This whole past year, I have struggled with my faith. A lot. I have never been a very religious person, but I have always had a faith which was strong enough. This year, that faith faltered. I could not come to terms with the fact that God was putting me through so much. He knows I'm suffering. He knows I'm doing my best. He still chooses to test me.
I prayed, I promised, I fasted, I cried. Then when things went wrong again, I sulked, I got angry. Finally I stopped knowing how to communicate with God, and my silence filled the house.
Today, I have a strong feeling of God being with me. Today I feel like He is telling me to leave it to Him. I feel like He will take care of it all.
I spoke with CCRM this morning. They said they would need written authorizations from the new insurance that my IVF will be covered. But they also said that the insurance company will not give them written authorizations until I am an active member. They wanted details of the benefits plans and any subscriber id or account number that I could get. They said if I followed up myself after 1/1 for the written approvals, we will probably get them quicker. If CCRM asks the insurance company, it could take weeks for the approvals to come. So of course, I will personally follow up with the insurance.
CCRM also said that they do participate in BCBS programs, so they will figure out which one in particular my coverage will come through.
My HR manager has sent me the summary of the benefits, and is working on getting the other information for me.
I am currently waiting to hear back from the nurse at CCRM to see if they will help me increase my prescription or if they suggest that I pre-fill my refills. We shall see how that goes.
For the first time in this entire struggle, I feel like God will carry us on His shoulders through all this. He has thrown a hurdle in our way to make us look up and realize that he is, in fact watching out for us.
I don't know how everything will pan out, but I feel like it will. Somehow. It will.
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I have been tagged, and I also have a blog award to talk about. I will do that soon. I promise! In the meantime, I am also getting set to go to Denver on Wednesday for my post op hysteroscopy. Lots happening here!
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10 comments:
Oh goodness, what a freaking crappy thing about all the red tape. Sorry - hope it works out.
Sending you a HUGE HUG!!!
I pray that everything will work out. It's amazing how much I freak out about things, and yet they work out just fine, or even better than I planned.
~~HUGS~~
Thank you for this wonderful post. YOur faith and hope in this situation are contagious. GL at your follow-up.
That is my favorite prayer/poem. My grandpa used to read it to me all the time.
It's so hard to have faith during all this. But I'm praying hard that your miracle will be here soon.
GL in Denver Wednesday!
arg. those darn politics!!
hope things go well in denver.
thinking of you, xoxo
I'm sending you lots and lots of good karma that this whole insurance mess gets straightened out. I'm so proud of you for not giving up. You are such a role model. I wish you all kinds of luck in Colorado! I hope everything checks out perfectly.
-sharon
Hang in there Nikki..you are doing good..lots of love and prayers for you.
It's true that once you feel like you cannot go on any longer...somehow you find the strength to go ahead. This process is a HUGE test of faith. I try to remember if God brings you to it he will bring you through it.
Oh I love that poem! It is so hard to keep the faith sometimes, but I don't think faith ever goes away. I've once been told that if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. You will get through this, I have faith in that.
You sound as if you are feeling more balanced. I am so glad!!! It is a relief to know that YOU KNOW you will get through this.
I love that you may really get to answer "4 more wishes" when someone asks you,"If you were to get 4 wishes, what would you wish for?" Not that you would need them, but what a nice thing to know that this may be in store.
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