Saturday, February 14, 2009

Rainbows and the like....


Through the rain, this is what we saw today. It has to mean something, doesn't it? Hope. Light at the end of the tunnel. Something to look forward to. 

I'm doing much better today. Thank you all once again for reaching out and helping me when I felt low. I don't know how I would get through days like yesterday or feelings like the ones I had yesterday without you guys! 

IF takes away so much from us, but in the process it gives us a lot too. My IF has given me a wonderful support group of people that get it. Had I not been infertile, I wouldn't be here, writing this right now, and I would have not had the opportunity to meet so many wonderful people!

IF took away the innocence of an "oops" conception, and the joys of a pregnancy which proceeds without incident. In its wake, it left behind a paranoia which causes one to obsess over EVERY twinge, every symptom, or the lack thereof, a paranoia which will not subside no matter how much one tries to "stay calm".  

IF took away the carefree loud laugh and wicked sense of wit and humor I once possessed. In its wake, it left behind a large amount of bitterness. 

IF took away many treasured relationships, for one reason or another - both friends and family. In its wake, it left behind a lonely isolation. 

IF took away (from me) a career which could have, and was progressing extremely well. In its wake, it left behind a woman willing to give up EVERYTHING, for just one chance to have a baby. 

However, IF did give me a lot of compassion and a lot of insight. Like April said in her comment to my last post, IF makes our lows lower and our highs higher. It makes us much more tuned in and perceptive to others. I'm learning to harness that perception and reaching out to people who are suffering like me. I'm learning that by reaching out and supporting people, I'm not only helping them in their struggles, I am actually helping build a support system for myself too. 

More than anything, IF has shown me how strong I am, and how far and beyond far I'm willing to go to make my dreams come true. It has helped me prioritize my life, and has given me absolute lucidity on what's important to me. 

It has taught me to focus on hope, because sometimes, it's all you've got! It has taught me to look through the rain and find the rainbows......

16 comments:

Elana Kahn said...

The last time I saw a rainbow was the same day I got my long-awaited BFP (it was also my birthday). I hope this rainbow brings you similar luck!!!

Chhandita said...

That was such a nice picture...You have a beautiful heart Nikki...thanks for being there

mylifechronicles said...

Hope... that's what rainbows depict for me! Hope that its a new day. Hope that something good is going to happen that day.
IF is a nasty journey and no one should have to go through it. But, if there is one that IF does, it is that it makes you stronger and more grateful for all the little things in life!

Caroline said...

What a beautiful rainbow Nikki. I think it is definitely a good sign for things to come.
I am very thankful for your friendship and wisdom. You have been a wonderful source of support for me and many other women battling IF.

nancy said...

~hugs~ Nikki. I sure am glad you can see the rainbow.

Fashionably Infertile said...

Your picture and post meant a lot to me. Thank you for sharing that. Sometimes I feel that HOPE is all we have...but then I forget...us IFers have each other! Here's hoping for our miracles!!

strongblonde said...

i think the rainbow has to mean something. ...at the very least that tomorrow is a new day.

you ARE a strong woman. hang in there :)

xoxo

bunny said...

it is so important to celebrate one's own strength and to recognize that hope can grow. and it is easy to see that you are both strong and hopeful- and deserving of good things!

Darya said...

Gorgeous picture! It HAS to be a sign.
You are so right about what IF takes from us but also gives us.

mlg- believe N miracles said...

Well said. Hope is what keeps us going. Keep going Nikki...

Lisa said...

beautiful rainbow! what you said is so true - all of it, every bit and it is such a bittersweet process. ((HUGS))

I am at the local star.bucks using their internet until ours gets hooked up on the 23rd...hopefully the backyard situation is fixed tomorrow...

DAVs said...

I love the picture, and the post. I'm hoping for great things for you!

momsoon said...

wow-i ahve just read your blog and am blown away by your story and the similarities in our journey (the difficulties with cousin; the hopes and losses of extopics&chemicals and surgery to fix something that you think they 'should have' picked up long before all the $'s, procedures and tears...)
I am totally going to follow and be rooting for you guys this time!!!!
Rainbows are a great reminder of something greater than us at work and along this road, we need those reminders! This is your time.

margelina said...

That's an amazing picture...and an amazing post!!

Elle Charlie said...

Beautifully put.

fruitbowl said...

It's so true what you say about the positives that can come out of all this adversity. Thank you for pointing it out so eloquently. You're right, rainbows are such a poignant symbol of something magic coming out of all these highs and lows. A beautiful image.

You also taught me something else. I am currently studying to be a counsellor and am interested in supporting people with fertility problems. I hadn't realised til you pointed it out that actually my OWN IF experiences have made me even more perceptive of others needs. You have great insight. Thanks again for sharing.

x