Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Where am I?

First of all, I am very sorry for being a terrible blogger, and a worse commenter! I keep thinking of topics to write on my blog, and I keep thinking how much my blogosphere peeps must be missing me (though I’m sure I’m not missed half as much as I would like to believe I am!)

So where have I been? In a variety of different places actually. This post is just a list of updates on various parts of my life in the last few months.

Where am I in life?
In life, in general, I’ve been in a good place. I’m at peace with myself and with what has been and will be. I give huge credit to my hypnotherapy session and tape for helping me come to this calm place in my life. For the most time, I’m at ease with myself and I’ve been a lot calmer recently than I have been for years.

That is FOR THE MOST PART. And then there are sudden incidents, or parts of conversations, or reminders that come up, and bring everything back to the surface again. A commercial or show on TV will bring a sudden lump to the throat. I’ll go to a blog, and read something that will touch my heart. Lastchance posted a video on her blog, and it made me cry. It was the story of my life, only cuter. She and her DH are so adorable! My DH and I would a) never look so cute, and b) never have thought of documenting our IVF journey so well! No regrets wrote about the “Losses of IF” and reading that made everything come back again. But I realize that’s how life is going to be. I think I’m going to be able to move on, by and large, and once in a while, I will HAVE to revisit everything, acknowledge the deep gashes that IF has left on my soul and on my life, and accept that even with the gashes and the scars and wounds, I still have the strength to walk on. I have to have the strength to move on.

Where am I with TTC?
Nowhere, really. Our frozen embryos will remain frozen for now. I know I don’t have it in me to do an FET just yet. Maybe I will at some point. Or maybe we will try having my cousin be a gestational carrier for us (she had offered last year, but I am not counting my eggs before they are hatched (literally!!) )

Where am I on the adoption process?
We’re doing pretty well on adoption actually. We selected the agency we are going with – and we chose the agency that called us about that potential birthmother back in October. We thought they stood out amongst the other agencies because they reached out to us when they had no obligation to. They were very responsive and supportive through our scurried attempts are putting our booklet together, and have been very proactive throughout. So we chose them and began our home study. And we’ve been happy with our decision so far. No regrets.

As of right now, our home study is almost complete. The social worker came home twice. One visit was for him to see the house, and to talk to both of us at the same time. The second visit was for our individual meetings with him. Our finger printing, medical certificates etc have all been done a while ago. We are now ready to pay up for the outreach part and get started! So very soon, it could be any time that we may get matched!

Where am I with my job?
Some of you may remember the crazy stories about my manager. If not, here you go, and here you go again! There have been more stories, including one that made me seethe in anger. But that makes for another post, and I will post about that incident soon. So I decided to find myself another job, and leave as soon as I could.

I also decided that I was no longer going to put my life and career on back burner because “this could be the month”! 2010 is going to be the year where I take control of SOME of the things in my life.

I interviewed at a couple of places, and got offers that I could choose from. I quit my job last week, am taking 2 weeks off, and starting at my new job on 1/25!

So all in all, 2010 so far has been good to us. It’s only been 12 days, so I hope I don’t speak too soon! But I’m determined to live my life the best I can, while I wait for things to fall in place. Because I believe it will happen. Some day, somehow, it will happen.


Anonymous said...

You go girl - good for you for leaving that job - and congrats on the new one!! The adoption process sounds like it has really moved ahead - that is great.

I think of you often - and am looking forward to your journey.

lastchanceivf said...

Hooray for a new job and a great start to 2010! And thanks for the shout out for the video, but really, we aren't cute, just ridiculously goofy. And I promise I usually don't reside in sweatshirts! Sheesh.

I'm glad so many things are moving in new directions for you Nikki!

Caroline said...

Nikki - It is so great to hear from you. You sound like you are in a good place.

I am so glad that you have a new job, and I hope that it is enjoyable and rewarding.

Your journey towards adoption sounds like it is coming along well too. I can't wait for you to get your wonderful outcome after all you have been through.

Lorraine said...

It's so good to read such an optimistic post! I'm thrilled that you are getting away from that job and that you got your pick of better options - that is really a coup these days!

It seems like you really are moving forward - that must feel great. And, by the way, this blogosphere peep does miss you!

Nichole said...

I am SO glad you are back! You were definitely missed!

