Monday, December 28, 2009

The year in review

Dec 31, 2008: We arrived in Denver for IVF #5. CCRM was going to be the answer to our prayers! New Years Eve was spent taking my injection and getting settled into the hotel room which was going to be home for the next several days.

Jan 2009: The first half of the month was spent in CO. I went through my 5th ER – 31 eggs were retrieved! Yes, CCRM did seem to be the answer to our prayers! The rest of the month was spent in waiting for fert reports, growth reports, PGD reports (we did a freeze all cycle). We have 4 PGD normal embryos!

Feb 2009: I started prepping my lining for FET. My lining didn’t seem to be growing very well. Almost the entire month was a whirl of lupron, estrogen patches, delestrogen injections and ultrasounds.

March 2009: I was still on Lupron! It had been almost 7 weeks on Lupron and I was going insane. My lining was not growing, and nothing seemed to budge it. I tried acupuncture, “bone soup”, hot foods, delestrogen, estrogen patches, estrace suppositories and everything else I could think of. But no luck. I called off the cycle and decided to take a break.

April 2009: I was on a break, and we were in need of a salary coming into the house. I started looking for a job, found one and started working. My uncle (mom’s brother) in Nashua was very sick and I spent a week there with him and his family. It didn’t look good, and he didn’t look like he would make it much longer.

May 2009: When AF came, we decided to get back on to the FET bandwagon. I started Lupron and all of the same insanity again.

June 2009: My parents came from India – to be with my uncle and help him and his family out. Uncle was deteriorating. In the meantime, my lining was doing the same “no growth” pattern as before. I was now on heavy doses of delestrogen and patches and suppositories. My FET date kept getting pushed out because my lining wasn’t good enough. At the end of the month, my uncle passed away.

July 2009: Most of the month was still spent on Lupron and estrogen. By the time it came to FET at the end of the month, I had been on Lupron for about 8 weeks! Crazy? Yes, absolutely! My lining barely made it to the minimum required level, and we decided to proceed with transfer. We transferred two beautiful looking grade AA blastocysts.

August 2009: BFN. Not much to note for the rest of the month. How many people do you know who are childless even after 5 IVFs? Besides me, I can count maybe 2-3 others. Not a whole lot. It’s a sad, sparsely populated club to be in.

September 2009, October 2009, November 2009: Honestly, it’s all a blur. I can’t remember much of what happened in these three months. Somewhere along the line, we started talking seriously about domestic adoption. DH is the project leader for our adoption program. He did all the research and we finalized on the agency we want to go with. We also got a potential birth mom situation that made us so excited.

December 2009: Here we are, at the end of a year that I hoped would bring us the answers we needed. CCRM did not turn out to be the answer to our prayers. We are on the brink of 2010, and we are still looking for answers. We still have 2 frozen blastocysts but we are out of steam. I also am not sure my lining will cooperate any time soon. Most importantly, I am not ready to stick another needle into me – not for the foreseeable future. We have filled out our application forms for domestic adoption and have sent them in. We are waiting for our home study to get done. We are trying to be hopeful for 2010, but have been let down and disappointed too many times before to put much hope into our hearts. We are more realistic now, more cautious with the dreams in our minds. My motto is: Hope for the best, but expect the worst. Who knows, life may pan out somewhere in between.


lastchanceivf said...

Oh Nikki.

I hate that we're in the same club...five IVFs and still childless. CCRM and still childless. It sucks and there really isn't any other way to describe it.

I hate saying it because it sounds so trite, and because I've said it for so many years now, but 2010 has to be better, right?

Jill M. said...

What a painful, frustrating year for you!!! Sounds like my 2008. I hope and pray that 2010 is your year and that all your dreams come true. Always thinking of you. Big hugs!!!!

The Patterson's said...

Hope 2010 is a year of wonderful surprises for you!

apieceofwood said...

I'm about to hit that fifth cycle club myself.. I wish you both all the best for 2010 and hope you achieve your dream..

