Thursday, February 26, 2009

Still a no-go

I'm trying to process my failure right now, and I don't know what to say.

My lining today was still at 4.9 mm. EXACTLY the same as last week. My local RE (he's been helping with all my monitoring here) said he's sorry. He thinks it could be because of the surgery, because he knows how my lining has grown for 3 IVF cycles with him.

We walked out of the clinic assuming we were being cancelled. I didn't even do my morning dose of estrace today.

And the nurse called - pretty late by their usual routine. It was after 5 PM in CO when she called. And she said they want to try me for one more week. I was expecting to be cancelled, but she said lets try it one more time.

So now I have to continue my 4 patches every other day, increase the estrace suppository to three times a day, and add an intramuscular estrogen injection twice a week to the mix. If the lining still hasn't responded by next week, I'm getting cancelled. I also decided to do acupuncture, even if it is absolutely last minute. But I need any help that it can give me at this stage. I've scheduled an appointment for Saturday.

I'm tired of the games IF is playing with me. EVERY fucking thing that can go wrong, HAS gone wrong at some point or the other. EVERY damn thing! This morning DH and I actually had a very serious conversation about possibly proceeding further with a GC. Someone with a proven womb. Not me. My womb can't be trusted.

I'm giving it this last one week for things to improve. If not, I give up. I don't have the stamina to fight any more. I'm tired and I need a break.

I have a lot of things on my mind, and will write a more detailed and coherent post later. Right now my thoughts are rushing out over each other, and I'm feeling very jumbled, defeated and confused.

My uterus can't grow a lining - how on earth will it grow a whole baby???

31 comments:

Lavanya said...

I'm so sorry,I can see your pain and frustration; I know it will be hard to face all these challenges at this last minute. But dont give up hope yet, you have come a LONG way for this.Fingers crossed for you next week Good Luck and take care. If you need to talk give me a ring.

DAVs said...

OK, take a deep breath. I know this is so disappointing, but, like your RE pointed out, in the past you've grown a nice lining. And you have beautiful perfect embryos waiting, so that's a huge hurdle that you've overcome. Hopefully the acupuncture and stepped-up meds will do the trick. Don't be hard on yourself...some definite pampering should be coming your way!

margelina said...

Big Big (((hugs))) I am so so sorry that this just be easy for you. I pray for your lining to get into shape and grow, and I'm praying for you to summon the strength to soldier on.

Lisa said...

Oh I am so, so sorry - this process is so exhausting and trying. I hope that your lining gets with the program ASAP - do what you need to do to get through the next week.

((HUGS))

Sue said...

Nikki- I am so so sorry about the delay. Can I ask - if you don't get to transfer this cycle, is it likely your lining will grow better a month or two from now? Is it because the surgery is so recent? I just was really looking forward to your cycle AFTER they figured out (duh) what was wrong and fixed it!!!

I am sending good lining vibes your way. And, rant on please, I think you have every right to be upset and angry and scream it at the top of your lungs. IF is never fair, and is unusually bad right now. But please don't lose hope, you've come so far!!!

Fashionably Infertile said...

You are in my thoughts. Try to hang on. I know it seems impossible right now. Hopefully the more meds will do the trick. You have produced a great lining in the past and if your RE didn't think you could pull it off...they would of cancelled you. Sending you a big CYBER HUG!

Sue said...

Oh - and I tagged you in my post today:-)

strongblonde said...

oh nikki. wtf? did they measure more than once? it's soooo subjective. how can it be the same as last week? i know this frusteration all too well. glad you decided to do the acupuncture. tell them you need major help with a uterine lining. and ask for the blow torch. seriously. my lining literally doubled overnight. it NEVER grew before that. who knows what voodoo actually works.

i've been thinking about you a lot. please know i'm sending tons of positive vibes your way!
xoxo

Jill M. said...

I'm so frustrated for you!!! Hang in there, let's hope another week does the trick. Hugs!

Brobe said...

So sorry, this is really hard, and its harder to not be affected by all this. You have fought all battles with hope and I wish you all the strength and energy to hold on to that ray of hope. I'm praying that this week will be different and the lining thickens. Its good that you are starting acupuncture. I'm rooting for you Nikki and sending wishes your way {{HUGS}}

Shelby said...

Nikki, I am so sorry to hear this. I can only begin to imagine the disappointment and continuing heartbreak, especially as they threaten to steal the resolve that you have left. But remember, it's not over yet. Don't give up on your body or yourself.

With just E.strace, the docs weren't incredibly aggressive, but now they're getting out the big guns and as someone who has miraculously produced 31 eggs, you know the power of meds firsthand! With the acupuncture and your new protocol, you could be very, very surprised.

It's easy for me to tell you to keep your hopes up, but I have good feelings for you. Let us carry your hope if you're not able. Take care and I send **hugs** until I can give you one in person.

Lorraine said...

I'll think fat cushiony thoughts for you this week. Souffles, down comforters, Marie Antoinette's hairdos...

I hope you just need another week to plump up!

mylifechronicles said...

