Sunday, April 18, 2010

Unresolved

Firstly – thank you so much to those of you who thought of me, and thought of me enough to come leave a comment enquiring about my whereabouts. I’m sorry I disappeared off the face of the earth altogether.

I’m sorry for being a bad blogger, and being a bad reader. Sorry to everyone who needed my support and I wasn’t there to offer it. Really, truly sorry about that. No excuse is good enough for not being a good friend, specially in the IF world.

Congrats to the BFPs, new babies, healthy pregnancies, and everyone who is on their way to beating the IF monster in one way or another.

Me – I’m in the “none of the above” category – yet again. It seems to be the story and motto of my life. And this time I have nobody but myself to blame.

The last time I was here on my blog, we had completed our home study, and were about to get started on the outreach part of our adoption process. That was when I just started a new job, which turned out to be way more stressful than I had ever imagined. So our first thought was to wait a couple of months till I feel more settled in my job before we jump into outreach with adoption, because that was going to entail a lot of work on our part as well. We would have to make our booklet, put aside pictures for it, get letters of recommendations from friends (which we had partly done already).

We would also have to write a letter, make 3000 copies of it (yes, 3000 – and that’s not a typo), and mail it out to medical centers, OB-GYNs, Planned Parenthood clinics etc across the country. That’s part of our agency’s outreach program. 3000 copies, 3000 envelopes, 3000 stamps – undefined time, lots of money – in short, a complete 100% commitment from us.

So we decided to take a couple of months before doing this. And during those couple of months, I decided to continue to read about adoption to be more prepared as an adoptive parent.

Only, I didn’t expect my brain to do a total flip on me. It did. The more I read, the more I was convinced I was not ready to adopt. The books talked about issues with open adoptions – the questions kids ask, the grief and loss they feel, the situations that come up, and how over and over again we, as adoptive parents will have to deal with those situations. It just made me panic more and more, making me feel like I was not ready to proceed at all.

And I know one can never be fully aware of all the situations one is going to deal with in life, and I know that everyone’s story turns out to be different, but I also know that I’m tired, and I don’t want to have to deal anymore.

I feel like such an idiot to have been so sure about everything, to have moved ahead with (and completed!!) the home study, and to now realize and confess that perhaps I am not ready to adopt at all. Suddenly the option of living child-free seems more appealing.

I mean, we know how to deal with this – infertility, and life with infertility and being childless. We know how to respond to inquisitive questions – whether they are sensitive or not. Other than IF, life is pretty decent.

What I don’t know is if I am ready for yet another roller coaster. A lifetime of “age appropriate information” to the child, a lifetime of questions, and inquiries and situations.

Adoption can help fill our need to parent, but it will not fill the void infertility has caused, nor will it heal the wounds and gashes that are so deep. And I don’t know if, for fulfilling our parenting need, we are ready to take on so much more at this time.

DH feels I may be right, specially since our adoption would be transracial (and that in itself will cause several more unique situations). He feels like we should really think this through before we take any further steps, and maybe even wait till we are eligible to adopt from India.

So here we are. In my head, living child-free seems like a tempting option. In DH’s head, not so much. He feels we should parent, but he agrees that we should not jump in when we are not totally ready. Therefore, we have put the brakes on the process for now. I don’t know how this will resolve, and like much of our life for the last 9 years, we shall see.

30 comments:

lastchanceivf said...

Oh Nikki. My heart breaks for you just reading this post. I so know how you feel--going this way and that and thinking you feel one thing and then feeling the opposite on another day. It's so hard, so so hard to process and think about all of this.
Shoot me an email if you want: lastchance@gmail.com if you ever want to talk...

Sarang said...

Nikki, though I knew much of what you were feeling and where you are right now, it was heart-clenching to read parts of this.

Whatever happens, I know you and your DH will make the right decision for both of you.

I know it's a very trying time right now with your new job (and even with being sick right now).

I do think, like your DH, that adoption from India next year when you are eligible as citizens (and, BTW, what a messed up U.S. law) could maybe be the answer you are seeking?

