Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Just wandering along

Nothing much - just meandering along, plodding through day after day. I'm looking for my Aunt F who's lost somewhere. I think I need to put up a missing person's alert for her.

Let's see - my Aunt F, she looks nasty, makes me feel horrible, but I do need her. If anyone's seen her, please send her to me. CD 41 and nada. Geesh!!! Yes, it does look like my body is on vacation! (Actually I'm not sure if it's on vacation, or if it's just on strike! Almost like it's telling me "Enough is enough!!!") I spoke with the nurse at CCRM yesterday and we decided we would wait till this weekend, and if she's not here by then, we'd bring her on. She asked me if there was any chance I'm pregnant. I told her I'd probably die of shock if I was pregnant on my own after all this!

I was thinking I'd send an email to my friends IRL and family members across the world, asking them to light candles tomorrow at 7 PM. I was composing the email in my mind, but somehow now I don't feel like sending it. I don't want to sound like I'm stuck like a broken record, and I don't want them to think "Poor Nikki".

One part of me wants all this to end - I'm getting impatient. Yesterday, in the shower I got a feeling like I was in a bad dream. That all this was a bad dream, that one day I'd wake up and none of this would have happened, and my life would be "normal".

Lately a lot of blogs and message boards are talking about "why do you want to a child", or "how much I have imagined being a mom" or "how much I want DH to have a baby". It makes me think of the answers myself. What am I missing? Am I missing being pregnant, or giving birth, or raising a child? I don't know. I mean, how can I miss something I've never experienced?

When I think of my imagination, or if I try and fantasize us having a family, DH being a dad, lately I've been drawing blanks. Maybe I'm suppressing some emotions / imaginations because I've been hurt so much?

I'm beginning to get more and more impatient. I just want to get done with the surgery and the IVF and move on with life. I've put "me" on the back burner for so long. I really just want to close this chapter - one way or the other!


nancy said...

Hey, before I answer, what is your ttc history? I know bits and pieces, but don't know all you've done or how long you've been trying for.

Nikki said...

Nancy - here's my history in brief.

TTC since June 2001. 6 clomid cycles, 5 IUIs, 4 fresh IVF's so far. No living children. A

fter the first failed IVF, we found out DH has a balanced translocation, so we need to do PGD.

IVF2 (with PGD) resulted in BFP, m/c in 9th week.

IVF3 (with PGD) resulted in a biochemical pg.

IVF4 (with PGD) resulted in an ectopic.

Now we've gone to CCRM, where they have found my uterus to be T shaped. I need to first have surgery to correct the shape of my uterus (trial - they aren't sure it will get corrected). If it does, then IVF#5 - which is our last one.

Hence the impatience and the confusion in my head. I'll be 38 in a few months, not growing any younger either!

Darya said...

Oh Nikki...:-(
I wish AF would find her way to you. Enough is enough. I'm glad ccrm will force her soon so I guess you don't have to wait for too long.

I can understand how you feel...waiting and waiting and wanting to get this over with so you can move on. (((HUGS))) I wish I could offer more.

I will light a candle at 7pm your time tomorrow for you and not because I feel sorry for you but in memory of what you lost and in honor of your strength through all of this.

Courtney said...

I'm going to make sure to light a candle tomorrow at 7 PM. big hugs nikki. Yes I made the quiz...I have too much time on my hands! Let me know how your hubby does!

Shelby said...

In my candle lighting tomorrow night, I'll try summoning AF for you. :) I'm not sure I have those powers, but it couldn't hurt to try, right?

I agree with Darya. You have been through enough and I completely understand why you're ready to get to the next chapter. I'm already at my wit's end, so I admire so much your strength.

nancy said...

Oh goodness. I knew it'd been a long time trying, but I didn't know the extent of the pain you must of felt with each loss. I really hope this surgery does work, because it seems you do get the embies implanted each time. They just need a nice and pretty shaped place to land.

I feel so much sadness from today's post. Only because I can somewhat understand how I felt when ttc#1, but for you, it would just more than quadruple the feelings I had. I can't imagine.

About sending the email, I would send it. Making people aware is awesome. And if you want to not feel like it's a "poor nikki" thing, then say that. I would open up saying "I think this is important. This is not for feeling 'poor nikki'" or something like that.

You know I'm here in co, right? So when you go to ccrm, we gotta hook up and do dinner!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I just found AF... so I'm trying to send her to you now...

I know that "wanting this phase to be over". It's that anxiety of not wanting to wait. And waiting stinks.


Jackie. said...

41 days. You must be going out of your mind. Where the hell is she? I'm sending you some AF vibes so that you don't have to pick her up at the bus stop. I have no idea what that entails (bcp?), but with all you have going on, a natural start is probably more welcome. Yes?

As for all of those feelings.... I'm not sure what to say. Maybe, why do we think we need to have the answers all packaged up and pretty, ready to show the world? You are not alone. I have those feelings too.