Sunday, December 28, 2008

The year in review

Dec 31, 2007 - We were in England, nearing the end of our WTF getaway after our m/c a few weeks before that. We spent New Years Eve with cousins at their home. It was a pretty quiet New Years Eve. We welcomed in 2008 with a strong hope of better things to come.

Jan 2008 - I continued to feel stressed at work. My job was client facing, and I needed to be projecting a smiling and happy face all the time, on phone and in person. I was finding that very hard to do, given that I didn’t have much to FEEL happy about. DH had quit his job a few months before that, and was working on launching a company. He was building the concept, and getting software development done. I needed to continue working to keep the money coming, and to continue my health insurance.

Feb 2008 - After a tough January, February didn’t seem to be getting better. The last straw was a discussion with my manager where she mentioned “Your team could have done better numbers in December”. I couldn’t believe that she was being so insensitive to what I had gone through in December. I had not even taken any time off after my D&C – I was back at work the very next working day! Had she mentioned my team’s numbers for January, I could have accepted that perhaps I was taking longer than usual to “get over it” and perhaps I should pull my act together and not let my work suffer. But to take things back to December was a bit too much for me. I also realized that if I was so stressed at work, I was not going to be in a positive frame of mind for my next IVF(s). And I was not getting any younger. I HAD to focus on my treatments and TTC more than anything else.

I spent the next few days thinking things through. We crunched our numbers to see if we could afford to live without a salary coming into the house. After several discussions between DH and me, and after several spreadsheets and number crunching sessions, our decision was made. I quit my job. We were scheduled to go to India for my brother’s wedding at the end of February, so I stayed on at my job till the end of February, training a couple of people to take over my role, transitioning out my clients and informing everyone that I was leaving (My manager wanted to tell the clients I was going on “leave for an indefinite period of time”, but I didn’t want to lie to anyone.)

March 2008 -  We were in India for my brother’s wedding. 2 nights before his wedding, we were all at a pub, drinking and dancing. I skidded on the floor, twisted my knee, and ended up with a stress fracture on my knee. I had to attend my only brother’s wedding in a full leg cast, on crutches! Further travel plans in India (to my hometown, to my in-laws’ place) were shelved. We tried to upgrade our economy return tickets to business class (because I couldn’t fold my leg to fit in an economy seat). Our cheap ass tickets could not be returned, upgraded, canceled or changed in anyway. So we ended up spending $6000 in new full priced business class tickets for both DH and me (the airline would not let me travel alone in business class!) And we had to get back because I had IVF#3 scheduled to start at the end of March.

We got back here, and asked my knee doctor if we could proceed with IVF. He allowed us to. We asked my RE if it was ok to go through IVF while I was still hopping around on crutches – and he said it was ok, as long as I was not on any medication.

So we proceeded with IVF # 3

April 2008 -  Chemical pregnancy. Low first beta, started falling at the second beta and was gone by the third. I was heart broken! But determined to get moving on. We scheduled IVF #4.

May 2008 -  I did acupuncture before starting stims for IVF#4.

June 2008 -  BFP!! We were overjoyed! Nicely doubling betas and everything seemed perfect. But even before the month was out, I had a strange feeling that something was not right. I requested for an early u/s, and they couldn’t find anything in my uterus. No yolk sac, no nothing. They repeated blood work and u/s a couple of times. No miracles happening in there.

July 2008 -  Plateaued HcG levels. I had numerous blood tests, while they waited for me to “miscarry on my own”. Finally on July 16, I had a D&C. HcG started rising after that! On July 18, I was given methotrexate to stop the growth of the embryo wherever it was – they weren’t able to find the embryo at all. The rest of the month was spent getting blood tests every second day, tracking my HcG down to 0. The process took 3 weeks!

August 2008 - WTF re-group with local RE, Dr. M. He suggested that we talk to CCRM (and I had been reading a lot about CCRM myself). We decided to go ahead, and had our phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft the same month.

September 2008 -  Went to Denver for our one-day work up. Dr Schoolcraft felt my uterus was abnormally shaped and that before we proceeded with further treatment, he wanted to increase the room in my uterus.

October 2008 - Traveled back to Denver for my uterine surgery to fix my “sort of T shaped uterus”.

November 2008 -  Waiting

December 2008-  Post op visit to Denver. My uterus looks good. I started my shots for IVF #5. As of right now, we have 2 days to go before we leave for Denver on the 31st!

So it’s been an eventful year, to say the least. A lot has happened. We have survived the year, curtailing our lifestyle, living on a lower budget. We have survived on our savings. We have built stronger foundations in our marriage. Our “fair weather friends” have disappeared (though I’m sure if we invite all those people for a party even today, they’ll be here in 10 minutes!!). Our “true friends” have emerged and stuck with us. We have launched our company, in the midst of a shocking economic downturn, which we had not anticipated. We have not made any money yet, but are keeping our fingers crossed!

We have our fingers crossed for many things in our lives at this point. We hope our company does well. We hope our IVF works out and we get to bring home a baby in 2009.

I have a lot of hopes for 2009. I hope I’m not disappointed. I know that like me, there are many of you out there who are hoping for miracles and BFPs and babies in 2009. I hope and pray for all of us. I hope 2009 is our year! 

13 comments:

margelina said...

Wow, you have really been through alot in one year's time! You have a wnoderful, hopeful, positive attitude and that is truly inspiring!! And the fact that you and your wonderful DH have been able to acomplish so much together during a time when it was probably very challenging. Good for you!
Can I ask...where could an embryo go that they couldn't find it? Did you ever get any answers as to what actually happened, or may have happened? I understand if you don't want to answer.
Hoping and praying with you that 2009 gives you everthing you've ever wanted!

margelina said...

Oh, and Nikki...LOL about your comment about micro-managers! That totally reminded me of Office Space! So, so true!!

mlg- believe N miracles said...

you have been through so much in 2008, I pray 2009 is better for all of us as well..... we all just need to hang in there as best we can and lean on each other.
i love your positive outlook, i have a good feeling about 2009.

DAVs said...

I so hope that CCRM is your miracle! You have had an awful year, which is a total understatement. Good luck!

Chhandita said...

Just came back to catch up on all the blogs... Hope you are doing good. And i soo love ur blog ;)

Lisa said...

What a year - you sound like a strong woman and it sounds like you have a great husband. I am so excited for you about CCRM!

April said...

oh, nikki! you've been through so much! what a year. (you did forget to mention the "tail" though). i am so hopeful that this is it for you!

yea for 2009!!!

(you were in london for dec 31 last year and denver this year!)

(also-thinking about trying this on my site, but it will be a lot of: did an iui, bfn; did another iui, bfn)

Dulce_Ghabrana said...

You have a lot to look forward to this year, & the law of averages has to give you a break.

Here's to sunshine & happiness.

Be mine, two oh oh nine!

Jill said...

Sounds like we've both had a crazy difficult 2008! 2009 has got to be our year! Hang in there! Hugs

bunny said...

What a year you had! I feel it though, 2009 is going to be a good one!

Shelby said...

Wow, what a year. I am really hoping and ever praying (which is a feat for a non-religious girl like me) that you have your dream fulfilled this year. Let 2009 bring us all better fortune.

the Babychaser: said...

Isn't it amazing how much can happen, how much can change you, in just a year?

Good luck in the new year. I so hope this cycle will be the one you've been waiting for.

Elle Charlie said...

Wow you had quite a year with a lot of roadblocks - I hope 2009 IS YOUR YEAR! And mine :)