I am soo sorry. This sucks! This has worked for you before and it should work for you again. I am thinking positive thoughts for you and am sending you tons of thickening vibes!! ((HUGS))

Sarang said...

Nikki, I am really sorry to hear about this further delay for you. I, like the others, hold out hope that your doctor would not add another week if they didn't think it could help. And I had a similar thought as Sue commented...maybe your body needs some more time post-surgery to get back it's former lining thickness. I know that would just mean further delays though and not something you care to think about right now.

For now, I send a little prayer for you!~~~

Anonymous said...

Do consider starting acupuncture right away..I have heard it to help..fingers crossed for you..

Love and hugs
Heavy heart

Chhandita said...

fuck, you so don;t deserve this girl... but a lot can happen over a week...we are all here for you NIkki...(hugs)

mlg- believe N miracles said...

OH Nikki, I am so sorry, I know how hard it is to keep going, dont give up yet. You have 4 beautiful embies, and they are waiting for you. I hope the change in meds does the trick for you. We are all here waiting with you, just a little longer, I know the waiting is torture. Much love, I wish I could give you a big hug!

Linda said...

Oh sweetie. {{{HUGS}}} I know you're disappointed. CCRM, the best clinic in the whole United States IMHO, hasn't given up on you -- so you shouldn't give up on yourself.

Here's another perspective. Should you get canceled this cycle, at least you wouldn't have "wasted" the embies on a not-so-perfect lining. And perhaps the next cycle will be better.

But I'm still holding out for this cycle to work for you. Sending perfect lining vibes your way. :)

Anonymous said...

I would not label any process as a failure or success, because one does not really know all sides. It is a matter of perception of the mind.

Look at the whole situation rationally. CO team wants you to try after one more week. Please try any of these procedures with a positive frame of mind.

After one week, you can think of several different options,pick one and turn the others down. Still, you are a winner,either way.

Don't lose hope. Who knows what will happen next week? Try..

sending loving thoughts to you..

Shilpa

momsoon said...

Nikki- I know exactly the frustration/racing brain-i-can't-fight-anymore feeling you describe and am sorry you are going through this...I am so happy you can blow that off on your blog to us who have been there...

I think it takes so much out of us to get pumped up enough to even try again, so any possible set back can feel like the preverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

I will say though, that what your re is saying is really important- he knows that your lining normally thickens and that the surgery might explain why it's taking longer--CO is saying it may even happen this week-they would not say that if it wasn't a possibility.

For now, comfort yourself, try to hang on, lean on us and know that we are sending you prayers and hugs...and an ass kicking to your lining to thicken the hell up. :)

Darya said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. (((HUGS))

I hope you get better news next week but if not, take the break. You will feel refreshed once you are ready to start again.

Miss Tori said...

I'm so sorry Nikki about this setback. I'm sending you virtual hugs right now.

Have you talked with Dr. Sch about adding viagra to the mix? I know I mentioned this before, but it has been shown to help increase the blood flow to the region, therefore helping with the lining.

Jewels said...

Hunny I'm so sorry (((big cyber hugs))) It's just not fair.

Misty Dawn said...

I'm so sorry Nikki....

(((((((((HUGS)))))))

Well we've got another week. Hopefully, the accu will help out.

JJ said...

Oh no!!!!!! Big hugs. Could this be any more difficult? I'm so sorry, sweetie. Let's hope that your lining wakes up. I think acu is a great idea. Try not to give up hope. When the nurse said cancel, what did she mean? Cancel and try next cycle, cancel indefinitely? GC is something to explore, as you say, but I so hope this won't be necessary. xxxxxx

Angie said...

Oh dang, I am so so sorry! Your lining has been good in the past, so try to hang in there and don't give up. Hoping the stepped up meds and acu-p do the trick!!! ((((HUGS))))

Sue said...

I am really sorry and things are not going the way they are supposed to. Take a deep breath. Definitely try accupucture as it really helps with building up the lining. I will be praying for you. (((((Hugs))))

Becky said...

Hi, I wanted to write a quick comment that accu can do wonders in a week. last month my accu guy was able to tell I had a thin lining and did a whole different session so hopefully yours will do too. I think accu can make a difference even if you go 1-2 times. Good Luck.

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,

I am thinking of you sweetie. You are doing well, and you are so strong. Just take one day at a time. We are here for you!

Kymberli said...

Shit, Nikki. I wish I knew what to say and I wish there was something that I could do. This shit just doesn't get any easier. It's always worse when our bodies screw with us in unexpected ways. We learn to deal with the things that are typical for us, but when something that we usually can depend on goes awry, it's a whole new mindfuck entirely.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that your lining grows the way that it should in the next week.

I hope that you will not ever need to go to such an extreme as surrogacy, but you know that if you have any questions you can always come to me and I'll help you out in whatever way that I can.

Hugs.

fruitbowl said...

So sorry your body is not doing as it's told. How dare it?? Sending you lots of positive vibes for fat plumpy lining stuffs! How bout if you eat cake? Just a thought. (Oh no, just remembered your weight post!).

I'm thinking of you and hope you get some good news next week. Thanks for popping by my bloggy. x