Thursday, September 25, 2008

Last year...

I can't help but think of me last year around this time. I was starting my second IVF. Happily giving myself shots everyday.

I had started that round of IVF thinking that if it didn't work, I would stop trying. That was supposed to be my last hurrah. Till then I had never seen those elusive 2 lines on a pregnancy test. 

How life has changed since then!

Sometimes I wonder if it may have been easier to deal with the last year had I got a BFN in October 2007. Then I immediately think - No. I am so thankful for the outcome of that IVF. It brought us hope. It showed us what a positive pregnancy test looks like. It made DH and me collapse on the bathroom floor with huge smiles, and tears running down our faces. It gave me the confidence to go in for my beta with a little secret in my heart. For once I was not terrified of the result. 

In a couple of weeks after that - our first ultrasound. The first time we saw that tiny heart beating. Me lying there with tears running down the sides of my cheeks - into my ears. DH standing next to me holding my hand, tears filling his eyes too. Neither of us could say anything. Finally DH said "Thank you Doctor" to the RE. His response? "Don't thank me. Thank the higher power above us that made this happen."

We lost that little baby. But it brought us hope enough to try again. The next IVF ended in a chemical. But we still had hope. The next IVF resulted in an ectopic.

We still have hope. Maybe we shouldn't, but we do. I will probably never be the person I was before October 2007. The person before October 2007 was not a mom. I am. I am mom to 3 angels. I have 3 babies in heaven waiting for me to come cuddle them. I would never have had this hope and strength had that IVF not worked. 


Shelby said...

You have most definitely written a post I could have written. Although not all of the details are exactly the same, I too have wondered whether I would have been better off never having seen that little heart beat on the screen with the same tears streaming down both of our cheeks. But then I decided that I gained too much from that little life. While much of what I gained was pain from the loss, the other part was that ever elusive hope that perhaps my angel could have a sibling after all.

Thanks for this post. After having only been blogging for a few months, it's really still amazing and comforting to me that the exact thoughts and feelings in my heart are not unique or worse yet, strange.

Jackie. said...

You are not the same woman that you were October 2007 because you have been a mom since then, and you know the feeling of understanding that you can get pregnant. That's such a great thing. How incredible you and DH must have felt that morning on the bathroom floor. How could you possibly not have changed?

the Babychaser: said...

I go back and forth on this. I've been pregnant 4 times, but have never even heard a heartbeat. And while there was a time where the hope made me happy, right now I'm in a space where the hope makes me mad. Because if we'd gotten negative betas from our first three IVF cycles, we'd have stopped by now, and moved on to adoption, and maybe I wouldn't still be years away from being a mom.

I'm so glad you're in a space where you look at it from the other point of view, where you can find joy and happiness in what you've made, rather than what you've lost. I hope it continues to bring you comfort.

Anonymous said...

Nikki you are one of the strongest women I know. Jackie is right you became a mom last year and will one day be a mom again. And what a great mom you are and will be!

Nichole said...

Wow...I hope so much that soon I will be able to look at my miscarriage and have the hope that you do. You truly are an inspiration!


Lisa said...

Wow, that post made me want to cry for you. that must have been so hard to loose your babies when you came so close. But it also gives me so much hope that one day, I to, will see those two pink lines. Hang onto that hope. You will be a mom again some day. I believe it!!!

Jewels said...

That was a beautiful post, I'm so glad you got to experiance at least those two lines, and moving on to see a h/b. It's so tragic to have loss, but something so beautiful that you got to be there in the first place. I'm so glad you have hope, I have hope for you.

Sometimes I think to my self, If I cant have any more kids, I find comfort in knowing I'll have my angels to look forward too seeing and holding when I get to heaven. (I hope that's not an insensitive comment because I can see it being hurtful to someone who has never experianced a BFP, I'm just looking on the bright side of my own situation, that's all)

I Believe in Miracles said...

Beautiful post.