Saturday, October 25, 2008

365 days...

October 25, 2007 was the day I first saw those coveted 2 lines on a HPT. I have described several times the emotions DH and I felt that day. How we collapsed down on the bathroom floor, tears of joy running down our faces, laughing, hugging each other, not being able to believe what we just saw! Our problems were over! Infertility to us, till then, had meant our inability to conceive on our own. Now we were pregnant! Our problems were definitely over!! 

From then, till today, October 25, 2008 - life has changed, and oh, how life has changed! We have endured pain we could never have imagined. I can't describe the feeling in our hearts when we saw the tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound. And then a few weeks later, when that heart stopped beating, it was almost like our hearts stopped beating too. There were times I felt it physically. Like it was difficult to breathe, and like my heart was physically in pain. There were days when I fell asleep praying that I would not wake up the next day. I cried tears on my way to and from work every day, because I did not want DH or anyone else see the mess that I had become. So I did all my crying alone in the car. There were times tears were so heavy in my eyes, that I couldn't see traffic very well on the freeway. My immediate thought at those times was always "Good - I wish I can have an accident now and die."

Co-workers told me later that they were afraid to say anything to me, afraid to come to my cubicle, and that my face and eyes were always swollen from my crying. I don't even remember. I don't remember seeing myself in the mirror in those days. I don't remember getting dressed for work, or anything else too much. All I remember is absolute grief. Absolute grief. 

Depressed? Yes, I would guess so. 

I woke up this morning, and thought of last year. I had expected today would be painful in many ways. It is, but more than anything, I feel like celebrating the little short life of our daughter. One year ago, today, we got to know of her existence. Since then, she has been a constant in our hearts. Everyday. Every minute. She's there when we fall asleep. She's there when we wake up. Both DH and I feel her. She's right here with us. In spirit, if not in person. 

I'm not feeling very sad today. I'm feeling like I should acknowledge and celebrate my baby's life. I'm hoping that she, along with her little siblings that we lost later, are watching over us. I'm hoping they can send their mommy some "good uterus vibes" and their dadda all the strength he needs to take me through this surgery and recovery, and the upcoming IVF. 


Nichole said...

Beautiful Post! I hope I am as strong as you on my year BFP anniversary.

I am praying for you during your surgery and upcoming IVF

Lauren said...

I commend you on how openly you share your soul with people. You've been through so much and it shows how strong you are.


Anonymous said...

Oh, Nikki you have me in tears. That really was put so beautifully. I commend you for celebrating this day.
We'll be thinking of you this week!

BTW-the CCT is mostly for research to see how my body reponds to gonotro...(sp) We won't do an IUI, but we're more than welcome to BD.

Shelby said...

This is wonderful that you are in such a better place. Albeit not the best, as most of us understand firsthand, but better. You are so strong and have weathered so much. I am really inspired by you. You always write so beautifully and put your feelings into words so eloquently. As always, this was a great post.

I am hoping that the anniversary for your first BFP will bring good things for you!

I Believe in Miracles said...

I'm praying for you my dear.

Jackie. said...

This is a wonderful post, Nikki. I am glad that your friends who were afraid were able to tell you that that was the reason they could not find a a way to offer support at the time. That admission was nearly as brave as this post.
I am glad that you found a way to celebrate yesterday.

April said...

What a great way to look at's inspiring.

*hugs* april

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that your post was very well written and so beautiful!
God knows what we are going through and I pray for us!
My 2 little angel baby boys, Shane & Hunter, are playing amongst the stars with your baby girl and all the other angel babies!

Lorraine said...

Really touching - and beautiful to celebrate a too-short life that brought so much joy. I think the pain will always be there, in the background, but that it's so meaningful to be able to remember in a positive way, too.

Lisa said...

Oh Nikki, I cried when I read this. You are such a strong woman, and you and your DH deserve nothing more than to finally be parents. You have travelled a long road that is not easy. And I'm glad you can remember today with a smile, even if it also comes with a heavy heart. I hope you take the time for yourself that you need. And I hope with everything that your upcoming cycle is finally going to be the one. I will say a prayer, for all you have lost, and everything you will one day gain.