Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Poetic venting

When I lost my first pregnancy in November last year, I was in so much mental pain and agony that I never thought it would be possible to heal. I wrote this to my daughter then (Testing revealed it was a girl). Only DH and one cousin have seen this before, and today for some reason I feel brave enough to share it with you all. 

"Empty Arms" - written on Dec 16, 2007:

You came into our lives
We thanked God for you each day
God had different plans
And He took you away

You were our biggest ray of hope
That so far we had seen
You made us Mommy and Daddy
Though short your stay has been

Your eight weeks were short
So quickly you were gone
We are left remembering your loss
When we were imagining you being born

We are left with empty arms
That were longing to hold you close
We are left with shattered hearts
Wondering why it wasn't us God chose

We hold on to your memories
With tears in our eyes
We wish we could turn back time
We wish God would hear our cries

Be safe, dear Angel
You were loved by Mom and Dad
We miss you and are so so sorry
You would have been the biggest joy we would have had.

Then in April 2008, I had a chemical pregnancy. At first I didn't feel anything, but over the next few weeks, there was an intense realization that I needed to acknowledge the fact that I had just lost a second baby. Even though it was a very early loss, it was a loss. That's when I wrote this. This one has been seen only by DH so far:

"Unborn" - Written in April 2008

Whose eyes would you have had?
Would you be like Mom or like Dad?
Would your hair be light or would it be dark?
No matter how you would be, you'd still be our spark

Are you sister and brother
Taking care of each other?
Or were you two little girls
Your Mommy's two little pearls?

I wish we could touch your tiny feet
I wish we could hear your heart beat
I'd give anything to be able to kiss your fingers
You left unborn, but your memory still lingers

There is no healing, time dulls the pain
Time can't stop me from thinking of you again and again
I've cried tears in silence, I've cried myself to sleep
Nothing to hold on to, only some memories to keep

You're in a safer place, is what Dadda tells me
But I want nothing more than to have you here with me
To hold, to love, to cherish and nourish
To finally see our dreams fulfilled and see our family flourish

We'll meet in heaven some day
When we can all get together and play
Till then, watch over us and see us through this fight
For sometimes we falter and it's hard to see the light.

This time around - no poems for the baby. I feel so dead inside. I feel numbed and shocked. Maybe it will all come back some day. Till then, there's prose! 

3 comments:

Earl Gearl said...

I have tears and I can't imagine. I nominated you for the pink rose award.

Moony said...

Nikki,

Your poems are so beautiful, so touching. Only a heart as beautiful as your can pen these words.

Both of them must be feeling the same intensity of emotions having lost this parent lottery. You are beautiful, and will make the loveliest mommy. Inshallah, that day will be soon.

I am crying and want to come and hug you.

Take care!

heavenlytini said...

i could feel your some of your pain throught those poems. you can just feel how they're straight from the heart. i'm so sorry for your losses. maybe one day when u start to get your feeling back you'll write one for your other angel baby!!!

i just wish there was something i could say but there isn't just know one day soon you will get to hold a baby in your arms and watch them grow!!!and your baby will have all 3 siblings looking down and looking out for him or her!!!i'm praying for you always!!!