Of course, I know I am projecting, and that's not fair, but I see you as parents and so very much want that for you.

I am here for you anytime. Just as I know you've been here for me. All my love to you.

Shelby said...

As I've said in person, I think the only way to go is to take your time and whatever you end up doing, let it be with your whole heart. You are so wise in going about life in this way. I just know that whether you live child-free, adopt domestically, adopt from India, or none-of-the-above, you will find your way. Wherever you go, let me know how I can help get you there!

(whether that's stuffing 3,000 envelopes, picking out a yacht to sail around the world on, or decorating a nursery...I'll be there!)

meinsideout said...

((HUGS)) all over the place. You are an amazing woman.

banditgirl said...

Dearest Nikki, I am so sorry about all this that these difficult decisions bring up. I think it's always best go with how you feel and not place any expectations or pressure on yourself. It sounds like you needed and need more time, so you are taking it, and no one can blame you. I still get so furious about the fucked up US law that only citizens can adopt. No rationality or reason there. It's wrong and it's fucked up. Didn't realize you guys were so close to becoming citizens! By then, who knows, things will have shifted and you will see where you are at then (I am more than happy to provide you with my CD or booklet or answer any related questions you might have!). And please count me into the envelope stuffing-copying crew, if you ever need the help :)

Caroline said...

It's so nice to hear from you. Hugs. xx

Chhandita said...

N, i personally know how difficult adoption is. and yesu need to be ready for it. BUT all children-biological or adopted have issues, as i see in my family. whatever u choose, we shall be around.

Lisa said...

Oh Nikki, I'm so glad to hear from you. But also sorry to read that things haven't really moved one way or the other for you. The title of your post says it all. I hate that you are in this place, but I know it's all part of the process, and one day, it'll get hit you. All the thinking, all the planning, and all the what if's will go right out the window and you will jump in with both feet and say, eff it! This is what we are going to do. I just hope that you get to that day sooner than later, because being unresolved sucks. Whether it's adopting, using a surrogate, or doing anything will your embryo, or moving to Europe or some such exotic place and deciding to live child-free. Making a decision will free you once and for all. And jumping head in, even with all the doubts and fears and problems, will be better than sitting on the sidelines waiting and wondering and going around and around on the merry-go-round to nowhere. There is much to be said for taking a well deserved mental break though, so I hope you are at least enjoying that. And enjoying forgetting about it all. But for what it's worth, I think if you do decide to live child-free, you should stand up tall and chose it. Claim it. Don't just let it happen to you because of indecision. Choosing is such a powerful thing to do. So when you're ready, and even if you're not, I say you take stock, take control, and make a choice. And for what it's worth -- as tempting as it may seem, I believe that you were born to be a mother and there is much happiness waiting for you. I beleive in happy endings -- and I honestly and sincerly beleive that there is a happy ending waiting for you at the end of this long and crazy and heartbreaking journey. And just remember, the happiest of endings can only actually happen in the stories of people with the deepest, longest, and hardest struggles. When all hope seems lost, it's then, that the answer appears. Your happy ending is out there Nikki. I believe it and can't wait to cheer and cry tears of joy when it finally happens. And I just know that one day it will.

Huge, Hopeful, Happy Hugs your way.
Lisa xo

Melissa G said...

First of all, no apologies necessary. We've all taken breaks and I think everyone can understand an absense. Sometimes it's important just to walk away for a while.

If there's anything we've learned from IF it's the confidence in knowing when you're ready for the next step. You and DH are such amazing people, I know what ever you decide you will live fully and be happy together.

(((Hugs)))

Nichole said...

Nikki -

It is so glad to hear from you. I am not sure if this helps or not...but we are in a similar boat. We should be certified by the end of the month and the closer we get to being certified, the less convinced I am that adoption is the right choice for us.

I have thought about all of the same things you have. Most likely our adoption would be transracial as well, and just hearing some comments from our families...make me wonder if a child of a different race would really "fit" in our family.

