Thursday, August 7, 2008

Mountains of papers

I'm drowning! I've been busy talking to CCRM and my insurance, and DH and trying to figure out what next.

First - I called Cigna. They confirmed that they have CCRM within network, and will cover any charges from there.

Then I called CCRM and asked for a phone consultation appointment. I have an appointment set up for Aug 26 with Dr S. 

I am now drowning in paperwork - release of medical records from my current clinic to CCRM, new patient paperwork for CCRM etc. My clinic will send my fat file of records to CCRM directly, and my part of the paperwork is ready to go too (along with a picture of DH and me, so they can "put face to name").

I've been reading a lot of things online about the new clinic, and it seems like I have an overload of information. Needless to say, when there is too much information, some will be good, some will be bad. The bad information is scaring me a little, but I am holding off judgement till I do my phone consult myself and form my own impressions. 

So life is moving on. At 2 mph, but still moving on. I used to be the impatient kinds that wanted everything done yesterday. But I've seen that life has it's way of taking the steering wheel, and sometimes slowing you down to a crawl. It used to be frustrating, but now I accept. You have to choose your battles. I'm fighting larger things in life, I can't be impatient! 



Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Tag, you're it!

Answer these with the first thing that come to mind, and try and keep the answer limited to one word

1. Where is your cell phone? NO idea!!!
2. Your significant other? Cute
3. Your hair? Falling
4. Your mother? Far away :-(
5. Your father? Strong
6. Your favorite thing? Ummm...
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? Water
9. Your dream/goal? Baby
10. The room you’re in? office
11. Your hobby? Reading
12. Your fear? No baby
13. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Motherhood
14. What you’re not? Pregnant
15. Muffins? No
16. One of your wish list items? Baby
17. Where you grew up? India
18. The last thing you did? Medical Records
19. What are you wearing? shorts
20. Favorite gadget? laptop
21. Your pets? German Shepherd
22. Your computer? MacBook Pro
23. Your mood? Better
24. Missing someone? Babies
25. Your car? Acura
26. Something you’re not wearing? Ring
27. Favorite store? Anne Taylor
28. Like someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? Lavender
30. When is the last time you laughed? Can't remember
31. When is the last time you cried? Saturday

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A good RE

The signs that your RE is good, and has your best interests at heart:

1) He looks and feels sorry for all that you have had to go through
2) He has been thinking of you "a couple days ago" and thinking of what tests he can have you do
3) He has no "ego" and says it may be nice to have a "fresh pair of eyes look at your records"

We had our appointment with our RE today. He says that he feels it is "good" that my last pregnancy was ectopic, as compared to a normal miscarriage, since that still leaves us with hope that a) embryo / egg quality is fine, b) it is not necessarily my uterus or my body that is killing my embryos. With that, he does not think we should stop trying. And he is not saying that from the perspective of making money either, and I'll come to that. 

He said if our next IVF attempt would be our last attempt at building a family - entirely, then he would tell us to NOT do IVF, but to proceed with adoption. If we would be open to discussing adoption even if our next IVF fails, he thinks we should do the IVF. 

He does not think my egg quality is an issue (although on a structural level inside the egg, there may be an issue - which would be extremely hard to find out). In fact, I have a decent number of eggs at each IVF, and our fertilization rate is pretty high as well. 

Our known issue is DH's chromosome translocation, and with that, our % of abnormal embryos is extremely high (about 90% abnormal). For that we use PGD. 

He doesn't think there is additional testing required right now, but he said he had been thinking of us a couple days ago, and he thought of one immunity test that I have not had done. He wants me to do that when I go in for my next HcG test this Friday. Of course I have forgotten the name of the test!! 

Dr M wants us to have a "fresh pair of eyes" look at our case and he suggested CCRM in Denver. He knows Dr Schoolcraft pretty well and thinks that another pair of eyes could sometimes see things differently. He said he would not mind if we chose to do our last IVF with CCRM. In fact, for us, he would be happy to monitor us during the stimulation phase right here. That way we don't need to spend a month in Denver, and we can go there only during the week of retrieval and transfer. He said he would do that for us as our friend, and because he knows us as likes us. Awwwww!!!! 

