Monday, November 16, 2009

Somewhere in the universe…..

November is Adoption Awareness Month, and so far, the month has been just that for us. More and more awareness about adoption.

We started the month by kicking off some of the steps for home study. We got our fingerprinting done first, because fingerprinting results take up to 3-4 weeks to come back. (Of course my finger printing wasn’t without drama! We discovered that my little pinky fingers don’t “print” very well. I have faint lines on my palms anyway, and the little pinkies are practically “smooth”. The fingerprint technician was making jokes with me, saying “If you ever turn to a life of crime, use your pinky fingers, so you don’t leave fingerprints! She then started referring to me as the “Pinky Finger Bank Robber”! Ha! Can you imagine that? I on the other hand couldn’t help but wonder if my fingerprints are getting eroded and my fingertips are now smooth because of all the “drumming my fingers” I have done in the last 8 years! So much of infertility and treatments involved waiting, doesn’t it? Hence the finger drumming…. get it? Get it?)

Then we got our medicals done. And as always, not without drama. No sir, in my life, nothing is without drama! DH went to his doctor, got a physical exam, got some blood work done, and was on his way. For me, drama.

As part of my physical, my Dr. ordered some blood work and X-ray. I went to get my X-Ray done, and after I was changed into the paper gown, the lab tech asks me “So I think I asked you this already, and you told me you are not pregnant, right?” No, lady, you did not ask me, and yes, while I am not pregnant, it shouldn’t be SO obvious, should it? I should at least be asked!!

Then I went to get the rest of my blood work done. I filled out my name and DOB on the check in form, and I get called up immediately.

Nurse: “Is this for your son?”
Me: …………………………… “No” (Couldn’t for the life of me figure out why she would assume that, till she pointed out that I had put 2009 in the “year” on the DOB part of the form!! D’oh! Why me?)

I finally get called in, and the phlebotomist puts on her glove and looks for my vein. She finds the vein, looks up at me, and says: “Looks like you’ve been poked a lot”. I said yes, and asked her how she could tell. She said she could feel all the scarring in my veins from the blood draws I have had earlier.

I could have let myself get sucked into the unfairness of it all, all the reminders, all the drama, and question the universe about the injustice that has been doled out towards me, and I did, for a tiny bit. I did have a “Woe is me” pity party for a little bit. But I am not going to allow myself to get sucked into that whirlpool again. I’m focusing on the end goal this time, and I have my sights set on bringing baby home.

The agency that we have selected as our adoption agency had an “Adoption Day Party” this weekend. DH and I went, to make use of the opportunity to meet other people in our shoes. It was an awesome experience. We met some birthmoms, and some adoptive families. There were little babies crawling / running around, and it was pure joy watching them.

Meeting the birthmoms was the best part. Talking to them brought images to my mind that this could work. We could, at the end of this, bring a child into our family in this way! We can actually do it! I hugged some of the birth moms after they shared their stories with us, and felt that all too familiar choke in my throat, and the sting of tears in my eyes. These birth moms are mere girls! 18 years old, 20 years old! They look like little kids! If we had had children at their age, some of them could actually BE our children! (I mean age wise)

I don’t know how our path ahead will be. I don’t know how rocky or smooth our adoption journey will be, but I do believe that somewhere in the universe, the wheels are turning. And our baby is making its way towards us. Only, none of us know how, and when it will all come together. But it will. It has to.


Sarang said...

Nikki, I'm sorry your day had some rough patches. All the "little unfairnesses" can really add up, I know.

But, more importantly, I love that you are forging ahead and I know things are going to fall into place for you.

I'm glad you had a good time at the Adoption Day Party. I can imagine such close conversations with the birth moms would be both powerful and also make it feel "real". It can happen, it will happen.

I love this line most of all:

"...somewhere in the universe, the wheels are turning. And our baby is making its way towards us."

I believe in this for you.

Kate said...

Boy does that day at the adoption agency sound wonderful - hopefully it made up for the Xray and bloodwork crap. I just tell the techs that either elbow will work, and the scars will show them the way. I wonder if they'll fade at all by the time I'm 50?
Hope the application process goes smoothly, and that some wonderful birth mom picks you very soon!

Courtney said...

Big hugs Nikki! Just want you to know that I'm here cheering you on in this new journey that you and your DH are taking. I'm so excited for you!!

Jill M. said...

A day without a few bumps in the road??? Of course not, not for those with IF. I'm sorry you had to deal with the bumps but I'm so happy to hear in the end that it was a great time. I'm really excited for you and it's really good to hear your excitement! Hugs

banditgirl said...

