Thursday, November 13, 2008

One more anniversary

This is the first time we saw our baby's heart beating, last year, today. 

Tears of joy streaming down my face.
Tears of joy streaming down DH's face.
DH holding my hand so tight that my fingers could have fallen off.
Me: speechless. Too many knots in my throat for anything sensible to come out.
DH: Also speechless. And then finally "Thank you Doctor"
Dr. M: Also speechless, but smiling like a proud grandpa. "Don't thank me, there is a higher power. Thank that power."

4 days later, on Nov 17, I woke up to bright red bleeding. We panicked and called the hospital. They called us in and did another u/s. See how much bigger the baby already was? She was doing well. Her heart was beating fine. 

This was the last time we saw our baby's heart beating, but we did not know that then. If we had known, we may have asked Dr. M to let us watch it longer. 

If we had a baby girl, she would be named "Aditi". In Sanskrit that means "Mother of God". She went too early to be with God, but we long for the day when we will all be together again. (Testing after the m/c did reveal it was in fact a girl - and that was what I had felt all along.)

(The pictures are a little grainy - but that's what we have. I have removed my real name to protect whatever is left of my identity - which is little, considering my most intimate details get discussed here!)


the Babychaser: said...

Do you think those anniversaries will ever stop hurting? I know some people don't ever want to forget, but I would love to reach a point where my lost ones were a distant memory, just a piece of my past that made me who I am and nothing more.

Thinking about you on your anniversary. Take care of yourself, and keep pushing forward.

nancy said...

Thinking of you all. ~hugs~

Darya said...

I'm sorry Nikki. Words cannot express how sorry I am and I don't know of any words that can make you feel better. I wish I did.

Take care my friend.

April said...

**great big hugs**
i'm thinking of you.

Lisa said...

What a sad day for you today. Anniversaries are so hard. I've never seen a line, let alone an US, but I can imagine how devasting it was for you to come so far and then lose your sweet little baby. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. And I hope that soon, your long struggle and perseverance will pay off, and you will be one day holding a precious baby in your arms.

I'm thinking of you today. And will say a prayer for your angel-baby.

Linda said...

There is nothing I can say to take away your sorrow, but know that I'm thinking about you and wishing you much success this upcoming cycle. *hugs*

Shelby said...

Oh, Nikki, I am feeling your pain. I am so sorry you never got a chance to meet your little one. It is such a cruel trick of fate to make us fight for so many years, let us get a taste of what we've always longed for, and then take it away a split second later. I know that when my time rolls around this next year, I will remember the dates and the feelings as if they were yesterday. Thinking of you as you remember...


Lorraine said...

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this at all. I can tell how much you loved those perfect moments, how much it meant to both of you to have that happiness before you.

Aditi is such a beautiful name - it seems like a special way to remember the time you were with her, to have that word as a talisman of your memory. It's lovely.

heavyheart2008 said...

Thinking of you today Niki..Today is the day I conceived my baby last year. Lost without a heartbeat 9 weeks later. If its any consolation..there are so many of us in this together. Aditi - a beautiful name.

I Believe in Miracles said...

Thinking of you sweetie. I'm sorry.

Sky said...

Hey there, thanks for stopping by to comment. I'm thrilled to hear you're off to CCRM - I really think if anyone can get an infertile pregnant, it's them. I'll be keeping up with you! Best wishes!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl.