Blank

I know I’ve been a bad blogger, and I apologize. I haven’t been absent intentionally, and yet, I have no real excuses. I’ve come to my blog every day, and have clicked on “New Post” several times. My fingers have hovered over the keyboard, and no words have come out. I’m just feeling blank. No other word for it. Just blank.

Is my new job keeping me that busy? Not really. My new job is just that – a new job. I have realized I’m not going to get any intellectual stimulation in this new job. And I have realized I probably cannot make a career out of being in this company. So, unless things change, I’m treating it as just a new job. I will work diligently, but I’m not hoping for or envisioning a long-term plan with this job.

Where am I with IF? Nowhere. I find myself not thinking about IF or not planning my next steps. Maybe it’s just the feeling of “snapping free” from a long and terrible 12 months of treatments, losses and failures. My chemical pregnancy was around this time last year. I was so numbed out. At that point I thought the only way forward would be upward. But no. Little did I know what was in store for me for the rest of the year.

Now? Now I’m just numb. I think it’s because right here, right now, the state I’m in, I have “hope”. No, I don’t have hope that I will have a baby at the end of this, but I have hope because I have 4 frozen embryos. My body has not yet killed the 4 embryos that we have. I feel like if I proceed with the FET, and it doesn’t work (either by way of a BFN or by way of another pregnancy loss), I wouldn’t even have that one ray of hope that I’m so desperately hanging on to right now.

And this is very unlike me too – I’m usually the kinds who barrels right ahead with any treatment, or any “next steps” that we have. But this time, it feels different. It feels like it IS the final hurrah, the last crusade. If this doesn’t work, then we don’t think we have the stamina, capability or just the patience to try any more. I may be stuck where I’ve been for 8 years – trying to conceive a child, but time hasn’t stopped. I turned 38 last month, and I do realize I’m fighting a losing battle now.

Weeks had gone past and we hadn’t talked about IF and our FET. But last week DH and I spoke for a little bit. Very tentative plans – what should we do about FET? When should we attempt it? As of now, we feel like we will probably shoot for June or July. Of course a large part of the attempt will now depend on Aunt F, and considering that I’ve subjected my body to various drugs and hormones over the last year, I’m not sure when Aunt F is going to visit. I’m on CD 21 today. I plan to call CCRM with my next AF, so see what our schedules can be like.

So we’ll see. I don’t have the capability to hope for myself anymore. I don’t have the energy or the stamina to think of new options or to ask the doctors any more questions. I’m totally out of steam and I want this nightmare to be over.

I want to wake up to a normal life. Life was not supposed to be like this. Something went terribly wrong somewhere…..

You don't have children

New Manager: Do you have children?
Me: No. I have a dog, though!
New Manager: Oh – what kind of dog do you have?
Me: German shepherd.
New Manager: Whoah!!!!!
Me: …………

In my head, I was dying to continue the conversation, and the imaginary continuation was:

Me: Do YOU have kids?
New Manager: Yes.
Me: Oh, what kind of kids do you have?
New Manager: Boy (or Girl)
Me: Whoah!!!!!!!

But no, the conversation didn’t go that way. Instead this is how it went:

New Manager: Where do you live?
Me: (Telling him where I live)
New Manager: Oh yes – I know the area. Yeah, see, you don’t have children; it doesn’t matter where you live.
Me:????????????????

Why is it that my life and my existence is so inconsequential just because I don't have children? Story of our lives huh? Darn it, IF!! 

Back in action

I’m back in CA, back in circulation, and back to reality. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers for my uncle and his family. I know they needed all the prayers they could get.

I’m glad I went and stayed with them last week, and I hope my visit helped them, even a little. My uncle had to have a tracheostomy, and has now been fitted with a tube through his throat through which he will breathe. They have also put a tube into his tummy through which he will be fed. As of now, he will be dependent on the breathing and feeding tubes for as long as he lives, unless some miracle happens and he gets strong enough to breathe and eat on his own.

It was all very emotionally draining to experience, and if it was emotional for me, I cannot even imagine how my aunt and my cousin must feel. And of course how my uncle must feel going through all this. He has been sick for the last 9 years now, and it’s always been one episode after the other, with no real diagnosis. They’ve gone through an inordinate amount in their lives, and guess what? Their struggles started with IF too! I will write about them in detail in a separate post because the perspective I have gained last week deserves its own blog post.

It was DH’s birthday last Tuesday, and I was not here, and it tore me apart to not be able to be with him that day. But we have wonderful friends, and I organized with some of them to take him out to dinner and make sure he had a nice day. The dinner was planned as a surprise for DH, and it worked pretty well!

The last couple of weeks have just zipped past! Why is it that time goes by SO SLOWLY when we’re on a treatment cycle – like the painfully long and slow days during the 2ww or during lining prep for FET, and just completely zips past otherwise? I have hardly had time to sit and think about IF, plan my next steps or anything!

In other news, my job hunt went way better than I anticipated. I got a couple of offers, and I accepted one of them, and I actually just started a new job today! I’m excited to be back in the game, and I’m proud that things moved so quickly once I had decided to look. I was so scared of facing an interview, and it so ended up that I got an offer for every interview I went for, and I did manage to do good interviews without being broken down by my IF experiences of the last year. So, as of today, I’m employed!

Fly By Updates

Its amazing how, when IF isn't taking over your life, LIFE takes over your life! I've been busy in the last couple of weeks, focussing primarily on the job hunt. It's been a relief to just be ME. I'm enjoying being ME and not infertile me. (No, I didn't suddenly turn fertile, but I'm just not focussing on IF for the time being)

It's like there is this part of my brain that I somehow switched off - no IF thoughts, no IF conversations, no IF depression, and it feels like a weight has lifted from my soul! Instead, I'm wearing my MBA hat - sending resumes, attending interviews, negotiating offers etc. And it's a different level of energy that flows in your veins when you're not thinking IF! 

I was busy with my job hunt, and suddenly I have another diversion. A family situation this time. I have an uncle who lives in NH (this is my mom's brother). My uncle has been sick off and on for the last few years. A few days ago, he got taken very ill again, and got admitted to the ICU with a collapsed lung. In a couple of days, his other lung collapsed too. He's been on the ventilator for a few days now, and his lungs aren't cooperating well at all. The doctors are planning to do a tracheotomy on him (put a tube through his throat so he can breathe), and put a food tube too. This procedure is likely to happen on Monday or Tuesday.

I am taking the red eye out to the east coast tonight to spend some time with my aunt, and to visit my uncle. They have a daughter, who is in college. She is supposed to graduate next month, and right now, is torn between her thesis and final college stuff, and having to attend to her dad in the hospital. I'm just going there to be with them, in case anyone needs any help, and to give them company, if anyone needs to vent or a shoulder to cry on. 

I may not have a lot of internet time while I am there, but I will try and keep up with all of you. If I am not able to comment, please forgive me. And please send up some thoughts and prayers for my uncle so he can come through this new challenge in his life. 

I will update you all when I return - perhaps later in the week.