Listen, Smooth Pinky Bank Robber, could you please steal me a baby please? Okay, just kidding, but you cheered me up so much that I had to crack a joke. Thank you for being so witty, smart, articulate, this is all incredible! I did feel sad for you about these few drama bumps along the way, but the end result, the adoption party, sounded so nice and I could just feel your power and strength and determination and positive thinking (do you credit the hynpotherapist in part too for that?). Nikki, this is so great and I can see the end of the tunnel approaching. How happy I am for you.

DAVs said...

Nikki your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. YES, the wheels are turning.

I had always wondered if I would feel cheated out of some awesome delivery room experience if I adoptedI read this a long time ago and it has really really stayed with me regarding adoption: a life changing moment can be when you hold your baby for the first time, when you receive your referral picture, when you deliver your biological baby in a delivery room, OR when you meet your baby at an international orphanage--all of these are life changing, life defining moments and none are superior to the other. It took me a while, but I truly, truly believe this.

I am so happy for you!

Melissa G said...

"and I have my sights set on bringing baby home." I teared up a bit when I read that line.

I'm so glad to hear that you had you a good time at the "party". It must have been amazing to meet and connect with some of the birth mothers. What an excellent oppurtunity.

Unfortunately the medical drama seems to be par for the course, you poor thing! I hope the rest of this process makes up for the last 8 years. You so deserve that.


elliej said...

Just reading your post Nikki and am getting goose bumps. There seems to be something so ineffably right for you on the path you're going. Have just looked up the word 'ineffable to see if I used it right and one of its meanings is 'too sacred to be uttered'. That seems about right. I am so happy for you.

Anonymous said...

I loved the part where you said your baby was finding its way to you - he or she definitely is and I cannot wait.


Rambler said...

Honestly, I think it's time the universe came something back. Seriously.

I'm glad you had an such a cool informal opportunity (anything with "party" in the name has to be good!)to gather some input into the adoption process, and the families involved.

I hope you don't have to get fingerprinted again (ugh!) and the process moves along with fewer bumps. Either way, you're getting to the other side of the mountain. I know you are.

Lorraine said...

There is definitely a shift in the tenor of your posts- a true sense of hopefulness and anticipation. As an observer, I can say that it you have really come from a place of despair to a new kind of optimism, and I am so happy for you.

Can't wait to be happy for you to have that babe in your arms, too!

Chhandita said...

there is a beautiful family at the end of the tunnel n thts ur family- u. dh n ur baby...

Anonymous said...

I am proud of you and DH..

hugs to both..
shilpa and raj

the Babychaser: said...

Reading this post made me choke back tears, too. I imagine that one of the hardest things about adoption is starting this whole new process when you've already gone through hell and back with IVF. I mean, at least you know how to do IVF by now. This is something entirely new and scary in a whole new way.

But it's going to work. If there's one thing I've seen from blogging for two years it's that everyone truly determined to be a parent gets to be one. (God, I hope that didn't sound judgmental for someone who really hasn't been able to manage it. I don't mean to judge--I've just seen a lot of women become mothers even against tremendous odds.)

Your baby is out there. I hope he/she finds you soon.

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,

You always write beautifully, but this post was extra special.

I am so pleased that you are moving ahead with adoption plans. I have every confidence that you will make an amazing mother, and your child is making it's way towards you (and you towards them). x

Bluebird said...

I'm so sorry for the bumps in the road, and the bumps that are sure to come. . . but I am so proud of you and DH - for so many reasons, but mostly for holding out hope that the wheels are turning - what a beautiful image! And, fwiw, I believe this for you :)

Lisa said...

Oh Nikki, I'm so happy to hear this!! I strongly beleive that your baby IS making its way toward you. You deserve to be a mom, and no matter how it works out, I really beleive you will be. And when you finally hold your baby in your arms, you will know pure joy. And boy oh boy do you deserve it. I am rooting for you and so glad you started this process!!!

Anonymous said...

this post makes me really happy for you. That you are moving forward with building your family in a positive way. I wish all the best for your adoption and I know that somewhere out there your baby is coming!
I hope that your adoption is as smooth as can be. It's a hard road full of ups and downs (just like IVF is) but the prize at the end is undescribable!
I can't wait for you to share in that joy!

PS Birth moms are angels on earth! My daughter's birthmom is the sweetest and kindest young lady I know and will forever have a special place in my heart! :)

WannabeMommy said...

Hi there.. wanted to leave a comment because your agency sounds so great. Do you mind telling me which one it is? (I also live in the Bay area).

Ugh... I know all about that pity pary. Thrown a few myself. But looks like you've got things in good perspective


Meg. said...

Nikki! I love you to pieces. I'm sorry that I've been such an awful commenter/communicator lately. =(

I really, really liked this post. Your ongoing determination and dreams of parenthood are always inspirations to me.

I, too, believe that your baby is OUT THERE. His or her spirit may still be napping in the stars, but this baby's spirit will soon awake and find its way to your home.