Back home, hanging out

TMI warning: If you have a queasy stomach, and /or are of delicate disposition, or are any of my male IRL friends who already know WAY too much about me, stop reading now. Don't read any further!

So I'm back home. The day of the surgery was a piece of cake. I guess because of the fact that I was medicated and stayed in bed all day long. 

Yesterday, on the other hand, was EXHAUSTING. Just getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed and getting to the airport was tiring! And then to navigate the Denver airport!! It's HUGE! Thankfully we had plenty of time, so we didn't have to rush, and could walk slowly through the airport. But even the walk from the entrance to the security check point, to the gate of departure was a task. My head was reeling and my hands were cold by the time all that was done! I fell asleep in the plane even before we took off!

And that was not all. Here's the TMI portion. Again - any of you who should not be reading this - please don't.

So the balloon in my uterus has a tail. They told us that before and after the surgery. And they told me that "sometimes the tail may slip out, and if it does, don't panic, just push it back in". OK. Nobody told us the tail is really not a "tail" (I was imagining a string or a thread type tail - I mean, if there is a balloon, there has to be a string, right?). Boy was I wrong!!! The damn thing is like one of those controls on an overhead light fixture - you know the kinds that hangs down?

And it "slips out" every time I walk!! I had to stop at restrooms 2 times between security and the boarding gate at the airport yesterday!! No fun. The first time I felt it slip out was right while I was walking past security. I'm sure I was walking funny and thank goodness the security guys didn't decide to "pat me down". That would have been awkward! LOL!

Anyhow - all done, I'm home and relaxing. I've decided I'm not getting out of bed and going anywhere till this thing is removed! 4 more days and I can have this contraption taken out. I still have no pain - knock on wood. Either I've become immune to pain, or this doctor is so so awesome! :-)

Our friends P and R brought us good home made food for dinner last night. Thanks for pampering us, guys! You're awesome!

Thank you all for your comments and well wishes! I'm so glad to have you guys hold my hands through all this! Thank you thank you thank you!

Surgery Update

I can't believe I've slept all day! :-)

Everything went really well today. We left well in advance from the hotel because the nurse told us traffic can be really bad and it could take us even up to an hour! Well, we were there in 20 minutes (and yes, there was a LOT of traffic)! CCRM's surgery center entrance/ parking is different from their main lobby. You enter into a garage on the side and go straight upstairs to the surgery center. Entering the garage is like a secret mission operation! "Press "CALL" on the intercom, announce your name, and the garage door will be opened for you. The nurses will be notified of your arrival." Pretty cool, huh?

I filled out some paperwork, and they had me change into a WARM gown, and gave me a WARM blanket to cover myself. That felt so good! The nurse put on all the monitors for me, and wrapped my hand in a warm wet towel. She said that helps the veins pop up, so they can put in the IV easily. Everything went super smooth. The nurse also put on my "party hat"! (That's what she called it!) :-)

Now for my "awwwwww moment". DH was waiting in the room with me before they took me into the operating room. The sticky monitors on me were connected to this screen behind which was going beep...beep...beep...beep. It displayed my heart rate, and other vital stats. So DH came and held my hand, and instantly the monitor started going BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!! My heart rate went up! We both started laughing - after 12 long years, DH can still get my heart rate racing by touching my hand!! LOL. Come on, say it with me "Awwwwww."

They put in some relaxing medicine into the IV and I was out. Didn't even stay awake till the real stuff! What a wuss! 

I woke up with warm warm blankets all over me, including one which is like a plastic sheet, with warm air circulating through it. Very cool. I sat for a bit, and then had some crackers and ginger ale. My throat hurts - possibly scratched / bruised from some tube they put in. It hurts pretty bad to swallow. Dr Schoolcraft came in and told me everything went well. He thinks he's made enough room in there. He inserted a balloon (which I don't feel at all). He also said he had to put a stitch on my cervix because it got nicked a little. 

We left in a bit, and DH drove us back via Panera, where he got me some nice soup. Came back to the hotel, and went to sleep. 

