Sunday, May 3, 2009

Left behind

It’s happening again. In the 8 years that DH and I have been TTC, we’ve been “left behind” so many times. I used to lurk on some message boards, way back in 2002-2003 etc. I never posted, but I did find myself following the stories and posts of some of the women on the board. One by one they all got pregnant, or adopted and moved on. I got left behind.

Then I started posting on the boards and made some friends. One by one most of them got pregnant, or adopted and moved on. I stopped posting on the boards because I just ended up feeling like a bitter, unsuccessful oldie, still there, still trying. I was left behind again.

Then I started blogging – and now I’m noticing the same thing. One by one, so many of the blogs I read have gone from being IF blogs to becoming pregnancy blogs to parenting blogs.

I’m left behind again. Yes, there are some people from each group that are also still here with me, and I can feel their pain. It feels terrible to be left standing in one place when the world is rushing past you. How infertile am I, that even the IF community is getting pregnant before me?

And I’m not even talking about my IRL friends any more. I don’t even expect to have a child that will be older than any of my IRL friends’ kids. On the other hand, if I do have a child, I expect to be that pitiable older mom with a young child, feeling totally out of synch and out of sorts!

I don’t grudge anyone her success or happiness. Not at all. In fact, I’m happy for my IF sisters when they get to the other side of this roller coaster. I know many have been to hell and back on the infertility journey, and I’m so glad and relieved for them when they reach their goals and get the BFP or get matched with a baby they are adopting.

But I’m tired of being left behind all the time. I’m tired of being tired of treatment. I’m tired of enduring. Out of stamina. Spent. Ready to give up.

It doesn’t help that pregnancies and pregnancy announcements are everywhere! Everywhere you look, you’ll get blindsided! DH is not spared either. The other day, he was out in the park with Simba, and he met one of our neighbors. She usually brings her toddler out for a walk around the time that DH takes Simba out. They hadn’t run into each other in a while recently. She met DH, hugged him and he asked her how things were, and where she had been. She unzipped her jacket, revealed a very pregnant bump, and said “I’ve been busy – I’m due in 10 weeks”. DH didn’t have a response for her. He came home and told me how blindsided he felt at her news. All I could think of was “Thank goodness it wasn’t me outside in the park getting to see that pregnant belly”

There is a commercial complex being constructed in a nearby downtown. I remember seeing the signs “Ready in June 2009!!”. This was early 2008 or maybe late 2007. I remember thinking “June 2009 – that’s far away. We’ll definitely be pregnant or have a baby by then!” I crossed past that construction site yesterday. There are huge buildings, almost ready for business. And then it struck me. June 2009!! It’s almost here! And me? Left behind again. Not pregnant, don’t have a baby, and in a worse mental situation that I was one year ago. Buildings have been made, and I haven’t been able to make a baby! Shame on me!

No sign of AF. No idea when she’ll show. On top of that I’ve had the worst possible cold and sore throat for the last couple of days. No fever, else I’d be sure I got the swine flu, and given my luck, I wouldn’t be surprised either! I’m sneezing and coughing and every pore of my body feels like it’s blocked and “woolly”.

And no, being all clogged up does NOT help my not so sunny disposition much! ☹

25 comments:

Mo and Will said...

Oh Nikki. I hear you I hear you I hear you. Feeling the exact same way over here. Wish we could be in a different club together, truly.

Mo

Anonymous said...

silly sweet heart.we are waiting for you..I promise we will adopt only after 2010.

Just as I said, I do not let IF affect me anymore.. Maybe something about being around doctors for 3 years has made me think about life in a less emotional way..

Specially when you see so many people suffering around you, you cannot afford to feel bad about yourself.

Somehow a sense of gratitude sets in and I have started looking at all the nice things in life..

Love you..

Go for it Que sera sera.. what ever will be will..

Manu Nisha are waiting just like simba..

Jill M. said...

Many of us completely understand, we too have been left behind on many many occasions. But some day, we too will leave someone behind. I know we will, because we're strong determined women who don't take no for an anwswer. Hang in there hun!

meinsideout said...

I am so sorry. Giant ((HUGS)). I have not been trying for as long as you and I cannot imagine the anguish you feel. I already am starting to be worn down by my four pregnant coworkers (one is almost 40 and a total bitch) and my pregnant sister and stepsister. It hurts but I cannot pretend to know the depths of your pain - just know that I support you.

DAVs said...

Oh Nikki, I feel for you so much too. You know I am right there with you...I used to be scared of my own blog roll some days. It really is tough to be where we are...and I know you're sick of hearing it but I can't help but have hope for your blasts. Big hugs.

Anonymous said...

Sweetie,

I have been in your shoes for a super long time and know how your feeling! Don't loose the faith, I know it is so hard. I wish I could take your pain away!

Hugs,
Tori

rash said...

I am with you on this one ,did my ivf in june08 and will be round 2 in june this yr ,my two childhood friends are due in june july ,i keep wondering when my time will be

prayers and hugs your way ,sunny days will be here soon :)

Anonymous said...