That's what I mean by him not wanting our last IVF to bring him some more money. 

We are talking about next steps. I now have a lot more research to do, and my research analyst brain is already listing out to-do's. 

I have a couple of months while my body gets rid of the methotrexate, but I have things to do. Over the next 2 months we need to figure out a concrete plan for ourselves!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Preparation

I'm making my list
I'm checking it twice
Tests will show
If my body's "knotty" or nice

I am really looking forward to seeing the RE tomorrow. DH and I have gone over everything that we want to ask. We are carrying a list of questions with us and hopefully these questions will have answers tomorrow.

Tomorrow my friend Angela has her D&C. I hope she gets some answers too. It's been a tough ride for her, and she's been awfully brave about everything. Big hugs to you Angela - good luck with everything tomorrow.

Me, I think I'm doing better with every day that's going by. I am coming to terms with what's happened. I don't think I'm very hopeful for the future yet, but I'm letting myself take one step at a time, one day at a time. 

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Drama

Me: Hey Button, I wanted you to meet Button-Hole. I think you guys are made for each other, and will really get along well!

Button: Button-Hole!!!!

Button-Hole: Button!!!!

Me: You guys know each other?

Button and Button-Hole: Of course we know each other! We have been dying to get back together, but your fat stomach kept us apart!

Background music:

Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited 'cos we understood
There's one perfect "FIT"
And sugar, this one is it
We are both so excited
'Cos we're reunited, hey hey

People, my jeans fit and fit well :-)


Saturday, August 2, 2008

The purpose of this pain

Last night I logged on to my usual message board, and I saw a message titled "Nikki, you're an inspiration". It was posted by someone who I have not "met" before, somebody who was lurking on the message boards, and has been reading my blog as well. What she wrote made me cry. Felissa, like me, has suffered 3 losses. Her last 2 have been ectopic pregnancies, of which the last one was in July. She too was given methotrexate, and she too is on the roller coaster of riding out the HcG levels, waiting for them to drop. 

She said she got strength from my words, and seeing me slowly pick up the pieces of my life is inspiring her to move on slowly as well. 

I cried as I read her message, and I posted a message back to her before I went to bed. This morning I woke up feeling very "satisfied". I woke up thinking that all this pain and turmoil I've been in has actually helped someone, and to me, that makes my pain worth having. 

They say everything happens for a reason. I saw no reason why God kept taking my babies away, but today, I feel like it's alright. If, by sharing my heart and my thoughts, I can touch even one life, and help someone with his or her struggle, then it's worth it.

I'm seeing some sense in this. Thank you Felissa. You don't know how you've helped me just with that one message you posted last night. 

My perspective is changing....

Friday, August 1, 2008

Updates

Firstly, my heart goes out to my friend Angela. I had posted about her earlier. At her appointment on Tuesday, they did find a heartbeat, but it was low. The RE gave her a 8-10% chances of things working out. Today at her repeat ultrasound, the heartbeat had stopped. This is Angela's fourth loss, and my heart is completely broken for her. Angela, if and when you see this, I hope you get the strength and peace that you need at this time.

Now for my update: Firstly, I can't believe I am HAPPY about my HcG falling! But I am, it's ironic I know, but I'm ecstatic. Drumroll please - today's numbers are........ 19.3!!! That's right, just 19.3, and now I need to go back next week on Friday to get a 0 result hopefully.

Secondly - I am proud to report that I could button my jeans! I first managed to do so on Wednesday but thought I would die because I couldn't breathe. Yesterday was "slightly" better. Today I have kept it buttoned off and on. I look like a muffin / mushroom, but hey, it's better than even 3 days ago! 

Today it was a different nurse that called, and of course I asked her if I could start going back to the gym. She said no! :-( They are going to be strict about my HcG reaching a complete 0 first! Oh well - I've waited 5 weeks already, 1 more should not be that hard. 

Have a good weekend, everyone!