DH and I have been married for close to 12 years, and TTC for close to 8 of those. We have been TTCing for 75% of our married lives! Roadblock after roadblock, we've stumbled onwards, sometimes hopeful, sometimes not. And now, as we come to the end of our journey (whichever way it ends), we're torn, tired, vulnerable and yes, we're stressed.
I've put my body through 5 IVF cycles - i.e., 5 retrievals, 108 eggs retrieved, 6 embryos/blastocysts transferred, 3 BFPs, 3 losses, 2 D&C procedures, uterine surgery, and innumerable shots and hormones. Is it fair to expect myself to stay "unstressed"? Is it even possible?
Despite everything, right now, I'm feeling extremely blessed, and extremely fortunate to have the luxury of 4 normal blastocysts to choose from for this FET. I'm feeling very calm about that - about the procedure per se. Yes, my mind is swinging from very positive thoughts to extremely hopeless ones. And I cut myself some slack - I know it is natural to worry. It is natural to hope, yet worry.
I worry that this cycle will not work. Then I find myself "knowing" that it will work. Once I reach there, I worry that things will go wrong again (just like they have, each time I've got a BFP in the past).
Over the last few days, I've had numerous conversations with people who have told me that I need to think positive. Don't stress. Be calm. And each time, after these conversations, I find myself more agitated than I was before those conversations began. I feel like I'm projecting a stressed out, panic struck aura, and that is causing people to give me those "lectures".
Wouldn't I be unreal if I were able to skip along my days without a care? Wouldn't I be weird if I did NOT stress? I'm a little tired of people "worrying" about my stress levels. That stresses me out more!
Again, I've been feeling very relaxed mentally since our vacation, and since we got the PGD results. And unfortunately, it is now, when I'm feeling calm, when people are telling me to relax!!!!
I'm sorry if my post is rambling - I'm feeling ruffled mentally, and I'm not being able to collect my thoughts very coherently right now.