Saturday, May 30, 2009

Only in my life do these things happen!

These things happen only in my life! DH and I have been through the wringer for 8 years with IF. Of late we started talking about exploring options with adoption more seriously, and we were finally beginning to be able to put our arms around the idea of proceeding with adoption. We decided to go attend an informational session on adoption organized by a local support group, and guess what? Just as the meeting started, there was a fire in the building, and we had to evacuate!

There was total drama – with firemen, and smoke and ladders and everything! Here are a few pictures that DH took with his phone:

But even a burning building was not going to stop a group of determined IFers to get the information they wanted. Our group crowded around the moderator on the sidewalk, and asked her to continue talking! (If IF teaches you something, it is resilience! Nothing can deter us much any more.) It wasn’t the best place to be holding an adoption seminar, but there we were, all trying to ask questions, and listen to what the moderator was saying over the noise on the street!

We finally ended up walking over to the across the street and sitting on the floor in one of their lesser used hallways to continue our session!

The session was very very useful. But at the same time, very emotional. Each time the moderator said “First you have to deal with the grief of your infertility”, I had to wipe tears from my eyes. For the most part of the session I had a lump in my throat that made it hard for me to ask the questions I wanted to.

The moderator herself is an adoptive mom, twice over, and has dealt with her share of IF before they adopted. She told us a lot of important things about the process, logistics, and emotions of adopting. DH and I have come back with a ton of information, and a list of things to research on, and make decisions about. She helped dispel some myths and misconceptions that we had about the costs and the process of adoption, and she brought in a lot of clarity for us.

We are still not sure if we are jumping into the application and home study process immediately. But we are beginning to think along those lines, and are beginning to agree to find out more. This itself is a huge step forward in the process for us.

Adoption is a beautiful thing, obviously, but today, for me, it is a very emotional piece to process. It’s the realization of acceptance, the apparent finality of giving up TTC. Yes, we still have the FET and the 4 embryos, but who are we kidding here? What hasn’t happened so far is very highly unlikely to suddenly turn around and happen now. I’m at the point where I’ve begun to accept the fact that I may never have a pregnant belly.

I’ve finally broken my addiction to hope, and it has been rough.


Phoebe said...

Dealing with the grief of infertility is huge! Huge, huge, huge. I dealt with grief going into my last FET, and even though it didn't work out, I worked through a lot of issues from my failed pregnancy. I came out the other side, and something had shifted, in a good way. Hope is difficult too, but I wonder if the grief is keeping you from moving forward with the FET? I know one woman who was having problems with her lining. She had a failed DE cycle and a failed DE FET. Finally, they tried an experimental treatment on her and she was doing estrogen shots. She got pregnant on her final FET. She had pretty much given up hope by then. She recently delivered a baby girl. I hope this story helps.

Jill M. said...

I'm sorry for the struggles you are going through. I can only imagine how frustrating it is to have 4 embryos available for transfer but then a lining that won't cooperate.

Moving forward with adoption is a huge decision that requires a period of grief and acceptance of giving up on your own pg before you can get to the other side of adoption where you are in process, excited, hopeful and anxious.

Keep us updated with your journey and what you find out about adoption. Many of us are also faced with the possibility that adoption may need to be the next step. So it is very interesting to many of your audience.

I hope everything works out for you!

What IF? said...

Unbelievable about the fire and evacuation! Amazing that the meeting continued regardless and that you've started exploring adoption. That is a gigantic leap in and of itself. Give yourself time to grieve, and be gentle with yourself. You WILL be a mom... and there's hope needed for that thought.

DAVs said...

Boy you guys are a resilient bunch! But we already knew that, right?
I wish any of this were easy, but it's just not, plain and simple. Honestly, there are day whens I still wake up and go: 'seriously? I'm infertile? Four years of this and not even a single second pink line?" and then shake my head. But we're starting to move forward again too, and exploring other options, and honestly, it feels good. Good to be doing something.

I only wish all of us peace. Big hugs for you.

Anonymous said...

nikki, that is totally crazy that there was a fire in the building! i wonder if the universe is trying to send a message? whatever you decide to do you need to be totally comfortable with the decision. it's been such a long road for you, but you are so strong and continue to be an inspiration to me :)


Anonymous said...

Wow. I (foolishly) attended an adoption seminar 1 week after my 2nd missed miscarriage of 2008. I too started crying (and couldn't stop) when the speaker told us that there is always one kind of loss or another with adoption (i.e. the kids have lost their birth parents, infertiles are giving up the birth child path, etc.).

Not sure if you learned this too (I can tell by the fire engines that you are not *that* far from where we are), but the seminar confirmed my suspicions that adoption is not the easy, quick fix that fertiles think it is when they suggest it.

