Friday, February 27, 2009

Answers to some questions

Thanks so much to all of you for responding to my last post. I loved all the WTF responses! Sometimes that's all one needs to put a smile on ones face. That and maybe a few shots of tequila would put a nice big smile on ones face. But oh, no alcohol, sorry. :-)

Today is a new day, and I've been doing a lot of thinking. With the amount of estrogen being pumped into my body right now, it's a little hard to even think straight actually. But I'm trying.

First and foremost - a lining problem is a trivial problem in the large scheme of things. I understand that. The bigger battle has been fought and won. We have 4 normal blasts on ice waiting for us. They aren't going anywhere. Therefore we do have the luxury of time.

Having said that, it brings me back to the fact that I now have a lining problem. That bothers me because I never had a problem making a lining before. While it's a small thing, it's just one more problem to tackle. Every time we find a problem and fix it, and we think that we've identified the issue, and NOW things will get better, a new problem pops up. Every single time. And like some of you said - it takes a lot of stamina to get up and face a new issue with everything else that's going on!

Some of you asked me if it could be because of the fact that my surgery was so recent. Answer: I don't know. My surgery was 4 months ago, at the end of October. If I get cancelled next week, and we have to start all over again, will I make a better lining? I don't know.

My gut feel? I feel that the surgery could be causing my uterus to scar. My body creates scar tissue. I know that from my knee injury / surgeries. I had one knee surgery, and it ended up becoming 4 knee surgeries because of the scarring that kept happening. I knew that, and I had told Dr. Sch that I was worried about doing the surgery because my uterus may develop scar tissue. (He had said if there is scarring, it happens immediately after the surgery, and to prevent that, he was using that balloon {remember my fan pull tail?}) And it's not just the one surgery. I've had a couple of D&Cs as well. Now I don't know if my uterus is developing scar tissue or not. But I feel like this may be the reason. And if this is the reason, then I probably won't make a thicker lining next month either.

Tori - you asked about Viagra. I asked the nurse last week when I was being postponed the first time. She said being on Viagra for one week may not make a difference. At that time she was pretty sure the estrace suppositories was all my body needed.

I have always talked about how my body responds well to medication, haven't I? Well, apparently it doesn't. I mean, to not grow even 1mm after being a week on estrace is weird. Strongblonde, you asked if they measured multiple times. Yes, the RE measured again and again. My uterus is retroverted and sometimes it's hard to get a lining measurement, so he takes several readings each time any way.

How am I doing? I know some of you have said time and again that I need to think positively. You know, I can't make myself do that. I'm a rational person, and I like to keep my hopes up, but I like to be realistic. If I feel positive, great, and if I don't, I can't make myself do it. And my gut is not jumping up and down with positivity right now. We'll see how it does over the course of the week. In the meantime, I'm doing all the medication etc that is required. And I'm doing it all diligently.

So I'm doing ok. I'm willing to give it one more week. But I'm being realistic about it. If I grow a beautiful lining next week, HURRAH!! If I don't, I'm taking a break. The entire past year has been devoted to IVFs and in the process, I have reduced myself to nothing but my IF. I have let it shake my self esteem, my confidence in my body, in my abilities. If next week brings bad news, then I'm going to side-step a little. I need to take a breather, regain some of my life back.


Caroline said...

This has been a very difficult road for you. You have been inspiring in the way you have handled every single problem that has developed along the way. It's not fair, and you don't deserve this. You're a fighter, that's for sure.
Thanks for your comments on my blog. I'm definitely taking them on board.

Lisa said...

Well said. I am so much like you - if I feel positive great - but I am much more realistic. I know people try to help when they tell me to stay positive but - my blog especially - is the place I can vent and just bitch and moan about everything so I can make it through my normal life as positively as I can!

It sounds like you are doing everything you need to do. Thinking of you!

DAVs said...

You're right--feel however you need to feel. Every bit of this journey sucks and I'm sorry this part is holding you back. But I am happy that you have the luxury of time--and who knows what great surprise next week's check might bring?

