Sunday, December 6, 2009

It was good while it lasted

Nobody said the adoption process was going to be smooth sailing, but after 8 years on a stomach churning, vomit inducing roller coaster ride called infertility, I was secretly hoping we’d get a break and the universe would put us into the “preferential treatment” category. A girl can dream, can’t she?

It all started 2 months ago. When I wrote this post, we were close to finalizing which agency we would go with, and we were close to initiating the entire paperwork. We wrapped our minds around bringing home a baby of a different race, and started visualizing in our minds a baby in our arms, a baby that we would love unconditionally – our baby.

And then we got a call – from the same agency that we were finalizing to sign up with. Hold your breath – they told us they had been contacted by a social worker in Nevada, who had been contacted by an Indian family. There was a young girl in this family who was pregnant, and they were considering placing this baby up for adoption.

As you can imagine, our world did an instant flip flop! The agency said they remembered us from our conversation with them, and since it was rare for them to come across an Indian baby up for adoption, they thought of asking us if we would be interested.

IF we would be interested??? Of course we would be interested!!

Mind you, we weren’t even signed up with the agency yet, so they really had no obligation to bring us this potential match! So in our na├»ve minds, we started believing this was meant to be! This was the universe’s way of cutting us a break, and making something easy for us. We couldn’t stop smiling!

The agency gave us less than 2 days to prepare our “Dear Birthmother” letter and our profile booklet. We worked like insane people on a mission! Writing, selecting pictures, creating the profile, printing, binding, rushing to the agency etc.

And then the wait started. I literally had my phone attached to me like an additional appendage all the time. How cool was this! Unlike other couples who usually don’t get the chance to “customize” their profiles and letters to the birthmom’s situation, we had been so lucky to have some information about the birthmom. We knew she was Punjabi (ie, from around the part of India my family is from), so our pictures depicted our Indian roots more than we would have initially imagined. Our letter was written in English, and I also wrote out a copy in Indian! Our profile literally was screaming: “Pick Me! Pick Me!”

We were so sure this was going to work! I mean, how couldn’t it? There had to be karma involved in this, right?

One week went past. No phone call. Two weeks went past. No phone call. We followed up with the agency. They had not heard either, and they promised to follow up with the social worker. They came back saying the social worker had not heard anything either.

One month went past. No phone call. Now it’s almost 2 months. I’m not carrying my phone like it’s my lifeline anymore. The agency never heard anything back. They feel no news means it didn’t work out. And I’ve stopped hoping too. Yes, there is that tiny little sliver of chance that MAYBE, just maybe, it will still happen, and that the birth mom and her family (her dad was the one driving the entire conversation with the agency in the beginning) may still call us. But then there is the very real and probably more likely possibility that we will never hear from them.

We don’t know if they didn’t pick us, and picked someone else from another agency, or if someone within their family / friend circle offered to take care of the baby or if they decided not to put the baby up for adoption after all. Who knows what their reality and situation is at this point.

But it was good while it lasted. The shine and sparkle in our eyes was worth it! We allowed ourselves to hope so much about this working out that we actually had conversations revolving around me taking time off from work, and us having to figure out day-care etc.! Pre-mature yes, but it was a huge first for us.

We had never before come within touching and feeling distance of a baby like this! This birth mother is due on Jan 27! If this match had worked out, we really would have had to have all those conversations and decisions in place by now!

But I guess it’s not so simple in my life. The universe and karma and fate and whoever else is not cutting me any slack. The adoption ride may turn out to be as crazy a roller coaster as our IF treatment ride. Hop on and hang tight!


Kate said...

I'm so sorry you didn't hear back from them.
But you sound so excited about adoption, so positive, and I hope that the right baby finds its way to you sometime very soon!

nancy said...

You've had it so hard Nikki that I think you should be cut a break in this big universe. I'm really sorry no one heard anything back. The adoption process can be just as heartbreaking with the same kind of waits, except adoption doesn't go by the 2ww we are all so used to.

Melissa G said...

Holy Crap Nikki.

I cannot understand why the universe has not cut you guys any slack. You two are going to be such amazing parents... I hate that you've had to endure so much, and I REALLY hope the torment ends for you soon. You two deserve so much to be parents. It just breaks my heart to see you go through all this.

At the same time I'm encouraged by your hope. I love that you both let go of any fears and talked about the realities of child care and what you may have to deal with as new parents. Please don't give up.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Gah - that sucks - I am so sorry. It is good to hear from you and I continue to be inspired by how amazing you are.

DAVs said...

Oh Nikki. This is why I cringe when people say "just adopt" and I know you do, too. It's literally trading one crazy wild roller coaster of potential heartache and waiting for another. And boy do I wish the universe/karma worked the way it SEEMS like it should...
Hang in there.

LaurenKauf said...

I truly wish you the best of luck!!! You are a strong willed person, hang in there!!

Sue said...

