Taking a break

Here's just something silly for everyone to enjoy. Take your mind off your current stress in life and smile a little. And please - no offense to supporters of either side. I'm not leaning left, and I'm not leaning right! 

http://www.break.com/index/unbelievable-mccain-vs-obama-dance-off.html

Enjoy!! :-)

My upcoming surgery

Some people have asked me what exactly is going to happen during my surgery next week. I'm going to attempt to give some information here, but this is from my understanding of what Dr Schoolcraft said, and from my research on the internet following my meeting with Dr Schoolcraft. So what I'm going to describe ~may~ be all wrong. Take it with a pinch of salt.

So you do know that I have a T shaped uterus (according to Dr Schoolcraft). * I must note here that I am trusting his diagnosis, although he has been the only doctor that has made this diagnosis for me. In the past 7 years, several doctors have seen my uterus - either in ultrasounds, or in HSG, or via hysteroscopy etc. The only thing the other doctors have mentioned is that the top of my uterus has a dip downwards. But nobody ever mentioned anything about the rest of my uterus. 

The surgery is basically a hysteroscopy. There are 2 types of hysteroscopy. One is diagnostic hysteroscopy, and the other is operative hysteroscopy. Diagnostic hysteroscopies are done while the patient is awake (like what CCRM does during the 1 day work up). Operative hysteroscopy is done under conscious sedation. Conscious sedation is much lighter than general anesthesia - it only puts you to sleep, and you can be woken up when the surgery is over. I believe patients are known to respond to verbal commands while they are under conscious sedation!! (Makes me think of hypnosis!)

From what I have read on the internet, it appears that this particular surgery (to correct the shape of the uterus) is called a "Metroplasty". The procedure is simple (apparently :-) )

The cervix is dilated, and a hysteroscope is inserted. With the insides of the uterus now visible via camera, they proceed to "trim" or "scrape" portions of the uterine walls. The attempt is to make a larger uterine cavity. Once this is done, they will insert a balloon into the uterus. The balloon is to prevent the newly scraped walls from fusing and forming scar tissue. 

This much I have understood. Dr Schoolcraft mentioned that the balloon may be removed in about 10 days time. I need to understand how that happens. Am I supposed to make an appointment here with a doctor, or what? They have not clarified that for me. (Note to self - follow up with CCRM on this) 

The nurse mentioned that they would like to wait for a month to see what my uterus looks like after the surgery. Only then do they want to proceed with stims for my next IVF. Again, they have not clarified who will look at my uterus after a month. Do they expect me to be back in Denver in a month? Will they accept reports of a diagnostic hysteroscopy if I have it done here? I need clarity on that as well. 

Next week at this time, I will have a big girl uterus :-) and not one that stopped developing at 20 weeks gestation or something! 

Alright - here we come!

A lot of things are happening. I've spent so much time waiting that my brain is not able to keep up with so much action all at once! 

I went this morning and had my blood drawn for CD3 testing. The blood serum is to be shipped out to CCRM. My local lab seems to have done this several times before. The phlebotomist saw the shipping box that I had in my hands, and he said "For Dr Schoolcraft?". Then he proceeded to draw my blood and he explained the process they would follow. They will coagulate the blood, separate the serum, freeze it for a day, and then tomorrow, they will ship the frozen serum to CO. He said he's done this for several patients in the past and he knows exactly what to do. That was a relief!

Surgery is scheduled for Oct 29 at 9:30 AM. We need to be there the previous day for my Pre - Op appointment, and we need to stay there the day of the surgery (stay in Denver, not in the hospital). We can fly back on Oct 30. 

Tickets are done - thanks to our friends T and P, who generously donated miles, which we shamelessly took. Thanks guys - this is big time help! 

I'm now looking for hotel and car deals, and will make the bookings shortly. With that, we're all set!! Woohoo!! 

Now the bad news. Well - not bad, but unexpected. CCRM's surgery center is not covered under our insurance. So they will be considered "out of network" making our out of pocket costs go up. We don't know how much exactly we will end up paying. Dr Schoolcraft decided to give me $500 off the deductible that I would have to pay, which is great, but in addition to our co pay and deductible, we will also be responsible for the 20% which our insurance will not cover for out of network services. 

I'm not complaining. I am grateful I have insurance in the first place. Many couples would be paying all of this out of pocket, and I know I'm blessed that I have SOME coverage. 

I'm excited to get this started. If the surgery is successful, we'll do the IVF. If not, this is the end of the road. But it's a road that has taught us so much, and in a way I'm grateful for the experience. I'm a stronger woman with a lot more endurance because of this road I've travelled.

The wheels, they are a turnin'...

I love my Aunt F. OK, no I don't. But I waited so long for her this time, that I love her for showing up with all the presents she brought me. The nasty migraine, the unearthly cramps!! Though I hate these presents, this time they were quite welcome!

But woohoo - she's here!!! She arrived yesterday, and I am now waiting to hear back from CCRM with my surgery schedule. I need to go tomorrow to get my blood drawn, and frozen and shipped to CCRM for Day 3 testing. 

I'm so excited to get this train out of the station! Can't wait to get moving on things!!

Socially networked?

