Perspective

In my lifetime, I have been to doctors and hospitals several times. Actually I think I’ve been given more than a fair share of doctors and hospitals. But it’s not that I fall sick easily, I have a generally healthy body. I never missed days of school or work because of common illnesses. No common colds or chills or fevers or flu for me. Nah – I go for the big ones. I go bust my knee, and I do it again and again and again. Or I turn out to be infertile and I have to see one RE after another, again, and again, and again!

So the bottom line is, I’ve had a number of doctor visits, a number of surgeries, and a number of IVFs. But the patients at these clinics “appear” healthy.

At my orthopedic surgeon’s clinic, the other patients actually appear inspirational! Many have injured themselves playing some sport or doing some brave outdoor activity. Yes, there are the others that may have been in accidents, or the elderly that need help, but mostly orthopedic cases seem to be strapping healthy young cases.

At my RE’s office – again, patients that outwardly “appear” healthy. Yes, we’re all broken apart inside, and are sad, depressed, flustered, and yet hopeful, but on the outside we look “normal”.

The other day I had to go to our hospital’s radiology department for my mammogram. While I waited to be called in, just looking at the other patients there brought so many things into perspective for me. So many of the patients were visibly sick. There were tubes and pipes going into parts of their bodies, they were wheel chair bound, or they were wearing hats and scarves to cover their heads. My heart was in my mouth with pain and agony for each one of them.

Despite the pain that infertility has taken me through, physically my body is functional. It’s not being eaten up by a life threatening disease. My heart may be broken, but my body is not. It may not cooperate with me on a hormonal level, but it is still in my control on many other levels. I complain so much, while I actually have so much to be thankful for.

DH was in the car outside (he had driven with me because we had to head out somewhere together after my appointment). I was so shaken up that I called him and asked him to come sit with me while I waited.

We looked around and saw many elderly patients, accompanied by their adult children. DH came away with the thought that our parents are aging, and they live far away. Heaven forbid, what if they need us like this?

I feel selfish for coming away with the thoughts that I did come away with. I too saw the elderly people accompanied by their children. It struck me that tomorrow, that elderly person may be me. Who’s going to accompany me?

The few minutes in the waiting room of the lab brought things into perspective for me. I need to count my blessings more than I do. But at the same time, a possible glimpse into my future, and the possibility that it may be a very lonely future is scary.

New Adventures of Old Nikki

The last couple of days brought old Nikki into life. We've had a couple of friends visiting from overseas, and although my first reaction to the news of their trip was "I can't deal with this, I'll find a way out from meeting them and having to hang out with them", I'm glad they came.

I'm glad I met them, and I'm glad I let myself relax and enjoy myself. The process involved a lot of alcohol, but the last 2 days have been the most relaxing 2 days in about a year. 

We have consumed some 10,000 calories in food and alcohol in the last 2 days, and I am EXTREMELY guilty doing that, but while I was shoveling food into my face and washing it down with wine and margaritas, guilt was nowhere to be seen! Darn guilt! 

We laughed, joked, teased and relaxed. Old Nikki is here for now - hopefully she'll stay. She doesn't like the crabby, whiny weepy new Nikki! 

On the progress side, my mammogram is done too. OUCH!!! Never had one before, and had no clue what to expect. OUCH - well, I'm wiser now. One more part of my "homework" from CCRM is done.

Everything else as far as moving forward depends on Aunt F. I think I will wait till the middle of next week, and then ask for a Pro.vera prescription. 

Baby Steps towards Baby

Small progress report here.

I FINALLY got a regular OB GYN to see me. I just pulled the name off a hospital's website and got an appointment, and I have to say - I LOVED her. Very kind, gentle, sympathetic and funny! I told her about my IVFs and losses and she asked me how I was doing emotionally. My eyes teared up and my throat choked. I managed to tell her I was doing ok. But it made me think how raw I must be inside to want to start crying at one kindly put question!!! Coming from a stranger at that!

So a small part of my "homework" from CCRM is done. I have had my annual exam, and my pap smear. Now I wait for the hospital's radiology department to call me with my mammogram appt. 

Aunt F is refusing to visit my house. If anyone has seen her, please send her to me. I need to get moving with my life. Have surgery to schedule, IVF to plan, tickets and hotels to book! Can't wait around here forever!! Hear that Aunt F??? Hurry up now, will you?

