Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Real life meetings

I feel like a recovering drug addict. In a way I am exactly that, right? I was addicted to hope. I was on major drugs, shooting myself up in the most shameless manner, in some absolutely crazy places, like public restrooms and gas stations!

And now, I’m having withdrawal symptoms. Not the usual kinds though. I’m not dying to go back on the drugs. I’m not dying to put my brain back into the fog it has just broken free of. Quite the contrary. In fact, I wonder if I even want to proceed with this FET at all any more.

It feels like I have wanted a child, and been denied that for so long, that now I don’t want it any more. It’s like scar tissue in my heart, you know? From the hope that existed there, that has been dashed so often and so badly.

It’s been one month since I started my job. It’s been 2 months since I called off my FET. The last two months have felt nice. I’ve enjoyed my wine (OK, not just wine – I’ve enjoyed my cocktails as well ☺ ), I’m enjoying fitting into my regular clothes and not feeling like a bloated, water soaked pin cushion! I feel almost brazen confiding that I have not even taken my pre-natals or folic acid for 2 months. I just don’t feel like taking them any more.

DH and I are enjoying leading a normal life, and not being on a drug / patch / injection / suppository / appointment / blood draw schedule for the time being. I’m enjoying laughing again. I mean, not that I wasn’t laughing before, but I was certainly down in the dumps more often than I was laughing.

I met a couple of my IF sisters last weekend. Sarang (her blogosphere name) is part of a local IF sisterhood that came together a few months ago. She is dealing from a recent failed IVF cycle, and I am so proud of her for dealing so well. Meeting her on Saturday for breakfast brought out so many emotions that I had shut away for the last 2 months. She was asking me about my next steps and it suddenly made me realize how far I had mentally distanced myself from the thought of starting to prep my uterus lining for FET. It’s like I had this wax coating on my emotions.

So while I on one hand I’m enjoying being drug free, on the other hand, I know I need to get moving on with FET / adoption research, or whatever else it is that I need to do. The age time bomb is ticking away! Sarang gave me some ideas about adoption that I am going to research on. I am also planning to attend a session on adoptions, which a local support group is holding soon. Sarang, thank you for being there, and helping me sort out my lost and numbed emotions recently. Thanks for reaching out and doing all that you’re doing!

On Saturday evening I met Darya! It was so nice meeting her! She was in San Francisco for a conference, and I went up there and met her for a drink. It was really nice to hug her in real life – after having sent her many many hugs over the internet over the last year or so that I’ve “known” her. And it was so easy talking to her in real life! Like we’d known each other forever! 

I put up a picture on FB, and someone commented “Are you sure you’re not sisters?” I commented back “In some ways, we are sisters”

Darya – I wish you many many more conferences in San Francisco! I will come and meet you for a drink after EVERY conference that you attend here – how about that? Thanks for all the support you’ve given me over the last year – it was so nice to meet you!!

ALSO: In case anyone is interested, a friend of a friend has some meds to give away. (I will delete this part of this post in a few days) So if you or anyone you know is interested, and needs the meds, leave me a comment with your email address, and I will send it ahead to my friend. Here are the details:

Full cycle of menupur (Bravelle brand) that will expire 7/2009.
If you know anyone who can use it and their insurance does not pay for it, I am happy to let them have it.
They cost about $2K without insurance.


Phoebe said...

I've been through this phase too, but I always go back to wanting to try again.

Sarang said...


I love 'real life meetings' with you, too. I always walk away from my conversations with you thinking how wise you are. You are, I think, one of the most knowledgeable people I know about treatment. Not because you've been on this journey for a while, but because you take the time to really know it all, to really understand. I've always thought you would make a great support group leader. You have a lot to give.

And with all that you give, my hope for you is that it comes back to you tenfold.

I know you are a big believer in feelings and my feeling says you, and your wonderful DH, will be loving parents one day.

Thank you for being a light in my life.


ps - thanks for posting about the meds! hopefully we find someone who can use them before they expire in July

Polly Gamwich said...

I know someone local doing donor without insurance- I'll email and ask if clinic is using menopur!

I'm glad to see you've recaptured your life back recently ... I have always struggled with that in this journey.

Chhandita said...

