Monday, November 10, 2008

Got Hope?

I’ve been trying really hard, but I’m finding it very hard to hold on to hope any longer. I know it all – think positive, believe in the power of vision – and believe me, I’m trying. I’m trying to be hopeful but I’m failing miserably.

I cannot help but wonder if I’m questioning fate too much. 7 years, failure after failure, heartache after heartache. Is fate not trying to say something? Am I not sticking my tongue out at it saying: “I’ll beat ya!!” But who’s stronger? Me or fate?

Lately I’ve been thinking if I may have been better off not going so far down the route of seeking treatment. I know someone who discovered she was having trouble with getting pregnant. This girl’s DH did not want to go to doctors and seek treatment. They have since then adopted 2 children and life has gone on for them. I know these decisions are personal to each couple. Why was it not such a “seemingly simple” decision for us?

Am I better off knowing the extent to which I know my IF, or is she better off – not finding out?

I’ve been wondering what will life be like if this last IVF doesn’t work out. What will “normal” be like? I shudder to think of that outcome. Yet, it is a very very possible outcome.

The thoughts in my head have been clouding up my brain so much in the past few days that it’s been hard to even put them into words. If this IVF doesn’t work, then what? Would we go back to being on birth control? This probably sounds like a completely stupid question, but in my scared mind, it isn’t. Given DH’s translocation, and the fact that only 36% of his sperm are of normal chromosomal makeup, there is a large possibility that we could have an embryo with an unbalanced translocation (in the rare even that we DO get pregnant on our own).

Are we ready for the trauma of possibly more miscarriages? How about the trauma of having a baby with special needs? DH’s translocation with his specific break points could (in extreme cases) lead to a child with an imperforate anus, or with kidney issues amongst various other developmental delays. More than the inconvenience to us, is it not a tragic life for the child? A baby with an imperforate anus will not live, but one with other milder issues could live. I would hate to be the one responsible for giving such a tragic life to my own baby.

What does one do? Go back on birth control? I know a couple of you reading this are dealing with translocation issues of your own. What would you do?

If I do get a BFP, I’m still going to be completely freaked out because how does one relax and enjoy a pregnancy any more? I am freaking out at the thought of a BFP as much as I am freaking out that it will fail. How do I calm my mind down? I just feel like I’m living Murphy’s Law – If anything can go wrong, it will.

So far it has…..


Lorraine said...

First things first - you have come a long way for your next chance, an opportunity for real hope and success.

It must be heart-wrenching to consider the possible outcomes of the translocation. I can only hope that the 36% cooperate and that someday you can live happily ever after with the family you want (and maybe the vasectomy that will save you from further worry!)and that someday you will be able to look back on all of this and know that it was worth it.

Shelby said...

Nikki, I know what it is to lose hope and I know what it is to hear 'think positively'. Yeah. It's so much easier said than done. Still, your story is still in progress. You mustn't forget this. You have a fresh new uterus just waiting to get another chance!

I'm a believer that fate is what it is. You cannot change it, therefore the path you're currently on is what was meant to be. Fate brought you this far-sent you to CCRM and fate will lead you to your next step, whatever that may be. Whatever is in your cards, I truly hope that it is filled with happiness. No, I know it is filled with happiness.

Miss Tori said...

Hugs, Nikki. I don't know the answers but I know the pain. You are in my thoughts.

April said...

All I can say is that you make it through. You never know how you can do it, how you can handle another negative, but you make it through. we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

i know this struggle is something i perseverate over often. B always asks why I can't focus on "now" and what is currently happening with our situation. I always think about the next step, what happens after that given all of the possible can definitely make you crazy.

i know it's not easy. i'm thinking about you....

Jewels said...

I relate to the fear of a BFP. I was thinking about that last night, if this works, it's sad that I have been robbed of the gift of relaxing and enjoying the pregnancy. Guess in a way we wait more to hear a baby cry than we do a BFP.

I love the support from the women in this post, I dont have many inspiring words, but I sure enjoyed reading theirs.
You’re in my prayers Nikki.

nancy said...

You can't do the "what if" dance. Your mind will never ever be able to relax. You are doing what you are doing because it's the best decision for you. Plain and simple.

Lisa said...

Oh Nikki, I know exactly what it's like to lose hope and fluctuate between hope and fear. It's so hard and anyone would question things. But I am pulling for you and rooting for you. And not giving up hope -- for either of us!

Linda said...

Awww, hon. I don't have any answers for you. I am going through the same thing...with a DH that has a translocation. There is a great possibility that we will end up with no normals... I don't think that reality has set in with me just yet..or maybe I'm just ignoring the thought. I don't know. Hang in there. There's nothing we can do but to keep perservering, hoping that one day we all could get that happy ending that we so desperately desire.