Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I shouldn’t be here right now writing this. Today shouldn’t have been the way it is. I should have been 40 weeks pregnant, in active labor, or waiting to be in labor, or with a brand new infant. Nothing about this should have turned out the way it did.

I still have a copy of the “Save the date” email I sent to my brother, sister and their spouses: “The bun is in the oven. It is expected to be ready on 2/24/09”.

The oven turned out to be faulty, and the poor bun has long since gone, and is nowhere close to being ready.

Prima facie, life has moved on. But when you look, only time has moved on. I’m still where I was when all of this started. We wanted a baby then. We still want a baby now. We are still here, wanting, and waiting.

And sadly, my third loss didn’t even get a fitting tribute from me. All I felt was stunned anger. With my first loss I was a heartbroken mess. With my second, deep deep sadness (albeit with the “solace” that it was a chemical pregnancy, and under normal circumstances we may not have known that it had even happened). The third loss – nothing. Just plain anger and frustration.

I reasoned with myself that I didn’t react the same way with my third loss as with my first because we had not got to see a heartbeat ever. Whatever be the reason, my baby did not get the love and honor it deserved – not even from me, and I feel bad about that today.

I write poems when I’m emotional – and I wrote and dedicated one each to my first and second losses (they are here and on my side bar). But I have not written poetry since then. I have no words to describe the numbness in my heart.

And yet, I’ve stayed addicted to hope, trying to plod on and come out victorious over IF. That’s what took us to CCRM and through this excruciatingly long last IVF cycle. That was June/July 2008, and this is the end of Feb 2009. Long IVF cycle, yes?

I had been making myself feel totally positive for the FET. Then my cousin’s news came and threw me into a funk mentally. And then my lining check last week was the frosting on the nasty cake. Try as I might, I’ve not been able to get back into feeling positive about my FET.

I’m tired. I know that if my FET doesn’t work, I won’t have the strength to try again (can’t even think of another FET at this point). And I know that if the FET works and something goes wrong with the pregnancy again, I won’t know how to find the strength to carry on with life.

I guess I’m just feeling low today, and I wish today had turned out differently for DH and me.


Bluebird said...

Your poems are beautiful.

I can't imagine what you've gone through - how exhausted and spent you must feel. The very fact that you were clinging on to hope about this cycle is a victory. The fact that that hope waivered is - well, is to be expected I suppose.

I so, so hope that this is it for you. That you don't have to worry about any more "what if's." You're right - it shouldn't be like this at all. ((Hugs)) sweetie - I'm sorry this day has come for you.

Anonymous said...

I am thinking about you today! I know how hard it is. You have so much strength and courage to keep fighting through IF. I wish you the best with your journey.

Miss Tori said...

I'm sorry the potential joy of today is nothing but pain instead. I'm sending you warm thoughts and gentle hugs.

Linda said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you went through and what you must be feeling today. I hate that you have this heartache. Take time for yourself and DH today. {{{BIG HUGS}}}

momsoon said...

I feel your heartache through the screen- you describe a feeling that i would wish nobody else would experience, and know all too well.

Both times we were pregnant (how naive I was) I went on one of those pregnancy sights that automatically emails you your babie progress. For the longest time I was getting the week per week and then infant/toddler progress, untill I was willing to block it. Our first baby would be four 1/2 and our second (twins) would be 3. I know how it aches. I am sorry.

I think somedays I am doing well to get out of bed!

When I read your history on the sidebar of your blog, I relate to the frustration of the docs mistake/the loss and the sheer 'marathon' that is your (our)journey so far--but most importantly, when I get to the fact that you have 5 'normal' blasts and a 'fixed' uterus, I get huge optimism!

I know it's hard for you to see, but all the tears, shots, surgeries and tough days like today, will be worth it in the end.

Donna said...

I'm so sorry - a due date is such sad day. I know I'll never think of May 19th as just another day for the rest of my life. It's the day that my daughter should have been born - they she should be having her birthday. I hope you can find some peace.

