Monday, July 27, 2009

The value of a lady

I recently had a conversation with my manager about *maybe* going to Denver at some point in the future. I wanted him to know, so there was no misunderstanding if and when I did go.
The conversation went something like this: (The sequence of sentences may be mixed up a little, because I was too shocked to be able to remember everything, and you’ll see why I was shocked)

Me: I wanted to let you know that at some point DH and I will be going to Denver for our “treatment”.
Him: What treatment?
Me: Our fertility treatment – I had mentioned it to you before, right?
Him: What treatment?? OH the pregnancy one?
Me: Yes, the pregnancy one (controlled eye roll here)
Him: How old are you?
Me: I’m 38.
Him: You’re 38????
Me: Yes
(This “You’re 38??” and “Yes” was repeated some 5 times)
Him: How long have you been married?
Me: 12 years, and we’ve been trying since 2001.
Him: You’ve had some abortions right?
Him: It must be very hard.
Me: Yes it is.
Him: I used to be like Hitler in my house, never cared about anything until my wife had her operation.
Me: What operation? You mean she had a C-Section?
Him: Yes – they take the baby out, and they ask us to cut the cord. That moment changed me. That’s when I realized the value of a lady.
Me:……………………….. (Thinking to my self – Oh my word!!! Which means, there is no value in my existence at all!!)

I picked my jaw up off the table, muttered something unintelligible and left the room.

In retrospect I think there is so much I should have not said, or that I should have cut the conversation short right in the beginning when I got the drift that he wasn't evolved enough in the EQ department. But at that time, I was just so shocked that I ended up sitting there like a sputtering gold fish, enduring this!

Oh BOY!!! What would you do if anyone spoke like this to you?


Kris said...

Wow, just wow! I am too shocked to say anything else.

Bluebird said...

Oh holy freaking crap.

Honestly, I would have become so caught up on the repeated questions re my age, I wouldn't have thought to respond to anything else! Scheeze.

DAVs said...

That is horrific. What a complete idiotic asshole, pardon my French.

I'm sorry you had to endure that.

Lorraine said...

WHY would someone compare their own self to Hitler? That right there says everything.

Sue said...

Stunned. Totally stunned. I actually don't even know what to say. I'd want to ask if he was kidding...its beyond shocking. How old is he? I'm almost beyond confused by this dialogue. What an asshole.

Anonymous said...

seriously? i don't even know what to say to that!! just when you think that you've heard every ignorant comment someone comes up with a zinger like that!!


Anonymous said...

omg, you poor thing.

Pie said...

OMG! My jaw is still on my keyboard. I would have done the same thing, continued to engage him and then asked myself why I did afterward. That is truly one of the worst conversations about IF I've heard.

Sorry you had to go thru that.

Jill M. said...

Holy crap! What a total dip wad!!!! So us women have to have a c-section in order to be a lady? This guy is a piece of work and I would not let anything that comes out of his mouth have any significance. I think you should have put him on the spot and said something like "so are you saying I'm not a lady?".

I think our shock made us by pass the fact that you're going to Denver, are you really??? If so, I'm so excited for you!

banditgirl said...

I may have probably lost my job if I had done what I would have wanted to be done...Nikki, I am still shocked. Enraged. About to explode.

Dora said...

"You’ve had some abortions right?"

WTF!!!! What an ASSHOLE!!! Sorry you had to deal with that. I also really feel sorry for his wife. Ick! My skin is crawling.

Jenileigh said...

Hugs hun, I'm so sorry, its hard enough without having to tolerate the insensitivities of those around you. He sounds like an ... well, a not so nice person.

Petrucia said...

I'm not sure... it was of course a very weird conversation. I wasn't there, but from your transcripts I would perhaps give him the benefit of the doubt. He's certainly not evolved in the EQ department, but after you said you had gone through losses, he did say 'it must be hard'. That's when we confessed to you that he didn't use to sympathize, but after cutting his baby's cord and seeing his wife with her stomach open, he realized what women go through. It just came out in all the wrong words... but it does look to me like that's what he may have intended to say.

Anonymous said...

holy shit that is the funniest thing I have heard in a LONG time!!! what a complete ass.

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,

What a horrible conversation! Talk about negative EQ. I can't believe someone can actually think like that.

Shelby said...

Oh. My. God.


I first and foremost am proud of your self restraint. I might have forgone the need for a paycheck and landed myself in the county jail on assault charges. I just can't believe you had to sit there and listen to this garbage from this moron. This is the exact reason why so many of us are still in the closet. You should not have had to endure such ignorance and I am quite literally livid for you. And I thoroughly feel sorry for his wife. She married a misogynistic asshat.

I hope you can avoid any future conversations about this with him. Like you needed this crap. :(

Lisa said...

Nik, the ignorance summarized in that conversation is astounding. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but the complete lack of sensitivity still blows my mind.

My god. And it sounds like he's even "evolved" a bit. (Or thinks he has.)

I hope for your sake, future talks can be short and you feel comfortable telling him, no, I mean telling him you'd rather just discuss things that directly affect work like time off.

Now that my boss knows I'm in treatment, I just email days I'll be out and avoid any talk. But I don't know if that would work for you.

I'm glad you took the high road and rose above it! Good for you!

Rambler said...

Wow, that is pretty low. Even if he was trying to be empathatic and it just didn't come out right. I'd seriously be tempted to mention it to your human resources department. For someone to go on about your age and TTC and then ask if you've had abortions?!?!?!?! Its hard enough to open yourself up to people at work for what you are going through, but to have such a screwed up mentality about it? Amazing.

Sorry about that akward conversation. But you handled it pretty well. I would have been laughing in his face and saying "you're kidding right"?

Kara's Mom said...

Holy Sh*t. And that guys is your boss. Life is unfair, isn't it? Holy Sh*t. I'm so sorry that you A) had to endure that and B) have to work for a stupid person.

Angie said...

Oh my!! What an ass! I would have been speechless too....Next time, maybe lie to him about why you need time off...what an uncomfortable situation now! (Like it wasn't already! :-( I'm sorry!

I Believe in Miracles said...

Goodness me...

lafiya said...

Something tells me this boss is/was a South Asian (from the Indian sub-continent?).. I'm not being racist, I'm from there myself, but that's the way many people are here! I'm so sorry you had to put up with such an ignorant person. Hope you're doing well now...