On a different note - I want to request you guys to stop by and offer Darya some love and support. She's hurting right now. She got a BFN today on a HPT she took. She is right now waiting for the results from her official blood test. She's feeling a little blue, and could use some love.

12 years

So yesterday was our 12 year "Falling In Love" anniversary. Yes, I am that dork that remembers all these dates, and I spring out these surprises on DH every year - you should see the look on his face when I ask him "So do you remember what today is?"

It happened this year too - except I didn't ask him the question like that. We had settled down on the couch, and I asked him to tell me our story. He narrated it in third person, like he was talking about someone else. He of course did not get it that a surprise would be sprung at him. So he started with the entire narration of where we met, and how we got to know each other etc. In the process he missed out the events of Oct 5, 1996 which had etched the date into the calendar of my head. 

At the end of his story, I asked him if he remembered this particular conversation we'd had (on Oct 5, 1996). He said he did, and I said - "Well, OK, Happy Anniversary! We've been in love for 12 years now."

So then we got talking about the 12 years that have gone past. Had we known then what we know now, would our decision to be with each other be any different? A resounding "No" from both of us. If I had to go through IF, and deal with all this, there's nobody else on earth I'd rather do it with. I'm flawed, he's flawed, but we're in love. If we have to grow old alone, there's nobody else I'd rather be an old lady with. (He said the same, but this is my blog, and I speak for myself here.)

We wondered though how life would be different if we did have kids. Would we still be as publicly affectionate with each other, or would we worry that me sitting in DH's lap in front of growing children is not "proper"? DH thought we'd be the same as we are now, and nothing would change. I wonder if really nothing changes. With the demands of raising children, the routines, the exhaustion, does nothing change? 

Those of you that have children - what do you say?

If...Then. If not, then what??

If this upcoming surgery is a success, then we proceed with IVF. Last attempt, final crusade, whatever you call it – our fifth and final fresh IVF.

If the surgery is not successful, then we don’t want to waste that IVF attempt for nothing. I’m not sure what our options then are. Using a Gestational Carrier? Here? Overseas? Costs? Viability of the option for us? I don’t have the answers to those questions. Not yet anyway. And I’m sure there will be even more questions to consider – but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

If we do the IVF, and it is successful (by successful I mean not just a BFP, but bringing home a healthy baby), GREAT!!! Nothing like it. All the heartache, all the trials and tribulations will finally come to fruition and it will all be worth it.

If it doesn’t work – then what? The other day someone asked us if we were “Still trying” and “Have we not considered adoption”. I think most people suffering from IF have considered adoption at some point in time.

It’s again a completely personal decision, and one that cannot be categorized as right or wrong. Adoption is such a beautiful decision on it’s own, that I feel like I would be trivializing the beauty or the enormity of the decision if I take it on a rebound from a failed TTC cycle.

I’m probably not going to be able to explain this like I feel it in my heart, but I’ll try.

It’s like walking down a road, and coming to a 3 point split in the road. You want to take the path leading towards your left hand. You walk down that road and walk into a roadblock. You try again, but the block’s still there. You keep trying but the roadblock stays there.

But you still want to go down the road on the left. Everyone you know has been down that road, and has reached their destination! So you keep trying to overcome the hurdles on that path. Now you’re at the point where EVERYONE around you thinks you should change course and take the road that leads to your right hand side.

It’s easy for everyone to say that, because they have themselves been down the road on the left hand side, reached their destination and some of them are now considering taking a scenic route detour and exploring the path that leads to the right hand side.

The path straight ahead seems like a less popular one, but I’ll come to that in a bit.

That’s sort of how it is with adoption – in my mind. Most people want to have a family and will TTC. Most of those will get pregnant and will move on with their pregnancies and babies. People like us are still trying to tackle the roadblocks in our life. So easy for someone with a child to say “You guys should consider adoption instead” Had we chosen to adopt in the process of building our family, WITHOUT the baggage of IF and failures in our mind, it would be a different scenario.

Someone even told us “It’s not about HAVING a child, it’s about the child, and it’s about being parents to that child.” It made me feel like I was being selfish about wanting to have a child. Like I’m making this whole deal about ME. Is it wrong to want (and be selfish in that want) a child? Isn’t it obvious that once you have a child, the focus is certainly on the child and being good parents to the child?

I think deciding to adopt on a rebound, or because you HAVE to, is a poor choice. (Please note – this is my opinion – and even this opinion may change with time. I'm not judging anybody for any decisions, in fact, I'm very pleased for those that are able to make their decisions in peace.)

