These are my thoughts and ramblings as we plod through our quest to have a family. The ride has been loopy and we seem to be on a low more than on a high. Hopefully this too shall change someday.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Birds of a feather flock together
It’s so nice to meet a set of people that get it!
Shelby invited DH and me to have lunch with her sisterhood today. These are women Shelby met through her support group meetings and they decided to take their kinship beyond just the support group.
Of late, I have become extremely socially inadequate and deficient. I find myself avoiding meeting any new people, because I dread the “What about you? Are you married, do you have children?” part of the conversations.
When I told Shelby I was ready to join them, I confess that I was a trifle hesitant. But I decided to go anyway.
I am so glad DH and I went! These ladies all get it. They were all in my shoes! In fact, one of them introduced herself, saying “I’m so and so, and I’m extremely fertile.” I laughed and responded, “Try beating me at being fertile!”
There were laughs, jokes, stories shared and I felt such a comfortable camaraderie with all these ladies. I guess you know you had fun if you get home at 6 PM from lunch!
I’ve always hesitated going to any kind of support group. I felt it would be awkward talking about my IF to people I didn’t know. But if these are the kind of friendships that can be formed, I’m missing out on so much! Moreover, it’s easier to talk about IF to strangers that get it, than to try and explain to friends and family that don’t!
The great part was that a few of the DHs were there too, and it was great to hear their perspective to things too. It’s a rare moment when you find 3 men asking each other “How do you do with the shots?” and then hear them describe to each other how they do the shots. Very cute.
We are all now wearing the “Wear to make aware” pomegranate colored thread on our right hands. This is the common thread of infertility. I feel sort of empowered! ☺
Thanks Shelby for organizing this! Everyone else – it was so nice to meet you all!!
After a 12 year long bumpy ride on the infertility roller coaster, DH and I have recently adopted a baby boy. We pursued open adoption and with this match, our family has been blessed and expanded to include a very loving birth family. This blog is about our adoption story and living life as a trans-racial family.
I am 42, and I live in San Jose, CA with my DH, son and our German Shepherd, Simba.
2003: Saw RE. 3 more rounds of Clomid / 5 rounds of IUIs (2 with injectables) - All BFN. Time to move on to IVF - but our insurance didn't cover it, and we couldn't afford to do it out of pocket.
2004: I injured my knee - had to have 2 surgeries to reconstruct it. So TTC was on the back burner.
Also got new job with IF coverage on the insurance.
2005: IVF#1. 29 eggs retrieved, 21 fertilized, 15 survived till day 3. 2 embryos transferred, 13 embryos frozen. BFN.
2006: Break from TTC.
2007: Went back to RE and demanded explanation for our BFNs. We were unexplained - nothing was ever off in our tests. Demanding additional testing pushed them into checking our karyotypes. DH's came back with a balanced translocation.
Changed RE - went to one that would do PGD for us.
Thawed our frozen embryos - PGD revealed all abnormal. FET cancelled. This was August 2007.
Oct 07: Fresh IVF #2. 17 eggs retrieved - 10 survived for biopsy. 1 normal after PGD. day 5 transfer - BFP!!!! Beautiful heartbeat u/s etc. Unfortunately m/c in the 9th week. D&C Nov 07. No frozen embies.
March/ April 08: Fresh IVF #3. 14 eggs retrieved - 9 biopsied. 1 normal - but not of great quality. Chemical pregnancy - first Beta was 10, then 5. No frozen embies.
June 08: Fresh IVF#4 - 17 eggs retrieved - 11 biopsied. 2 normal - BFP. Turned out to be ectopic which could not be found on u/s.
First they did a D&C, and when my HcG rose after that, they gave me a methotrexate shot. It took weeks for my Hcg normals to return to negative. No frozen embryos.
August 08: Our RE wanted us to talk to CCRM - "fresh pair of eyes" etc. Consulted CCRM and they called us for a 1 day work up.
Sep 08: 1 day work up in CCRM - they found my uterus to be T shaped (Why nobody saw it in so many years will always be a mystery to me)
Oct 08: Surgery to fix the shape of my uterus.
Dec 08: Post op Hysteroscopy - my uterus now looks normal. We can proceed with IVF#5!
Jan 09: Fresh IVF#5 - 31 eggs retrieved, 24 mature, 14 fertilized via ICSI, 6 made it to day 5. PGD done on day 5. 4 blasts normal! This was a freeze all cycle.
Feb 09: Preparing for FET - lining would not grow. After being postponed week after week for 3 weeks, we cancelled the FET.
Mar 09: Went to Denver for hysteroscopy to rule out any scar tissue / adhesions etc in my uterus. Currently on break from prepping for FET. Will decide in a couple of months and continue from there.
"Unborn" - Written in April 2008
Whose eyes would you have had? Would you be like Mom or like Dad? Would your hair be light or would it be dark? No matter how you would be, you'd still be our spark
Are you sister and brother Taking care of each other? Or were you two little girls Your Mommy's two little pearls?
I wish we could touch your tiny feet I wish we could hear your heart beat I'd give anything to be able to kiss your fingers You left unborn, but your memory still lingers
There is no healing, time dulls the pain Time can't stop me from thinking of you again and again I've cried tears in silence, I've cried myself to sleep Nothing to hold on to, only some memories to keep
You're in a safer place, is what Dadda tells me But I want nothing more than to have you here with me To hold, to love, to cherish and nourish To finally see our dreams fulfilled and see our family flourish
We'll meet in heaven some day When we can all get together and play Till then, watch over us and see us through this fight For sometimes we falter and it's hard to see the light.
"Empty Arms" - written on Dec 16, 2007
You came into our lives We thanked God for you each day God had different plans And He took you away
You were our biggest ray of hope That so far we had seen You made us Mommy and Daddy Though short your stay has been
Your eight weeks were short So quickly you were gone We are left remembering your loss When we were imagining you being born
We are left with empty arms That were longing to hold you close We are left with shattered hearts Wondering why it wasn't us God chose
We hold on to your memories With tears in our eyes We wish we could turn back time We wish God would hear our cries
Be safe, dear Angel You were loved by Mom and Dad We miss you and are so so sorry You would have been the biggest joy we would have had.