Friday, November 28, 2008

One year to the day

My dearest baby Aditi,

My precious baby, my little miracle – you stayed with us only for a few weeks, but what a difference to made to our lives!!

Last year today we found out that you had left to go be with God. Your Dad and I did not want to believe or accept what the doctor was telling us. I often wondered in the days and weeks later, what I had done wrong, and if there was anything I could do to change the news we received on Nov 28, 2007.

I am sorry that my body was not more ready and comfortable for you, my child. I am sorry if I could have done something differently but didn’t. I would do anything – anything at all if I could change the outcome! I would readily give my life if I could save yours.

At the same time, I am honored that you did come into our lives. You made us Mommy and Daddy, even though we were never able to meet. We were about to give up, when you came into our lives. I can never describe to you the hope you brought for us. I can never describe to you the emotions that Daddy and Mommy felt.

Our arms are still empty, precious baby, but our hearts are full. The house is empty and silent, but if I close my eyes I can see you. Daddy tells me he too feels your presence and that you’ve been helping encourage him with his work project.

Seeing your presence in our lives has given us the courage and strength to go on and try again. We have met with some more challenges, but we know that you and your siblings are sending us the strength we need. I promise you my child - Mommy and Daddy will not let you down. We will not get weak and give up.

I love you forever,
Your Mom.


Nov 28, 2007

We went in for a regular u/s appointment. This was supposed to be our last appointment with the RE, and he was releasing me to a perinatologist after that.

No heartbeat.

D&C scheduled for Nov 30.

Texted my manager about what happened.

Couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t imagine.

Decided to leave everything and go away to Los Angeles for a day and come back for D&C.

After driving in silence for 2 hours on Highway 5, we started feeling like we had been thrown in the middle of an ocean – trying to swim to the shore, but the shore was nowhere in sight. 

Running out of steam. 

Feeling like the wheels were turning but we were getting nowhere. 

Big rigs passing by on the freeway, and us feeling tiny and miserable and helpless and confused.

Then the realization that no matter how much we run, or drive, we will not be able to change what has happened. We turned around and drove back home.

I never imagined that I would last a day after hearing that news, yet here I am, one whole year later, 2 more losses later, still with the nerve to try again.


17 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh Nikki,

This was such a heartwarming and heartwrenching post. It breaks my heart for what you have been through, and I have so much admiration for the strength and courage you show as you continue on in this journey.

I will say a prayer for your angel baby today, and pray that you are soon blessed with a miracle -- so those arms won't be empty any longer.

I'm thinking about you today.

And thank you SOOOO much for all your support. I can hardly beleive that I finally finally got my miracle after all these years. Thank you for being there for me. I can't say how much it has meant.

Dora said...

So sorry. Wish I had words to make it better. xoxo

the Babychaser: said...

My heart goes out to you, and to the hudreds of others out there who celebrate their own "anniversaries," year after year, with nothing to show for it but heartache.

May your heart one day be filled, your home ringing with the raucous sounds of children.

Kymberli said...

How heartbreakingly beautiful.

You know I'm here and I have your back as you continue forward.

I have something for you on my blog.

(((HUGS)))

notesforanewday said...

Nikki,
Your story is heartbreaking, but I think it's lovely for you to pay tribute to your lost soul. For Dia del los Muertos this year, I prepared a candle in honor of the baby I lost on April 28, 2008. (That date is burned into my memory just like yours is.) Then I found an altar at the park where the procession ends that was dedicated to babies and I left the candle there. It was my way of honoring and remembering my lost soul. I think each of us needs to do that in order to grieve and move on.

A friend of mine sent this to me after my miscarriage and it really helped me. Maybe you've already read it, but here's the link: http://www.peggyorenstein.com/articles/2002_mourning_miscarriage.html. You writing this letter reminded me of it.

My thoughts are with you on this very difficult day.
-sharon

Lisa said...

((HUGS))

margelina said...

What a beautiful and bittersweet tribute. So, so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

Linda said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am hoping and praying for you, that you get your miracle baby soon! *hugs*

mylifechronicles said...

This is such a touching post...
I can't even imagine that heartbreak that you are going through. You are in my thoughts! ((HUGS))

Lauren said...

Nikki, that was so sad and beautiful at the same time. Your strength inspires me. What a fighter you are!

Lauren

B said...

Thinking of you as you remember this aniversary.

Thanks for your comment

Barb

emptyhug said...

you are in my thoughts today..

April said...

:( nikki, thank you so much for sharing this.

great big hugs
xoxo

Shelby said...

Nikki, this is such a lovely letter that echoes so much of what is in my heart. I am sure many others can say the same. I am hoping strength for you as you remember your angel. Like you, I am so glad I got the opportunity to have my little one in my life for such a short time, but my heart is heavier now. I am thinking of you during this time.

Jackie. said...

Hi Nikki,

I read your post, and I am not sure what to say. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.

Jackie

heavenlytini said...

you are such a strong person to me i dont know how you cope with it and still be able to talk about it knowing me id cry everytime i even thought about it let alone talked about it. your tribute was beautiful keep being strong great things are destined for you and your family i believe it!!!

Anonymous said...

Dearest Nikki, im so sorry for your loss, this is very hard to get over. You have inspired me to see the world of IF with my eyes closed. For when i close my eyes, i am able to feel everything in our my body and see the world with a filter on pain and distraction from the samest of things to the largest. Maybe one day Aditi will open the gates of heaven for you and put in a good word for you with God. That is truly what i believe. Wishing you the best, Nora (webmd board)