Anonymous said...

i know the lining frusteration. it totally sucks. can't make eggs? ok...we'll give you this med. can't ovulate on your own? don't worry we can take them out. sperm not great movers? no prob, we inject them right in. lining thin? uh....uh....maybe we can do this?? everything i tried resulted in no growth. somehow this last cycle i had a somewhat "normal" lining overnight. it doubled. who knows. i wish it was easy though. we have all of these ways to fix the other issues, but nothing great here.

thinking lots about you. great big hugs!!!

Anonymous said...

I am sending you a big cyber hug!

bunny said...

Nikki- I so wish things were different for you! I'm really impressed with your balanced approach today-- mostly because what you are going through is enough to throw one into a complete fit and justifiably so. Hoping for a growth spurt this week...

Shelby said...

Hang in there, my friend! Let us give you a little 'tea time' strength tomorrow to get through...and of course, a lot of understanding from ladies who get it.

By the way, I've never heard of Viagra helping lining? You learn something new everyday!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree, you cant make yourself feel a certain way. I admire you for thinking through all the options, coming up with plans and being diligent in the meantime.

Sometimes it feels like it would be so much easier to just get of the IVF/IF train and have a few tequila shots!

Thinking of you, Nikki!

Darya said...

Hang in there sweetie . Hoping for awesome news this week. (((HUGS))

nancy said...

You know all the issues I had with my lining - all directly related to my surgeries and scar tissue. I've already told you my protocol, which so far, has been more than what they've done for you. So if you have any questions, drop me a line.

~hugs~. I know how you feel.

margelina said...

Good for you for knowing what is best for you. So important to take care of yourself. I hope this week has the outcome you desire!!

Sky said...

Infertility is a big bag of sh*t - anyway you look at it. I am so sorry it's going especially tough for you lately and that your lining is not cooperating.

I hope Dr. Sch can get to the bottom of it quick!

MamaSoon said...

Argh, Nikki! I am so sorry things have not run smoothly in the FET prep so far. Trust your gut. And I totally relate to stuff going wrong all the time. It is really frustrating. Especially when we try so hard to stay positive. How many Murphy's Law moments can one take? I am rooting for you.

Chhandita said...

I love your attitude!!! Am the same, can't force myself to feel positve when am not, no matter what people say!!!

Lets just take one step at a time... life is easier that way... ((hugss))

Dora said...

Nikki, hang in there. BTW, I heard of a recent study that says positive thinking doesn't do shit! Bitch all you want. We're here.

Anonymous said...

Dearest Nikki,
IF is not fair and you deserve this so much!
I wish there was something I could say that would help...
You are such a strong, inspiring woman!
Don't ever give up on your dreams!

momsoon said...

You know, I won't give you a WTF because (maybe things have changed now)after reading you last post I think what is in order is a little ' f**k it!

Yeah, somtimes during this fertility battle all that makes me feel better is an emphatic F**k IT.

For me, that sums up my frustration when I am trying so hard to do everything right (shots timed perfectly, no caffiene/dairy etc., in bed early, positive visualisation- you name it, I'm doing it) and road blocks seem to block my every move.

Totally get it.

Still rooting that lining shapes up, but if not def. taking a little time off always does me wonders. I cannot be thinking of this stuff all of the time. I lose myself and all joy.

In fact, this is the attitude I am trying to have even while 'in' the process. (she said as she sipped on her 3rd coffee...)

Thinking of you-thicken the hell up lining-keep us posted!!! peace.

Clio said...

Nikki, you're right, this absolutely sucks. And if you can't find it in yourself to be positive and bubbly, then you aren't and that's totally fine. I'm so sorry your body is not responding like usual to the medication. I guess you are right when you say that if you are not ready this time, that you'll take a break before starting again. I now just had proof of how we respond better to medication when we are less hung up and anxious about things. I'm still hoping these next few days bring you better news. But in case they don't, we are here for you. Supporting any decision you make.

Lisa said...

Hey girl - I nominated you for an award on my blog - how are you doing?