Friday, November 21, 2008

Updates and grounding

We are getting prepared for our last IVF. Some things are falling in place, some are still up in the air. We still have over 5 weeks before we travel, so there is time on hand. 

First the updates:
  • After making me wait forever last month, my Aunt F decided to show 5 days early this time! And I almost missed noting CD 1, since I was bleeding from the surgery, and then that got converted to breakthrough bleeding because of the BCP. I took my last BCP, and 2 days after that I started bleeding again, so I was assuming I was ~still~ showing effects of the BCP. Thankfully I called CCRM because I was a little worried, since by then, I had been bleeding for almost 3 weeks straight! They figured AF had arrived early, and juggled my IVF calendar around accordingly.
(Yes, I realize that my poor body is crying for relief. I have promised my body that this is it. I will not subject it to any more torture)
  • My IVF meds prescription is to be sent to my mail order pharmacy today. I should get my meds in a couple of weeks - given the holidays next week etc. 
  • We booked our stay in Staybridge Suites in Denver. We heard good reviews from others who stayed there. They offer free breakfast every day and free dinner on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday of every week. (The dinners are called "Evening Reception" but they told us on the phone that it only means they don't serve heavy 4 course meals!). They have free wireless internet, free laundry facilities and a fully functional kitchen in each suite. I think we'll be comfortable there. 
  • We booked our rental car as well. CCRM has discounted rates through a couple of car rental companies, and we got a good deal. 
  • Air tickets still remain to be done. We are going to finalize those this weekend. 
Before all this, we still have to go to Denver one more time for my post op appointment. I am desperately hoping my uterus looks more suitable to having a baby grow in there. My heart is being torn between absolute hope and absolute despair several times everyday. 

I'm reading blogs and posts from people who've just cycled at CCRM, and there are stories that range from disastrous to wonderful. Reading these stories is like a reality check / grounding exercise for me. I'm trying not to put all my eggs(pun unintended)  in one basket. I want desperately for CCRM to make magic and do a miracle for me. At the same time, I want to go into this cycle expecting the worst. I don't want to keep my hopes up so high, that the fall hurts too badly. 

I know I should think positive. I know I should not panic and bring bad energy into the cycle at any point. But I want to be realistic about my expectations. CCRM may be the best, but we all know in IF, there are no clinics or REs with 100% success rates. Even they can't make miracles where things are going wrong. There are so many things that could go wrong. Of course I hope and pray nothing does go wrong, but I will admit that more than once in the last few days, I have wondered if it would be more sensible to pull the plug here and say "Enough!" and not commit to spending thousands of dollars that we really cannot afford to at this point. 

I also know I've come so far and if I stop now, I will always wonder "What if....". So we are proceeding with the IVF. I don't know what the outcome will be. I hope for the best, but am preparing myself for the worst. 


April said...

oh goodness, girl. i think that IF forces even the most optimistic people to approach cycles with a feeling of dread and expecting the worst...we do it as self preservation. i am convinced.

if this is really your last cycle, then this is the place to do it. ccrm is the best and most of us wish that we could be there...

thinking about you. i know it's a stressful time, try to be as positive as you can. my RE is always lecturing me on how stress is bad for the cycle :)

hang in there. **big hugs**

margelina said...

It sounds like you have a great plan in front of you. Try and take some good, relaxing time for yourself. I'll be praying for you!

Lisa said...

I found your blog through one that I follow - gosh, IF sorry for your struggles and I wish you so much luck - I will look forward to following your experience.

Melanie said...

IF just plain sucks!!!!! I'm praying that everything looks good and you get to do your IVF! It's so hard to not thinking about the good and the bad outcomes. I know.. I've been there. I hope all goes well and you get that BFP you deserve! You'll be in my prayers girlie!

nancy said...
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Lorraine said...

Expect nothing, but be prepared for everything. Which is impossible, of course.

Of course there are never any guarantees, as with almost everything. But this is as good a chance as there is - I'm still hoping you get the magic!

Anonymous said...

Wow... 7 and a 1/2 yrs is a long time... and here I am whining abt my 2 and a 1/2. I have so much respect and admiration for you. I am so sorry that you had to go through so much. I wish you all the very best for this upcoming cycle. I will be looking forward to following your journey. GL!

BTW, I clicked through to your blog from the blogroll of a fellow IVFer.

Jackie. said...

You have done all of the right things to make sure that this goes well. I am praying for you guys.

Bear hugs,

Elana Kahn said...

Good luck!!!!! I hope you do get the miracle you so deserve.