I know I’ve been a bad blogger, and I apologize. I haven’t been absent intentionally, and yet, I have no real excuses. I’ve come to my blog every day, and have clicked on “New Post” several times. My fingers have hovered over the keyboard, and no words have come out. I’m just feeling blank. No other word for it. Just blank.
Is my new job keeping me that busy? Not really. My new job is just that – a new job. I have realized I’m not going to get any intellectual stimulation in this new job. And I have realized I probably cannot make a career out of being in this company. So, unless things change, I’m treating it as just a new job. I will work diligently, but I’m not hoping for or envisioning a long-term plan with this job.
Where am I with IF? Nowhere. I find myself not thinking about IF or not planning my next steps. Maybe it’s just the feeling of “snapping free” from a long and terrible 12 months of treatments, losses and failures. My chemical pregnancy was around this time last year. I was so numbed out. At that point I thought the only way forward would be upward. But no. Little did I know what was in store for me for the rest of the year.
Now? Now I’m just numb. I think it’s because right here, right now, the state I’m in, I have “hope”. No, I don’t have hope that I will have a baby at the end of this, but I have hope because I have 4 frozen embryos. My body has not yet killed the 4 embryos that we have. I feel like if I proceed with the FET, and it doesn’t work (either by way of a BFN or by way of another pregnancy loss), I wouldn’t even have that one ray of hope that I’m so desperately hanging on to right now.
And this is very unlike me too – I’m usually the kinds who barrels right ahead with any treatment, or any “next steps” that we have. But this time, it feels different. It feels like it IS the final hurrah, the last crusade. If this doesn’t work, then we don’t think we have the stamina, capability or just the patience to try any more. I may be stuck where I’ve been for 8 years – trying to conceive a child, but time hasn’t stopped. I turned 38 last month, and I do realize I’m fighting a losing battle now.
Weeks had gone past and we hadn’t talked about IF and our FET. But last week DH and I spoke for a little bit. Very tentative plans – what should we do about FET? When should we attempt it? As of now, we feel like we will probably shoot for June or July. Of course a large part of the attempt will now depend on Aunt F, and considering that I’ve subjected my body to various drugs and hormones over the last year, I’m not sure when Aunt F is going to visit. I’m on CD 21 today. I plan to call CCRM with my next AF, so see what our schedules can be like.
So we’ll see. I don’t have the capability to hope for myself anymore. I don’t have the energy or the stamina to think of new options or to ask the doctors any more questions. I’m totally out of steam and I want this nightmare to be over.
I want to wake up to a normal life. Life was not supposed to be like this. Something went terribly wrong somewhere…..
Sanctus…Some Free Associations
1 day ago