nikki ~

I'm sitting here, kicking and screaming for you. Though I can try, I cannot fully imagine the pain that you must be feeling right now. You and DH are so deserving of parenthood. None of this makes sense. None of this is fair.

And I know this is probably the farthest thing from your mind right now, but I hold out such hope for your remaining 2 blasts. Like you said, if you can find the strength to pursue GS somewhere down the road, meeting your bio babies is still very much a possibility.

For now, grieve. Know that I will be grieving with you. *hugs*

Aunt Becky said...

My heart is shattered for you. I am so, so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Nikki.... I have no words to comfort you. Fate is sometimes stronger than us and sadly there is nothing we can do to change that. Oh I sooo wish this could have worked for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

The Patterson's said...

I know there isn't much to say except that I am so sorry! I'll be thinking of you!

Birdee said...

I am so sorry Nikki.

Nichole said...

Nikki - I am so sorry. I have no platitudes to offer, and no words of encouragement. All I can say is this is so rotten and I am so sorry.
Big Hugs my friend

Kris said...

I am so, so sorry. This isn't fair, IF sucks! I'm so sorry you have had to go through so much. Thinking of you.

Clio said...

dear dear Nikki
I'm just shocked by your sad news. I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. It is a tragedy, in the utmost sense of the word. A human paralyzed and crushed under the cruelty and power of fate.
I'm deeply sorry. Sending you thoughts of strenght and healing. May they reach you in the dark where you are now.

Lisa said...

Oh Nikki, I am sooooo sorry. I wanted to take something and smash it when I read this. I can only imagine how you are feeling. IT'S JUST PLAIN BULLSHIT!!!!! You have been through hell and back and I know there is NOTHING anyone can say that will take away your pain. Why you???? That is the million dollar unanswerable question and it just plain sucks. It shouldn't be like this. God knows you have done everything you can and should feel so proud of yourself for everything you've gone through. I was really hoping that this would work for you. Sounds like you had some great blasts. How frustrating that they didn't take. I think you're wise not to use the remaining two inside you, and I hope you will find a surrogate to try for you, because those 2 embryos are still your babies and waiting to be born and it doesn't matter HOW they get here, just that they do. I too, would give them the best chance of survival, in the best uterus possible. Do you know anyone who would be willing to carry them for you without the high price tag of surrogacy. I hope so, because it can be so expensive. But I just hope that you get to give those 2 a chance and that it works. I really think it will. I'm so sorry it didn't work this time and will pray and pray and pray that those other 2 find a way to survive and make it into your arms. I will not give up hope for you. You still have a chance -- I really truly beleive that. And in the meantime, I say get on an adoption list asap. It takes such a long time and you can always pull out, but you can't make up the waiting time.... so no matter what you decide, it's better to be safe and waiting, than not be on a list. I know many would say take the time to greive, but sadly TIME is the problem. Your life doesn't need to be on hold any longer. You can grieve while you wait, because the wait is so long. And perhaps, in the meantime, a surrogacy option will become available and you will get to try your last 2 embryos.

Be kind to yourself. Your dreams of carrying a child may be over, but your dreams of becoming a mommy don't have to be. You would make the most incredible loving parents, and one day I hope you will.


Wishing 4 One said...

Man Nikki...what can i say that hasn't been already said? How bad does it suck when our bodies don't except our near perfect embabies? The doctors tell us they are grade a, wonderful and yet we produce BFN's!!! Thinking of you and sending you mad hugs from Cairo. You are not alone my friend....xoxoxoxox

Rambler said...


I'm so deeply sorry this journey you've been on for 8+ years has been so riddled with stones and blockades. I wish I could offer you better comfort than words on your computer screen.

I am praying for you and will be lighting an incense stick for you. Hugs to you and DH.

Lorraine said...

I hate it that this has to be so unfair, that you have done everything that has been presented to you as an option and still you are left with such a sense of despair.

I wish there was anything to say that could really make a difference - it sucks and it doesn't make sense and it's not fair. You have come through so much, and whether by surrogacy or adoption I can't imagine that you won't have your happy ending someday. Your body may have disappointed you again, but your spirit is so strong, so capable, so nurturing - and more important in the long run.

Lots of good wishes to you, my dear.

Sue said...

Nikki, I got your hint a few weeks ago that you were going through another cycle...and I was so dying for that happy BFP post. I am so sorry. So unbelievably sorry. After all you've been through, this just isn't fair at all. My heart is breaking for you too. I really have nothing else to say. I hate IF.

B said...

I came to your site via Nitty's. I am so sorry to hear your news. My thoughts are with you....

MiraclesDHappen said...

im so sorry.
you've been nominated, details in my blog

momsoon said...

I am deeply sorry for your pain, for the idea that you had to go through this alone (I relate to that) and mostly for the
gut-wrenching nightmare of the powerlessness of infertility.
I understand. I am sending you all of my prayers today.

Margaret said...

I'm so so sorry. Be gentle with yourself.
Love and Hugs Margaret

Lauren said...

Nikki, you both just don't deserve this. It makes no sense and I wish I could take your hurt away. You know where to find me if you need to talk.


Pie said...

I'm so sorry. Just the post title is so heartbreaking, I'm just so sorry, and can only offer some virtual hugs.

Be kind to yourself. Or find time to learn to find this kindness again. It is not your fault.


Anonymous said...

Dear Nikki and DH,

We are understand. Please listen to this piece on you tube.May it bring you peace..

Love raj and shilpa

nancy said...

Nikki, I am so very sorry this is where your story is at right now. All my love is being sent to you.

Hope said...

Came across from Phoebe's blog, I am so sorry. The negatives only get harder as the years go by. Be kind to yourself.

Anonymous said...


Love you. Take care.I cant make any sense out of this. Why do bad things happen to good people? Or why does it seem like that for now?

I dont know. My prayers and thoughts are with you.


Meg. said...

Just stopping by to give you more hugs, sweet Nikki.

I hope you were able to relax and somewhat re-group this weekend.

Looking forward to your email!

Brooke said...

Nikki I am so sorry that this has become so hard for your two. There isnt a right thing to say. I hope you can find some peace over the next several weeks. At least you haven't cut out the possibility of parenthood all together. I will keep you in my thoughts.

C said...

My heart is broken for you. I'm so sorry. You have been through so much, it just isn't fair. I wish there were something I could do to take the pain away. ((HUGE HUGS))

banditgirl said...

Nikki, i am crying here in france, drinking my pain for you away. i am crying and crying and i love you so so so very very much. fuck this bullshit. i am so furious.