Lisa said...

I am so sorry Nikki - I wish it was different for you too.


What IF? said...

I am very sorry for all the devastating memories today brought back for you. You write so eloquently about the heartache and anger. I know you don't think so right now, but you are incredibly strong, and I admire you for your perseverance and courage. May this one be THE one. ((HUG))

Anonymous said...

oh, honey. thinking of you lots today. you know i know the dissapointment of the thin lining issue. when was the last time it was measured? things are still a go right now, that's a positive. i have great hopes and tons of positive energy for you this cycle. you've come a long way since the fan pull :)


bunny said...

I wish it had turned out differently, too.

Your strength and "addiction to hope" have served you well and hopefully your happy ending will reveal itself soon.

Sending you hugs.

Jewels said...

(((zillion hugs)))
I'm so sorry you are going through this today under these conditions.
I didnt realize our Due dates were so close to each other, I found my self saying "If only things were different". Your in my thoughts.

Jill M. said...

I'm so sorry that only time has advanced. This is so not fair, you should be celebrating instead. Hugs to you, hang in there!

Shelby said...

My dear friend, I hate that the world, in all of it's complete and total injustice, leads someone as great as you down such a path of devastation. It angers me, too, so I understand your emotions. After so much loss, of course you became angry. It was less a lost tribute to your child than it was a natural reaction to endless suffering. And just because your grieving looked different that time around does not mean it was any less.

But still, you are here. You are brave for still standing here when most would have backed away long ago. And although I hear that hope is becoming slippery right now for you (such is the roller coaster), you have others, here and in real life, who are holding out real, solid hope for you still. I am one of them! Consider me the official cheerleader of Nikki's FET. Gooooooo Embies!

DAVs said...

I'm so sorry that this date has to come and be such a painful reminder. Sending you big hugs, and hoping very very soon you have joyous news.

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,

You are doing so well, and you have been incredibly strong. We are here for you.

Chhandita said...

I have always loved your poems....I know how it feels. I still feel the same about my loss...But am sure this is the cycle for you and am praying with all I have for you and your DH... ((Hugs))

Sarang said...

Nikki, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling now. I hope this "funk" cloud passes quickly so you can move forward next week with a ray of hope. You are one the most resilient people I know. You are strong. You are a fighter, and I hope you keep your spirits up through next week and the week beyond. I have high hopes for you and will be praying for you. Much love.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. You have been through so much. I know hope and I know how hope can make you feel, it isnt always joyous, it is dashed here and there with doubt, but I think if you look back on your experiences, hope always wins. It may not turn out how you expected, and I wish I had the reasons for why that is for some of us, but I know you can make it. It is your time.
Listen to hope, it is what keeps us going.
Much love friend.

Tori said...

I know there is nothing I can say to heel your broken heart, but I'm so very very sorry for all you have been thru. I really feel strongly that this FET will be it for you sweetie! Stay strong and we all love you!


margelina said...

Big, Giant ((((HUGS)))) Nikki. I am sorry for all you have had to endure.

Clio said...

Nikki, dear, I don't even know what to say...
just here for you, virtual arms wide open, for a big, huge hug.
Real heart full of sorrow for your pain and sending much love to you.

MamaSoon said...

Some anniversaries aren't good ones. I am sorry you had to be reminded of this painful loss.

Anonymous said...

((HUGS))... and more ((HUGS))
That is all I can say to you. Some dates bring so much sadness into our lives. But your strength and courage to move on with life and take the next step is what will keep you going. Hope this gets easier with time.
I really really hope your FET works. Thinking of you..

Brobe said...

Nikki, I wish today would have been different for you, the way it should have been. I know nothing can erase what you've gone through but your hope and the fighter- inside-you has kept you going this far. You've placed your best foot forward at each step in this long journey and I'm wishing with all hope that this cycle will end that long journey and make your dream of a baby come true.