Thursday, May 7, 2009

We're all mommies too!

Every year, women like me brace themselves for the coming weekend, the 2nd Sunday of May. Yes, Mothers Day, celebrated almost all over the world, and dreaded by the IF community. The commercialization of every holiday and the all-pervasive media with all its advertising and constant reminders of the celebration of motherhood, become constant reminders of what we’re missing. Every commercial on TV, every advertisement on the radio, every announcement of Mother’s Day sales all over the place are like knives through our already broken and shattered hearts.

And I think I speak for many of my IF sisters here – I have endured each Mother’s Day for the last 8 years, thinking, believing, hoping, praying, while desperately and fervently wishing that this is the last Mother’s Day that is breaking my heart. Next year, I will have my little baby in my arms, and I too will be wished “Happy Mother’s Day!” For 8 years I have pretended to ignore the commercials and the announcements, and have wondered how it would feel to wake up on Mother’s Day to breakfast that my child(ren) made for me, to clumsy but heart tuggingly cute hand made cards, smudged drawings, and squeals of laughter, all the excitement in the air!

But instead here I am – hoping to go to bed on Saturday night, only to wake up on Monday morning. Hoping to slink away somewhere on Sunday, to try and avoid the obvious. And it’s all because we physically don’t have our children in our homes and in our arms.

The other day I saw a Mother’s Day commercial on TV, and I turned to DH and said “ I’m a mommy too, aren’t I? So what if my babies are all dead?” I know it broke his heart to just hear that being said out loud. But isn’t that the truth?

Our babies may not be here in flesh and blood, but they are here in so many other forms:

In the form of every dream that we have had where we’ve seen our babies’ faces, or felt their hugs.
In the form of the imagination of what our babies would look like – for every time that we have looked at our DH’s face, and imagined a baby with those eyes, or that smile.
In the form of every treatment cycle that we have gone through – and the 2ww when we are PUPO
In the form every embryo that we have ever created through ART
Sadly, even in the form of every chemical pregnancy, every miscarriage, every ectopic or every pregnancy gone wrong – those were our babies. They just grew angel wings way before they should have.

We are all Mommies. The world may celebrate Mother’s Day only for those with living babies, but let’s not forget to remember our babies that were, or could be, or should have been. We are all Mommies, whether or not we have babies to cuddle and kiss.

I hope I don’t offend any of you by saying this, but I do want to wish all of us a Happy Mother's Day. Many many hugs to all my IF sisters, and many thanks to all of you for holding my hand through some of the roughest days of my life so far.


rocket.queen. said...

I wholeheartedly believe anyone who has dealt with the heartbreak of IF and/or pregnancy loss are all mommies. It makes no difference if your child(ren) are visible to the eyes, they are quite real in your heart.


Just Caz said...

I too think that mothers day is a very commercialized holiday.
I think mothers should be celebrated on everyday of the year.
I am so sorry your children are not with you for mothers day, but you are a mother to your beautiful angels.
My mother died two years ago, and I dread mothers day.. But its a chance to remember everything she went through and did for me as a mother.
I hope you celebrate yourself.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you too Nikki - that was beautiful

Anonymous said...

Do my doggies count???

Kristin said...


You post made me cry. At the risk of stepping on anyone's toes, I was going to post something similar on TTCAL. We ARE mommies, there's no reason not to celebrate! I miss my baby like nothing else, but I am thankful for the time I DID have with them, and cannot wait for the day to see them again.

Happy Mother's Day

Anonymous said...

You are absolutely right, you ARE a mom and you deserve to pamper and celebrate too along with all of us!
I count all my babies, I have angel babies, living baby, in utero baby and "snow flake" babies (embryos which we have frozen in storage) and they are ALL MY KIDS!
Happy mother's day to all of us!


Phoebe said...

Yes, our babies are very real to us whether they are in spirit or body form. Happy Mother's Day to you too!

bunny said...

I love this, Nikki. Thank you. And a very happy Mother's Day to you too.

Anonymous said...

:( this was tough for me to read. i can always kind of distance myself from mothers day. i just make sure i'm around my mom if possible, and no one other pregnant people, no other people with new babies. and it has been fine.

sending you big hugs and a happy mother's day!

Rambler said...

You are an absolutely amazing person. A beautiful well written post. I've read your blog and followed and from one Indian girl to another- you've become like an older Dede whose words I read and lessons I share. Thank you.

Charlotte Heaven said...

Wow, Nikki. That was so powerful, it brought tears to my eyes. You are completely right. Happy MOther's Day. Big (((hugs)))

I Believe in Miracles said...

~~~HUGS~~~ Nikki.

Caroline said...

Hi my friend,

I really loved this post. I just wish we could meet in person. Hugs. x

Bluebird said...

Beautiful and heartbreaking. Happy (belated) Mothers' Day to you too :)

Chhandita said...

Agree 100%! all women are momma, angel babies, live babies, or just moms at heart!

Shelby said...

When you've struggled for your children as much and as long as many of us have, we are all Mothers in that respect. Thinking of our angel babies...and my sisters who are remembering.

Erica said...

Well said. Thinking of you and hoping that day went by quickly.

babycaruso said...

just wanted to thank you for your blog, i have problems with my lining also, i will let you know if i have any luck this month.