Kate said...

What a heartbreaking year. I hope 2010 finally brings you your long-awaited child, whether via FET if you ever gather the energy for that again, or via adoption. Surely you deserve a break by now!

Melissa G said...

While we may not be in the IVF club together, I think I can safely say that we belong in the "2009 sucked major ass" Clan.

Nikki, I hate that this year has been so brutal for you. It's just so unfair, and my heart hurts for you and DH.

Here's to hoping we'll have much to celebrate in 2010.

Hope to see you soon!

Sparrow said...

Nikki, I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I've never commented before as I just started blogging, but I wanted to let you know that I pray your luck turns and that 2010 will bring you all you desire. I am indeed in the club having just completed my 5th unsuccessful IVF. I hope we can join a new club of parents in 2010. All the best.

Sarang said...

Nikki, reading your Year in Review brought back a lot of memories of your most recent cycle. The ups. The downs. The roller coaster of infertility. You've handled all this with so much grace -- you're a true role model to me.

I have a hard time expressing just how excited I am for you on this next part of your journey...I feel parenthood within reach for you and your DH and it's so, so exciting!

I can't wait. I just cannot wait.

Sending you much love and joy in the new year! New year, new beginnings. XO

Angie said...

Glad this sucky year is over for you ~ just reading this post, I remember the hope I had for you following your cycles in the spring. Hoping the new year brings you much joy and happiness in wherever your journey goes. ((((HUGS))))

Phoebe said...

Your post made me sad, but I would probably post something similar about 2009. I'm glad your hubby is leading the way on the adoption front! I hear you about not wanting to do another shot, but honestly, the shots aren't anywhere near as painful as the emptiness.

I wish for you the best in 2010!

Shelby said...

I really wished that CCRM would have answered and solved so many of those questions you have and I'm sorry that it didn't. You should have seen a better year than what you were ultimately faced with.

Nevertheless in light of looking forward, I really, truly hope the best for you in the upcoming year. I'll be cheering you along as you look ahead and open other doors.

Rambler said...

I love your motto. It speaks volumes.

I'm waiting for this year to run itself out, I can't handle much more of it.

I'm sorry for all the hurtful hope and painful moments this year brought you and your DH. I pray this next year, this next DECADE is better.

Lavanya said...


I'm so sorry that this year had so much painful memories. I'm so sick of all this, just want to make this all go away, but I cant.

I hope and pray that 2010 brings good luck for all of us.

Anonymous said...

oh nikki,

i have the same exact motto. with such a motto you can get pleasantly surprised, but the disappointment does not seem as sour some how.

i've been following along, but not commenting as much, but please know i've been thinking lots about you and hope for nothing but the best for you in 2010!!!

thank you for sharing your life!

Lost in Space said...

What a crap year, my dear. I wish I had some insight into 2010 to say that I know it will be better because Lord knows how many years we have said, "This year has to be better" only to be punched in the gut once again. I still have blind faith and believe 2010 will bring better times. Many hugs.

Lauren said...

I'm still believing wonderful things for you both.

Happy new year!

banditgirl said...

Nikki, I am so sorry you had to go through all this. It's been really hard. But like Sarang, I started to feel a lot of excitement about you initiating the adoption process. Ever since you started talking about it, I have sensed a new kind of hope, energy, dimension. I wish and hope this coming year will fulfull your dreams and the suffering will stop forever. Love.

Linda said...

I have visited your posts from time to time, but I never commented. And there have been times when I would start an email to you but ended up discarding it instead. That doesn't mean that I haven't thought of you often. I just really don't know what to say. You've been through so much and had so many disappointments, there are no words I can say to make you feel better. But know this - you are not alone. There are way too many people still going through this hell. Even though I have crossed over technically, one foot is still on the same side of the fence. So I'm sort of like straddling the fence, if that makes any sense. Anyway, I truly hope that this year will bring you your dream come true. Take care and keep in touch! You still have my email address, right?

Elisabeth said...


My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at .


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