Wednesday, September 30, 2009


The fifth stage of grief. I think I’m there. I truly believe that I am finally at the stage of acceptance. I’m not fighting fate anymore and I’m not feeling angry or upset at my situation. I have a strange calm and sense of peace. I’m beginning to accept that this IS my life, and I can’t change it, no matter what. It is what it is. It has taken me many many years of heartache, many lost relationships, too much negativity and bitterness to reach here. I don’t know what comes after acceptance, but I guess we will find that out.

I have been quiet for a few weeks in the blog world. Things have been going on in the real world, and some of those things have helped bring me to that calm place I’m in currently.

1) DH saw my last blog post, and realized how badly I was doing, and how much I needed him to step up and be there for me. And step up he did. He surprised me one day with a folder full of notes and comments from the calls he had been making to adoption agencies. It was so heartwarming to see that he was taking charge and doing the research. He brought me up to speed on his research, and we attended a couple of orientations too.

I have definitely had my doubts about adoption, and I’m sometimes not sure if I’m ready to move ahead with it, but I’m definitely in a much better place mentally about the process than I was even a few weeks ago. And in getting all the information through the research that DH has been doing, I am finding myself opening up to the idea even more.

I will write a complete post about my feelings, my doubts and how I’m trying to process them.

2) DH and I had some very deep discussions – amidst lots of tears and bared feelings about our opinions on adoption, and where our doubts were stemming from (this too requires a separate post), and we had some pretty intense revelations about each other and about us as a team. Just by talking to each other.

3) Jill wrote a couple of posts about the hypnotherapy sessions she went through, and her experience really intrigued me. Many of you have suggested that I see a therapist, or get onto medication. Somehow that didn’t seem to be the option of choice to me. When I read about hypnotherapy, it made sense. So I decided to take a session for myself. It’s been about a week now since my session, and I have to admit, I really think it is working. The objective we had set for my session was to “clean my slate”. I told the hypnotherapist that I had a lot of negativity and bitterness set in my mind and sub conscience, and I was beginning to have a very negative energy around any step I took. For example, for my last FET, for the most part, my attitude was “It’s not going to work anyway, let’s just get it over with”. I had stopped envisioning babies in our house. I had stopped even wanting to parent. And I knew I needed help. The hypnotherapist is located in CO, so our session was on the phone, and she then sent me an audio file that I have been listening to. It has been only a week, but I know it’s helping, because I have been feeling so calm since then. (This TOO requires a separate post!)

In my last post I was talking about options, and trying to decide which path to walk down. I think we sort of know now. We will sign up with an adoption agency (we’re not fully there yet, but are working towards it). Depending on how things go – we will figure out next year if we want to proceed with surrogacy or do one attempt at a fresh IVF here locally, or if we want to try one last FET with our remaining blastocysts. We will leave that decision to next year. I’m trying to give up on my need to have the next 10 years planned out inside my head. I’m trying to be in the moment and take it from there.

So far, so good. I hope I am able to continue feeling peaceful, because this sure feels nice. I was getting sick of being who I was becoming. This is a very concentrated effort to regain my life and enjoy living.


banditgirl said...

Wow, I could sense your calm and peaceful and accepting energy, Nikki! It's amazing to witness this process, and I thank you for allowing us/me to do that. This shows that things do shift, change, that they are in constant motion and that human beings are incredible creatures, and you, my dear, are especially incredible!

I am dying to read all the other posts to-be-written too! What is hypnotherapy and how does it work?

Sounds like this process, though initially difficult and painful, has brought you and DH closer, again. I felt very touched by his surprise for you with all his notes from his research on adoption and adoptin agencies.

Nikki, I wish you all the strength and peace in your continuing journey to healing and happiness, however we define them.

Sarang said...

Nikki, I love your DH! He is really a spectacular partner and the thought of him doing the adoption research makes me so happy for you both. In our adoption class last night, they said it is usually one partner guiding the other. I think your DH taking this initial lead was such a big first step and I love that you are the kind of couple who are so supportive of each other -- that when/if another of you needs to take the lead another time, you will do what you need to.

Like Bandit Girl, I can feel the sense of calm surrounding this post. (May I please borrow some of that sense of peace? I hope in seeing you, it will rub off on me.)

Please send me the info on your hypnotherapist. I'd like to try her, too.

I know you have options that will sort themselves out when the time is right.

I am so glad you are bringing back the joy in your life--you are a powerful example to follow.

All my love to you.

Melissa G said...

