Saturday, January 16, 2010


So often, what you get out of your job depends on your manager. If you’re lucky to have a good manager, you can concentrate on your work, and life goes on. If you get a moron for a manager, life will chase you down to your workplace and mock at you.

My manager, as we’ve guessed by now, belonged to the latter group. Grade A moron. Right from assuming that I was childless because I chose not to have kids, to assuming that my in-laws probably hate me because I chose not to have kids, to making comments about how it didn’t matter where I live because I don’t have kids, to how he realized the value of a woman only when his wife was in labor during delivery, he demonstrated his clueless-ness over and over again.

I did my bit in keeping him informed about my situation (specially when we were going to Denver for my FET), and then also told him when the cycle didn’t work out (because I was a mess and wanted to leave work after I got the BFN call).

This background will explain why the following incident left me both seething in anger, and shaking my head in disbelief.

This happened maybe 3 weeks after my BFN (so yes, even the timing was absolutely wrong!). He called me to his office and gave me a piece of paper and said “Can you help me write something for this?” I was expecting this to be some sort of a marketing / sales related announcement or something, so I picked up the paper and read it. Before I make any further comments about it – here you go, read it for yourself. The picture is not very clear because I took it from my phone camera and my hands were shaking too badly to get a steady shot!

He wanted me to help him with a letter to his 5 year old daughter’s kindergarten class???

Needless to say my jaw fell to the ground, my hands went cold, and my throat went dry. 10 million thoughts raced through my head at the same time. What kind of idiot does this? This was wrong on so many levels – just so wrong on so many levels!

a) He knew of my situation, and my fresh, recent BFN. How wrong of him to even think of asking me to help with this!
b) Forget the IF, even professionally this was so wrong! I am / was not his secretary! And even if I was his secretary, I am sure it would not be part of my job to write personal notes for him and his kids!

My first thought was to say No. But I was just so stunned that I couldn’t say anything. I stood there and looked at him, and right then, his phone rang. He picked it up, and I walked back to my desk, paper in hand.

I IM’ed my DH and told him what had happened, and what assignment I had been given. He was LIVID! Like, ready to come there and – in DH”s actual words - “kick his a$$” DH told me not to write it, and that starting that day I “should be on sick leave – just imagine you have the flu or something” till I could find another job. It’s sweet to know that my DH totally has my back when in comes to situations like these. Here’s a man who is in touch with the emotions of IF, and is man enough to accept the emotions!

After my heart stopped racing, and my hands stopped shaking, I thought about going back to my manager and explaining why it was inappropriate of him to ask me to write this letter. Then I was like – he’s never going to understand. I mean - he didn’t have enough EQ in the first place, because if he did, he would never have asked! He would never get it. It would just be all the more painful for me to be talking about my IF to such a clueless man.

And the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to me that it would be easier for me to just write the note, than to try and explain myself to my manager.

So I did it. I wrote the note. I just made believe that I was writing it to my imaginary kindergartener.

PS: And to complete the story – no, I did not go on sick leave after this incident. I went back to work and carried on with my usual work as always. I waited till the time was right for me to leave, and I left on good terms. He will never know that he subjected DH and me to so much turmoil that day.

PPS: To redeem him a little, he did say this when I resigned earlier this month “I hope 2010 is your year. I hope your adoption match comes through because I can’t see you wanting a baby so bad, and I hope your career takes off the way you want it to” (His language is not as smooth as this, but this is what he meant)


lastchanceivf said...

YIKES! That is unbelievable! I don't care how nice he was when you left, that doesn't make up for his moron-ness. I am so glad you're OUT OF THERE.


Melissa G said...

I remember when you told that story at dinner the first time I met you. And I am still just as mortified and angry hearing it again...

And I agree with LC, a few kind words at the end doesn't make up for years of being so callous to your situation... Gah, enough talk about that meathead.

Enjoy your time off, and I hope your new job and coworkers are a much better fit..

Anonymous said...

wtf - totally classless loser! So glad you are not working there any longer - are you loving the new job?

Linda said...