Then there is the cost. I can think of a lot of things I could spend $20,000 on!

I don't know...right now I am putting that on the back burner. We are not moving forward at this time until we feel more at peace with our decision. Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone...

Big Hugs!

Lost in Space said...

Oh Nikki, this stuff is just so hard. My hubby and I have spent the last year (plus) in and out of feeling like we were ready. Collectively we are just not there yet and without both of us in it 100% we will remain a family of 2. It is a process and nobody goes through in the same way.

Maybe you aren't done grieving yet. There is nothing you can do but give yourself the time and freedom to feel whatever you need to feel without all the added pressure of next steps.

Sending hugs and wishing I could give you one IRL...

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, you have 4 normal embryos at an excellent clinic. Have you considered that a surrogate would be a far smoother, easier and more fulfilling option? And all the levels of explanations to the child would go away. Only one explanation that mommy needed the help of another lady to bring you here. But my heart goes out to you and I wish you the best.

Bev

Phoebe said...

I really appreciate you writing this because I too feel like I am "unresolved" and in the "none of the above" category. I know that I'll be moving on to a non-traditional way of building a family, if I choose to do so. I'm also considering child-free. I agree with Lost in Space that the grieving process seems to take much longer than you expect. I think it makes sense that you are not ready for adoption, as it will require a different level of effort, but a lot of effort just the same as IF treatment. Take the time you need to process all of this. I'll be here when you come back, or maybe I'll be off on my own convoluted process!!

Lauren said...

Just sending you hugs, Nikki. I understand the frustration. I'll be thinking of you, as always.

Lavanya said...

Glad to see you writing after a long time.

I'm sure you and DH will make the right decision, In my opininon people who faced infertility can face anything in the world and tackle it successfully, whether your decision is adoptiong a child, or use a surrogate or do another cycle with your embryos, I'm sure you will find your way and will come out of this successfully one way or the other. Good Luck and please feel free to call me if you need to talk.

Lisa said...

Just dropping by to say hi. Hope you're having a great day. There is so much to be said for focusing on and enjoying this moment. This day.

Big hugs.

Misty Dawn said...

Hey girl, just checking in since we've not heard from you in a while. (((HUGS)))

Sarang said...

Looking fwd to your next post. XOXO

Lisa said...

Hi Nikki, just wanted to say that I hope you're enjoying your summer. And that I still think of you and wish all the best for you.
Peace, Love, Happiness
xox

Anonymous said...

Hey Nikki

I check your blog almost every day to see if you have an update..even if you dont I hope your life is moving in a positive direction. I do not know anybody else who deserves it more.

Keeping you in my prayers always,
Heavyheart2008

Lisa said...

Hi Nikki,
Just wanted to check in and say hi. Please know that you are still in my thoughts.

Polly Gamwich said...

Just thinkin' about you ...

Anonymous said...

Nikki

Still checking every single day..
still praying for you.

Take care
Heavyheart2008

Brett and Audra said...

Hey Hun! Just checking on you!!!!! Where are ya????

Lisa said...

Hi Nikki, It's been a year since we've heard from you and I just wanted you to know that I still check on you from time to time and hope for an update. I'm hoping things are going okay. You had such amazing strength going through your journey and were such a wonderful kind and truthful soul. I wish you happiness and love.

Mo and Will said...

hey Nikki

Just stopping in to say thinking of you. From one woman in limbo to another ) Hope you are doing well. Would love to hear an update. Take care of yourself.

Mo

Linda said...

I've checked your blog many times but didn't leave a comment. I think about you and hope you're doing ok. Please when you have a chance, update and let us know how you are.

Dream Seeker said...

Nikki, I just came across your blog after a long long time not writing mine either...I hope everything is okay for you. Would love to know how you're getting on and what decisions you made.... Sending heartfelt hope xxxx

Linda said...

Still thinking about you. I hope you're doing well.

Lisa said...

Thanks Nikki

I still think of you and hope that you are happy. xo