The greatest part of it all - I am in no pain. At least so far. It's 5 PM local time, I haven't had any pain medication since I left the hospital. That's it folks. The surgery is done. Now I wait for 6 weeks, and come back here. DH already did the tickets for our December trip while I was asleep this afternoon. We plan to fly in and out the same day. 

I feel great, and am really glad I went ahead and did the surgery. Even if it doesn't help, I know I've done all I could. 

Mile high!

We're here in Mile High city. We left CA bright and early, and got in here earlier than expected! Got our car, found the hotel, checked in, freshened up, had a quick lunch and went to CCRM for my pre-op appointment.

They drew my blood for a pregnancy test. And guess what? They haven't called with results, so I assume it's a BFN? :-) I told the girl that if I were the kinds that ~could~ get a positive pregnancy test without the help of all kinds of advanced technology and procedures, I wouldn't be sitting in that chair today. She just laughed. 

Dr Schoolcraft spent a few minutes with us after that. He confirmed that the procedure he will do tomorrow on me is the same as I described a few days back. Dilate the cervix, insert a hysteroscope, scrape out the top and sides of my uterus, put in a balloon, and send me packing. 

He gave me some prescriptions. One to dilate the cervix, one antibiotic, and one painkiller. We filled the prescriptions and we're all set! 

He does not want me to have the balloon in for 10 days though. He wants it out either Monday, Tuesday or latest by Wednesday of next week. So I called my RE's office in CA and got my appointment changed to Tuesday next week. 

Now for follow up. Dr Schoolcraft wants to see me personally in 6 weeks. I asked him if I could get a hysteroscopy done elsewhere and get the report sent to him, and he said no. He said any other doctor will not know what to compare against. He feels that since he's working on my uterus, he will have better mental images of my "before" and "after" uterus. So I'm back here in 6 weeks. I got that appointment set up too. I have to be back here on Dec 10. 

Which leads us to - "When can I do an IVF????" The answer to that is next year. It will be the second week of December by the time by 6 week appointment is done, and since their lab closes for the holidays, if you don't start stims by Dec 2, you're pushed out to next year. So I'm out. Waiting for 2009 now.  Oh well. Better to wait, and do my last IVF with a "new and improved" uterus, than to rush into anything right now, right? So I wait.... and the nurse said, depending on the PGD process Dr Schoolcraft recommends for us, we may have to do a freeze all cycle. That would mean freeze the embryos after fertilization, and come back the next month for transfer. So lets see, we were here in September, we're here in Nov, I have to come back in December, we both come back in January, and possibly February again!!! Geesh!!!!! 

That's it, friends. We drove around downtown for a while and are now back at the hotel. DH wanted to sit somewhere and have a drink and he even took permission from the nurse for me. She said "Ok as long as you don't get her wasted". But I think I'll pass on the drinking tonight. I'll wait till tomorrow, and get wasted and pass out on the IV! :-)

I will post an update tomorrow when I can. My uterus is going in for cosmetic surgery tomorrow. Please send me some "pretty uterus vibes".

All set

"All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go" (not really - I still have to pack!)

But we're all set. All bookings done, print outs taken and collated, all done. What am I feeling? A little anxious. I've been through several surgeries in my life, and for most of them I've just gone with the motion of doing things. This one - this one is making me anxious. Not nervous, but anxious. Perhaps because this surgery and it's outcome is going to be so monumental in my life - whether it works or not. 

If it works, then this will be the surgery that "fixed it all". If it doesn't, then this is where we put a full stop to everything. So many decisions and outcomes depend on what happens this Wednesday. 

I am feeling a lot of energy from people around me though. My parents think this is what was "destined" to happen. That Dr. Schoolcraft is the one who was destined to change things for us. I hope so. 

On updates: good news. My pap, mammo, and HPV tests are all clear. I called the doctors office today and got the results. So as far as being prepared for an IVF cycle at CCRM - all my homework is now done. I'm now just waiting for things to fall in place. 

I hope things fall in place soon. I have recently received comments on my blog from people that have not been regular commenters. People have mentioned they have had similar surgery, and that I'm in good hands. I'm taking a lot of positive energy from those comments and people who left them. Thank you - I'm hoping to be a similar story some day! 