I’ve always considered myself to be “out of the closet” as far as our IF struggles are concerned. Well, definitely in the last few years. When we first started TTC, it was our business. Then slowly as we got BFN after BFN we started talking to a few close friends. Then my parents, then DH’s parents. But I guess it gets obvious after a while, whether we speak it out loud or not.

The loudest screaming factor is evidently an “aging” marriage, and no signs of any kids around. So yes, we’re out of the closet, one way or another. I write openly on my blog, I talk openly to my friends about everything. Our families know everything. Hey, even some colleagues were aware.

Then along came social networking. There are a bunch of sites out there, and everyone in the world is on them. It’s great to be able to connect back with people that you’ve lost touch with. You know the type – old high school class mates, ex colleagues, college batch mates, people from the town you grew up in etc etc etc. You keep getting sucked into it.

I started out with my connections being limited to people that I’m in touch with otherwise in real life. My extended family and real life friends. But these sites spiral you into more and more – “You may know these people”, or “Friends of friends”. Slowly I realized I now am connected to people from so far way back in life that I look at their pictures and go “Huh!! – I don’t remember him/her looking like this” or “Wow – I would not have recognized this person if I ran into him somewhere.”

All this networking brings its own set of issues along with it. Now suddenly people who are crawling out of the woodwork are curious about you. That’s where my dilemma sets in. I’m open about my issues with my friends who see me now, or who have known me in the last few years and have been with me through my struggles. I’m not sure I’m willing to be open with just about everyone that I’ve EVER known in my life.

I’m torn. On the one hand I love being connected back with familiar faces. On the other, I don’t want anyone to ask me anything. I have a few pictures with nieces and nephews or with my friend’s children that are up on these sites, and the moment someone comments on them, I feel compelled to “clarify” saying “Oh this is my niece” or something like that. Or when an old friend / class mate connects up with me and sends me a message saying “I’m married, 2 kids, work in so and so place, live in so and so place, what about you?”, I feel compelled to answer “Married, one dog, we’re working on building a startup”. My answers are technically correct, yet somehow, they seem to rattle me. 

Yesterday DH changed his face.book status to “Requesting everyone to light a candle at 7 PM. Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day”. I saw that and it struck me that I didn’t have the guts to say something like that to all my connections. I say I’m open, but am I? A lot of my connections possibly think I don’t have or mention kids because I’m heavily into our start up company. A part of me wants them to continue to think that way.

So am I really out of the closet as far as IF is concerned?

How do you guys deal with your social networking site connections? How do you deal with questions from people you haven’t seen in years, and probably won’t for years to come? I agree they aren’t an important enough part of my life, but questions do rattle me – wherever they come from. 

I suppose you could say one should limit their connections on these sites, why get yourself more exposure than you can handle? But you see, I enjoy being connected to people. I enjoy interaction. 

What would you do?

7 PM tonight

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We are hoping to have a wave of light go across the world at 7 PM today. If everyone in the world lights a candle at 7 PM their time, and leaves it burning for an hour, there will be a continuous wave of light all over the world.

I will light my candles to honor and remember my babies, and the millions of other babies that should have been here in the world, but aren't. I will light my candles to support the millions of other heartbroken moms and dads for whom those babies are but a memory. My candles will burn in memory of all those little souls.

Won't you do your bit? Please light a candle at 7 PM tonight. It will hardly take any effort on your part, but it would mean the world to parents and grandparents all over the world.

I did send that email I meant to, to my family members and friends IRL. Some responded, some didn't. In some places, it's past 7 PM now. I can only hope that some candles were lit.

Just wandering along

Nothing much - just meandering along, plodding through day after day. I'm looking for my Aunt F who's lost somewhere. I think I need to put up a missing person's alert for her.

Let's see - my Aunt F, she looks nasty, makes me feel horrible, but I do need her. If anyone's seen her, please send her to me. CD 41 and nada. Geesh!!! Yes, it does look like my body is on vacation! (Actually I'm not sure if it's on vacation, or if it's just on strike! Almost like it's telling me "Enough is enough!!!") I spoke with the nurse at CCRM yesterday and we decided we would wait till this weekend, and if she's not here by then, we'd bring her on. She asked me if there was any chance I'm pregnant. I told her I'd probably die of shock if I was pregnant on my own after all this!

I was thinking I'd send an email to my friends IRL and family members across the world, asking them to light candles tomorrow at 7 PM. I was composing the email in my mind, but somehow now I don't feel like sending it. I don't want to sound like I'm stuck like a broken record, and I don't want them to think "Poor Nikki".

One part of me wants all this to end - I'm getting impatient. Yesterday, in the shower I got a feeling like I was in a bad dream. That all this was a bad dream, that one day I'd wake up and none of this would have happened, and my life would be "normal".

Lately a lot of blogs and message boards are talking about "why do you want to a child", or "how much I have imagined being a mom" or "how much I want DH to have a baby". It makes me think of the answers myself. What am I missing? Am I missing being pregnant, or giving birth, or raising a child? I don't know. I mean, how can I miss something I've never experienced?

When I think of my imagination, or if I try and fantasize us having a family, DH being a dad, lately I've been drawing blanks. Maybe I'm suppressing some emotions / imaginations because I've been hurt so much?

I'm beginning to get more and more impatient. I just want to get done with the surgery and the IVF and move on with life. I've put "me" on the back burner for so long. I really just want to close this chapter - one way or the other!