Saturday, September 13, 2008

The story inside my heart

So we've spent a couple of days processing the learnings from CCRM. My feelings? Completely mixed. The Babychaser put my feelings into words very well on her comment to my last post. 

That's exactly how I feel. I'm relieved that we got some answers, so something came out of the time and money and emotions invested in seeing a THIRD RE. I'm curious, even disappointed to a certain degree that Dr M didn't find this out. He too had done a hysteroscopy last year on me. How come he didn't see it? Everyone - right from my OBGYNs to the first RE clinic (where they had at least 5 practicing REs), to this clinic, where Dr M practices - everyone has always just mentioned the "indentation" at the top of my uterus. Everyone has always brushed it off saying, it's too broad,  it's not a septum, and therefore really can't be fixed. 

After 4 IVFs, 2 D&Cs, a couple of HSGs, SHG, 2 hysteroscopies (and 3 losses) - I'm just a little stunned that it took them SO LONG to say that even the rest of my uterus is not normally shaped! I can't help but wonder who to trust. Logically it seems like we should just go ahead with the surgery. If it fixes things, and "cures" our IF, nothing like it. (I wonder if IF ever gets cured though. I would think that even if and when one does have a child, the pain and anguish of years of IF will remain forever - so does IF ever really get cured?) If surgery doesn't help, then we're not much worse off than we are today. 

Emotionally - despair. How much more? How much longer? How many more hoops and loops? We started this in 2001. Its coming to the close of 2008 now, how much more??? People who started TTC much after us now have 2 children, children that are going to school now, and lives that have gone on skippily normal. 

Why is it that we have to find issues which are not "common"? Dr Schoolcraft - being one of the most skilled and highly regarded doctors in this field said "Your case is grey to me. I can't say it won't work at all - and if I thought it wouldn't, I'd tell you. But I can't say that it will work. The best we can do is try this surgery route" 

Why can't we have more easily fixable problems? Why is it that we have to deal with a balanced translocation affecting one party and a screwed up uterus affecting the other party? Why????

I'm not nervous about having to deal with surgery. I've done that many times before, and from the description of it, this one actually sounds easier than most of my other surgeries. (I've had 4 surgeries on a busted knee, which still gives me pain and acts funny - (I've stopped even bothering about it and going to my Orthopedic Surgeon), I've had laparoscopy, and of course 4 retrievals and 2 D&Cs and the whole IF joy ride). So surgery is not new to me. 

But I'm feeling a deep dark sense of despair and hopelessness. I'm feeling like my body has failed me yet again. I'm feeling sorry that DH got stuck with a "defective piece" like me (I know all of you will say "But he has a translocation himself" - I know that, but I'm still feeling defective)

I sometimes feel like running away from it all, to some safe place, where I'm not so vulnerable, and so sad. I wish I could escape from the reality of my life. 

I sometimes see a baby's face in an ultrasound type image when I close my eyes. It's not a face really, but just a view of one eye. The eye looks at me, and then slowly closes. The picture then fades away. I don't know what that means. Sometimes it comforts me, like these are the babies I've lost. Sometimes it scares me, like a dream of having a baby is slowly fading away. 

I want to keep the hope alive, but I'm scared to. 


Jackie. said...

Good morning, sweetie. I am very sad for you. You sound lost. Seven years is a long time, and you have handled all of this beautifully and courageously.
I am praying that God gives you some comfort and direction.
Even more hugs, Jackie

Shelby said...

I am so sorry this journey is getting even rougher for you. It seems like just when you jump one hurdle, another higher and more difficult one is thrown directly into your path. I am hoping you find a way around this one, in whatever way that is, and it happens soon. Hopelessness is a lonely place to live, even when you are surrounded by others. Believe me, I've taken up residency quite a few time.

Many many **hugs** for you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Nikki,
I'm so sorry you are feeling so blue. I can relate... I don't understand it anymore than you do.
I wish I could hug you in person but I'm sending you lots of cyber hugs.
Your surgery will go very smoothly, I'm sure of it and it might be the key - the answer you've been looking for.

I Believe in Miracles said...

That you for sharing this post. I pray that God will give you the comfort that only he can provide. Also praying for your surgery!!