365 days...

October 25, 2007 was the day I first saw those coveted 2 lines on a HPT. I have described several times the emotions DH and I felt that day. How we collapsed down on the bathroom floor, tears of joy running down our faces, laughing, hugging each other, not being able to believe what we just saw! Our problems were over! Infertility to us, till then, had meant our inability to conceive on our own. Now we were pregnant! Our problems were definitely over!! 

From then, till today, October 25, 2008 - life has changed, and oh, how life has changed! We have endured pain we could never have imagined. I can't describe the feeling in our hearts when we saw the tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound. And then a few weeks later, when that heart stopped beating, it was almost like our hearts stopped beating too. There were times I felt it physically. Like it was difficult to breathe, and like my heart was physically in pain. There were days when I fell asleep praying that I would not wake up the next day. I cried tears on my way to and from work every day, because I did not want DH or anyone else see the mess that I had become. So I did all my crying alone in the car. There were times tears were so heavy in my eyes, that I couldn't see traffic very well on the freeway. My immediate thought at those times was always "Good - I wish I can have an accident now and die."

Co-workers told me later that they were afraid to say anything to me, afraid to come to my cubicle, and that my face and eyes were always swollen from my crying. I don't even remember. I don't remember seeing myself in the mirror in those days. I don't remember getting dressed for work, or anything else too much. All I remember is absolute grief. Absolute grief. 

Depressed? Yes, I would guess so. 

I woke up this morning, and thought of last year. I had expected today would be painful in many ways. It is, but more than anything, I feel like celebrating the little short life of our daughter. One year ago, today, we got to know of her existence. Since then, she has been a constant in our hearts. Everyday. Every minute. She's there when we fall asleep. She's there when we wake up. Both DH and I feel her. She's right here with us. In spirit, if not in person. 

I'm not feeling very sad today. I'm feeling like I should acknowledge and celebrate my baby's life. I'm hoping that she, along with her little siblings that we lost later, are watching over us. I'm hoping they can send their mommy some "good uterus vibes" and their dadda all the strength he needs to take me through this surgery and recovery, and the upcoming IVF. 

NIAW and updates.

I'm so bad. I had all these grand plans of really spreading the awareness this week. I had planned I'll make a video or a slideshow and send it to people, put it up on You.Tube etc. I haven't done anything. The whole week has gone past and I haven't made anybody aware in any way. 

I will try and make up for this tomorrow. This weekend is also our 1 year anniversary of our first BFP. So I know I am going to want to slow down tomorrow, and want to think about last year for a while, think about how things could have and should have turned out. I know I'm probably going to be a mass of emotions, and that may be the best time to spread some heartfelt awareness. 

Some updates - I spoke with the nurse at CCRM, and asked her the questions that I had. I wanted to know if I could get my balloon removed here, 10 days after the surgery. I also wanted to know if my 1 month followup could be done here, and if we could send the reports to Dr Schoolcraft, or would he want to do a hysteroscopy himself. She said the best person to answer these would be Dr Schoolcraft, and that the best time for him to answer these questions would be either pre-op when he meets us on Tuesday, or post-op when he knows how much work he has done on my uterus. 

Just to be on the safe side, I called Dr M's office here, and have set up an appointment for him to take my balloon out. If I need to cancel it, I will. I didn't want to wait till I came back from Denver. What if they can't squeeze me in then? I'd be stuck with a balloon in my tummy! 

CCRM still hasn't received the reports from my pap smear and mammogram. I'm wondering if that is strange. It's been 2 weeks since the mammogram, and 2.5 weeks since the pap. I haven't received any updates either. I don't know how long mammogram reports take, but I am sure I don't remember waiting 2.5 weeks for a pap report. (Yet another note to self - follow up on this as well!!!) 

Taking a break

Here's just something silly for everyone to enjoy. Take your mind off your current stress in life and smile a little. And please - no offense to supporters of either side. I'm not leaning left, and I'm not leaning right! 

http://www.break.com/index/unbelievable-mccain-vs-obama-dance-off.html

Enjoy!! :-)