I shouldn’t be here right now writing this. Today shouldn’t have been the way it is. I should have been 40 weeks pregnant, in active labor, or waiting to be in labor, or with a brand new infant. Nothing about this should have turned out the way it did.
I still have a copy of the “Save the date” email I sent to my brother, sister and their spouses: “The bun is in the oven. It is expected to be ready on 2/24/09”.
The oven turned out to be faulty, and the poor bun has long since gone, and is nowhere close to being ready.
Prima facie, life has moved on. But when you look, only time has moved on. I’m still where I was when all of this started. We wanted a baby then. We still want a baby now. We are still here, wanting, and waiting.
And sadly, my third loss didn’t even get a fitting tribute from me. All I felt was stunned anger. With my first loss I was a heartbroken mess. With my second, deep deep sadness (albeit with the “solace” that it was a chemical pregnancy, and under normal circumstances we may not have known that it had even happened). The third loss – nothing. Just plain anger and frustration.
I reasoned with myself that I didn’t react the same way with my third loss as with my first because we had not got to see a heartbeat ever. Whatever be the reason, my baby did not get the love and honor it deserved – not even from me, and I feel bad about that today.
I write poems when I’m emotional – and I wrote and dedicated one each to my first and second losses (they are here and on my side bar). But I have not written poetry since then. I have no words to describe the numbness in my heart.
And yet, I’ve stayed addicted to hope, trying to plod on and come out victorious over IF. That’s what took us to CCRM and through this excruciatingly long last IVF cycle. That was June/July 2008, and this is the end of Feb 2009. Long IVF cycle, yes?
I had been making myself feel totally positive for the FET. Then my cousin’s news came and threw me into a funk mentally. And then my lining check last week was the frosting on the nasty cake. Try as I might, I’ve not been able to get back into feeling positive about my FET.
I’m tired. I know that if my FET doesn’t work, I won’t have the strength to try again (can’t even think of another FET at this point). And I know that if the FET works and something goes wrong with the pregnancy again, I won’t know how to find the strength to carry on with life.
I guess I’m just feeling low today, and I wish today had turned out differently for DH and me.
Sanctus…Some Free Associations
4 days ago