Sunday, September 14, 2008

The circle of life

I've been trying to read up about my T shaped uterus, and I'm realizing its such a rare condition to have. Mostly, T shaped uteri were attributed to fetal development issues for women that were given the drug DES during their pregnancies. DES was pulled from the market in 1971 in the United States. Facts:

  • I was born in 1971. 
  • My parents don't live in the United States. As far as I know, my mom did not have DES when she was pregnant with me, but who knows what other forms of drugs were being administered to women in 1970/1971 in the part of the world I was born in. There is no documentation. 
  • There are some cases of T shaped uteri in women who were born after 1971, after DES was pulled from the market, thereby proving that some cases occur naturally too. 
It would seem that I was born with this uterus. My legacy. 
It would seem DH was born with his translocation. His legacy. 

People grow up, have children, and spend a large part of their adult lives measuring their achievements by milestones provided by their children. By their children's achievements. Birth of the child, first smile, first step, first word, first day at school, graduation, college etc. 

Our parents did that too. They prided themselves over each award I won in school, each medal I won on the sports field, each play I took part in, every extra-curricular activity I did. They came and proudly attended those plays, and award ceremonies, and felt accomplished in my accomplishments. DH's parents - pretty much the same.

Parents bring up their children, nurture them, provide for them, love them, educate them, guide them, help them make decisions, and then let them loose into the world to lead their own lives. 

Now it is the children's turn to have their own children and start measuring their milestones through their kids. In DH and my case, for no fault of ours, or our parents, our circle of life suddenly is off track. Not so much a circle, right now an arc. If we ever have a child, maybe then it will be an elliptical. Never a circle. 

When my mom was 37, I was 14 years old. She had 3 growing children at my age. I am struggling to have even one. 

We didn't do anything to be where we are. No poor lifestyle choices, no abusing our bodies on the name of entertainment - nothing. So many people that suddenly run into the wall of IF run into it without any knowledge of it coming up. 

For years we have endured the loving and affectionate, yet heart-wrenchingly painful questions from our parents "When will you start thinking about having a family?" "When will you give us good news?" We endured it, until we "came out of the closet" and told them what we were going through. 

I wish we could bring that circle of life to the point where it started, and continue the cycle. Note our children's accomplishments, and be proud of them. The complete helplessness of not knowing when this ambiguity will end is just plain deprivation. 

Closure. The heart needs closure. 

3 comments:

Jewels said...

Just want you to know I'm still here, ~hugs~

g said...

You will figure out what best for you todo.. we all will be here for u no matter what u choose! best of luck in your decsion :)

Shelby said...

'plain deprivation'...completely. Sometimes I think it would be easier to blame all of this business on myself because then I'd have an answer. But when it's something completely determined by fate, it's too slippery to even wrap your mind around. And helpless. I completely understand you and know that all of us will find what we are looking for, eventually.