Monday, February 2, 2009

Incoherent rambling

Isn't it natural to be stressed? I mean, we aren't playing cards here. Isn't not a fun endeavor. It's not something we're trying for the heck of trying it. We've invested close to 8 years of our lives towards this goal. Isn't it natural to feel anxious? 

DH and I have been married for close to 12 years, and TTC for close to 8 of those. We have been TTCing for 75% of our married lives! Roadblock after roadblock, we've stumbled onwards, sometimes hopeful, sometimes not. And now, as we come to the end of our journey (whichever way it ends), we're torn, tired, vulnerable and yes, we're stressed. 

I've put my body through 5 IVF cycles - i.e., 5 retrievals, 108 eggs retrieved, 6 embryos/blastocysts transferred, 3 BFPs, 3 losses, 2 D&C procedures, uterine surgery, and innumerable shots and hormones. Is it fair to expect myself to stay "unstressed"? Is it even possible? 

Despite everything, right now, I'm feeling extremely blessed, and extremely fortunate to have the luxury of 4 normal blastocysts to choose from for this FET. I'm feeling very calm about that - about the procedure per se. Yes, my mind is swinging from very positive thoughts to extremely hopeless ones. And I cut myself some slack - I know it is natural to worry. It is natural to hope, yet worry. 

I worry that this cycle will not work. Then I find myself "knowing" that it will work. Once I reach there, I worry that things will go wrong again (just like they have, each time I've got a BFP in the past). 

Over the last few days, I've had numerous conversations with people who have told me that I need to think positive. Don't stress. Be calm. And each time, after these conversations, I find myself more agitated than I was before those conversations began. I feel like I'm projecting a stressed out, panic struck aura, and that is causing people to give me those "lectures". 

Wouldn't I be unreal if I were able to skip along my days without a care? Wouldn't I be weird if I did NOT stress? I'm a little tired of people "worrying" about my stress levels. That stresses me out more! 

Again, I've been feeling very relaxed mentally since our vacation, and since we got the PGD results. And unfortunately, it is now, when I'm feeling calm, when people are telling me to relax!!!! 

I'm sorry if my post is rambling - I'm feeling ruffled mentally, and I'm not being able to collect my thoughts very coherently right now. 


Earl Gearl said...

I totally understand what you are saying. I hate the words "just relax" without all the stuff you've been through. It just never comes off as caring and thoughtful as one wants it to and it does just make one stress more.

I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

Sarang said...

When I saw you, you looked beautifully recharged and refreshed. You did not look like you needed to "just relax" because you already looked relaxed! You looked happy and positive.

So, don't let anyone get you down.

One of the final remaining friends I just told about our IF situation said "Just don't stress and it will all work out."

I almost went off on her.

And, then, after a fews days and some reflection on it, I thanked her for sending kind words and caring about me and left it at that.

You know your friends/family care for you, but they most likely just do not know the "right words" to say to you right now.

Take their good wishes for you...and leave their unnecessary/unknowing yet well-meaning comments behind.

ps - and most of all, as your aptly named blog indicates...try to ride this roller coaster as best you can and go with the highs (and inevitable lows)

Feel free to ignore me as a well-meaning but possibly clueless friend! :)

Jill M. said...

Nikki, enjoy the calm during this IF storm and don't let anyone take that from you. I know how incredibly irritating it is to hear "just relax", but don't let them steal your peace. Enjoy this little relaxing kiddie coaster you're on right now. Hugs!

Angie said...

You are absolutely right, it is natural to stress and be stressed. As Sarang said though, if you can view those comments as good wishes and well-intended, and leave it at that, maybe that will help?? As you know, unless you've went through IF, people don't understand and they do not realize when they say those simple words, it actually hurts more. Sending a big cyber-hug!!!!!

Lisa said...

I am the same way - if I try to relax too much that stresses me out even more. I just try to do what I can - I love to read, eat and do what I want when I want. Just do what makes you feel better - even if that means stressing out.

I really, really hope this is it for you.

April said...

so glad that you feel so good right now. i am in the same boat.

you have been through so much. you continue to be an inspiration.

MamaSoon said...

it is normal, normal, normal. people say silly things instead of saying, "I am so sorry to see how hard this is on you. I wish you much peace." Is that so hard?

Dora said...

I am totally with you on this, Nikki. It just makes me more agitated to be told I need to relax so my cycle will work.

BTW, I think our cycles are going to work. ;-)

Chhandita said...

You are only normal to stress....People mean well am sure, its just that they are clueless about how to deal with IF related issues. They need soem education if i may say so...

Caroline said...

Hi Nikki,

I think it is so normal to feel the way you do at the moment. You have invested so much time and energy into TTC. Of course you are going to feel this way. Hang in there - you are so close!

nancy said...

Yeah, screw those just relax people. I stressed out more than I ever had in my entire life during my FET cycle!

I Believe in Miracles said...

People can just say the wrong things sometimes (including me!). I hope you can just let it roll off your shoulders and enjoy this time. I'm praying for you!!

Anonymous said...

You are a true inspiration! It is literally impossible not to worry or stress about IF. We have invested so much time and energy and our lives into this fight. Sending you peace with every step.

Anonymous said...

It is completely natural to be stressed, at least I think so!

Cherish your moments of calm and hope, believe in them.

Hear My Cry said...

What a wilderness you've been in. 8 years is a long time. You are entitled to how you feel. People can't understand when they haven't been there. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I am lifting you up in prayer today and praying the Lord fill you with His ever sweet presence. Praying that He opens your womb! Hugs!

Sue said...

I think it is totally normal to be stressed. You just can't help it. I am a yoga teacher and can't seem to figure out how to not stress during these cycles (yup, on to my 7th fresh IVF in a couple of weeks!). So, be how you are going to NOT stress about being stressed and how that will impact things...and no matter what you do, don't beat yourself up for how you are feeling. Just try to "be". Very yogic, yes?