I think it's fantastic that DH took the initiative to jump in head first with the adoption information. Sounds like a heck of a guy.

And I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling even better since I saw you last. I know how difficult it is to acknowledge when you need help. It's so hard to see straight when your vision is clouded with pain. What an ugly battle we're waging. It's encouraging to know you've found some peace. I wish you increasing strength and look forward to seeing you soon.


Carli said...

I wandered over to your blog from another blog's blogroll. I wanted to let you know that it must have been fate for me to come here.

My DH and I are in the process of our last hoorah - an FET of our 1 and only frozen embryo. I have been struggling quite a bit with the finality of it all. And if this doesn't work, then what will we do next???

I read over your last few entries and I just wanted to say that you are incredible. Your newfound calm is inspiring to me.

And Kudos to your DH for starting the research and leading the way for adoption. It so often seems that, as women, the quest for children falls on our shoulders.

Best of luck to you in your quest for calm and acceptance and for your journey forward with adoption.

Hear My Cry said...

Hugs and prayers

Caroline said...

Nikki - You have been through so much to get to this point. I know that you and your DH will be beautiful parents whether that is through adoption, further IVF or surrogacy. Your approach of accepting the current situation and taking each day as it comes is wonderful. You are a special person, and you have an amazing relationship with your DH.
Hugs to you.
PS I changed my blog to
Don't feel obliged to read it,I just wanted to update you. x

Misty Dawn said...

(((Hugs))) It brought tears to my eyes when I read how DH saw your blog post and took charge on adoption. I've never heard of this hypnotherapy, so I look fwd to your other posts on this subject.

Rash said...

Nikki,Wishing You Best of Luck in whatever you and dh decide to do ,I wish you calmness ,peace and all the strength and positive thoughts vibes in your journey,my prayers and thoughts with with

Jill M. said...

Hi Friend! It's so good to sense peace from you, that's what I've been hoping for you.

What a great dh to do all of that adoption research! That's awesome! While this is not the path you would have chosen, focus on that there are other options out there, this is not the end of the road for you. Allow yourself the time to adjust to these new avenues. I believe you will come around and you will make it through this, you are so strong!

I can't wait to hear your take on the hypnotherapy! Isn't she great! I'm dying to do more sessions but am restricted by finances.


Shelby said...

I am awed by the amount of strength and endurance it has taken for you to get here and keep moving forward, the sum of which I'll never know. And I am so grateful that you have your DH (and he has you). What a beautiful support system and with each other and your combined strength and love, I am certain that you will find your way.

Like you, I am always trying to plan that path years in advance and I think that has led to so much of my heartache. Letting go can be just what you may have been looking for. Being a planner, I know it's easier said than done, but I hope that release does find you. I am happy to hear that you are in a better place.

Anonymous said...

You are so amazing. The hypnotherapy sounds wonderful.

I am so glad to hear you have such an amazing DH to work through all of this with you and that you can share honestly with him.


Kate said...

This all sounds wonderful. You're malomg me want to tr hypnotherapy too!
So glad your DH has stepped up and started the research.

DAVs said...

I'm so happy you are feeling a little bit better. This whole process is just so emotionally draining, sometimes I'm amazed we all still function in the world at all. You know you have my full support and I just wish I could offer something more...
Big hugs and peaceful wishes.

Phoebe said...

Acceptance is a hard thing to come by when you are grieving the loss of your fertility. Your post gives me hope that I too will come to a place of acceptance so that I can move on to other options. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

I too could feel the calm washing over me that was coming from your post. I'm truly releaved that you feel this way and are coming out of the "funk" you were stuck in. Which by the way is completely understandable given the circumstances.
I wish you all the best in your adoption journey and know this: your son or daughter is out there waiting for you even if he or she hasn't been born yet. He or she may not grow in your belly but has for sure been growing in your heart and once that child joins your family, you will never look back. That child will fill your heart with joy and you will have no regrets.
Take good care of DH, and yourself! You have been through so much but there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Lorraine said...

So good to see that you're doing better - and I think that it makes all the sense in the world to feel like you can accept the circumstances but not have to just live with the consequences.

Also - really fantastic that you found something helpful that works for you! Can't wait to hear more about it...

Lost in Space said...

This is such a moving post. There are days I think I am there on the acceptance and then there are other days that I jump back to anger all over again. It's such a process and I'm happy you are really feeling better about where you are at right now. It is not an easy thing to do by any means.

I adore your husband right now. What an angel.