I feel adoption is a decision that needs to be taken with a clean slate. Clean colorless background. No grays and blacks of failure and depression, or reds of anger and frustration.

At this point, in my mind, my slate is not clean. It’s gray, red and black. If I choose to adopt with this frame of mind, it’s a decision for a wrong reason.

I feel if this IVF does not work, DH and I will live childfree. That, to me, is the path straight ahead. The one that is unpopular. We both feel like we will need to detox. At least for a while. While we lick our wounds and pick up the pieces of our life. 

We may decide after a while that adoption is right for us, and will move down the path leading to the right. But for now, if our IVF doesn’t work, we will close this chapter.

Decisions.....

The last few weeks have been full of decisions - one after another. Tough ones, too. 

The new set of decisions started with us deciding to go to CCRM. They found the shape of my uterus strange and suggested surgery. We have decided to proceed with the surgery (yes, I know I've written about it many times, and here I go again...!!!!)

They also had sent DH's semen for FISH analysis, and the results came back yesterday. What I didn't tell you was that with the results, CCRM also told us to consider using donor sperm. They said we could split my retrieved eggs into 2, and use donor sperm for one half, and DH's sperm for the remaining. Then we would do PGD on the embryos made from DH's sperm, and if we had nothing left for transfer, we would have a backup of embryos from donor sperm. 

Sounds practical, and an easy decision. While we've made decisions to proceed with surgery, and to do another IVF based on practical thinking, this decision could not be taken only practically. There were so many things to consider. 

If we use donor sperm, and we do have a baby with an embryo from donor sperm, how open would we be about it? Would we tell our families, friends, and even the baby? Our answer was "No". To our minds,  being open about this would only bring up more issues. Even inadvertently, unintentionally, if someone ever said something to or about DH or to or about me, or to or about the baby, it would not be nice. And it's not the matter of a day or a month or a year. It's a potential issue for the rest of our lives and for the rest of the baby's life. 

And if we choose not be open with our families and our friends, I would always have a gnawing stress in my heart. (Remember my post about me outside my blog? I HAVE to tell everything to my family at least) I would be stressed for the rest of my life if I did not tell them. 

Besides, there would always be awkward moments where people would say "Hmm, can't tell who the baby looks like" or "Oh my God, your baby has his dad's eyes / nose". Wouldn't it be awkward to keep quiet and let people say what they say? Wouldn't it hurt DH somewhere? Wouldn't it hurt me? 

You may think we should just be open about using donor sperm and proceed with it. The point is, I started TTC wanting to have a baby with DH. I don't want to just have a baby. I want his baby. And I don't want him to feel left out even remotely. I love him too much to be selfish about this, and put myself before him. 

I personally think that had the situation been reversed, and we were required to consider using donor egg, it may be an easier decision for me to go ahead and say yes.  At least I would still be a participant in the process, if I got pregnant with a donor egg embryo. Donor sperm leave DH out entirely. Yes, he would be involved in a supportive manner, but you get the picture. 

So today we have informed CCRM that we don't want to use donor sperm. We will attempt with my eggs and DH's sperm. If it works, great! If it doesn't, well, we tried. 

Better...

We all know that we have good days and bad. We all know that we're trudging along, getting on with life, minding our business. What we don't know is when that dip is coming. Suddenly we find ourselves free falling into a low, flailing arms, trying to grasp onto something - anything, to stay above. 

Yesterday was one of those. There was so much restlessness, so much unease. Thank you all for reaching out to me. Thanks for all the jokes - each one was precious - and I'm smiling even now as I think of them. 

Thanks P, for dropping by because you knew I needed a hug. Thanks for the hug, and thanks for letting me vent and cry. Thanks for listening, and not judging. 

We heard back from CCRM on the FISH analysis on DH's semen. It turns out that 64% of his semen have unbalanced chromosome translocations. We thought 64% seemed like a "not too bad" percentage, but the genetic counselor who called said it's not that simple. She said anything above 50% is not good. She said it's only recently that they are seeing results in the 40-50-60% ranges. I don't know if it's because research is more advanced now, and there are more identified translocation cases, or if something in the environment is making the percentages increase! Whatever it is, thankfully it's not 90% or 100%! 

Nevertheless, it's more information. It's more things to deal with. Another mountain to climb and cross over. 

There seem to be hurdles from here to eternity! One hurdle after another......