Saturday, November 28, 2009

Angelversary

It’s been 2 years since that fateful appointment with my RE. I can remember every minute of that appointment like it happened just yesterday. Him smiling when he came into the room, telling us that was our last appointment with him, asking us if we had made an appointment with a perinatologist for subsequent visits.

And then the ultrasound when our world came tumbling down.

The RE’s shaking hands as he tried desperately to find that heartbeat, to dismiss his suspicions. His voice, higher pitched than usual, saying “There is no heartbeat”.

Numbed silence from DH and me. No tears, no words, no nothing. What could we say? Then the whole whirl of things – someone saying “Let’s schedule the D&C”, someone coming and hugging me, saying “I’m so sorry”. DH and me looking at each other, holding hands, still numbed and silenced by the events.

Two years to the day.

They say time is the best healer. I think time just dulls the pain. The actual pain remains forever. The loss remains forever. All time does is make memories dull and faint. I can feel the choking lump in my throat as I type this right now. The pain is still there, right at the surface.

If anything is fading, it’s my memories of how it felt to be pregnant. That was the only pregnancy I felt anything. Not being able to sleep on my tummy as I usually do, because my breasts hurt so much. Not be able to stay awake past 8 PM because I was just SO exhausted. Wanting to eat meat that was cooked with a lot of spice. I am not a beef eater – I didn’t even know how it tastes, but I swear, watching those steakhouse commercials on TV at that time would make me want to go eat steak right then!

But those memories are fading away. Every week, every month, every year, I am further away from the time I was pregnant.

I’ve been working very hard at accepting the cards that have been dealt out to me. I got tired of being angry at the universe. But then it’s days like today when the floodgates open, and everything comes pouring back in. Why us? What did we do wrong? Our baby would have been almost a year and a half old today. We should have had a home full of toys, and baby clothes and diapers and formula, and baby food. Instead, it’s just us, 2 more years older, no closer to having a family now than we were then!

On this day last year, as I wrote a blog entry, I was getting ready for my CCRM IVF. I still had hope. If my uterus was the problem, we had "fixed" it. If DH's translocation was the problem, we were doing genetic testing anyway. The cycle at CCRM HAD to work. Well, it didn't. We all know how that IVF cycle turned out.

Today, I feel miserable. Simply miserable. We did all we could, because we had the ability to hope, and we had the stamina to keep trying. We lost.

22 comments:

Jill M. said...

Oh man, what a tearful read. I always knew a m/c was painful, but it is so much more amplified now that I can imagine the pain of someone saying there's no heartbeat. I'm so sorry you had to hear those painful words and I wish there was something I could do to fix it all. My heart hurts for you. Always thinking of you and hopeful to hear great news soon. Love ya!

Bluebird said...

I have no words. I'm just so sorry. I understand your words and it hurts to read them. I'm so sorry you had to live them. ((Hugs))

lastchanceivf said...

Well, I never made it that far, but I do know this pain of putting yourself through EVERYTHING, and still feeling no closer than years ago when you started. And it hurts, worse than anything I've ever felt before. I wish I had a way to comfort you, but I don't, being in that non-comforting place myself. But I'll support you in whatever you decide to do next--whenever it is.

Shelby said...

Oh, my friend, I am so deeply sorry for how your journey has unfolded. I agree that time simply dulls the ache but will never, ever take the pain away. I remember my similar experience as if it were yesterday and no amount of good fortune will take away the fact that that was simply the most painful experience of my life. If there were a rhyme or reason to any of this, if life were a pure karma equation, you would not have had to endure any of this. Also thinking of you and hoping for the best in the future.

Nicole said...

Heartwrenching :( I totally agree that time only dulls pain. I am SOO sorry for your loss.

Sarang said...

Nikki, reading about this painful anniversary for you makes me so sad. I'm so sorry you and your DH had to experience any kind of heartache like this. My heart also hurts for you.

Please know you are in my thoughts.

Like Jill M., I am always hopeful to hear great news for you soon.

Much love.

Eileen said...

I feel like you have written a page from my life here. My heart breaks for you. I know your pain. I just noticed that you live in the bay area too. If you ever want to get together for coffee or tea or something, email me: eileenburnsjin@yahoo.com. It's always nice to meet people who can relate to what we have been through.

Maya said...

My heart goes out to you. {{{Hugs}}}

Chhandita said...

Your pain is felt by many...N, You are a beautiful person, inside and out...

Chhandita said...

I have Danny now, but the 'baby' I lost is still mourned for...

Melissa G said...

Nikki, my heart hurts for you. This post brought tears to my eyes, thank you for your honesty.

I'm sorry you've experienced so much pain... Please know I'm thinking of you, and here if you ever need to talk.

Hugs.

Illanare said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

Lorraine said...

My dear, I wish there was anything I could say that would make a real difference, but I know it's all pretty basic - time will heal, you'll find you're way, etc.

I guess what all of that really means is that what you need to fill this emptiness is in the future, and you just have to wait to catch up with it, whatever it is. I don't think time itself heals much of anything, but it brings you to the events that do heal. So, my hope for you is that time speeds your happiness to you.

Nothing will ever make you forget that day in the u/s room, but someday you will be able to look back with a quiet sadness instead of the kind of anguish that you are left with now. I hope that day finds you soon, sweet Nikki.

Lost in Space said...

I am so sorry, Nikki. I don't know what if feels like to lose a pregnancy, but I know that pain of losing the IF battle at that "magical" clinic. It's a hard place to come to and I find myself in and out of this ugly funk to misguided hopeful place on such a regular basis. I wish I had the answer for you...for all of us in this transitional place.

banditgirl said...

Nikki, I am so sorry. So very sorry. It is a very, very painful experience you are describing. I send you a lot of love, support, and kindness and I hope I can be there when you need it most.

Lavanya said...

I'm so sorry that you had go through that, i wish there is something I could do to make it better, i'm always here for you, call me anytime if you need to talk, it's the least i could do....My prayers and thoughts are with you.

After all these sufferings, there's got to be a happy ending.I'm very hopeful to hear good news from you soon.
Take care.

Margaret said...

Nikki - I'm so sorry.

Meg. said...

Oh Nikki. All of this is just so cosmically unfair.

I feel so helpless to do anything to make this better for you. Anniversaries are a time of remembrance, and I am remembering the life of your dear baby along side you.

The fact that you are still standing, still pushing forward 2 years later is a testament of your strength. I'm sure that your angel baby is urging you along from Heaven.

I love you, Nikki!

Rambler said...

Nikki, I am always amazed at your profound strength and beauty.

I'm sorry you're having to write this entry about such a painful event and I'm sorry the ability to hope makes the moment even more heartwrenching.

Thinking of you...

Lisa said...

I've been thinking of you lately, and was so sad to read this post when I came to your blog today. I'm so sorry for everything you continue to go through. You must feel so alone and so angry and so defeated. It is NOT FAIR. And so heartwrenching I can't even beleive it. But you have not lost Nikki, not yet, because even though you think you have lost all hope, I know deep down you will find it again. You will dig even deeper, like you always do, because you are honestly one of the strongest people I know. And I've never even met you. Yet, you are an inspiration of strength and courage and yes, hope. I will never give up hope for a happy ending for you. I know it is waiting for you. I know it.

meinsideout said...

thinking of you ((HUGS))

nancy said...

Nikki, I'm so sorry you feel this way. What a very hard day you had and a terrible anniversary to have to go through. A million ~hugs~ to you coming over the internet.