Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Waiting

Father’s day 2008. I had POASed that morning, and seen 2 lines. This was from IVF #4, and we were to go for beta the next day.

Once my BFP was confirmed, we waited for the elusive u/s – 2 weeks after the second beta (by the way the betas had doubled – more than doubled NICELY!)

A little over a week after the second beta, I started getting a feeling that something wasn’t right. I don’t know – like a sixth sense. I had a little cramping. Not unusual. I had very very slight brown spotting. Not unusual again.

Then why did I feel something was wrong? I don’t know. I couldn’t wait another week for my u/s. So I called the doctor and requested to be seen earlier because of my “bad feeling”.

They agreed. Everything went south from there. No sac, or maybe a sac, come back in 2 days, let’s wait another week, no, we still don’t see anything, repeat your beta, come back in 2 days etc etc etc. Doesn’t look good, let’s do a D&C. HcG is still rising. Doesn’t look good, let’s give you methotrexate. HcG FINALLY begins to go down.

From then, I waited till almost the middle of August for my HcG levels to fall down to negative. My arms were sore from blood draws every 3 days. My heart was dead from what was going on. My brain was tired. Yet we waited.

Then we waited to regroup with the RE. Our RE suggested CCRM, and we discussed it, and I called for an appointment.

Then we waited for our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft.

Then we waited for AF to schedule our 1 day work up. (This was the only wait which was short).

Then, after the 1 day work up, we waited for AF to schedule my surgery.

Then we waited 6 weeks to go back for post op hysteroscopy.

Then we waited for 12/16 to arrive.

Today is exactly 6 months since the beta of my last IVF. I have been waiting 6 months to be able to move on.

Today I am waiting for the day to move on so it can be evening and I can do my injection and “officially” get started.

Everything about IF is all about waiting, is it not? We wait to get started, then we wait to find out the results – wait, wait, wait – always!

I wish I could look into a crystal ball or something and know what awaits us on the other side. It may make waiting unnecessary, or worth the while.

11 comments:

I Believe in Miracles said...

I think the waiting for something we have no control over is the pits. I hear you sista!
~~HUGS~~

PS - I didn't have a good enough picture... you'll just have to wait until tomorrow. :o)

Linda said...

Yay for officially getting started. I know you've been waiting what seems like forever and a day already. Good luck on your injection tonight! :)

PS. I want to thank you again for nominating me, for if you hadn't done that I might've just exploded. lol Yes, my last post does have a lot of sarcastic undertones. However, sarcasm has some sort of truth to it. :) I was having a very bad day, I'm usually pretty good at keeping it inside though.

Lisa said...

It is all about waiting - I am currently enjoying my wait until IVF3.5.

It is exciting to start - new hopes feel so good.

Dora said...

That's a great "waiting" post. I think I've written more than one. WAITING IS THE WORST! I can't believe I'm looking forward to more injections.

Gotta go pee on an OPK. :-l

margelina said...

I am very glad the day has finally come for you. Waiting is just a big old strain. on the heart

Mo and Will said...

Wow. You've been through it, girl.

I hate the waiting too. Currently waiting through the 2ww. AND I HATE IT.

Already have a very bad feeling about things. This is crazy, but I so hate waiting that I tried to schedule a preemptive WTF with my RE so that if monday's beta goes badly, could see him before christmas (figured I could cancel otherwise). his assistant told me today that he has no openings until Jan. 22 and that if I wanted an appt that day, "I better act fast because he was booking up." Uh, yeah. So more waiting.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Wish we could just speed up time until we could get the families that we are hoping for. Alas.

Mo

Chhandita said...

Yeah IF is all about waiting...even for us who has'nt reached d stage of IVF yet..waiting for Ovulation, waiting, for AF....endless....but hey patience is a virtue from what I heard..

mylifechronicles said...

Tell me about it. Waiting waiting and guess what... more waiting. But boy, 6 mos between IVFs is torturous. I am sorry that you had to go through it.
But YAY for starting the shots. I like new beginnings... they bring so much hope... don't they? GL!

Heavy heart said...

Yup.. putting your life on hold is the hardest thing one ever has to do! Especially given that impatient ambition is what has given us most of what we wanted..be it education, a b-school degree, a good job etc, even that loving husband :)..Just when you think you have got it in life..life turns around and asks you to wait..doing nothing. Hold on Nikki..may be the best is yet to come..

To A T said...

I hate all the waiting. It's a constant and it sucks!

Good luck on getting started though! :)

Rachel said...

That waiting IS the worst... especially since what we wait for is never an ending, it's always followed by more waiting. In other words, we *wait* to start a treatment cycle, then when we get there, we *wait* for blood test results, wait for the next u/s, wait for the next medication, wait to start progesterone, wait during the 2ww -- wait, wait, wait!!! ARG!!!