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,

I am here for you as you consider your options. Your determination, intelligence and strength will make you a wonderful mother, whether your children come to you through your FET or through adoption.

bunny said...

What a crazy day! Lots of emotion, firetrucks...

I hope that as you continue to explore adoption that your hope builds again in this way to build a family. I am sure it takes time to heal, so take good care of yourself through the process...

Rambler said...

Drama queen in the house! A real fire too? I'm glad everyone was able to evacuate safely and the coordinator was able to continue the session. I guess one thing you can take away from that afternoon is that you are not alone and there are other couples also exploring adoption and facing similiar painful emotions.

Backing away from that "addiction" of the hope and dreams you've held for the last 8 years is a tremendous step. I wish you and your DH peace and a different hope as you investigate your additional options.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nikki,
I'm glad you were able to get lots of info on adoption among all the confusion of the fire!
As an adoptive mom myself I just want to say that I'm here for you if you have any questions about the process.
Looking at my DD now I couldn't imagine not having her. While I wouldn't want to go through all the pain and heartbreak that 5 years of IVF bring and all the m/cs, had we not gone through all that we wouldn't have our little girl! Everything happens for a reason!
Once we realized that we wanted to be parents more than we wanted to be pregnant, it felt like it was meant to be.
Take your time to decide and if adoption is right for you, it will happen!
Ours was so fast, I contacted our agency in August 2006, did our homestudy and were on a wait list for a month then as soon as we went into the pool of "active" families, the first birth mom to view our profile, picked us. In January 2007 we were matched and in April 2007 our DD was born. It was very emotional but once we met our birth parents, it was like we had known them our whole life!

Tanya said...

I understand you pain and you have been through so much...I hope whichever path you continue down will bring you to your baby... All the best! xxx

Tennille said...

I know from personal experience that adoption is a process and it took me a really long time to be ready for it. Once we made the decision to move in that direction, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. For the first time in years I was able to live without regard to cycle days, diet, vitamins, etc.

As far as adoptions go, ours was really easy, but they are never as easy as fertiles may think when offering it as the easy answer. I will be glad to help however I can, so please feel free to ask questions. I couldn't love Alexa any more if I had given birth to her, but I had to go through all of the pain of IF to be willing to open my heart to adoption.

Big (((hugs)))

Chhandita said...

I understand how u feel. my eldest sister went thru the whole gamut of treatment before adopting my niece (one reason why i didnt want to walk the IVF path, didnt think i cud cope with the heartache)...anyways, the day she brought renee home an the baby clung to her she said "She is mine"...It was the most wonderful expression i had ever4 seen on anyone's face... IF hurts, but adoption does heal...

Birdee said...

Just wanted to send you a cyber (((hug))).
Beautiful post.

Clio said...

hugs and more hugs!
sorry to hear you broke your addiction to hope. I never thought of it that way... but I guess it does make sense. That's how I felt recently too. We had also started considering the adoption route, but then I found the courage to do a second IVF, which is what we had decided to do this year. There's sure a lot we have to deal with emotionally ourselves before moving on to adoption anyway, so taking a look at that is a way to prepare.
You do still have the frozen embies... you may have to face that at some point and decide what to do. Start considering adoption can actually be a way for you to feel secure, that motherhood can yes be in your future, even if the FET fails. Isn't that a little hope? just applied now to a different direction? which may be very healthy.
by the way, great phone photos!

Anonymous said...

Dear Nikki,
Hi, I bummped into your blog by accident, and haven't had a chance to read all of it, but I just wanted to wish you good luck for the future. I am convinced, that at the end of your jurney, at the end of this dark tunnel, there is a bright & light sunshine waiting for you. Hopefully very very soon. You deserve it, we all do.

Sarang said...

I am waiting and praying (like your "Aunties"!) and hoping for your it through FET or adoption.

You will make such a wonderful Mom. I can't wait for that day.

Much love.

banditgirl said...

I would love to hear more about how this workshop affected you in terms of your feelings re: adoption. I found the workshop I went to a while ago incredibly inspiring and moving. I know if eventually the bio-child project doesn't work out, we will come to terms with that and move on. But I also know it will be not an easy road to walk.

Anonymous said...

First, big, big hugs. I cannot believe the fire situation - that is crazy.

I am here for you no matter what you decide - and I will hope for you no matter what path you choose.

Jon said...

Have you thought of trying overseas surrogacy? Specifically in India. It's legal and very affordable. Plus now there are clinics where you can DHL your embryos for implantation into a surrogate.
email me if you'd like more details...
Good luck

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