Thursday, October 2, 2008

Decisions.....

The last few weeks have been full of decisions - one after another. Tough ones, too. 

The new set of decisions started with us deciding to go to CCRM. They found the shape of my uterus strange and suggested surgery. We have decided to proceed with the surgery (yes, I know I've written about it many times, and here I go again...!!!!)

They also had sent DH's semen for FISH analysis, and the results came back yesterday. What I didn't tell you was that with the results, CCRM also told us to consider using donor sperm. They said we could split my retrieved eggs into 2, and use donor sperm for one half, and DH's sperm for the remaining. Then we would do PGD on the embryos made from DH's sperm, and if we had nothing left for transfer, we would have a backup of embryos from donor sperm. 

Sounds practical, and an easy decision. While we've made decisions to proceed with surgery, and to do another IVF based on practical thinking, this decision could not be taken only practically. There were so many things to consider. 

If we use donor sperm, and we do have a baby with an embryo from donor sperm, how open would we be about it? Would we tell our families, friends, and even the baby? Our answer was "No". To our minds,  being open about this would only bring up more issues. Even inadvertently, unintentionally, if someone ever said something to or about DH or to or about me, or to or about the baby, it would not be nice. And it's not the matter of a day or a month or a year. It's a potential issue for the rest of our lives and for the rest of the baby's life. 

And if we choose not be open with our families and our friends, I would always have a gnawing stress in my heart. (Remember my post about me outside my blog? I HAVE to tell everything to my family at least) I would be stressed for the rest of my life if I did not tell them. 

Besides, there would always be awkward moments where people would say "Hmm, can't tell who the baby looks like" or "Oh my God, your baby has his dad's eyes / nose". Wouldn't it be awkward to keep quiet and let people say what they say? Wouldn't it hurt DH somewhere? Wouldn't it hurt me? 

You may think we should just be open about using donor sperm and proceed with it. The point is, I started TTC wanting to have a baby with DH. I don't want to just have a baby. I want his baby. And I don't want him to feel left out even remotely. I love him too much to be selfish about this, and put myself before him. 

I personally think that had the situation been reversed, and we were required to consider using donor egg, it may be an easier decision for me to go ahead and say yes.  At least I would still be a participant in the process, if I got pregnant with a donor egg embryo. Donor sperm leave DH out entirely. Yes, he would be involved in a supportive manner, but you get the picture. 

So today we have informed CCRM that we don't want to use donor sperm. We will attempt with my eggs and DH's sperm. If it works, great! If it doesn't, well, we tried. 

10 comments:

Earl Gearl said...

Sounds like you've had a rough couple of weeks. I hope your mind is more at ease now that that decision was made. Big hugs.

Nichole said...

I want to say that I am inspired by the thought that you and DH put into your decision. No decision while dealing with infertility is easy...but yours is an especially difficult one. I think if I were in your shoes...I choose the same as you have. You are strong...it isn't an easy decision to make. ((HUGS))

Shelby said...

Such huge decisions. I think sometimes, especially when we're in the midst of it, we forget what bravery it takes to make such tough decisions, but I must say I am in admiration of your strength.

Jackie. said...

OMG. So much to consider that I have never thought two blinks about. I never really looked at it this way before. I am so glad that you are thinking your feelings through. Only you and DH can make the decision. What anybody else thinks does not matter (even one blink).
So onward! I am very excited about what you are doing. And when it feels right, it feels right.

nancy said...

It's a personal decision and I'm glad you were able to make it.

Darya said...

I'm so sorry you have had to make so many difficult decisions.
It sounds like you've carefully considered your options and determined what's best for you two. May that fact give you some peace.

Miss Tori said...

It's not an easy decision to make whether to use donor anything. You have to be comfortable with what you do, and obviously you wouldn't be using donor sperm.

Hugs!

Shelby said...

This actually started a discussion between Mr. S. and I. I was surprised to learn his choice, at least his choice at this moment in time. He would prefer adoption over donor sperm. Thanks for opening that door of discussion for us.

Lorraine said...

I think it would be impossible to keep that kind of secret - at a certain point, some people would know, some wouldn't, somebody would tell...

Too much pressure! We ended up making basically the same decision for the same reasons, and I feel really good about it - if it doesn't work, at least I'll always know I did everything I could. Good luck going for what you really want, and the other decisions will always be there to be revisited if need be.

Hear My Cry said...

Although I have no advice, I am glad that you and dh made your decision. It feels good to know what you will and won't do, doesn't it?

Praying that you and dh get to have children of your very own. Big hugs!