Monday, June 15, 2009

A year since Father's Day 2008

It's been a year since I saw double lines on a pee stick. Last year, June 15, the day before my beta - I POASed, and had fantastic dark double lines.

It also happened to be Father's Day, and for once, the day meant more than just calling and wishing our dads in India. We went out to lunch, smiling ear to ear, barely able to contain our little secret. Only, our little secret was growing in a place it shouldn't have been. We didn't know that. Over the next few weeks, life went upside down - yet again.......

I still have those pee sticks. I can't bear to throw them away. What if I never see double on a pee stick again? What if Father's Day and Mother's Day will always just remain days when we are children wishing our parents?

From then till now - we have not been able to complete our next and our last and final IVF cycle. It's been the longest cycle ever! I somehow feel more confident and comfortable thinking my blasts are lying frozen, than I would if I were in my 2ww!! Frozen blasts symbolize hope. Man, I sound so pathetic now, don't I?


Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,
I'm so sorry that this year has been a long and difficult one for you. Hugs to you my friend. x

Chhandita said...

you definitely dont sound pathetic...i have my pee sticks hidden away too...and i had the same thoughts when i hid them away...what if this did nt work out and thts tht?

Jill M. said...

No, you don't sound pathetic at all, I get it. My uterus has let me down every single time and like you, I'm scared to transfer anything into it and feel my embies are probably safer in the freezer. But... the freezer will never be able to give life to the embies, so by transferring them, we at least give them a chance. I also feel that if we don't transfer them, we will never be able to move on no matter the results of that transfer. Best of luck to you!

Miss Tori said...

Nikki, I wanted to let you know that I've been keeping you in my thoughts, although I've not commented much lately.

I know you have the four embryos on ice, and you are reluctant to transfer them to yourself. Are you contemplating a gestational carrier instead? I've not seen you mention a GC in any of your posts, so I was just wondering.

I wish you well in your quest to become parents.

Birdee said...

I don't think you sound pathetic at all. You make complete sense to me.
I got my double lines a year ago last Friday.
We just buried R- on Memorial Day. I looked at my double lines that were along with the other items in the memory box and still cried, even with my changed circumstances. I couldn’t let go until now. And still don’t think I could let go had things been different.

Misty Dawn said...

Its so hard to walk away and give up all hope. Each time I go to the grocery/walmart, I stumble past the OPK/HPTs I want to buy them in bulk hoping that I get to use them someday. Which there's nothing pathetic about having them hidden away hoping to use them one day.


Maybe we should invent our own day, Couples Day. LOL

Anonymous said...

No, I don't think you sound pathetic at all!!!!
I stopped peeing on sticks a long time ago when all our IVFs weren't working out! I used to get all worked up and then let down when only 1 line would show up!
How are things going with the adoption process? Are you still persuing it?
I think about you often,

Shelby said...

I'm so sorry that these time markers are difficult for you. I think most of us can attest to Mother's and Father's Day having a sting, but I understand that it symbolizes much more than just IF for you, but now loss.

Although it is much harder to hold out hope for yourself, please let us help shoulder it. Thinking of you and still hoping for your miracle. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

((HUGS)) you are not pathetic at all. This sucks, it all sucks.

Lauren said...

YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC!!!! You're just hurting. It stinks. :(
You will know when it's right to proceed again, and I will pray that it will bring you your miracle!


Sarang said...

Having hope out there in the form of frozen embryos is something I, too, can understand. You most certainly do not sound pathetic. You sound like you've had a long journey coupled with loss.

I am hoping your journey from here on out only gets easier and your path to parenthood shorter. I am so, so wishing this for you.

Lorraine said...

It's been a crazy year for you - I hope that by this time next year things are better than ever, that you have your heart's desire and that Father's Day is everything you want it to be.

Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

hi nikki, just catching up. i wish that i would have been able to see you when i traveled west. the week was crazy before hand and i meant to email. my friend was doing the escape from alcatraz tri and that was the main reason for going and i was traveling in a group of 6, which meant that i didn't have any free time to myself. :( we only spent 3 days in the city, then the rest in wine country. b and i want to go back, so hopefully we can catch up then!! :)

i'm sorry this year has been so sucky! it really just doesn't seem fair. xoxo

Polly Gamwich said...

I just wanted to send you a hug. ((hug))

Sarang said...

Just thinking of you! xoxo

Clio said...

it really has been a rough year for you. But you are not pathetic!!!
We have the right to certain eccentricities when we are on this roller coaster, own yours! :)
big hugs

the Babychaser: said...

Sometimes I feel like the hardest thing is knowing I'll never have that "our little secret" joy again. Oh sure, I might someday give birth to a real live baby. But I will never again be confident that a pregnancy is going to stick, at least not at first.

Embryos in the freezer is a good feeling, yes. Because who doesn't need a little hope in storage now and again?

I Believe in Miracles said...

It's understandable. They recognize hope as opposed to the reality of maybe or maybe not. Thinking of you a lot lately.