OMG! You handled it much better than I would have. I know I'd be balling my eyes out, that's for sure. One thing I've come to realize is that "fertiles" just don't get it. I mean, they can have as many children as they want and whenever they want. And we "infertiles" would give anything & everything just to have one, feel that happiness just once. Ugh. I'm sorry you were put in that situation. I do hope with all my might that this year will bring you (and all who are still waiting for their turn) much happiness. Sending you a cyber hug...

Kate said...

What a loser! Someone actually married this guy? Why couldn't they write the note for him? Thank God your husband's a thousand times better (based solely on his reaction to your boss' request).
Good for you for getting out!

Lorraine said...

What an ass! How can somebody not be able to write a note to their own kid???

So glad you're done there. That job served it's purpose in getting you back to work when you weren't sure what you were doing, but beyond that it was never what you really wanted (in work) anyway. I share the sentiments at the end of the post - I too hope 2010 is your year, that you get to start your family, have the career you really want - but I am 100% positive that I mean it more sincerely than he did!

Thanks for sharing this, though - it's good to see what really goes on out there.

Rambler said...

When I frist saw this title I thought it said "Blossoms"!! I guess I was a bit off.

So incredible that someone doesn't even have enough intelligence to write something for their kid. Something that's supposed to come from *his* heart. Or his wife's I suppose...

Well, soo good that you are out of there. It was your rest point before kicking ass with the next job.

Angie said...

It never ceases to amaze me at how insensitive people can be even when they know about an IF'ers situation. Glad you were able to push through that day and are now out of there!

Jill M. said...

You've got to be kidding me!!! What an insensitive idiot! I think you should have told him to write it himself and to be thankful that he had to opportunity to even be in a position to write it. So sorry Nikki!

Sarang said...

If there was a prize for World's Stupidest Boss, I would give him the trophy -- free and clear.

I don't think he would have clued in either if you had tried to educate him about why that "assignment" was so off base. I mean, you already had spoke up on other occasions and he still did that!!

So glad you are outta there and off to a wonderful job with a great new company!

I do agree with one thing out of his mouth -- I think 2010 is shaping up to be your year. XOXO

banditgirl said...

This is not true. This did not happen. But I know it did! What a fucking idiot asshole! And that is why I commend you on sailing through, while holding in all the pain that goes with this. Wow.
Congratulations on your successful job search and moving on and I am so proud of you! You kick ass, Nikki!

Bluebird said...

Hey honey! Just stopping by to check in with you. Sorry you have to deal with such an asshat :)

Lisa said...

What a dick head!!

I mean really! He is lucky you didn't kick his ass.

You handled it with grace and strength. But man. What an ass. To think of what he put you through that day makes me sick. And the worst part is that he didn't even know it.

But for what it's worth, I hope 2010 is your year too! I am saying tons of prayers that this is the year your miracle happens. You deserve to be happy more than anyone. You have been through so much and are still standing.

You are amazing!

Anonymous said...

not to mention how can he not be able to write a letter to his own kid?? seems weird to me.

i would have been tempted to write something like, "dear kid, i can't write a letter, so i had to ask a colleague. blah blah blah"

i really do hope that 2010 is a much better year!!!


Sue said...

I am so sorry you had to deal with such an idiot! You definitely handled it with more class and strength than I probably would have. What a horrible position to have put you in! I am so glad you are out of there.

Meg. said...

You know I already know all about this story, but I just wanted to reiterate what an ASS your ex-boss is! Ick ick ICK!

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I hope you're enjoying your time off!

Lost in Space said...

OMG I am so glad you got out of there. Unbelievable!

Chhandita said...

This remoinds me of my firs job when my boss asked me "Chhandita darling, will you please get me some coffee" arghhh

Linda said...

Just checking in to see how you're doing...

Sarang said...

Even tho I see you often, miss reading about YOU. XO

Lisa said...

Hi Nikki,

I've been thinking about you lately and keep checking in to see how you are doing. I hope no news is good news and that you are hanging in there and everything is going okay.

Big big hugs,

Lisa said...

Hey Nikki,
I was just thinking about you and wanted to check in. Hope everything's okay.
Big Hugs,