Nothing much - just meandering along, plodding through day after day. I'm looking for my Aunt F who's lost somewhere. I think I need to put up a missing person's alert for her.
Let's see - my Aunt F, she looks nasty, makes me feel horrible, but I do need her. If anyone's seen her, please send her to me. CD 41 and nada. Geesh!!! Yes, it does look like my body is on vacation! (Actually I'm not sure if it's on vacation, or if it's just on strike! Almost like it's telling me "Enough is enough!!!") I spoke with the nurse at CCRM yesterday and we decided we would wait till this weekend, and if she's not here by then, we'd bring her on. She asked me if there was any chance I'm pregnant. I told her I'd probably die of shock if I was pregnant on my own after all this!
I was thinking I'd send an email to my friends IRL and family members across the world, asking them to light candles tomorrow at 7 PM. I was composing the email in my mind, but somehow now I don't feel like sending it. I don't want to sound like I'm stuck like a broken record, and I don't want them to think "Poor Nikki".
One part of me wants all this to end - I'm getting impatient. Yesterday, in the shower I got a feeling like I was in a bad dream. That all this was a bad dream, that one day I'd wake up and none of this would have happened, and my life would be "normal".
Lately a lot of blogs and message boards are talking about "why do you want to a child", or "how much I have imagined being a mom" or "how much I want DH to have a baby". It makes me think of the answers myself. What am I missing? Am I missing being pregnant, or giving birth, or raising a child? I don't know. I mean, how can I miss something I've never experienced?
When I think of my imagination, or if I try and fantasize us having a family, DH being a dad, lately I've been drawing blanks. Maybe I'm suppressing some emotions / imaginations because I've been hurt so much?
I'm beginning to get more and more impatient. I just want to get done with the surgery and the IVF and move on with life. I've put "me" on the back burner for so long. I really just want to close this chapter - one way or the other!
5 days ago