I hear you sister. I've been ttc since 04 and reading IF blogs since 06. It's gotten to the point where most of the bloggers (that go on and on about how rough it is) have only been trying since 07 or 06 at the earliest. And then they go and get BFPs on their 1st or 2nd IVF. Me, still left behind. Yeah, and I'm 40.

Sarang said...

I am here with you. I am tightly holding your hand. Not letting go.

We will continue to meet up with others who know, who understand, who can help in this very moment.

There will always be others on this journey to lean on for support, and, in turn, offer support to. We are not just an IRL IF sisterhood of 9 women. We are a world of IF sisterhood and can find each other online and in support groups.

If you are feeling better, I am hoping you can come with me to Open Path on Tuesday night. And if not then, then hopefully next week we can see each other.

You and I have a lot of support to give. You and I can also continue to seek out and find support. You are not, and will never be, alone.

We are not left behind. We are moving ahead.

And parenthood will happen for us. One way or another.

Chhandita said...

Argh N! It sucks so much. just reading it, I can only imagine how you must feel. I went thru just a couple of years of IF and the feeling of being left behind was really painful. I dont know what to say that will make you feel better...Maybe some of us are on the other side of the rollercoaster, but we still KNOW that rollercoaster, and we are hanging in with you...

Anonymous said...

Nikki..you know the 'gold at 10 feet' story right..am hoping good news is just around the corner for you..here's sending you all the good vibes in the world..

Take care sister..

lv
Heavyheart

Caroline said...

Hi sweetie - I'm so sorry that you feel left behind. It is a horrible, depressing feeling.

I have felt a million years away from having a baby - it just doesn't ever seem to be a possibility for me.

Hugs to you my beautiful friend.
xx

Sue said...

I know exactly how you feel. Though strangely, I've felt like LOTS of us are really being left behind...the preganncies in my part of the blogland have slowed down, which I realized is even worse! But it still hurts that we don't have children yet. I am making a mad-dash to this FET because I so desperately don't want to be hopeless again on my EDD for my last m/c. So, I get it. We set these weird little unintentional goals for ourselves and it hurts when we miss them again and again. Hugs.

Birdee said...

~hugs~

Kristin said...

Nikki, I feel EXACTLY the same way as you. It completely sucks! Our turn will come. In one way or another!!

banditgirl said...

Nikki, I am sending you a really big, warm hug. And I am thinking of you. Lots of lots of love and gentle kindness.

strongblonde said...

:( i really wish i could give you a hug.

momsoon said...

I feel exactly the same-when I started this blog I felt such support and lately almost all of the blogs I follow have become pregnant and it is now another source of pain, even though I do truly want all of us to 'graduate'...
All i can tell you Nikki is you are not alone.
I can only hope that we are as lucky some day as the rest and do so with grace and sensitivity...peacexoxoxoxoxoxox

Clio said...

Nikki, I have a somewhat similar feeling. But I'm still here. although not blogging much, and not catching up as often. I'm really trying to concentrate on other parts of my life for now. I need to restablish some balance, find my strenght back. I've been trying for almost as long as you, and it does feel like life passes us by. And more and more it seems that babies are just popping out of everyone's tummies these days. Sometimes I get annoyed, sometimes sad, sometimes I'm able to be happy for them. Part of me is toying with the idea of being child-free, part of me still really wants a child... And another Summer is just around the corner.

Sky said...

I'm in a perpetual state of left behind-ness (been complaining about it, in fact :(

Nikki, on a side note, my blog is going undercover :) (just making it private)

Please send me an email to skygarrett@yahoo.com so I can add you to the list. You'll only have to sign in once then and check off "remember me" and I think that's it, it'll be open to you always in future.

Hugs!
Sky

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Nikki
I wish there was something I could say to make it go away! I feel your pain coming off the words as I read them. Hang in there hon, it will get better!
{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Kaila

Rebecca said...

I found you via Polly at In 2 Me See. I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. I can totally relate to every word you wrote - DH and I have been infertiles for 6 years now. We've gone through all the stages of being left behind too - IRL friends, Resolve support group friends, discussion groups, blogs, 2nd round of blogging. Hopefully one day soon we'll both be able to leave this "left behind" feeling behind...

Charlotte Heaven said...

All I've got are big (((hugs))) Hope you are feeling better soon!

nancy said...

What always helped me was always reading Lost and Found connections and adding new IF blogs to my list. That way, I always kept more IF blogs around than preg/parenting. I know that' snot a fix or anything, but the misery loves company thing, when I needed it, I would just go through my IF blogs, always knowing they were updated.

~hugs~

the Babychaser: said...

I'm still here. And I feel you. When I first started blogging I had no idea I'd be the last chick standing. But I actually am going to have to re-arrange my blogroll. Right now it's like a ticking time bomb for anyone looking for IF blogs--half of them are pregnant (or actually moms) by now.

I have a few friends, mostly at work, that are in their early 30s. I'm starting to eye them as potential friend candidates when I have a kid, because they're going to be in the same place.

Then again, they just might pass me by as well. And I'm not sure I can take that.