Left behind

It’s happening again. In the 8 years that DH and I have been TTC, we’ve been “left behind” so many times. I used to lurk on some message boards, way back in 2002-2003 etc. I never posted, but I did find myself following the stories and posts of some of the women on the board. One by one they all got pregnant, or adopted and moved on. I got left behind.

Then I started posting on the boards and made some friends. One by one most of them got pregnant, or adopted and moved on. I stopped posting on the boards because I just ended up feeling like a bitter, unsuccessful oldie, still there, still trying. I was left behind again.

Then I started blogging – and now I’m noticing the same thing. One by one, so many of the blogs I read have gone from being IF blogs to becoming pregnancy blogs to parenting blogs.

I’m left behind again. Yes, there are some people from each group that are also still here with me, and I can feel their pain. It feels terrible to be left standing in one place when the world is rushing past you. How infertile am I, that even the IF community is getting pregnant before me?

And I’m not even talking about my IRL friends any more. I don’t even expect to have a child that will be older than any of my IRL friends’ kids. On the other hand, if I do have a child, I expect to be that pitiable older mom with a young child, feeling totally out of synch and out of sorts!

I don’t grudge anyone her success or happiness. Not at all. In fact, I’m happy for my IF sisters when they get to the other side of this roller coaster. I know many have been to hell and back on the infertility journey, and I’m so glad and relieved for them when they reach their goals and get the BFP or get matched with a baby they are adopting.

But I’m tired of being left behind all the time. I’m tired of being tired of treatment. I’m tired of enduring. Out of stamina. Spent. Ready to give up.

It doesn’t help that pregnancies and pregnancy announcements are everywhere! Everywhere you look, you’ll get blindsided! DH is not spared either. The other day, he was out in the park with Simba, and he met one of our neighbors. She usually brings her toddler out for a walk around the time that DH takes Simba out. They hadn’t run into each other in a while recently. She met DH, hugged him and he asked her how things were, and where she had been. She unzipped her jacket, revealed a very pregnant bump, and said “I’ve been busy – I’m due in 10 weeks”. DH didn’t have a response for her. He came home and told me how blindsided he felt at her news. All I could think of was “Thank goodness it wasn’t me outside in the park getting to see that pregnant belly”

There is a commercial complex being constructed in a nearby downtown. I remember seeing the signs “Ready in June 2009!!”. This was early 2008 or maybe late 2007. I remember thinking “June 2009 – that’s far away. We’ll definitely be pregnant or have a baby by then!” I crossed past that construction site yesterday. There are huge buildings, almost ready for business. And then it struck me. June 2009!! It’s almost here! And me? Left behind again. Not pregnant, don’t have a baby, and in a worse mental situation that I was one year ago. Buildings have been made, and I haven’t been able to make a baby! Shame on me!

No sign of AF. No idea when she’ll show. On top of that I’ve had the worst possible cold and sore throat for the last couple of days. No fever, else I’d be sure I got the swine flu, and given my luck, I wouldn’t be surprised either! I’m sneezing and coughing and every pore of my body feels like it’s blocked and “woolly”.

And no, being all clogged up does NOT help my not so sunny disposition much! ☹