Wow. I so wish that it was the universe giving you guys a deserve it so much. I would have been unbelievably thrilled...just reading your post I was feeling your excitement. But, okay, here is the little thing that came out of guys are ready for adoption...I'm guessing that not once during that potential match did you lament your infertility losses...because this was such a beautiful thing to look forward to. IT WILL HAPPEN!!!! I still wish that they are just hesitating and you will hear and be in a mad-dash to get that baby...but I know how you must feel. I would have loved to have seen that first picture post of your new baby. Hugs.

Sarang said...

Oh, Nikki, I have tears in my eyes. It's so bittersweet, I so so hoped that the universe would give you a much deserved break by making this as easy as possible for you...and until January passes, I will hold onto the thread, the sliver of hope that it could be a last-minute match because we know that happens.

But, more importantly, I love how the *shine and sparkle* in your eyes was brought back. And the important conversations you and DH are having!

It will 100% happen for you guys. No guarantees on when, but you WILL be parents.

And...I can't wait to throw you a Paper Pregnant Party to celebrate! XOXO

the Babychaser: said...

Oh, god, Nikki, this is EXACTLY why I (still) dread having to throw my hat into the adoption ring. It's one thing to hop in all fresh and excited, but to go into it so bruised and battered from the years of IF, it's just not fair.

You sound like you're in an okay place right now, and you seem to be maintaining the best attitude possible. But my heart aches for you.

At least know this: you've been strong for 8 long years. You can handle this, too.

Jill M. said...

Nikki, it was soooo good to read all about your excitement, I hope to run into another post very soon that portrays that kind of excitement again. I'm so sorry that you have been left hanging. That is the worst, I wish they would have at least told you what's going on instead of leaving you hanging onto every thread.

I pray you receive a break very soon and that you get another precious call that works out to the fullest. Hugs

Meg. said...

Oh Nikki! I had no idea.

It truly seemed like the Universe was tapping you on the shoulder, whispering, "See, I told you this would all work out." Right now, I wish the damn Universe would stop being so fickle!

Like many of the other commenters, I'm still hoping for a last-minute miracle. This baby would be so blessed to become a part of your family.

Please keep us posted if you can (and if you want to)!

banditgirl said...

Wow, this is crazy, what a rollercoaster, oh my god! But the fact that you guys got so excited and so empowered means that this is the right path to be on, even if it is not without difficulties. Maybe it's the one of the last challenges life is throwing at you before your baby lands in your arms, and I can't wait (I hope I get to be invited by Sarang to the Paper Pregnant Party!)

Nicole said...

That did seem like the most amazing opportunity, I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out :( You sound so positive in light of this negative cirucmstance; it's encouraging. I really hope something turns in your favor soon soon!!

Lost in Space said...

Wow, Nikki, what a ride you are on! I could feel the excitement in your words and I'm so sorry things have stalled out right now.

I so hope you are able to catch a break soon. You've had your fill of heartbreak for many lifetimes.

Many hugs...

Lorraine said...

I'm going to go ahead and make a few assumptions here:

If she HAD decided to put her baby up for adoption, of course she would have picked you. She must have reconsidered - and if so, let's assume that it is for the best for that baby.

BUT, the take-away here is that you and your husband are memorable to an agency you hadn't even signed with. I wonder if you can somehow cast your net wider in that same way. We know a woman (not Indian) who adopted an Indian boy (he's a teenager now) because the parents didn't know what to do and basically just asked her to take him. The whole thing maybe didn't work out as well as it should have, and I wonder if the parents would have made the same decision if they thought they had a better option.

You are the perfect match for somebody - perfect in every way.

Rambler said...

Oh dear...huge hugs to you. To have something so ideal like that dangled in front of you and then taken away. My guess (taking culture into consideration) is that it had *nothing* to do with your portfolio or not liking your profile. Probably everything to do with reconsidering and keeping the baby or letting a relative take it.

I'm so sorry, I'm probably more bitter about the turn of events than you are. I don't like to see good people not get what they so sorely deserve. And you really are a gem. :)

Shelby said...

I'm so sorry to hear that this did not work out. This breaks my heart. I too would have seen it as fate, meant-to-be and I hate that it wasn't. But the hope you got from it, while no perfect consolation prize, sounds like it was something you desperately needed. I'm so glad you two found it.

I am in awe of your beautiful support system and strong union that you and your DH have given each other. Together you will find your way, whatever direction that is.

Lisa said...

Hi Nikki!
So glad to hear that you are in the adoption process. Yes, it's a rough ride, but at least it's a step forward. IT sucks that they left you hanging about this match, but you never know, stranger things have happened, you could even still hear back! And if not, at least you got to get excited and feel invested in the process. I hope you get your miracle soon. I will continue to say tons of prayers for you.

Rebecca said...

Man... I am SO sorry. We have a slightly similar story that I may blog about one day.

Our dreams will come true... I don't know when... I don't know how...

Until then, it's a rough ride. I'm hanging on, just barely.