Awesome news on the home study and even better news on the job! Congrats!

Anonymous said...

Missed you..and checked on you every day..you rock my phenomenal woman!

Heavy heart

Misty Dawn said...

It was so nice to hear from you Nikki. I hate when so much time goes by it makes me worry. Congrats on the new job and I truly hope that you are able to take control of a few things in your life after being stripped of your dreams. Thank you for sharing that video from last chance it really hit home. Sending my love through blogger world one IF to another (((HUGS))). I truly hope that you can find closure that we all desperately seek.

Sue said...

It is so great to hear and update from you...and it is a good one! I'm so happy you changed jobs and will be starting something new and exciting this year...and it sounds like you are well on your way with adoption (which is AMAZING).

Rash said...

Congrats on Newjob and Homestudy.Wishing you a Great 2010.

Melissa G said...

"Even with the gashes and the scars and wounds, I still have the strength to walk on." JEEZ you are a fantastic writer. Way to make me cry at work!

Nikki, I'm so glad that the tapes are working so well for you. You and DH have been trhough so much, you really deserve to be happy. And I have a feeling as well that 2010 will finally be a turning point for you both.

Hope we can get together soon for lunch!


Miss Tori said...

I'm glad everything is going so well for you. Congrats on the new job!

We have to do what we have to do to not only survive, but enjoy the life we have. It may take a while to do it, but eventually we have to get there for our own peace of mind, and sanity!

Meg. said...

Nikki! I was so happy to see your update. =)

When I read the line, "it could be any time that we may get matched!" I got total goosebumps! I'm so proud of your and DH for soldiering on.

And I'm ECSTATIC that you've left that life-sucking job! I can't wait until we get together again so we can hear all about your new position.

I agree, both Mrs. LC's and B's posts really hit home for me. IF is such a complex monster. Ugh.

So glad you're in a *good* place!

Jill M. said...

Of course we missed you! Soooo good to hear you in good spirits. You are such a strong woman! Very exciting news about the adoption, I can't wait to read all about your little new addition which is hopefully happening in 2010. Good for you on the job front too! Big hugs!

Sarang said...

Nikki, thank you so much for sharing this. I, too, think the scars of infertility will run deep, even once parenthood is finally achieved. But, I also think it will get easier and easier (I hope).

Congrats on being in the final stages of your home study process & your new job! I love that you don't have to put up with that horrible manager anymore!!

Hope you enjoy your time off between jobs and get some fun R&R in. And thank you for the reminder to keep trying to live life the best we can. It's something I need to remind myself of...every day.

ps - I STILL need to contact your hypnotherapist (now more than ever, lol)

banditgirl said...

You rock my world, Nikki! You are a true inspiration! I love you so much!

Rambler said...

Wow, that's great about the job! I remember some of the stupid things that were said to you. Ugh, good place to leave (and hello, 2 weeks off in btween? Sweet!).

I loved your line about having the strength to walk on. Even when the scars are still not healed, even when the gashes hurt. You're beautiful. Really.

Lisa said...

I beleive it too Nikki! It WILL happen. And I'm so glad to hear that you are still considering asking your cousin to be your carrier! And so glad you are moving forward with the adoption process and almost 'waiting' to be match. 2010 is your year. It HAS to be.

I'm wishing you all the happiness you deserve and more this year.

I think of you all the time and will only stop once I know you have your happy ending.

Linda said...

What a great attitude to start off the year and the rest of your life! You are a strong woman, Nikki. Good luck with the adoption process and whatever/whenever you decide about your frozen embies, you have all my good wishes and thoughts. And congratulations on your new job!

Lost in Space said...

Wow, Nikki, great post. Sorry for stirring things a bit with all my loss talk. I suspect these things will always be with us on some level. Grief is so not linear and likes to creep in when we least expect it.

It really sounds like you are doing well and making so many positive changes. Wishing for all good things for you in 2010.

Jessica said...

I came across your blog and I just wanted to say good luck in whichever path chooses you.
I am also a woman who suffered from infertility for the past eight years. I was lucky to have my son who is 1 and a half years old now through IVF with PGD.
I am now preparing to cycle next month to make new embies for PGD. This time we will use a gestational carrier.
You can check out my blog on blogger.
Good Luck and God Bless!