Hope to meet you in real life someday when you are visiting Hyderabad!!! Please let me know if you need info about adoption in India...

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,

I can understand why you have needed time away from the FET issue. It has been such an emotional rollercoaster for you. I am pleased that you are slowly starting to move forwards towards pursuing your dream of children through the FET or adoption.
I am also thrilled that you met some fellow IF frinds. I loved the picture of you and Darya! I wish I could have been there (in fact DH is heading to your part of the US in the coming weeks and I am so jealous...I would love to go along with him and meet you!).
Hugs to you. x

Anonymous said...

I am glad that you are feeling joy again and I will be here to support you no matter what you choose.

I am so glad you got to meet some sisters!! That is very cool.


Sue said...

Very sweet of you with the meds! I know exactly how you feel with taking the time off. After the first month post ER I was still a little fuzzy and out of sorts. Then the second month, some nice coctails, going out with friends, laughing again, having light fun conversations (and sex) with DH, sharing a bottle of wine, I almost got to the point of pushing off this FET. But I made myself do it (mainly b/c we want more than one child and still have hope that if this works, we can do it again in future). So I am back to the meds and stress and all that stuff. At least I know that we will do okay if we end up without kids...I will get over it. I've also learned that without the meds I am still a pretty fun person:-)

Misty Dawn said...

Hey Nikki!

I'm so happy to finally hear from you. I've been worried about you, but I'm glad that you've been able to distance yourself from this IF world. Don't feel bad for not taking your prenatals and folic acid, I'd do the same thing. Every pink pill I take reminds me of how I'm not KU and how fast my hair is growing b/c of my prenatals. I hate having to get my hair done every 6wks, ugh, LOL

How very nice that you've been able to meet up with fellow bloggers! Hope your job is going well.

Super Duper (((((HUGS))))

I Believe in Miracles said...

It's so much fun to meet blogger buddies in person! Sounds like a great time.


DAVs said...

Hooray for getting your life back in a sense. It's so important to have breaks, regardless of what you decide to do next.
Thinking of you!

Kristin said...

Aw Nikki, we all know how you feel. We do kind of get callused. Even as I am 'shooting up' (haha) every night sometimes I wonder if this is what I REALLY want. I hope that you can get some peace to do whatever you decide.

Are the meds Menopur or Bravelle? I may be interested but I'll have to see if this cycle works first! My e-mail is Thanks!

Anonymous said...

oh nikki, i'm glad that you are feeling more like yourself. there's just something that IF does to you, you know? i really liked your description of wax feelings. i felt like that a lot. the down time between cycles was always good for me...i didn't have to obsess over things, didn't have to freak out...

glad you got to meet some people IRL. that's always fun!

Blossom and Her Fruit said...

Hi Nikki! Glad you are taking some distance. A little breather of sorts. I've met Darya too. She's lovely, isn't she. :D

Jill M. said...

I can relate to shooting up in strange places, I just shot up at Todd's pharmacy today.

Glad to hear you've had a good break! We all need it or we'd go insane. Whatever your next path is, I wish you the best!

banditgirl said...

Nikki, thanks for sharing. I concur with Sarang that you are an incredibly well-informed, knowledgable, wise person who has many, many times brought clarity to my confused, pained self. But you did it not just through sharing your knowledge, but also through providing the most gentle, loving, sensitive support I've ever experienced. Thinking of you lots and sending you love.

Sarang said...

So good to see you, Nikki (Nih Kee :)

Meds update: so there are 12 boxes of Bravelle (contain 5 powder vials, 75 IU each & saline mixing diluant). Shelby's blogger bud put in first request, so will see how many she needs first.

We should ship soon to someone who is about to cycle since expire in July.

Will keep you posted.

Rambler said...

Hi Nikki,

I'm happy to hear you are enjoying small things again. I too have been off the folic acid and pre-natals (for quite some time actually). And this cycle I even said "screw it" and took Advil for my appendix pain. :)

"I am laughing again"...such a powerful line.

p.s...i live in MI, one of the more job depressed states in the whole US. It feels like you can't even get a job at Target or the grocery store!!

Darya said...

I LOVED meeting you Nikki!! I didn't feel like it was our first meeting at all. Everything felt normal and as if we had known each other for years! I hope to see you again soon. XXOO